Getting back out into the dating world

[Kayann246]

I've put out of the dating scene for a year. I'm a single mom so I've dated on and off for a few years before that. I've been busy being a single mom to a high school senior(that has boy fever) and a middle schooler so that's where my focus has been for the past few years. We are relocating soon to be closer to our church family in another state. At 39, I still don't have the enthusiasm or patience to get back out there and date.

I've met nice men on dating apps in my current state but it never pans out. I'll hit the big 40 in 6 months which is pushing me further out of the dating scene due to my own insecurities. I've buried myself in the kiddos and church life. How do I find the motivation through God and his will to get back out there despite all the failed attempts at dating I've had in the past?

 

[Trey Veston]

Why haven't the "nice men" panned out? No mutual attraction? Schedules/lifestyles didn't mesh? Or were you subconsciously pushing them away due to your own insecurities?

Not trying to be mean or insulting at all; just trying to help you focus on the issues.

 

[blackribbon]

Where (or what) exactly is "the dating scene?"

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Maybe Facebook will release their singles dating feature in North America some time soon so you can try your chances online.

 

[Kayann246]

Why haven't the "nice men" panned out? No mutual attraction? Schedules/lifestyles didn't mesh? Or were you subconsciously pushing them away due to your own insecurities?

Not trying to be mean or insulting at all; just trying to help you focus on the issues.

By dating scene, I mean dates through friends, happy hour, singles groups at church, meet-ups etc
Schedule/lifestyle, pushing away and different religions or cultures. Mutual attraction isn't a problem.

I really haven't been focused. I've always felt at ease saying I'm in my 20's or 30's but that will change soon. I'm a member of a large church in my new location so I'm praying to meet a nice Christian man there. I realize I need to put myself out there and do the work as well. I'm hoping that my new location will give me new inspiration to open up to the possibilities of dating. When I started dating a few years ago, I was very excited to meet new people and go out to new places. But as the dominoes fell, dating became repetitive and frustrating. It feels like a chore. But I know as my kids get older and I travel more I want someone to share adventures with again.

 

[blackribbon]

I guess I was never in the dating scene. I dated plenty before I got married but it was through life that I met people and was asked out. I never went looking to meet someone, never attended a "singles event". I can't say I didn't look around when I was socializing but I never picked someone to pursue or focus on...well, may a guy or two that I met in a college class and would just happen to be someplace that I expected to be...but we met because we were in the same class, not at a singles event.

Maybe I'm doomed....I didn't learn how to do the "dating scene" even when I was young and dating...and now I am old and I don't fit in the "singles scene" ... and don't know that I'm likely to meet the kind of guy I like just in day to day life anymore.

 

[Kayann246]

I guess I was never in the dating scene. I dated plenty before I got married but it was through life that I met people and was asked out. I never went looking to meet someone, never attended a "singles event". I can't say I didn't look around when I was socializing but I never picked someone to pursue or focus on...well, may a guy or two that I met in a college class and would just happen to be someplace that I expected to be...but we met because we were in the same class, not at a singles event.

Maybe I'm doomed....I didn't learn how to do the "dating scene" even when I was young and dating...and now I am old and I don't fit in the "singles scene" ... and don't know that I'm likely to meet the kind of guy I like just in day to day life anymore.

I stop going to my local church here but join a church where I'm moving. The church is very active online and Youtube so I've been able to attend that way for now. I have joined a few groups through the church where we video meet with others around the world. I have 6 months until I move. I think I need to be more comfortable in a social environment since I'm always around friends or kids which would lower my chances of meeting a nice man in a public setting.

No, you aren't doomed. Have you tried going to social events at church or a meetup group?

 

[blackribbon]

I stop going to my local church here but join a church where I'm moving. The church is very active online and Youtube so I've been able to attend that way for now. I have joined a few groups through the church where we video meet with others around the world. I have 6 months until I move. I think I need to be more comfortable in a social environment since I'm always around friends or kids which would lower my chances of meeting a nice man in a public setting.

No, you aren't doomed. Have you tried going to social events at church or a meetup group?

I am also a single mom. I tried several groups at church but because of my work schedule, I can't attend anything that meets weekly ... and it doesn't really matter, because I didn't really fit in any of the groups I tried. I can't do meetups because they require a picture on my profile and I don't feel comfortable doing that being a nurse (everything we do on social media is very iffy at putting our jobs at risk). I really have no desire to make looking for a date a priority in my life. This is my choice. I am starting to mostly be at peace with it.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

were you married before?

 

[Royals IS]

You just have to put yourself out their, hiding wont solve anything. You can just feel when you click with someone and that can only happen if you make yourself more available and go to different events or groups with your interest, and luckily find someone.

 

[Lost4words]

Last date i went on, which was in my local park, my friend, who was with me, said i was barking up the wrong tree! Said i should break free of my lead and go wild.

 

[James of Arc]

Dating is not always how you meet others. To me dating is a bad way to meet others. To me i feel that staying single to improve upon yourself is the best path and when you show patients and good judgment to God then He will put in your path the right person for you and your family.

To me dating makes us do dumb things like trying to win instead of being rejected which means you may not want the feeling of rejection so you try to win sombody over out of self pride and that person may be bad for you and your family in the long run.

 

[Kayann246]

were you married before?

Yes but it's been a few years.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

Yes but it's been a few years.

I see,

what were some of the qualities in the nice men that you met that made them interesting and what things made it not work out with them?

 

[Kayann246]

Nice, good listener, understanding, and goal oriented.

Most of the time the things that cause it to fall apart is inconsistencies and alpha male complex if that makes sense. I'm going to slowly put myself out there again because it's my faith, not fear that know that its a bigger purpose to the promise of the Lord.

 

[blackribbon]

Why are you looking for a man at this time in your life and your children's life? You said you stopped for a short period of time related to your kids needing you...what has changed that makes your life more open to introducing a man into your life and their life?

"Nice, good listener, understanding" can all be fulfilled with female friends instead of a dating relationship that takes your emotions on a roller coaster ride. If you are preoccupied with a male and dating, you are likely to not be as emotionally available to your kids in a very vulnerable age...especially if they are having to relocate and establish new friendships at school and redefine who they are to a new group of teenagers.

 

[Kayann246]

Why are you looking for a man at this time in your life and your children's life? You said you stopped for a short period of time related to your kids needing you...what has changed that makes your life more open to introducing a man into your life and their life?

"Nice, good listener, understanding" can all be fulfilled with female friends instead of a dating relationship that takes your emotions on a roller coaster ride. If you are preoccupied with a male and dating, you are likely to not be as emotionally available to your kids in a very vulnerable age...especially if they are having to relocate and establish new friendships at school and redefine who they are to a new group of teenagers.

Yes, I agree about the female friendships but an added with a romantic interest. One of my kids is starting college once we relocate, the other will split her time between me and her father so that leaves
more social time for me.

 

[blackribbon]

Yes, I agree about the female friendships but an added with a romantic interest. One of my kids is starting college once we relocate, the other will split her time between me and her father so that leaves
more social time for me.

Good luck (and I mean that sincerely). I forget that most people have another parent to share the burden with for time, financial, and emotional support of their children.

 

[sunshine100]

You just have to put yourself out their, hiding wont solve anything. You can just feel when you click with someone and that can only happen if you make yourself more available and go to different events or groups with your interest, and luckily find someone.

I agree,just start out slowly,there's no need to rush into anything,espically a relationship.

 

[bèlla]

Most of the time the things that cause it to fall apart is inconsistencies and alpha male complex if that makes sense.

Can you explain what you mean by "alpha male complex?"