Friendship with ex boyfriend

[clep]

I have reconcilled with my son's father. He left me three times in the past for about a year each time, or just under. He is in recovery as he is an alcoholic. I still fear relapse as it happened once already.

We have both entered into a relationship with God and given ourselves to him about five months ago. We are working together to live for God and his will. Everything is going quite well between us.

I do have a decision to make. I was seeing a man for a short period when my partner left me. The man and I remained friends after we parted. It was very brief, just long enough for me to determine that he was not right for me at all. We still get along well, he likes my son's dad and is quite excited for us to be back together. He was hesitant at first due to how cruel and selfish my guy was when he left me and how terribly he treated our son. He did share with me his concern for me, respected my decisions and left it at that. They know each other and seemed to be comfortable together. So far I have only seen my ex in front of my guy to avoid any issues.

My guy doesn't think me having a friendship with this guy is healthy or good. I think that if I feel I am not doing anything wrong what is the problem. If I am able to feel comfortable with God seeing me interact with this guy and talk to him on the phone, knowing I have strong boundaries what is the problem.

I guess it really comes down to this for me. I have a fear still that my guy will leave me again and I will have left the friendship for nothing. I have let go of a couple of friendships with men in the past when we reconciled and my guy just left me again. I lost the friendships.

I feel at this point that I need to see consistency in our relationship for quite a while to be willing to even consider letting go of good supportive people in my life. Even then why would my guy want me to leave healthy, supportive friendships. I don't understand why we wouldn't just set boundaries for the relationship. If I am being honest and unselfish there should be no problem.

I also want to ensure I am doing what is right by God and trust that God will take care of the rest. God doesn't control free will though....hence my fear.

What are other's takes on this?

 

[fm107]

Men don't like their women having close friendships with other men. Period.

How would you feel if your husband/partner was on the phone to a lady, would you feel comfortable with that? Would you feel comfortable with him socialising with lady friends? I think the answer is of course you aren’t.

In the same way, this can cause your partner to get jealous. It isn't a good thing. There could be room for temptation too, if not from your end then perhaps from the man's.

From a guys perspective, I don't think guys in general become close friends with girls unless they have a mindset for a relationship with the girl. Either that or they aren't straight.

I think you should back off with this relationship. You can still be friends and be on friendly terms. You can may be even explain this to your friend, it's totally logical and understandable.


This guy who is your friend should probably see for himself that you're back together and should have the sense to back off and let you get on with your relationship with your partner. You may not have to say anything to him, but just cool things down, i.e. stop phoning him etc.

 

[Criada]

it doesn't sound as though you are doing anything wrong.. but it is understandable that while you are trying to re establish the relationship, your partner is wary of you having a close friendship with someone for whom you once had romantic feelings.
Can you talk to your ex and ask him to back off for a while whilst you work on your relationship... you don't have to lose the friendship, just put it on the back burner for a while
Praying for all of you.

 

[clep]

Men don't like their women having close friendships with other men. Period.

How would you feel if your husband/partner was on the phone to a lady, would you feel comfortable with that? Would you feel comfortable with him socialising with lady friends? I think the answer is of course you aren’t.

In the same way, this can cause your partner to get jealous. It isn't a good thing. There could be room for temptation too, if not from your end then perhaps from the man's.

From a guys perspective, I don't think guys in general become close friends with girls unless they have a mindset for a relationship with the girl. Either that or they aren't straight.

I think you should back off with this relationship. You can still be friends and be on friendly terms. You can may be even explain this to your friend, it's totally logical and understandable.


This guy who is your friend should probably see for himself that you're back together and should have the sense to back off and let you get on with your relationship with your partner. You may not have to say anything to him, but just cool things down, i.e. stop phoning him etc.

Thanks for the response. The only part I have a problem with is the assumption that you would know how I feel in saying I of course would not feel comfortable with him having lady friends. I actually feel completely comfortable with that.

 

[JC_Crust]

i have alot of male friends but i dont talk to anyone i ever dated. all my friends have been platonic. also my boyfriend doesnt talk to girls hes dated but has female friends.

 

[clep]

it doesn't sound as though you are doing anything wrong.. but it is understandable that while you are trying to re establish the relationship, your partner is wary of you having a close friendship with someone for whom you once had romantic feelings.
Can you talk to your ex and ask him to back off for a while whilst you work on your relationship... you don't have to lose the friendship, just put it on the back burner for a while
Praying for all of you.

