Getting a little sick..

[PinkLoveBall]

...of living.

I used to come here frequently. In the past I was very optimistic about positivity and God. I have asked God time and time again to come into my life and take over completely. I have said I allow him to do whatever he wishes. However, he hasn't taken up my offer.

Ever since I can remember I've been asking God to bless me. Bless me with a good attitude, a good family, good friends and a good boyfriend. I don't ask for riches. I don't see material things... all I seek are God's gifts that you can't purchase with money.

But I've been denied all of those things.

I've been pretty much a hermit for the past 6 years. I barely go outside and if I do it's out of pure necessity to get groceries to eat. Sometimes I even go without eating much because I'm so discouraged about going out.

It seems as if everyone has moved on to have great lives and I've been stuck in the same rut for years.

Lately, I've felt the need to have a male companion. I've never had an official boyfriend - just guys that come and go and never give me the amount of respect/attention/dedication that I feel I deserve. So I never give guys a chance and when I do, it turns out they're either jerks or just unappreciative of who I am and what I stand for.

I've been pushing every one of my friends out of my life little by little. Soon enough I'll have no friends to call and talk to if I need someone. But it's for the best because I feel like I don't have anything good to offer anyone right now.

I've been trying my best to be positive all these years. But instead of a good change, it all seems to be going downhill every year. I'm only 22 years old and I feel like I'm 80. Physically and mentally.

So, after you've sought yourself for help and you can't help yourself so you seek other humans and they can't help, so they tell you about God... and then God doesn't help either...

What's left?

What's left for me?

I'm taking up precious space here. I don't really enjoy this life, and I'm saddened by this because there's so much I would love to do to help others. But how can someone who's broken inside help piece together another broken soul? It's not possible.

Thanks for your time.

 

[mae300]

How can you say you've given your life over to God when you say you have pushed everyone away from you...it takes faith in order for God to work....if you take back and still try to stay in control and push everyone away you aren't truly allowing God to move and work in your life.

 

[PinkLoveBall]

How can you say you've given your life over to God when you say you have pushed everyone away from you...it takes faith in order for God to work....if you take back and still try to stay in control and push everyone away you aren't truly allowing God to move and work in your life.

There was a point in my life when I opened my heart to God and accepted everything that came my way. In fact, I actually tried to befriend more people and became a much nicer person in the process. I became someone that was easy-going and sweet and caring, but I only saw a change in my own personality because that's what I desired. I didn't see a change in my surroundings and I certainly didn't get what I asked God for. I saw a change in me and I can't honestly say it was because of God. Even after I gave up on church and left God alone, I continued to be this person.

Now I'm much too tired to take the bad things that come with having relationships with people because I have so much going on inside of me that I can't deal with any external stuff.

That's why I push away now.

 

[mae300]

Angie...perhaps there are things in your life that you didn't let go of...I have found this to be the case in my own life...or simply because we live in a sinful world we deal with some good and some not so good people...the important thing is what are you learning along the way...you don't have to be a door mat for Christ...there are many things to learn...It has taken me years to get where I am and sometimes the experiences aren't the greatest but there is something to be learned from them....

 

[mae300]

Sometimes it is best to work on ourselves first before taking others into our lives...you have to learn to love yourself and accept yourself before others can...and it definitely sounds like there are issues that you need to work on with you before bringing someone else into the picture....I say this out of experience....

 

[PinkLoveBall]

Sometimes it is best to work on ourselves first before taking others into our lives...you have to learn to love yourself and accept yourself before others can...and it definitely sounds like there are issues that you need to work on with you before bringing someone else into the picture....I say this out of experience....

That's what I've been doing all along: working on myself. I come and I go. Sometimes I wake up feeling good about the day and I ask God to keep it that way so that I can get things done. This rarely lasts.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a monster or anything... I won't bite your head off if you try to talk to me, LOL. I'm pretty sweet, outgoing and nice... but my heart is just sad and I don't know why.

I've considered why God doesn't grant me my biggest desires... I've thought maybe I'm being punished for something I've done? But then again, I've asked for forgiveness of every possible bad thing I can think of that I've done.

Maybe it's because I wasn't meant to be loved and give love? But then that would really make my life worthless because I have so much love to give in my heart it's almost unbareable at times. Cheese, cheese...whatever.

