Frustrated (No intimacy)

[Blood bought1]

Hello, I am new to this forum and I am a Christian. My wife and I have been married going on 13 years now.
My wife has never been a real affectionate person. But for the past 2 years it has gotten worse. She has been going to college to get her degree and will finally be finished next week. Which makes me very proud of her.
She no longer desires to be intimate (have sex) with me. When we are intimate which has been few and far between lately, Her atitude is basically, Get this over with so you will be taken care of. When I approach her with affection she often rejects me and tells me to basically get out of her face. I am frustrated to the point I do not know what to do.
I have talked to my pastor, he told me to try and get her to go to the doctor and go to a counselor. I have suggested this to her but she refuses to go. She says her family does not do that.
Sadly, everyone in her family is divorced and miserable.
Is this normal behavior for a woman? Am I asking to much from her?

 

[blitzn]

Are you both saved? There is going to be a reason your wife is stand-offish toward you in that regard. Is your relationship in a place where if you ask her nicely and sincerely, that she will share with you what's on her heart?

- blitzn

 

[elite_lady]

Hello, I am new to this forum and I am a Christian. My wife and I have been married going on 13 years now.
My wife has never been a real affectionate person. But for the past 2 years it has gotten worse. She has been going to college to get her degree and will finally be finished next week. Which makes me very proud of her.
She no longer desires to be intimate (have sex) with me. When we are intimate which has been few and far between lately, Her atitude is basically, Get this over with so you will be taken care of. When I approach her with affection she often rejects me and tells me to basically get out of her face. I am frustrated to the point I do not know what to do.
I have talked to my pastor, he told me to try and get her to go to the doctor and go to a counselor. I have suggested this to her but she refuses to go. She says her family does not do that.
Sadly, everyone in her family is divorced and miserable.
Is this normal behavior for a woman? Am I asking to much from her?

What is the rest of your marriage like? Do you have children? Are you equally educated? Has the pursuit of the degree taken away her energy? Does she also hold a job outside the home?
If so, your wife may be suffering from something called the hurried woman syndrome... Depending on age and ethnicity, she may also hold preconceived notions as to what stage at which she would be willing to accept counselling. Since she is still willing to accomodate you sexually (some of the time), even though she won't initiate, she may not see the sex issue as a legitimate concern.

Have you grown or are you growing apart? Some women resist intimacy when they no longer feel emotionally or mentally synched with their mates...

Is she also a Christian? Perhaps insted of a counselor, you should take her to your pastor... A certain stigma, unfortunately, has been placed on people who seek professional help. But, if she is comfortable in your church-home, perhaps she would also be comfortable talking to a Christian leader...

 

[Blood bought1]

Yes, we are both Christians. I try to be open as possible with her and we communicate. She is 34 years old and we have 2 children. Our oldest is 14. Our oldest was born before we met and I adopted her as my own a year after we where married. Our youngest is 10. She does not have a job outside the home. She is a full time student and homemaker.
My wife has a very low self image. She is a beautiful woman. (which is part of my frustration). But, she thinks she is fat, ugly, and old.
She is a size 6 (not fat), I see other men notice her (she is not ugly)
and she is 34 (give me a break, this is not old).
I continually tell her how beautiful she is, how much I love her but to none effect. In fact she tells me that I am just trying to get in her pants when I tell her that or try to be romantic.
My pastor told me that her low self esteem could be a major factor.
I believe she has her low self esteem from her family which are always critical of her appearence. Which, I think they are just jealous. They are very unhappy and bitter people.

But how do I help her self image if my intentions are always taken wrong.

 

[elite_lady]

take her out on the town to celebrate her new degree... but don't try to have sex with her (although i know you may want to). she's probably been attending school with a lot of younger women, further downing her self-confidence...

 

[Blood bought1]

Thank you for your replies, we talked some more and things are better.
I really think the fact that college for her will be finished at the end of this week really takes the load off.
I guess she plans on looking for a job after, but doesn't seem to excited about it. I am not going to pressure her to find a job. I would really like to find something that she really enjoys. But, it is not like we will go broke if she doesn't find one right away.

 

[coastie]

Thank you for your replies, we talked some more and things are better.
I really think the fact that college for her will be finished at the end of this week really takes the load off.
I guess she plans on looking for a job after, but doesn't seem to excited about it. I am not going to pressure her to find a job. I would really like to find something that she really enjoys. But, it is not like we will go broke if she doesn't find one right away.