Ya I have thought about letting him know that I need to concentrate on my relationship, and I am confident he would feel fine with that. I don't presume he would just back off as he leaves my choices and decisions for what I feel is right for myself up to me and expects me to communicate my needs.

I think the hard part for me is that I have left the friendship with my ex twice already to suit my guy after the last two times he left me. My ex was very sweet about it both times. I guess I am tired of my friendships with the ex, and my female friends to be an issue for my guy. To be honest this doesn't extend to just men, and I guess that is part of the problem for me too. The other part is that the last two times my guy left me that would have been the perfect time for "temptation" with my ex and I to get the best of us, but that didn't happen. It didn't because we are not interested in each other that way.

I think I just want to be sure now that I am not going to lose friends in my life that are valuable to me. They have tolerated me ending the friendships twice now, as phone conversations or backing off were not tolerated by my guy. I'm not sure how much they are going to take, and how tired they will get of this.

At the same time I don't want to do anything to set my relationship up for failure. Thanks for the response.

 

[clep]

i have alot of male friends but i dont talk to anyone i ever dated. all my friends have been platonic. also my boyfriend doesnt talk to girls hes dated but has female friends.

So you are one of those people who believe in platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex then. Why is it that you do not talk to people you have dated but people you haven't?

 

[Sketcher]

Thanks for the response. The only part I have a problem with is the assumption that you would know how I feel in saying I of course would not feel comfortable with him having lady friends. I actually feel completely comfortable with that.

Would you still feel that way if one of those lady friends was someone that he was seeing during one of the times he left you? There's a difference between having friends of the opposite sex and friends of the opposite sex that you have any sort of a dating history with.

It's about respect, really. Whether you're insecure about him being friends with other women or not, it doesn't matter - you're probably insecure about something. How would you feel if he continually did something that you both know aggravates that insecurity. That's what being friends with an ex does for a lot of people, both men and women, including him. If you want to build a good relationship with him, he needs you to respect him and not press those "insecure" buttons. Likewise, he needs to do the same for you.

Now, you should have healthy, supportive friendships. You should have them at church, and they should primarily be with other women who are well-grounded in the Lord. If your man has a problem with that, then that's a very bad sign and you may need to get out of this relationship.

 

[JC_Crust]

So you are one of those people who believe in platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex then. Why is it that you do not talk to people you have dated but people you haven't?

i totally believe in it. i have friends that are just like my girlfriends. we can hang out and its all good. i still try not to hang out with them one on one tho if im seeing someone because i dont want anyone to get the wrong impression. i dont talk to people ive dated for 2 reasons. 1: its not fair to the person im currently with because if i dated them then at one point i was attracted to them. plus i wouldnt want them to hang out with a girl they dated before so it would be unfair for me to not do the same. 2: every guy ive dated turned out to be someone that i dont want to talk to again anyway lol

 

[clep]

Would you still feel that way if one of those lady friends was someone that he was seeing during one of the times he left you? There's a difference between having friends of the opposite sex and friends of the opposite sex that you have any sort of a dating history with.

It's about respect, really. Whether you're insecure about him being friends with other women or not, it doesn't matter - you're probably insecure about something. How would you feel if he continually did something that you both know aggravates that insecurity. That's what being friends with an ex does for a lot of people, both men and women, including him. If you want to build a good relationship with him, he needs you to respect him and not press those "insecure" buttons. Likewise, he needs to do the same for you.

Now, you should have healthy, supportive friendships. You should have them at church, and they should primarily be with other women who are well-grounded in the Lord. If your man has a problem with that, then that's a very bad sign and you may need to get out of this relationship.

I guess if he was having emotional or sexual affairs and I was insecure due to his actions I would have some serious decisions to make there regarding the relationship. If my insecurities were not due to his actions but something within myself, it is my responsibility in my eyes to work on my personal flaws and or lack of self worth that has caused that challenge for myself.

If he did something that aids in my insecurities I would have to determine the root of those insecurities and go from there. A person with self worth issues can find a multitude of insecurities that the other person hopefully would not be expected to enable. If I enable insecurities that do not stem from me I am not doing my partner any favors in enabling those insecurities as that stifles personal growth in my eyes.

