Getting Hit On

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

I'm primarily interested in the male opinion but any is welcome!

If your girlfriend explains an instance in which she was hit on by a random stranger, how does this make you feel?

I got whistled at by a guy in a passing car. This interested and amused me as it isn't something that ever happened before. I told my boyfriend about it, but he wasn't nearly as amused as I was. He seemed a bit upset and put off by the whole thing, and possibly a bit upset at me for a time. I couldn't understand that at first, as it was something that happened to me rather than something I committed. Maybe it was in the way I explained it.

A similar situation occurred today--I was passing a crosswalk in which a young guy was directing traffic. He began to sing a Disney song that included the lyrics "kiss the girl" (from the Little Mermaid.. ) while looking directly at me. I kept my head down and walked faster.

I told my boyfriend about it, through text--I tell him everything so I didn't think twice about it at first. After sending it, I realized that was probably a stupid move considering how unsure he felt about it last time something like this happened. He has yet to reply--odd for him because he always responds quickly. I'm thinking I either upset him, made him feel uneasy, or made him jealous.

How would you take it if your girlfriend explained an instance like this to you? Can you think of an instance in which this would upset you in a similar way, or what you might be thinking? How should she reassure you?

Thanks!

 

[Gary223]

Us guys get a bit possessive. But we are all different. I guess you can't just put us in a box and say "this is how guys will act". I'm not saying that you are doing this by the way It's a tough question.

I guess I'd get a bit jealous too...hard to say.

 

[Melethiel]

That's happened to me a few times. Both my boyfriend and I got a kick out of it.

 

[The Nihilist]

If a man is jealous, possessive, or insecure, it is an indicator that he is of weak or mean character.

 

[citizenthom]

If a man is jealous, possessive, or insecure, it is an indicator that he is of weak or mean character.

That's bull. Jealousy and possessiveness are what a man should feel when another man attempts to usurp his place, especially with his partner. He shows weakness of character only when he fails to control those emotions--that is, lets them become action--or when he hides or lies about them.

 

[The Nihilist]

That's bull. Jealousy and possessiveness are what a man should feel when another man attempts to usurp his place, especially with his partner. He shows weakness of character only when he fails to control those emotions--that is, lets them become action--or when he hides or lies about them.

Nonsense. The issue is whether you trust your special lady. If you do, you're not jealous. There's nothing else to it.

 

[citizenthom]

Nonsense. The issue is whether you trust your special lady.

No, the issue is whether you care enough to want to protect her from people you don't trust. What we're talking about here is different from flat-out anger, which is what you would feel if you were actually cheated on or suspected you were. Jealousy is about protecting what you have, not fear of loss.

No jealousy=no protectiveness=something is wrong with the man's reaction: either he is being dishonest (he feels jealousy but suppresses it to avoid confrontation) or his attachment is not as strong as it should be (he is too complacent to care that his partner has been threatened/disrespected).

 

[The Nihilist]

No, the issue is whether you care enough to want to protect her from people you don't trust. What we're talking about here is different from flat-out anger, which is what you would feel if you were actually cheated on or suspected you were. Jealousy is about protecting what you have, not fear of loss.

No jealousy=no protectiveness=something is wrong with the man's reaction: either he is being dishonest (he feels jealousy but suppresses it to avoid confrontation) or his attachment is not as strong as it should be (he is too complacent to care that his partner has been threatened/disrespected).

Ok, you're right, if you're afraid she's going to get raped or murdered. Otherwise, the other man's motivation isn't dangerous; the only danger is that she'll consent. If you don't trust her enough to not worry that she'll stray, then why are you with her?

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

If a man is jealous, possessive, or insecure, it is an indicator that he is of weak or mean character.

Agreed. Jealousy in this situation shows not only a lack of maturity, but a lack of trust. It's not like OP went up to them and was all like "Hey there, big boy." Not at all. She had the good grace to be embarrassed and move on.

