Getting over my boyfriend's sexual past

[mschocolat]

I have been with my boyfriend just over 1 year and 4 months. I'm 24 and he's 23.
He told me from the beginning that he was not a virgin and I was and I still am because i told him i want to keep mine until marriage and he respects it(he's partly Christian, he stopped going to church around 16 years old when his favourite pastor passed but he still considers himself a believer)

At that time, my feelings for him weren't that strong and I kind of treated him as someone who will eventually leave me so him being a non-virgin didn't bother me much.

He lost his virginity around when he was 18 or 19 and was drunk and went out with the girl for about 2 or 3 months. He told me he felt guilty after it happened but soon got over it and when he got his 2nd girlfriend(i heard it was a rocky relationship of about 1 year and 2 months) she wanted sex and he wanted it too so they were sexually active.

He is my first boyfriend. Ever since I started realised i like him more and more and one day he told me he loves me and how i'm his first love, I started obsessing over his past.
I couldn't understand how he could just lose his virginity while claiming that he believes in God.
As stupid and immature as it sounds, I really hate the fact that he had 2 girlfriends before me let alone losing his virginity while I waited 24 years of my life waiting for someone like him to come along just so that I can devout myself to him one day. It literally kills me inside that I'm thinking this while I still love him so much.

It's come to a point now where he's so sure that i'm the one for him and planning to spend the rest of our lives together once he gets his study and done and get a job.

I'm so lost and don't know what to do with myself and this relationship anymore. He told me he regrets it and wish it was me whom he gave his virginity to and he just wants to think of me as the only girlfriend he has ever had but I still feel so nautious just thinking about his sexual past.

Do I just get over this and stick to this relationship or ask God, miraculously to send someone with no past and no sexual past into my life?
Please help, I have no idea which one's a wiser decision to make.

 

[mschocolat]

Also in addition, I think this obsession over one's virginity comes from the people I'm surrounded with.
My parents were each other's first girlfriend and boyfriend.
A lot of my girl and guy friends are either engaged or married to their first boyfriend/girlfriend.
Recently, my friend got engaged to a guy of 32 years who's never had a relationship before(due to God's calling) and obviously a virgin.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

For many they find it hard to deal with someone not being a virgin. But sadly its more common (not being a virgin) then people realize. ESpecially in a country where we are bombarded with sexual stuff and hence it increases the odds of us messing up. I wouldn't worry about what anyone else may think of him not being a virgin, actually I wouldn't even tell them. Its between you and him.

I say try not to obsess over his past because of his sin, because you have sinned to in your life and all sins are equal. This makes it harder to think about a sin knowing we are no better with other sins.

Lastly not to sound like a downer but he needs to get to church, read his bible...etc. He cannot be "partly" christian. He either is or is not. From what little I've heard it sounds like he isn't growing spiritually if he isn't doing much. However I take it since you've been together over a year you must see signs he is growing or else you probably wouldn't be with him.

I couldn't understand how he could just lose his virginity while claiming that he believes in God.

I add what I stated above but also no one is perfect. If I asked you how could you have ever sinner in your life at all being a christian? You'd probably realize how silly it is to ask how someone can be a christian if they sinned. At least you have said you know its probably a bit silly to ask it of course.

Assuming he prayed for forgiveness about it after it happened then God has forgiven it and doesn't remember it. SO should you then. I myself lost my virginity at 27 I believe. I was upset at God and let my guard down alot and slept with my fiance many times. It wasn't until my life was on track that I cried for a long time over it and wish I could have taken that back. Trust me the sting of it will always exist for the person who lost it.

Especially when they meet someone because they know that person will think less of them for it. My wife only had sex once before me with a man from college she was with. We both know this about each other and accept it. Now we are happily married and know first hand how wonderful sex is once married. Obviously we regret our pasts but GOd still made sex wonderful for us despite our messing up and we thank Him every day for his blessings!

I will say, the other reason you may feel obsessed over it is because as humans we more or less look at bodies like car. Mind you we don't mean to think of it that way. When I was going to marry the first woman (before we had sex) I for weeks drove myself nuts with "Shes had sex before! I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have their virginity and has used parts down there that someone else has touched!".