I like what you have to say about those friendships being grounded in the lord. Thanks for that perspective.

 

[clep]

Would you still feel that way if one of those lady friends was someone that he was seeing during one of the times he left you? There's a difference between having friends of the opposite sex and friends of the opposite sex that you have any sort of a dating history with.

It's about respect, really. Whether you're insecure about him being friends with other women or not, it doesn't matter - you're probably insecure about something. How would you feel if he continually did something that you both know aggravates that insecurity. That's what being friends with an ex does for a lot of people, both men and women, including him. If you want to build a good relationship with him, he needs you to respect him and not press those "insecure" buttons. Likewise, he needs to do the same for you.

Now, you should have healthy, supportive friendships. You should have them at church, and they should primarily be with other women who are well-grounded in the Lord. If your man has a problem with that, then that's a very bad sign and you may need to get out of this relationship.

Oh sorry I didn't answer your first question. I would not have a problem with him having a friendship with someone he was seeing when he left me. His actions do not determine who she is as a person. The fact that she was seeing him when he was single does not determine her value systems and how she would behave when he is attached. Her perceptions or actions do not determine anything anyways in my eyes. If she came on to him it is his responsibility to share his boundaries and put a stop to that. If he doesn't do that, the flaw in him that allows him to have poor boundaries with her is the problem. He could be like that with any woman, doesn't have to be his ex.

 

[heron]

Your relationships are your decision. Whether they are right or not are your responsibility, not the manipulation of someone else. It is up to you to keep these healthy and ethical.

You have taken some considerate steps, and that is good to respect the worries of someone you care for. But you do not need to set a precedent that another person determines who your friends are! That is a scary, oppressive life to look forward to.

You have many years ahead of you to live in the same world with men. If half of the population is male, you can't just pretend they don't exist in your world. You will have to work with males, go to church with males, serve on committees, go to family outings.... they just don't go away!

It will be important for your partner to see that too -- that every interaction you have with another gender is not going to be based on a romantic premise. You have more going on in your life than that.

Your opinion is just important as his.

I would be very cautious about counting on a decent relationship with your ex, after his proven track record. God can change people drastically, but he might not have had enough time to let this gel. That is your decision. If your son is old and accustomed to being with his dad, then it can be important to hold certain things together for his sake. There are sacrifices all parents make for their children, and sometimes romance is not what keeps couples together

The father of your son will need to see his son for years to come, so whether you are together or not, you will always end up seeing him, as the intermediary. But you might consider some creative options that keep you from getting hurt again. For instance, setting up a duplex where you live in separate areas, and your son can easily go back and forth. Protect yourself legally from having to absorb losses that an alcoholic might incur (layoffs, unpaid bills, dwi's).

I'm sorry, that wasn't your question.
Search your own heart and be honest with yourself about this other guy. Are you keeping him in your back pocket in case the ex falls through, or do you really just enjoy the friendship? (Don't answer.) Treat it like a diet -- can you trust yourself to buy taco chips, and use them sparingly? You are in charge of your own limits.

 

[clep]

Your relationships are your decision. Whether they are right or not are your responsibility, not the manipulation of someone else. It is up to you to keep these healthy and ethical.

You have taken some considerate steps, and that is good to respect the worries of someone you care for. But you do not need to set a precedent that another person determines who your friends are! That is a scary, oppressive life to look forward to.

You have many years ahead of you to live in the same world with men. If half of the population is male, you can't just pretend they don't exist in your world. You will have to work with males, go to church with males, serve on committees, go to family outings.... they just don't go away!

It will be important for your partner to see that too -- that every interaction you have with another gender is not going to be based on a romantic premise. You have more going on in your life than that.

Your opinion is just important as his.

I would be very cautious about counting on a decent relationship with your ex, after his proven track record. God can change people drastically, but he might not have had enough time to let this gel. That is your decision. If your son is old and accustomed to being with his dad, then it can be important to hold certain things together for his sake. There are sacrifices all parents make for their children, and sometimes romance is not what keeps couples together

The father of your son will need to see his son for years to come, so whether you are together or not, you will always end up seeing him, as the intermediary. But you might consider some creative options that keep you from getting hurt again. For instance, setting up a duplex where you live in separate areas, and your son can easily go back and forth. Protect yourself legally from having to absorb losses that an alcoholic might incur (layoffs, unpaid bills, dwi's).