It was hard for me, but I encouraged my wife to quite her job when I could tell that she was getting frustrated with it.

Her attitude changed a lot once she had more time to be at home and around me.

when you only see each other 4 or 5 times a week for about 3 hours at a time, the relationship starts to lose it's luster.

I'd encourage her to take a year or two off from work and try and focus on the relationship. If school can cause such turmoil, then work can definately do the same.

Just my $.02

 

[thanksjesus]

Hi blood bought.

I recommend a book called, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

This book is a must read for any Christian marriage. I just got married last July(praise God) and this book is AWESOME.

You can pick up a copy from amazon for about 4 bucks(used) 8 bucks new.

Here is a short description of the book:

While love is a many splendored thing, it is sometimes a very confusing thing, too. And as people come in all varieties, shapes, and sizes, so do their choices of personal expressions of love. But more often than not, the giver and the receiver express love in two different ways. This can lead to misunderstanding, quarrels, and even divorce.
Below are the 5 Love Languages.

• Quality Time
• Words of Affirmation
• Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

When you both identify what your love language is, you can start filling the others "love tank". When your love tank gets filled by your mate, you cant help it, you want to fill their tank. GOD is GREAT.


Dr. Gary Chapman identifies five basic languages of love and then guides couples towards a better understanding of their unique languages of love. Learn to speak and understand your mate’s love language, and in no time you will be able to effectively love and truly feel loved in return.

Skillful communication is within your grasp!

Hope this helps. God Bless

 

[dldeskins]

I addition to the book above, get the book Intimate Issues (http://www.intimateissues.com/ ) for your wife. This is a book on sex written by two christian women.

 

[AlabamaMan]

I too am in college working on a degree and I can tell you it is very frustrating and the work load can be enormous...and yes, I can see where she may feel old, heck I feel old and I am only 27 almost 28. But when your around 18, 19, 20 year olds you feel ancient. With her being so close now to getting her degree I can see why over the last few months she may have been like this. When you get to that point where you've been in school for a while you get burnt out and it almost bleeds over into your personal life if you let it, some folks just seperate the 2 better than others.

 

[Blood bought1]

All of your support is wonderful, thanksjesus, I know of that book you speak about. In fact, our church had a class on it. I was able to attend but my wife had classes so she wasn't able to attend with me. I wish she would have.
The other day I was really depressed, and she noticed and asked me what was wrong.
I told her and she was very understanding and I really felt again that she does love me. I am concerned about the job issue my brother-in-law told me when she gets a job it will be worse. I hope not. But, I will support her in whatever she does.

 

[ceres]

I wouldn't suggest buying anyhting for your wife about sex. I would read the Five Love Languages, and pray, and try to get really close to your wife in ways other than sex. Do you think she feels emotionally intimate with you? The two tend to go hand in hand. Don't push her, don't make suggestions, these could only go wrong. You focus on doing what you can only to get close enough to her that she wants to show her love back, and then you can share your heart about what would make you feel loved back.

 

[dldeskins]

I wouldn't suggest buying anyhting for your wife about sex.

Hmmm, the name of this thread is "Frustrated (No intimacy)" and you don't want his wife to read anything about sex??? I don't understand.

A lot of the subjects in the book deal with past hurts, past sin, etc. and the lack of intimacy in marriage. If the wife is really interested in saving the marriage and being a real woman of God, she will gladly read the book.

ceres, I would be willing to bet that you have not read Intimate Issues. Am I right?

God Bless,

 

[ceres]

Yes, obviously you do not understand.

If he wants more sex, buying a book about sex and giving it to his wife is not going to help, it is going to make her feel coerced not loved. She needs to feel loved.

I have read the book, I own the book, its not all that good to be honest.

 

[Blood bought1]

Ceres,
I do understand what you are talking about, and you are exactly right.
It is good to have a womans perspective. Because I know what would happen if I gave her a book like that. I would probably be lucky to get sex once a year or at all.
I was raised different from my wife, My family was pretty open about sex
and my mom and dad showed affection for each other.
My wife on the other hand did not have an affectionate family and sex was taboo in their house. They did not talk about it and it was something dirty.
So, I would say that my love language is physical touch. When I try to touch her for affection. She often takes it as a sexual advance. So if she shows affection back, she thinks that I will expect more and want sex.
She is right about this some of the time, but not all the time. The problem is, she has withheld affection from me for so long I often become comfused when she does actually show it. That I think or hope it is an open door, because usually at this point I am so sexually frustrated I am looking for any open door.