Obviously I got over that later. Losing virginity is something we have to accept. The older we get, the less likely we will find someone who is a virgin. The devil is good at prying and prying at you as you get older looking for that one moment of a let down guard so he can get us to mess up. Hes been here long enough to know how we humans are.

 

[mschocolat]

Thanks for the first reply!!!
I understand everything you said.
But one thing I want to say is that, I see virginity as one of the several 'VERY' important Christian doctrines (eg. killing), even more important than any other sins. Maybe it is just me but it's something i cannot seem to get over.
I have been getting better at forgetting about his past but it just comes back every now and then and even questioned myself and God perhaps I should be single forever.

 

[OGM]

Don't forget that eventually many of us will be widowed and may find someone else that has also been widowed.

 

[mschocolat]

Yes but that is not what i'm looking for in a marriage neither does my boyfriend. We don't believe in divorce, we both think that if you are willing to put in effort, you can work things out no matter how difficult the situation might be, however, we both cannot accept cheating, that is very clear.

 

[Wookiee]

But one thing I want to say is that, I see virginity as one of the several 'VERY' important Christian doctrines (eg. killing), even more important than any other sins.

That's a big lie that many seem to believe. On a personal level, I can see why it would seem disgusting, but in God's eyes it's the same as stealing $10 from your mum's purse.

Romans 6:22-23
"But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord."

The wages of sin is death. Not "the wages of sleeping around", not "the wages of killing a man", it's "the wages of sin". All sin is the same in God's eyes. The repentant heart of one who murdered a man is more - for lack of better word - righteous than some guy who's sleeping around and unrepentant of it.

Have you ever coveted? Been angry? Looked at a man with lust (even slightly)? Guess what - you're just as much of a sinner as he is. You're just as much of a sinner as I am. You're just as much of a sinner as Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

Your boyfriend made a mistake, and from the sounds of things doesn't seem to keen on repeating it. I can see why you'd be upset/disgusted/put off, but you either have to put it behind you, or break up with him.

Remember: King David is described constantly as "a man after God's own heart". He did some of the most detestable things imaginable. Read 2 Samuel 11. The guy obsessed over another man's wife, slept with her and she got pregnant. He then orchestrated the man's death so he wouldn't have to face the consequences.

If David was redeemed after doing this, it's not impossible to forgive your boyfriend for something he did long before you were together.

 

[mschocolat]

That's a big lie that many seem to believe. On a personal level, I can see why it would seem disgusting, but in God's eyes it's the same as stealing $10 from your mum's purse.

Romans 6:22-23
"But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord."

The wages of sin is death. Not "the wages of sleeping around", not "the wages of killing a man", it's "the wages of sin". All sin is the same in God's eyes. The repentant heart of one who murdered a man is more - for lack of better word - righteous than some guy who's sleeping around and unrepentant of it.

Have you ever coveted? Been angry? Looked at a man with lust (even slightly)? Guess what - you're just as much of a sinner as he is. You're just as much of a sinner as I am. You're just as much of a sinner as Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

Your boyfriend made a mistake, and from the sounds of things doesn't seem to keen on repeating it. I can see why you'd be upset/disgusted/put off, but you either have to put it behind you, or break up with him.

Remember: King David is described constantly as "a man after God's own heart". He did some of the most detestable things imaginable. Read 2 Samuel 11. The guy obsessed over another man's wife, slept with her and she got pregnant. He then orchestrated the man's death so he wouldn't have to face the consequences.

If David was redeemed after doing this, it's not impossible to forgive your boyfriend for something he did long before you were together.

Thank you for explaining.
I guess it is not just about him not being a virgin. I know it was before we have known each other, but I also simply hate the fact that he used to be with someone, just a pure idea that he did all these things together with someone and i feel our intimacy being threatened because of it. I never belonged to someone before. I never dated anyone, I was only focused on my school, career. I have a loving family, I love everything I do, I love my job, friends. It has got nothing to do with my confidence, if not I'm probably more confident about myself than anybody else I know.

It's like wanting a complete ownership over someone(not in a slave-like way obviously)
I know i'm living in a fairy tale land thinking like this but I can't help it.
Even if I break up with him, the same problem about my boyfriend's past will occur.

Sometimes, I just throw everything about romantic relationship away and lead a single life although I know that will make me worse as a person

 

[OGM]

It's like wanting a complete ownership over someone(not in a slave-like way obviously)

That is part of the problem...

