Genius' needed! Edit Me!

[dawnsday]

Ok heres the deal. I write poetry and perform twice a month in front of fifty to a hundred people. I am earning a reputation as straight-foward, edgy, tough, and honest all things that I am happy about and has given me confidence. I also do lighter stuff, funny stuff, but mostly I do things on social issues. Now i write this stuff down how i will say it and it comes out perfectly each word fitting in the rhythm (which is important cause the performances have freestyle drumming that jumps in). BUT i don't know how to WRITE it. I am getting ready to submit it to some literary magazines because people keep telling me to, but on paper it looks all wrong.

If anyone can edit this using each word in it, but making it read like a poem should i'll donate twenty percent of the proceeds if it gets published to the charity of your choice!

Here it is:

HIT ME AGAIN:

hit me again

you believe somehow, that by holding me down, you will never lose the might of my love

in your warped mind someway you find a fist to my face is a form of grace controlling the uncontrolable

i said hit me again

you can’t possibly know that in these final blows, you are depriving yourself my surviving passion for you

in your greatest fear, you lash out here trying to hold onto what you never owned

what you never owned

playing this role has taken a toll on you, when you saw i knew the facade that grew was nothing but a lie

oh but i cry for such a lie a love that never was for you never were it was all a game a shame to behold as i watched your true self slowly unfold

Hit me now

you present such a mask, no easy task i would think til i see you believe what you speak

twisting your self in your mind tangled lies become your truth and in the mirror your reflection is that of a martyr a sacrificial lamb but it’s a sham you are nothing close to all that i am

hit me!

i admit it now, that i somehow twisted this as you have and now i can only laugh that i swallowed your distortion of truth where inside i knew the more you said sorry the more i should worry

never happen again never happen again i actually bought in to never happen again the roses and cards my favorite candy bars to show that you are trying to change

Do it

well this i can say you were right today i will clean my wounds broken dreams in shattered ruins and it will never happen again

take your mask take your lies take you damned sacrifice and all you claim to have gave me to save me from hell of my life and get out

Get out

save your indignation, manipulation put your concentration on how you screwed it up how you killed my love and the destruction and rage inside you are made of

your hand is no longer stronger then my will somehow still you are standing in shock of this loss, like you never believed i’d ever walk out but see, i am strong now

I am strong now

one last warning should you lay your hands on me should you choose to come at me take one single swing, one slap, one push, anything to protect myself and get out of this hell, look in my eyes you see its true in my eyes see the truth touch me again and i will kill you

so go on

hit me again

 

[JesseRaymondBassett]

I see nothing that needs editing....

 

[austinm08]

I see nothing that needs editing....

He wants someone to put it into more of a poem-style layout.. rather than 1 paragraph, then a couple words, then another paragraph.

He wants it to look more like this:

------- -------- -------- ------
-------- ------ -------- ---------

-------- ---- -- --------- --- ---
-- -- ---------- -- ------ --------



not:

------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------- -- - --------- ----------------------- -
---------------- ---------- ---- --------------- ----------------- --

---- ------- -
--

------------- --- --------------- ---- ------------------- -- --
- ------------- ----------- ---------------- ---------------------
-------------------------- ---- --------------------- ------------
----------------- --------------------------- ---------------



I dunno if I can help you.. hopefully someone can though.

 

[talitha]

First, let me say that this is VERY GOOD STUFF. I have heard some stuff like yours before, and I wonder if you are the person I think you might be......

Edit notes are in green..... of course, this is YOUR STUFF, you are the artist, and you are absolutely free to thumb your nose at everything I say. I'm just an editor.

bless you very big
tal

HIT ME AGAIN:

hit me again

you believe somehow, that by holding me down, you will never lose the might of my love

in your warped mind someway you find a fist to my face is a form of grace controlling the uncontrolable (I would put a double-dash (or at least a comma, maybe a line-break) between "grace" and "controlling" to sort of stop the voice, if you know what I mean)

i said hit me again

you can’t possibly know that in these final blows, you are depriving yourself my surviving passion for you

in your greatest fear, you lash out here trying to hold onto what you never owned (actually to be grammatically correct, it would be "to hold on to....")

what you never owned

playing this role has taken a toll on you, when you saw i knew the facade that grew was nothing but a lie

oh but i cry for such a lie a love that never was for you never were it was all a game a shame to behold as i watched your true self slowly unfold (comma after oh, comma after lie, comma after was. That's the end of that independent clause, so I would put a big break (line break or perhaps semi-colon) after never were -- then comma after game and behold)

Hit me now (don't capitalize here unless you're going to capitalize all the lines)


you present such a mask, no easy task i would think til i see you believe what you speak (comma after task, comma after think)

twisting your self in your mind tangled lies become your truth and in the mirror your reflection is that of a martyr a sacrificial lamb but it’s a sham you are nothing close to all that i am (comma after mind, comma after truth, comma after lamb, double-dash or line-break after sham)

hit me!