I'm not really asking God for the world here...

 

[goldenviolet]

managing moods is sometimes helped when we talk about them. i made a list to help me. some things i'll share with you:

*doing some activity that is calming and distracting.
*going to doctor... vs dealling alone or with family.
*loud music... vs soft music (i can only listen to worship)...
*long baths with candles.
*reading something comforting, like a old favorite book.
*calling local crisis center.

 

[mae300]

Very good suggestions....those are truly helpful....one of my favorites is keeping a daily journal of events thoughts feelings and later on a year later re-reading it and seeing how much you have changed.

 

[praying]

PinkLoveBall


Goldenviolet had some good suggestions,

I also suggest regularly seeing a trained counselor. I know for me it really helped to just talk someone who was there just to listen to how I felt and help me.

About God not giving you what you asked for. I also fall into those feelings and then I think to myself why am I always asking God and talking to God when I want something. Try just letting God work in your life without asking. Do things for God, befriend people, help people etc. I find that is when we best see how God is working in our lives when we move form asking of Him into doing for Him.



mhatten

 

[Teshi]

God isn't punishing you, Angie It's brain chemicals and circumstance, and both of those things can be changed by human activity...it can get better, I promise you.

I speak from personal experience when I say that when you get through this - and you will! - it will be like dawn is breaking and the whole world is beautiful and new in the sunrise. Be patient, be active, hold out for the sunrise

 

[jess144]

Hi Angie,

I am glad that you came here to share your struggles with us. And I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. I am not house bound, but for a long time now I have felt very isolated and lonely. I know how painful isolation is and I don't think that God intends for us to live this way. But it seems to me like you are ready to change (because you came here and posted) and are fed up with how your life is going. Do you have a church that you are going to? Maybe you could join a Bible study or start going to a large group meeting?? Start small and don't give up on yourself!
Jessica

 

[Kamtre]

You know what? I think you are in a bad situation. I don't know what God is waiting to do with you but it is something. I can tell you that because of your story, I think that I'm not that bad off. I have sortof been drawing away from God lately, and feeling lonely, even though I'm not. You made me realise that it could be alot worse. Even fro you it could get alot worse! what if you did get a boyfriend but he was abusive? what if you had friends, but they convinced you to party? (that can lead to some bad stuff) Yes, even you don't have it all that bad. I know God has uses for everyone, and the people that come out of tight spots like yours are usually the most amazing people God makes. Stick to it! God bless!

 

[PurpleOrchid]

Pinkloveball,

I know everything seems hopeless now, but there is hope. Have you tried reading the Psalms? I have read the Psalms many times when I am down and out.
Having God in your heart does not mean everything is perfect and great, even after He is in your life you will have issues to deal with, hurts, etc. He may not seem like He's there but He is. I know words can't heal your heart, but I have been down dark roads and I know what depression and despair can do to your hope. I saw a lot of myself past and present when I read your post.
You're not alone. Try reading the Psalms, also I know it may be very hard but try to open your heart a little to others, people will fail us but God can touch us with human hands and hearts.

 

[PinkLoveBall]

I'm crying so hard as I read these posts from everyone. Thank you all for such beautiful words... I find myself with more tears streaming down my eyes whenever I see any of you say "He has something big for you... stick around... be patient..." - when??!?!

Right now it seems everything has gotten worse. Now besides all of these things I wrote about, My mother is now in the hospital. I have NO ONE to help me. My Mom has been suffering with Rheumatoid Arthritis for 3 years now and recently she was diagnosed with Anemia and has stopped eating. She *wants* to eat, but has no appetite for food or fluids whatsoever. My brother and I checked her into Mount Sinai hospital yesterday and all doctors said the same thing: She is depressed.

She is basically saying goodbye to me. Giving me her personal things, money, and telling me what to do after she's gone... this kind of talk is driving me up a wall because I NEED MY MOTHER. I don't think there is ever a time you feel "ready" to let go of your Mom, but I think conformity breaks through at some point. I'm NOT at that stage right now...

If God took my Mom away from me now, it would be the biggest blow I could ever have.... ESPECIALLY WITH HOW I'M ALREADY FEELING!!!!

Oh my God... I can't take this anymore.... I don't know how this will end but it can't be good...