That's bull. Jealousy and possessiveness are what a man should feel when another man attempts to usurp his place, especially with his partner. He shows weakness of character only when he fails to control those emotions--that is, lets them become action--or when he hides or lies about them.

What a crock. It almost sounds like you're trying to justify your own actions for being a jerk in a relationship. You're not "protecting" her from anything when another guy makes a comment like this. It's not like they tried to thrust themselves at her either. She was in no danger.

To me, that just says one of two things:

1) I don't trust you enough on your own not to accept these forwards so I need to protect what I believe to be my property because I don't want you to think there is something better out there than me and end up leaving.

or

2) I'm fearful that every male is going to thrust themselves upon you and is a threat, so I'm going to get angry that I wasn't there to "be the man" and stop him for you even though all he was doing was making a state about how attractive you are.

Even the Bible discusses this topic:

1 Cor 13:4 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Jealousy shows weakness, not the other way around like you try to say. It also is the cause for end in many relationships.


For me, I find it both an honour and amusing as my wife does when someone makes a pass or comments to her like this. An honour because she's hot and chose to be with me, and amusing simply because I'm easily amused I suppose and find people making passes to be funny and slightly pathetic in their attempts most of the time. Most of all, I trust her.

 

[citizenthom]

What a crock. It almost sounds like you're trying to justify your own actions for being a jerk in a relationship. You're not "protecting" her from anything when another guy makes a comment like this. It's not like they tried to thrust themselves at her either. She was in no danger.

So your obligation to care about your partner ends at her physical safety, and that you have no duty to protect her comfort and security as well? Or are you saying that women aren't harmed by comments, only actions? Either way, you're 100% wrong, and most women would agree.

I'm not saying women can't handle creeps on their own. I'm saying that if a woman has a male partner, she shouldn't have to handle those things alone--and she definitely shouldn't feel like her partner is belittling her experiences.

 

[E.C.]

How would you take it if your girlfriend explained an instance like this to you? Can you think of an instance in which this would upset you in a similar way, or what you might be thinking? How should she reassure you?

Thanks!

Quite a few other guys do hit on my girlfriend and often. We've been dating for six months, go to different schools (I'm in college she's still in high school) and every single day since then some other guy keeps asking "when are you two going to break up?" *eye roll*

I accepted that it would happen when we started dating. On the one hand I can't blame them because she is a beautiful girlfriend, but on the other hand I would like to punch them in the face . The only times that I get concerned is when it happens when we're together or when another guy starts to do things. Saying things is one thing, but doing things and acting upon them is a different story. If that happens, well, I make him a casket (not really, but you get the idea).

She's good about shooting them down, so it is not something that I lose sleep over, but I've accepted that it will happen; just not when I'm around.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

So your obligation to care about your partner ends at her physical safety, and that you have no duty to protect her comfort and security as well? Or are you saying that women aren't harmed by comments, only actions? Either way, you're 100% wrong, and most women would agree.

I'm not saying women can't handle creeps on their own. I'm saying that if a woman has a male partner, she shouldn't have to handle those things alone--and she definitely shouldn't feel like her partner is belittling her experiences.

So you're saying I should become aggressive when someone makes a pathetic pass at my wife? Yes, so mature. These comments aren't harming to a women unless she feels threatened by them, which 99% of the time, these passes come off as innocent. As I said, my wife finds the attempts amusing at worst since most guys either back off when they see the wedding ring or take the hint from her snubbing them. We work in an industry where we have a lot of... guests come in and they all look for a romp at every stop.

As I said, if the woman feels threatened, that is one thing, but most of the time that isn't the case, and I wouldn't get in the face of someone just to prove how much of a man I am. It's pathetic.

 

[citizenthom]

So you're saying I should become aggressive when someone makes a pathetic pass at my wife?

Define "aggressive." If you think it is "aggressive" to tell someone not to speak to your wife disrespectfully, then yes, you should be "aggressive." I don't see that as aggression, just responsible headship.