I know i'm living in a fairy tale land thinking like this but I can't help it.
Even if I break up with him, the same problem about my boyfriend's past will occur.

What do you mean by this? If you break up with him why would his past even matter anymore.

Sometimes, I just throw everything about romantic relationship away and lead a single life although I know that will make me worse as a person

Make you a worse person? Perhaps for now you can take some time alone in order to get over this stage. It must be rough for your boyfriend being reminded of this all of the time.

 

[mschocolat]

That is part of the problem...

What do you mean by this? If you break up with him why would his past even matter anymore.

Make you a worse person? Perhaps for now you can take some time alone in order to get over this stage. It must be rough for your boyfriend being reminded of this all of the time.

Sorry, I was meant to say, even if I break up with him and go out with another guy, I would have the same problem about his past whether it was pure or involved sexually

I did tell him once or twice that maybe I should be single for life and he was really sad about it and basically it's not true at all.
As much as he wants me, I want to work on myself for him and for us

 

[ladyches]

Thank you for explaining.
I guess it is not just about him not being a virgin. I know it was before we have known each other, but I also simply hate the fact that he used to be with someone, just a pure idea that he did all these things together with someone and i feel our intimacy being threatened because of it. I never belonged to someone before. I never dated anyone, I was only focused on my school, career. I have a loving family, I love everything I do, I love my job, friends. It has got nothing to do with my confidence, if not I'm probably more confident about myself than anybody else I know.

It's like wanting a complete ownership over someone(not in a slave-like way obviously)
I know i'm living in a fairy tale land thinking like this but I can't help it.
Even if I break up with him, the same problem about my boyfriend's past will occur.

Sometimes, I just throw everything about romantic relationship away and lead a single life although I know that will make me worse as a person

Not to be harsh, but you CAN help it. You are making a choice to hold your boyfriend's past against him. You are jealous of past relationships he's had, plain and simple. While I understand that emotion, I also understand that that thinking will only bring you unhappiness. Put yourself in his shoes - if you had done something in your past (anything) and your boyfriend had a problem with it, how would you feel if he kept it in the forefront of his mind and couldn't accept it and move on?

If your partner's virginity is a must-have, it may be best to end this relationship. You can't continue to punish your boyfriend for something he can't go back and change. If he has sought forgiveness, then God has forgiven him. You need to as well or move on.

 

[mschocolat]

Not to be harsh, but you CAN help it. You are making a choice to hold your boyfriend's past against him. You are jealous of past relationships he's had, plain and simple. While I understand that emotion, I also understand that that thinking will only bring you unhappiness. Put yourself in his shoes - if you had done something in your past (anything) and your boyfriend had a problem with it, how would you feel if he kept it in the forefront of his mind and couldn't accept it and move on?

If your partner's virginity is a must-have, it may be best to end this relationship. You can't continue to punish your boyfriend for something he can't go back and change. If he has sought forgiveness, then God has forgiven him. You need to as well or move on.

Yes you are right, I can help myself but I wish it was as easy as anyone says it.
As I mentioned, I was never romantically involved with anyone in my life other than a few high school crushes whom I couldn't speak to or hung out with.
I honestly have no idea what to do about the whole virginity thing.
That's why I said at the beginning of this thread, should I just get over this and move on or pray that God will send me someone perfect in my eyes with no past(relationship & sex wise) but what are the chances of meeting someone my age with no past relationships? I can keep my options open and look for virgin men but what about my boyfriend? I can't do that to him and I don't want to hurt him like that.
Every time I think about the guys who have asked me out in the past, I want to beat myself up for being so stuck up and stupid thinking I would meet my dream prince one day.

 

[ladyches]

I honestly have no idea what to do about the whole virginity thing.

Realize that sin is sin. Yes, Paul does make a distinction about sexual sin being different than other sins, however, I still maintain that sin is sin and if God can forgive....you need to as well. I believe you need to deal with the jealousy that you feel over your bf having had other relationships. Deal with that shortcoming in yourself before focusing on his failure. Having had sex in the past does not make him ineligible for a relationship with you (only in your mind). He's human and as a human, he's made mistakes, as have you.

