gang rape

[looksgood]

This and adultery...are the 2 things I hate the most in the world. Yet I may be considering being more than friends with someone who has been raped. She has been in a relationship since then and tells me she believes in purity. And she believes (like I do) that she is still a virgin because it wasnt willingly that it happend to her.

But here is the thing...and this isnt really a problem. I am just here to maybe get advice. I am afraid of scareing her. I like her and all as friends. But I want to know what ALL the effects of this kinda thing is? I mean is she going to freak out if I were to put my arms around her?

 

[Woohaar]

Every girl is different and I have no idea if/how your friend has coped with what happened to her. But having been in a similar sitiation as her and moved on, the only advice I can give is this:

Make sure that your no. 1 priority, first and foremost, is getting to know her properly (as a friend) before you try anything. A lot of what she'll be comfortable with you doing is gonna depend on how much she trusts you. DON'T try anything while it's dark or creep up on her from behind. Even go as far as asking her if you can put your arms around her before you actually do it.

Also if she does tell you to stop, respect that and make sure that you don't try anything else until she gives you the go ahead.
She's gonna respect you a whole lot more if you seem over-cautious, rather than just rushing in.

Hope this helps

 

[looksgood]

Every girl is different and I have no idea if/how your friend has coped with what happened to her. But having been in a similar sitiation as her and moved on, the only advice I can give is this:

Make sure that your no. 1 priority, first and foremost, is getting to know her properly (as a friend) before you try anything. A lot of what she'll be comfortable with you doing is gonna depend on how much she trusts you. DON'T try anything while it's dark or creep up on her from behind. Even go as far as asking her if you can put your arms around her before you actually do it.

Also if she does tell you to stop, respect that and make sure that you don't try anything else until she gives you the go ahead.
She's gonna respect you a whole lot more if you seem over-cautious, rather than just rushing in.

Hope this helps

We are friends and its crazy. She and I have everything in common! I wouldnt think about not respecting her saying no! Thx for the info.

 

[JulesM]

Having been through experiences such as your girlfriend I would say the most important things are to respect her. Talk to her about boundaries and let her feel that she can say no safely. Its possible one day a hug will be ok and the next it might not be. Can you be patient with her?

Talk to each other and work it out together and with God. If she was afraid of men she wouldn;t be romantically interested in you. Just try hard not to abuse her vulnerable side.

 

[mina]

talk to her and know what she is comfortable with and what she is not. Respect her and her feelings. Try to make her feel safe with you. Don't rush anything-cater to her feelings about this as she becomes more comfortable with you , be patient with her.

 

[looksgood]

your girlfriend

LOL...we are not really seeing each other in that way. We are just friends. But the friendship is amazing...and she is everything I ever wanted in a girl. I was kinda scared of asking if she felt we could ever be more than friends. But I am not scared of it now.

Taking things slow is important...because I dont want to get wraped up in her and forget God. Oh speaking of that...this is the first girl I have thought about the possability (and I know that is all it is right now is just a possability) of more than friends whom has HELPED me GREATLY in following God.

But yeah although the words "your girlfriend" sound good to me, I have desided I will be friends...and let God work that out.

But thank you all for your advice. I will certainly make sure she feels safe with me before I ASK her if I can put my arms around her.

 

[bliz]

Just keep in mind... as much as you don't want to scare her, a fear that she may well have is that no "good" man will ever want her because of the rape. All of the advice to go slow is good - frankly, I think that's good advice no matter what her history - but at the same time, she wants to know that she is attractive, and, yes, sexually desirable.

If the relationship expands upon your friendship, you may be hesitate to make a first move, but she may hesitate as well, not wanting to put herself out there in the event that you might reject her. Lots and lots of verbal communication will be important!

 

[silentpoet]

Sexual abuse and rape are two things that are very hard to overcome. From the stand point of a survivor of childhood sexual abuse it certainly effect your ability to trust and to open up. I imagine rape is much the same. I know we are not supposed to hate people as we are sinners being redeemed ourselves, but I have special hate for rapists.

Just be gentle and kind. When you are approaching an animal that has been beaten it will often shy away from human contact. People are not much different in that regard. Trust takes a long, long time to build up. It takes faith, courage, compassion to overcome such evil.

 

[looksgood]

she wants to know that she is attractive, and, yes, sexually desirable.

Thats one thing I am curious about. I have always found it hard to let someone know I am attracted to them...and ESPECTIALY leting them know they turn me on lol. I have a hard time finding a christian way to do that. At the same time though I not only have to deal with that...but also her past of being abused like that.

I DO find her desireable in that way...though I believe in waiting till marrage. But I also wonder if it would effect her in when it comes to that even after marrage. I will be honest I have a high drive and I know I am creative. I would be afraid I may be a little TOO creative lol.

But that is only a small thing. If I could never have the physical with her I would still want her.

 

[desi]

looksgood, it is hard to say this without inviting flames but that never stopped me before... women who have been sexually abused are usually either hypersexual or almost nonsexual. Waiting until marriage is like playing Russian roulette with your sex life.

 

[silentpoet]

Sexua abuse of any form does make it hard to form the patterns of healthy sexuality. Overall it makes it harder to be overall healthy in all aspects. I think that because of the way abuse causes such stumbling blocks in our walk with God is why Jesus said what he did about those who cause little ones to sin. It makes the narrow path that much more narrow. About the only good thing from that is that I am forced so much more to rely on God.

All I can suggest is that with her be gentle and patient. Rely heavily on God, pray for his healing her. Trust Him to help.

 

[Dust and Ashes]

This and adultery...are the 2 things I hate the most in the world. Yet I may be considering being more than friends with someone who has been raped. She has been in a relationship since then and tells me she believes in purity. And she believes (like I do) that she is still a virgin because it wasnt willingly that it happend to her.

But here is the thing...and this isnt really a problem. I am just here to maybe get advice. I am afraid of scareing her. I like her and all as friends. But I want to know what ALL the effects of this kinda thing is? I mean is she going to freak out if I were to put my arms around her?

My wife was raped well before we met and it was a long time before I could have my hands close to her neck without making her very uncomfortable. I think that is a matter of trust more than trauma or a little of both maybe. I can massage her neck now and it doesn't bother her at all but when we were first married, she would pull away from me and ask me not to do that.

Just keep communication lines open about what makes her uncomfortable and make concessions to her comfort level. Show her how a REAL man treats a woman with respect.

 

[hischildsindik]

Seek God first before approaching about more in a relationship, but you probably know that.

You've gotten a lot of good advice here and it sounds as if you are well aware that patience is needed. Please know that even though now there may not be too many outward results of the rape, but at different times different things can creap up and cause her to react. Ask... if you want to comfort her, ask her if you can hold her (in a non-sexual way) and comfort her. Be open in communication, be compassionate and tender in words and actions. Healing is an individual thing. If Christ is in the center of her healing then it will go much better without Him, but still time and trial and error are the ways of the healing path.

I know for me, I've been through therapy, and have done huge growth, but for putting that healing into action in a relationship, that's not happened. Thus when that time comes I may have more things crop up or I may not. Just love and be patient.

If you want to start a relationship with her, that could be scary for her because you do know so much of what she's gone through. Even though you have a deep history of trust and friendship, going one step further with you knowing about the rape, can either be comforting for her or scare the daylights out of her. Just go slow, tell her how you feel and let her express what she things and feels. It sound like you already have a deep respect for her, just keep that in the fore front and Christ in the center of the relationship.

God bless you for your friendship with her. She needs that the most.