I need prayer so badly. Please if you feel any compassion for someone you don't even know like me... please ask God to listen to your request that my Mother gets better. I don't care about me anymore... I just want my Mom to live.

I think I'm going to end up losing my mind soon.

 

[RaddMadd]

I'm crying so hard as I read these posts from everyone. Thank you all for such beautiful words... I find myself with more tears streaming down my eyes whenever I see any of you say "He has something big for you... stick around... be patient..." - when??!?!

Right now it seems everything has gotten worse. Now besides all of these things I wrote about, My mother is now in the hospital. I have NO ONE to help me. My Mom has been suffering with Rheumatoid Arthritis for 3 years now and recently she was diagnosed with Anemia and has stopped eating. She *wants* to eat, but has no appetite for food or fluids whatsoever. My brother and I checked her into Mount Sinai hospital yesterday and all doctors said the same thing: She is depressed.

She is basically saying goodbye to me. Giving me her personal things, money, and telling me what to do after she's gone... this kind of talk is driving me up a wall because I NEED MY MOTHER. I don't think there is ever a time you feel "ready" to let go of your Mom, but I think conformity breaks through at some point. I'm NOT at that stage right now...

If God took my Mom away from me now, it would be the biggest blow I could ever have.... ESPECIALLY WITH HOW I'M ALREADY FEELING!!!!

Oh my God... I can't take this anymore.... I don't know how this will end but it can't be good...

I need prayer so badly. Please if you feel any compassion for someone you don't even know like me... please ask God to listen to your request that my Mother gets better. I don't care about me anymore... I just want my Mom to live.

I think I'm going to end up losing my mind soon.

lol don't worry i think we are all losin our minds ( listen to the pink floyd song: brain damage ) its easy to make a relationship with God because its not that your looking for Him, its that He's looking for you. the time to get saved is now, right now ( 2 Corinthians 6:2 ) all you have to do is seek God, i am not sure if you said you were saved or not, it sounded like you tried to get saved but aren't. try this website if you are not saved: www.4stepstoGod.com and im sure everything will be fine, also in the 4th step on this website make sure you add in prayer that you repent ( turn away from ) of you sins, you also must turn away from your sins to get saved.once you get saved, its not hard to repent though, because Jesus will help you. God bless, if this didn't help then just ask for more help, you can pm me or something. don't be afraid to ask if you dont have answers, ask and thou shalt recieve.

 

[RaddMadd]

oh and yeah, after you get saved you have to tell someone right way about how you got saved, and that you got saved, this is important. Jesus said, " if you don't confess me before men, i will not confess you before my Father ( God ) in Heaven" God bless!

 

[AnointedPoetess]

I'm crying so hard as I read these posts from everyone. Thank you all for such beautiful words... I find myself with more tears streaming down my eyes whenever I see any of you say "He has something big for you... stick around... be patient..." - when??!?!

Right now it seems everything has gotten worse. Now besides all of these things I wrote about, My mother is now in the hospital. I have NO ONE to help me. My Mom has been suffering with Rheumatoid Arthritis for 3 years now and recently she was diagnosed with Anemia and has stopped eating. She *wants* to eat, but has no appetite for food or fluids whatsoever. My brother and I checked her into Mount Sinai hospital yesterday and all doctors said the same thing: She is depressed.

She is basically saying goodbye to me. Giving me her personal things, money, and telling me what to do after she's gone... this kind of talk is driving me up a wall because I NEED MY MOTHER. I don't think there is ever a time you feel "ready" to let go of your Mom, but I think conformity breaks through at some point. I'm NOT at that stage right now...

If God took my Mom away from me now, it would be the biggest blow I could ever have.... ESPECIALLY WITH HOW I'M ALREADY FEELING!!!!

Oh my God... I can't take this anymore.... I don't know how this will end but it can't be good...

I need prayer so badly. Please if you feel any compassion for someone you don't even know like me... please ask God to listen to your request that my Mother gets better. I don't care about me anymore... I just want my Mom to live.

I think I'm going to end up losing my mind soon.

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear this! this post touched my heart and i can relate so well to the other one you posted. I'm defin going to be praying for your mom and family! try to be strong and hang in there hun! Jesus loves you all so much! I'm here if you ever need to talk ok? I may not b able to be of much help but I'm a great listener and shoulder to cry on. God Bless ya!