i admit it now, that i somehow twisted this as you have and now i can only laugh that i swallowed your distortion of truth where inside i knew the more you said sorry the more i should worry (comma after as you have, comma after truth, comma after sorry)

never happen again never happen again i actually bought in to never happen again the roses and cards my favorite candy bars to show that you are trying to change (comma after the first again, double-dash after the second, comma after the third, comma after cards, comma after bars - you may want to set off the "never happen again" phrases somehow - I'm not sure how with your style, just a thought)

Do it (don't capitalize here unless you're going to capitalize all the lines)

well this i can say you were right today i will clean my wounds broken dreams in shattered ruins and it will never happen again (comma after well, double-dash or at least a comma after say, line-break or double-dash after today, comma after wounds, comma after ruins)

take your mask take your lies take you damned sacrifice and all you claim to have gave me to save me from hell of my life and get out (comma after mask, comma after lies. "have gave" is not correct, but since it rhymes and this is informal, I guess maybe I would keep it. you could say "all you say you gave me...." that would be the same rhythm and not grammatically incorrect..... oh, and comma after life)

Get out (don't capitalize here unless you're going to capitalize all the lines)

save your indignation, manipulation put your concentration on how you screwed it up how you killed my love and the destruction and rage inside you are made of (comma after manipulation, comma after up)

your hand is no longer stronger then my will somehow still you are standing in shock of this loss, like you never believed i’d ever walk out but see, i am strong now (double-dash after will, comma after out)

I am strong now (don't capitalize here unless you're going to capitalize all the I's)

one last warning should you lay your hands on me should you choose to come at me take one single swing, one slap, one push, anything to protect myself and get out of this hell, look in my eyes you see its true in my eyes see the truth touch me again and i will kill you (colon or comma after warning, comma after hands on me, comma after come at me, colon or double-dash after look in my eyes, comma or colon or double-dash after see the truth, comma after again)

so go on

hit me again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

another option (to avoid so many commas) would be to make a line-break everywhere that there is a long pause, like this:
twisting your self in your mind
tangled lies become your truth
and in the mirror your reflection is that of a martyr
a sacrificial lamb
but it’s a sham
you are nothing close to all that i am

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow, I think I might like that better..... but in case you don't, I'll leave what I've written there.

blessings again
tal

 

[dawnsday]

thanks that really helps i hope it gets into the magazines

 

[talitha]

dawnsday,

You are very welcome......

The person that I pm'ed you about performs her work in a very interesting way - she speaks it over some jazz-like music that is sort of spontaneously played behind her speaking. Hard to explain. But her stuff is very similar to yours, and she's sold some CDs with it like that. Maybe you could do that too.

blessings
tal

 

[dawnsday]

dawnsday,

You are very welcome......

The person that I pm'ed you about performs her work in a very interesting way - she speaks it over some jazz-like music that is sort of spontaneously played behind her speaking. Hard to explain. But her stuff is very similar to yours, and she's sold some CDs with it like that. Maybe you could do that too.

blessings
tal

that's exactly what i do. twice a month at a local bar/grill/bookstore/club...we call it spoken word. there is music in the background and everything
i also do slam poetry which is like competition poetry.

do a search in your area and you'll find it i'm sure, it's one of the coolest things i've ever done...i hope to get a cd out, but not until i have a good fifteen tracks completely done.

 

[talitha]

You are so cool! My first year of teaching school I tried to get the kids into some slam. I don't think my midwestern small-town white-white junior high kids.... lol....... Anyway, I had fun playing the mp3's that I found for them......

blessings
tal

 

[memoryroad]

that's really good

 

[heron]

It's powerful, dawnsday.

uncontrollable.


your hand is no longer stronger then [than?] my will somehow still you are standing in shock of this

take you [your?] damned sacrifice

Great job breaking it up, tal.

 

[dawnsday]

You are so cool! My first year of teaching school I tried to get the kids into some slam. I don't think my midwestern small-town white-white junior high kids.... lol....... Anyway, I had fun playing the mp3's that I found for them......

blessings
tal

what i think is really awesome you may want to tell them is before rap their was spoken word...nowadays it's probably the only culturally unbiased, gender unbiased, age unbiased "Music" around there...which to me it is music cause there are instruments and the rhythm and all...if rap is music then so is spoken word

can you dig it?

 

[talitha]

hehe, yeah, i can dig it! And they do listen to rap music, but it was difficult for them to come up with their own stuff besides the typical "i'm all that, i'm all that" kind of stuff *yawn* -- and performing was like :o

bless you big
tal