Ask the Lord for help in forgiving your boyfriend. And seek him as to whether this is the man he has for you. Stop fussing over his failure and focus on the positive things about him. Does he have the other things you are looking for in a mate? Is he seeking to be committed to the Lord first? Frankly, that would be of more concern to me as a woman seeking a godly mate, than whether he was still a virgin.

 

[mschocolat]

Ask the Lord for help in forgiving your boyfriend. And seek him as to whether this is the man he has for you. Stop fussing over his failure and focus on the positive things about him. Does he have the other things you are looking for in a mate? Is he seeking to be committed to the Lord first? Frankly, that would be of more concern to me as a woman seeking a godly mate, than whether he was still a virgin.

Thank you, i think that's what i need. Constant praying to God, whether He will drive my boyfriend away or bring a new man into my life

 

[ParentofChildren]

I have been with my boyfriend just over 1 year and 4 months. I'm 24 and he's 23.
He told me from the beginning that he was not a virgin and I was and I still am because i told him i want to keep mine until marriage and he respects it(he's partly Christian, he stopped going to church around 16 years old when his favourite pastor passed but he still considers himself a believer)

At that time, my feelings for him weren't that strong and I kind of treated him as someone who will eventually leave me so him being a non-virgin didn't bother me much.

He lost his virginity around when he was 18 or 19 and was drunk and went out with the girl for about 2 or 3 months. He told me he felt guilty after it happened but soon got over it and when he got his 2nd girlfriend(i heard it was a rocky relationship of about 1 year and 2 months) she wanted sex and he wanted it too so they were sexually active.

He is my first boyfriend. Ever since I started realised i like him more and more and one day he told me he loves me and how i'm his first love, I started obsessing over his past.
I couldn't understand how he could just lose his virginity while claiming that he believes in God.
As stupid and immature as it sounds, I really hate the fact that he had 2 girlfriends before me let alone losing his virginity while I waited 24 years of my life waiting for someone like him to come along just so that I can devout myself to him one day. It literally kills me inside that I'm thinking this while I still love him so much.

It's come to a point now where he's so sure that i'm the one for him and planning to spend the rest of our lives together once he gets his study and done and get a job.

I'm so lost and don't know what to do with myself and this relationship anymore. He told me he regrets it and wish it was me whom he gave his virginity to and he just wants to think of me as the only girlfriend he has ever had but I still feel so nautious just thinking about his sexual past.

Do I just get over this and stick to this relationship or ask God, miraculously to send someone with no past and no sexual past into my life?
Please help, I have no idea which one's a wiser decision to make.

I had this subject before: http://www.christianforums.com/t7536958/
http://www.christianforums.com/t7560874-7/#post60952974
Virginity DOES NOT EQUAL Purity
We have all sinned. Fornication, adultery, theft, covitness, anger, pride. If you love him seek Gods leading. I would rather marry a loving humble non-virgin than a prideful judgmental virgin. Are you upset he has had sex, and you haven't... Could this be envy?
Pray on your situation, speak to a mentor, or parent. In your case, virginity may be a deal maker, but be careful what you overlook.
All the best <><

 

[Luther073082]

I had this subject before: http://www.christianforums.com/t7536958/
http://www.christianforums.com/t7560874-7/#post60952974
Virginity DOES NOT EQUAL Purity
We have all sinned. Fornication, adultery, theft, covitness, anger, pride. If you love him seek Gods leading. I would rather marry a loving humble non-virgin than a prideful judgmental virgin. Are you upset he has had sex, and you haven't... Could this be envy?
Pray on your situation, speak to a mentor, or parent. In your case, virginity may be a deal maker, but be careful what you overlook.
All the best <><

A worthwhile point.

I also think that there is this impression among many virgins (and churches often does not help with this) that upon marriage, sex with a non-virgin somehow cheapens both the marital act and the marriage itself.

 

[hawkeyelovejs]

I haven't read all the other comments on this yet, but I would encourage you to leave his past in the past. We are all sinners and we all make mistakes. The fact that he respects your wish to remain a virgin until marriage says a lot about his respect for you.

I made my own unfortunate mistake that I regret everyday. I kept my virginity until I was 26...I was even engaged and withheld from sex. However, after a failed engagement and being the only virgin I knew at the time in my life, I just gave it up to the next guy I dated. I didn't love him and the relationship lasted six months. BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE.