 

[lilac angel]

As someone who has struggled with my desire to be intimate with my husband, I totally agree with ceres.

It is hard to say why your wife isn't interested in intimacy at this time. There could be any number of reasons. But all I know is, that once you're not interested, if your husband keeps pressing the issue it can really make you feel like your husband cares more about sex than about your feelings.

For me, I know that it certainly wasn't that I got something out of not wanting to have sex. When I am not interested, I *really* wish that I could be. It's not fun to not be interested in sex, and I doubt she is doing it to be a burden to her husband. If she was, then she wouldn't be trying to have sex with you even when she doesn't feel interested. She wants to please you, but something inside her is not up to the activity.

I know that it is frustrating for a husband. I also know that when a husband tries to "fix" the problem (as husbands can be prone to do), that he most likely really does desire that his wife enjoy sex. However, if I'm at a low point and my husband comes at me asking me to read books or do various things that will "solve" our problem, I am most likely going to think that he's doing it for himself, not for me.

I can't speak for every woman, but for me, just knowing that he loves me anyway and is not going to pressure me does SO much more to help me become interested in sex again than any book or attempt to improve our sex life. When my husband pressures me to become more interested in sex, it can make me think that his love for me is conditional on whether or not I have sex with him - even though I know in my mind that this is not true.

But emotions are often a major factor in why a woman would lose interest in sex. We need to feel loved and respected to become interested in sex. When pressure is put on, we feel the exact opposite.

 

[lilac angel]

I would say that my love language is physical touch. When I try to touch her for affection. She often takes it as a sexual advance. So if she shows affection back, she thinks that I will expect more and want sex.

My husband believes physical touch is his love language also! That is what makes this type of situation so frustrating. I want him to respect me and not to need sex, but to just LOVE me, yet he DOES need it, or eventually he begins to feel unloved. It is so frustrating, and we are still battling with it.

I won't go into detail right now about our struggles, but I just wanted you to know that I can relate and you are not alone in your trials.

 

[Svt4Him]

Well, here's my story...in part. My wife was the same way. She came from a rough background, and then, once we were married, her attitude changed. She would have sex, but that's all it was. No woman can understand what this does to a guy, IMO. Eventually, I filled out separation papers, and my wife and I were going to get divorced, as I couldn't stand it anymore. My main issue was the lack of intimacy, and it affects everything you do. I found I was drawn to any woman who would give me any bit of encouragement (my love language is words of affirmation), and I found the perfect girl. Having tried to fix this problem for six years, I had had enough, and rightly so. But we decided to stay together, for one last chance (again, with the separation papers filled out) and something happened to my wife, as well as to me. Her whole attitude changed regarding sex. We went through some deliverance, but I can't say exactly what or when it changed. So from that I realized a few things, and the main one is an unhealthy sex life will affect every area of a guys life. A healthy sex life is normal, and involves compromises on both parts. Sometimes it takes some outside help to get to the root of it, sometimes some deliverance. Communication is key, and, honestly if I had to go through it again, I'd get divorced, and if I didn't have kids, I would have been divorced a long time ago. But now my marriage is exactly like I could have hoped for, and I am glad. I realized I had some issues, my wife realized she had some issues, but at least we can be intimate. I can tell you some other things that happened, but it'd have to be pm'ed.

If your wife is constantly talking about how ugly she is, as Dr. Phil says, "What's the payoff?"

 

[lilac angel]

About the low self-esteem. I would suggest helping her build up her self-esteem through compliments that are not about her physical appearance. Not to say that you shouldn't compliment her appearance now and then - just don't expect it to turn her perspective around, especially if she's suspicious of your motives.

She needs to view herself as a new creation in Christ - worthy of love and thought of as special and beautiful by the Father. Encourage her to get involved in a women's Bible study if she's not already, or go to a women's retreat if your church has such a thing. Things like that can really be helpful.

 

[dldeskins]

Yes, obviously you do not understand.

If he wants more sex, buying a book about sex and giving it to his wife is not going to help, it is going to make her feel coerced not loved. She needs to feel loved.

I have read the book, I own the book, its not all that good to be honest.

Oh yes, it is a wonderful book! It has changed so many lives of women just in our church.

And it discusses directly the issue that he is "frustrated" with. He wants more intimacy... Intimate Issues ... do you get it now???

If you are suggesting that there can be intimacy without sex in a marriage, you are sadly mistaken. Even the Bible says that husbands and wives are not to withhold from one another. And if this is the case, then each is tempted to stray.