Punching someone and laughing at a disrespectful comment are opposite, but equally inappropriate, reactions to someone being disrespectful to your partner. But the punch is closer to the way a man should want to react.

 

[The Nihilist]

Define "aggressive." If you think it is "aggressive" to tell someone not to speak to your wife disrespectfully, then yes, you should be "aggressive." I don't see that as aggression, just responsible headship.

Punching someone and laughing at a disrespectful comment are opposite, but equally inappropriate, reactions to someone being disrespectful to your partner. But the punch is closer to the way a man should want to react.

Ok, now you've turned it into kind of a weird junk-wagging contest, and you've done it over something pretty minor. I mean, if someone grabbed her backside, then I'm much more inclined to agree with you, but that doesn't seem to be what we're talking about here.

 

[katautumn]

Honestly, it would only bother my husband if a man was hitting on me in such a way that it made me feel uncomfortable or unsafe, like if he was being creepy, overtly sexual, tried to put his hands on me, or make a pass at me. It would really upset him only for my personal wellbeing and safety, and not because he thinks other men should never lay eyes on his wife.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

The other thing is that, how is that person suppose to know your girlfriend is even seeing someone? For all he knows, she could be single so he's gonna try his luck.

Honestly, citiznthom, what you're describing is a possessive issue which most girls (and guys) actually despise and is very unhealthy in a relationship. It shows a complete lack of maturity and, according to most psychologists, can lead to aggression within the relationship as well. Especially if the person in "protection" doesn't appreciate the manly aggressive stance of the other.

 

[citizenthom]

The other thing is that, how is that person suppose to know your girlfriend is even seeing someone?

It doesn't matter if he is or not. if he's speaking disrespectfully to a woman, some man should step in to deal with it. Before a woman has a partner, it's her father or brother. If she has a partner, it's her job. I don't get this presumption that standing up for your partner when she is offended or frightened by unwelcome advances is "immature," whereas laughing at her and belittling her feelings is "mature." We're not talking about physical force. We're not talking about yelling and screaming. We're talking about just forcefully saying, "do not speak to my partner that way, sir." And a whole passel of guys in this thread seemed scared of that very idea.

It's sad that we've created that negative an image of a man's protective role. And it is "we," as in males: even KatAutumn, whom I've noted is one of the more liberal Christian women on here, sees it as proper for her husband to step in if someone is being "creepy" toward her or making unwelcome advances. It's been my experience that men who argue against it are just afraid of conflict--and if you love avoiding conflict more than you love your partner's safety and comfort, that's a serious attitude problem.

 

[dobieman0488]

I agree with citizenthorn, if a man doesnt speak up when his wife/fiiancee/girlfriend is upset or made uncomfortable by anything another guy does relating to her, he's a coward

 

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

Maybe to take it one step back.. What if she isn't offended, scared, or otherwise reacting like a timid woodland creature?

I generally find these instances to be amusing at worst. There's a big difference between a guy being threatening and a guy singing a Disney song or whistling. I keep my head down or ignore it because I don't want to seem like I'm flirting back with my amused grin.

I've been in a few instances where a guy says/does something specifically to offend. The guy does it because if she doesn't have a man on her arm, he thinks she'll be too timid to do anything about it. This is perpetuated by the idea that women are helpless with a man's protection. All it takes to get them running is taking out a camera or a phone, getting it up in the guy's face, and chasing him a few steps as he tries to scurry away.

But to dobieman's point.. if a woman doesn't speak up when upset or disgusted by a guy's actions, she's also a coward and her cowardice is the reason the guy is able to get away with it.

I get the importance of standing up for the person you're with, but I just wonder if something is off about it when an act would elicit amusement from her elicits aggression from him.

 

[gzt]

One thing to consider is that he may have had a bad relationship earlier in life where his girlfriend tried to use such things to gain emotional leverage on him.