Getting Over It

UnitynLove said:

Maybe set boundaries

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Akathist said:

Setting boundaries can be very very hard. I can almost guarentee that until you get used to it, you will fail to keep the boundaries. But with practice it will get easier.

I think it might be good for you to meet regularly with a counselor face to face to get some direct coaching and also some help healing from the past and current abuse.

I also think you might get the following book from the library:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr...=pd_bbs_2/103-9494825-1363812?ie=UTF8&s=books

Also this book by the same author:

http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310210844/ref=pd_sim_b_4/103-9494825-1363812

(Copy the names of the books and the ISBN number and your local library should be able to get each of them for you... no cost to you... if you like them you can buy them later from amazon or a bookstore.)

While I am on the reading books theme. There is a short book that I absolutely recommend for anyone who has been abused in any way as a child:

"Outgrowing the Pain" http://www.amazon.com/Outgrowing-Pa..._bbs_sr_1/103-9494825-1363812?ie=UTF8&s=books

In the meantime, I also suggest that you stop trying to do the impossible. You can't simply forget that your mother is and has been abusive. It is unfair to expect that of yourself. I think it is possible that you will forgive her but that takes time. It is very hard to do this when you currently are waiting for the next abuse to occur.

When I was a child, my mother suffered from depression and she also was very emotionally abusive to me. She also hit me very badly at times. Then she would have good times and tell me how much she loved me and how proud she was. It was up and down like that. At your age, it was still very bad between us.

I was nearly 40 years old before she admitted that she even made a mistake as a parent. Then shortly after that she admitted to making "a lot" of mistakes. It was very very good for her to say that to me. I had already forgiven her at least partially, but that helped. However, she has continued to be difficult and our relationship is not very good at all. What helps is my boundaries.

First, I don't take her calls unless I am feeling strong enough to handle them. Sometimes that means that I don't talk to her for a few weeks if I am going through a rough time.

And with that comes not visiting her unless I feel that I can be strong with my other boundaries.

Essentially, I need to be able to say "no" to her and if I don't think I am feeling strong enough to do that, I can't allow myself to interact with her.

I think it is perfectly fair for you to invite your siblings to spend time with you at your place and not for you to only see them when you see your mother. I also think it is fair for you to be able to say to them that you are trying to heal from the past abuse and that you need your space while you are doing so.

Setting boundaries btw, is not about confronting. It is about gaining more and more control over what you do, not controlling what someone else does. You can have firm boundaries and be only loving and peaceful toward your mother.

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Akathist said:

Dear, you never ever have to tell your mother about a boundary!

Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, it is about controlling yourself.

When your mother says mean things to you, your boundary wouldn't be to tell her to stop so much as it would involve your leaving as politely as you could.

Sometimes you can tell someone a boundary. I told my mother that she was not allowed to hit me anymore. She laughed at me when I said it. The next time she went to hit me (I saw her hand raise) I walked away and left. I didn't answer her calls to me for a while. When I was calmer I told her that she is not to raise her hand to hit me.

That was the last time she ever raised her hand to me.

But most boundaries do not have to be things you talk about. I spoke up about the hitting as it was the one thing even she could tell was not right to do. She had trouble ever admitting she said the bad things she would say to me, but the hitting she knew was wrong.

Simply tell your siblings that you agree with them that you need to heal from the way you were treated by your mother so you can put it behind you. Tell them that this is why sometimes you need to stay away... it is because you haven't finished healing but you are really trying to heal.

Don't try to convince them about why you need to heal or that you really were abused right now. I think that they just can't see that yet (for some reason... maybe you can figure out why.) Just focus on explaining that you are working on improving yourself.

I still think getting your own therapist would be very very helpful. Then maybe down the road your therapist could meet them and explain it to them. Sometimes hearing something from a professional is useful.

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