I find it hard to talk to people openly for some reason. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me exactly. I think it might be that I'm afraid of being rejected but I know thats not the only thing I'm afraid of. This problem is really bugging me. It seems I lack the basic social skills that most people develope over time. I'm perfectly normal in terms of intelligence. The only people I can really be myself around is my family and very close friends.
What advice would you guys give for me? Thanks in advance
Hey,
From a fellow shy guy I know what you are going through. In fact shy is a severe understatement for me, I suffer badly from social anxiety disorder ... I actually have to take medication for it and see a therapist, but this isn't about me.
Non-shy people will not always understand that you can't just force yourself to be more open. It's like a severe phobia. Such as maybe claustrophobia for example. A severely claustrophobic may rationally know that there is nothing to be afraid of when in a small enclosed space, but that does not change the fact that they will
feel that anxiety come on and cause them to start panicing. Shyness is not a result of rational thoughts but a result of irrational feelings not performing the way they were meant to. A more obviose example would be if you walked outside in the heat and you started shivering, or if you started sweating in the cold. You know you aren't suppose to, but knowing that wont change the way you feel neccissarily.
So therefore telling ourselves over and over to just snap out of it, or relax, or talk, or whatever, will not do a whole lot of good. Of course it is a good possitive booster, but it doesn't attack the source of the problem. My ex use to do this all the time. She would seem very understanding at first, but eventually she would get frustrated with me if I wasn't relaxed enough in public, but i couldn't help it.
Shyness has advantages too so try not to get too down about it. The best way to overcome shyness though is cognetive-behavioral therapy. You don't actually need a therapist to do it unless if you're like me and are just so disabled by it that you need someone to help you along. And if you'd like you can always PM me and I'd be glad to have an accountability partner if you'd like. Basically all cognative-behavioral therapy is is you have to just put yourself in anxiety provoking situations over and over until you start to "reprogram" the unconscious thoughts and feelings in your mind that keep you from feeling comfortable speaking to others.
The most effective thing for me to be honest has been setting some weekly goals. Kind of like exercising, when you take a certain amount of time every few days to exercise, try picking a certain task every day or every other day or a few times a week that you wouldn't normally do, and go through it as best you can and just keep at it.
It's best to start easy and then work your way up. For example, maybe one week you could just drive around a nearby town that you never go to, go in a bunch of stores and ask an employee to help you find something. That way you wont have to worry about messing up because chances are you'll never see them again, and they'll forget about it quickly anyway. What I do is I just stick to it until I start to grow more comfortable in that activity. When I was younger (fortunatly just a kid) I was so shy at one point that I couldn't order my own food in restaurants or use a public restroom. But I started doing those things and today there's no problem with it at all. Going through the drive thru window at fast food places is something I've grown comfortable with just over the past few years. So when you expose yourself to these activities enough, you'll start to grow more comfortable, because rationally I'm sure you already know that there is nothing to be nervous about, but that of course doesn't change the fact that you are, because it isn't rational thoughts that cause the problem, it's the unconscious thoughts and feelings, so that's what has to change through practice.
Some other activities that I do that may help you:
- Apply for jobs at stores I never go to (I don't even really submit the applications, I just ask for one to be able to talk to someone)
- Ask someone at a gas station or convient store for directions, even if I know my way around (because again it doesn't matter, I'm just exposing myself to conversation, and sense the person is a stranger I may never see again, it doesn't matter what they think)
- Calling random stores to ask what time they close or if they have a particular item in stock
- Ask a teacher a question in class
- Ask random people if they know what time it is
- When people greet you and ask you how you're doing, try to give more open-ended answers so that they'll ask more or ask you to explain
- If your comfortable enough with being very honest to certain people, some people who better understand that this is something that you cannot just snap out of but that you want to talk more may be more helpful. I had a friend in my first year of college a couple years ago that use to go to the park with me to do homework with just her roomate and I and she'd ask me a lot of open-ended questions so that I'd do most of the talking, and that helped tons. It really helps a lot when you know that the person you are talking to understands what you're going through.
- compliment people
- ask classmates or co-workers about school/work related things
- invite a friend to dinner or the movies or something
aaaand thats all i can think of right now but I may get back to you lol
Basically the kind of therapy I'm going through is "teaching" my subconscious mind to make these things automatic or habitual, so that I talk to people and ask people questions just by habit, which will help me become more social. So if this works for me it can certainly help you out!
Good luck and God bless