I'm sorry, that wasn't your question.
Search your own heart and be honest with yourself about this other guy. Are you keeping him in your back pocket in case the ex falls through, or do you really just enjoy the friendship? (Don't answer.) Treat it like a diet -- can you trust yourself to buy taco chips, and use them sparingly? You are in charge of your own limits.

I think exactly the same way....that it is up to me to keep the friendships healthy and ethical. I guess when I really look at it I believe he knows I would do that. I had a friendship with another guy when he and I were split. When we reconciled I left the friendship as the guy wasn't being respectful of my relationship. He wasn't giving me any romantic feelings but was consistently challenging me as to getting back with my guy. I don't mind hearing it once or twice but that was ridiculous. I am still not friends with him to this day.

I am grateful that I now have more than a decent relationship. Our relationship is thriving now and so is he. It took an HONEST program of recovery and a relationship with God to make that happen. There are still three areas though that he has challenges with. Those challenges are not what they used to be, but are still there slightly. A lack of self worth is one of those which plays a role in present day.

We had a talk last night where I shared my decision not to end the friendship with my ex. I shared why, the boundaries I have as a person that shows respect for him in the process. He listened, thought about it and responded quite nicely. He did admit that his insecurities are not due to anything I have done. He trusts that my strong boundaries in life, especially in this area allow him to believe I would stomp on any advancements by any male quickly. I am grateful he is now the type of person to challenge himself. I asked him why he would want me to leave the relationship in the first place. He did let me know that the distorted and selfish thinking of an alcoholic can allow for him to make undue demands on others even in a subtle way. He does have the ability to catch it now and put it in check before it consumes the relationship. He seems to be accepting of me not leaving the friendship with the current boundaries I have in place.

I did hear you say for me not to answer the question of whether I might be keeping the ex around in case my guy and I split. If that was the case the last two times my guy left the ex and I would have been together. I think if someone has the mentality to keep someone around just in case, the relationship is doomed to begin with.

 

[throughchristimchanged]

I have reconcilled with my son's father. He left me three times in the past for about a year each time, or just under. He is in recovery as he is an alcoholic. I still fear relapse as it happened once already.

We have both entered into a relationship with God and given ourselves to him about five months ago. We are working together to live for God and his will. Everything is going quite well between us.

I do have a decision to make. I was seeing a man for a short period when my partner left me. The man and I remained friends after we parted. It was very brief, just long enough for me to determine that he was not right for me at all. We still get along well, he likes my son's dad and is quite excited for us to be back together. He was hesitant at first due to how cruel and selfish my guy was when he left me and how terribly he treated our son. He did share with me his concern for me, respected my decisions and left it at that. They know each other and seemed to be comfortable together. So far I have only seen my ex in front of my guy to avoid any issues.

My guy doesn't think me having a friendship with this guy is healthy or good. I think that if I feel I am not doing anything wrong what is the problem. If I am able to feel comfortable with God seeing me interact with this guy and talk to him on the phone, knowing I have strong boundaries what is the problem.

I guess it really comes down to this for me. I have a fear still that my guy will leave me again and I will have left the friendship for nothing. I have let go of a couple of friendships with men in the past when we reconciled and my guy just left me again. I lost the friendships.

I feel at this point that I need to see consistency in our relationship for quite a while to be willing to even consider letting go of good supportive people in my life. Even then why would my guy want me to leave healthy, supportive friendships. I don't understand why we wouldn't just set boundaries for the relationship. If I am being honest and unselfish there should be no problem.

I also want to ensure I am doing what is right by God and trust that God will take care of the rest. God doesn't control free will though....hence my fear.

What are other's takes on this?

put this into realities perspective, and flip it as he was in this certain situation and he had a woman and had you, how would you feel.?

the actuality is that at once both these men where pursuing you, those feeling memories and moments will always be there, so deep down inside whoever your with you will still have those, the most respectful thing to do is, cut both completely out of your life, and only seek GOD until stability is all you know, your Childs father is the only exception because yes indeed GOD wants you to not have your child suffer maturing as an adult,

take a vow of celibacy and you will see what I mean