I made God a lower priority in my life and now that I have realigned my priorities with Him being FIRST, I have abstained from sex for over 4 years. I am not married nor dating someone, but I do pray that my future husband will be able to forgive me for my very poor lack of judgement. My mistake still hurts me every day and even though I have asked the Lord for forgiveness, I still don't feel forgiven. The only thing that could hurt worse would be if someone I loved couldn't forgive me.

So I say pray to God that you will be able to forgive. God bless.

I have been with my boyfriend just over 1 year and 4 months. I'm 24 and he's 23.
He told me from the beginning that he was not a virgin and I was and I still am because i told him i want to keep mine until marriage and he respects it(he's partly Christian, he stopped going to church around 16 years old when his favourite pastor passed but he still considers himself a believer)

At that time, my feelings for him weren't that strong and I kind of treated him as someone who will eventually leave me so him being a non-virgin didn't bother me much.

He lost his virginity around when he was 18 or 19 and was drunk and went out with the girl for about 2 or 3 months. He told me he felt guilty after it happened but soon got over it and when he got his 2nd girlfriend(i heard it was a rocky relationship of about 1 year and 2 months) she wanted sex and he wanted it too so they were sexually active.

He is my first boyfriend. Ever since I started realised i like him more and more and one day he told me he loves me and how i'm his first love, I started obsessing over his past.
I couldn't understand how he could just lose his virginity while claiming that he believes in God.
As stupid and immature as it sounds, I really hate the fact that he had 2 girlfriends before me let alone losing his virginity while I waited 24 years of my life waiting for someone like him to come along just so that I can devout myself to him one day. It literally kills me inside that I'm thinking this while I still love him so much.

It's come to a point now where he's so sure that i'm the one for him and planning to spend the rest of our lives together once he gets his study and done and get a job.

I'm so lost and don't know what to do with myself and this relationship anymore. He told me he regrets it and wish it was me whom he gave his virginity to and he just wants to think of me as the only girlfriend he has ever had but I still feel so nautious just thinking about his sexual past.

Do I just get over this and stick to this relationship or ask God, miraculously to send someone with no past and no sexual past into my life?
Please help, I have no idea which one's a wiser decision to make.

 

[pinkelephant44]

I do not want to make light of your situation but as someone who has been around awhile here are a couple of thoughts. It is wonderful that you have been able to remain a virgin but as you have already admitted this is your first relationship. How do you know that would be the case if you had a longer line of suitors? You can say all you want that you would have never slept with any of them but until you have been in that situation, even with the greatest of desires to please God, temptation can win. Do not judge him for his past. If he has not been forceful or made sex a big issue then obviously his intentions with you are not for personal or instant gratification and he realizes his past mistakes. I know the whole idea of both individuals being each others first and only is beautiful and was his plan, but let me tell you as an adult that as someone who actually had that experience it does not afford any guarantee that your marriage will last. And here is the other side of that...if two people are in a loving committed relationship then you do belong to each other. Beyond the simple fact that he has had those experiences, they have absolutely nothing to do with the relationship between you two...nada. If you marry, on your wedding night he will not be comparing, he will have no expectations, his eyes and heart will be full of wonder and he will only be thinking of you period! I know that is hard to comprehend but it is true.

 

[iambren]

I'm tempted to give you the following advice:

Sleep with him,then you will be equally yoked!

But I am not.



I would see him as clothed with the righteousness of Christ and let the blood of Christ cover all his sins. Jesus no longer condemns him,why should you? Finally,if you simply can't quit obsessing over it the only practical choice is to part from him,even though I think you will regret it.

 

[Sketcher]

Condemning some for her concern instead of building her up. Way to go, church.

My advice to OP is to fish or cut bait. He told you this for a reason. You can either attempt to force yourself to be happy with part of him and his life that cannot be changed, or you can both go your separate ways.

Now, I noticed that he hadn't been to church in 8 years. While he may technically be a believer, this is a red flag to me. If I met a girl who said she was Christian but hadn't been to church in 8 years, she'd be off my list of potentials not only until she's been back to church, but been active, involved, and accountable for around a year. A few weeks or months of church involvement isn't enough to prove to me that someone is serious about it. This is even if she happened to be a virgin.