From Church Signs To Bloopers In The Bulletin To Pulpit Quips

[Michie]

You've seen them in your community: those church signs you see, often in front of Protestant churches.

Some are funny. Some are biting. Some corny. Some are clever, indeed. Some are unintentionally ironic.

Most are meant to be witty.

"Seven days without prayer makes 1 weak," reads a favorite.
"Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help," is another.
"Get rich quick. Count your blessings."
"Eternity: smoking or non-smoking?"
"Honk if you love Jesus. (Text while driving if you want to meet Him)."
"Occupy Church."
"Hot? Our church is prayer-conditioned."
"There's no A.C. in hell either."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Every day above ground is a good one."
Clever? Corny?
"God answers knee-mail."
"The most powerful position is on your knees."
"A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing."
"Repent now. Avoid the rush on Judgment Day."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place."
"This is a sign!"

Okay. You get the point. In Heaven, we'll see that Jesus has the sparkle of humor (which so often comes with love) in His eyes.

Then there are the serious ones.

"Tsunami - AIDS War: Do you Hear Me Now?"
"A family altar can alter a family."
"Don't put a question mark where God put a period."
"Success is failure turned inside out."
"Worry is the darkroom in which 'negatives' are developed."
"Church shopping? We're open on Sundays."
"Nothing big ever comes from being small."
"Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler."
"1 cross plus 3 nails equals forgiven."

Then there are those church-bulletin bloopers.
Have you seen those?
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs."

"The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend the tragedy."

"The preacher will preach his farewell massage, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth With Joy.'"

"Thursday night: Potluck Supper - Prayer and medication will follow."​

"Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance."
"Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door."

"The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning."
"A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."

And for a few jokes:
"'Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, Arizona, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: 'Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.'"

"The Sunday School Teacher asks, 'Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?' 'No sir,' Little Johnny replies, 'I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook!'"

"My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

And some Catholic humor?
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speedster! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!

 

[SMA12]

The Pope joke had cracking up! Very funny thread, thanks!