Friendship Advice?

[Fireflies]

I'm not really someone who asks for advice often, because I usually am the one giving it. However, this time I'm over my head and my wise counsel of friends and/or family can't help me.

If you have any suggestions, I'm willing to hear them!

...To sum this up: I have a friend who has become more of a close/really good friend these last few months. She sent me her testimony recently and shared it in a very personal way. There were parts that you usually don't share with just anyone.

-Let me interrupt this by explaining: I struggle with fear of being physically or relationally close to people. This is due to past abuse. However, I don't tell people that and my friend didn't know this. She was already scaring me before, but when I read her testimony, I was on edge.-

After I read it, I went to speak with her about it (because she was waiting for my response to it). I tried to speak to her about it, but I couldn't because the fear was literally making me unable to speak. So... I ran out the door and ran around the neighborhood to shake the fear off.

When I came back, she didn't seem bothered (although I have never done that in front of someone before and my personality isn't like this at all!). She waited to know what I was going to say and the fear grew worse as I sat there, trying to speak.
She ended up asking me a question regarding the cause of the fear and I ended up CRYING. (I never cry). She went to hug me but I didn't allow her because I don't like being touched. She knew about the no touching thing previously but never liked it (I think it bothered her when I first told her because she likes to hug her friends).
When I pushed her away I ended up CRYING AGAIN and briefly explaining that friends, family and strangers have abused me in the past so I don't like people touching me... nor did I like people being close to me emotionally. She said okay and walked away.

I took another walk. When I came back, I apologized for telling her about that and for crying. Then I left her alone and we haven't spoken to each other for a few days. I think she's partially avoiding me. Don't blame her though.

Honestly... I screwed up big time! 1) I was supposed to talk about HER testimony, not make it about me! 2) In not so direct words, I told her I didn't want her getting close to me. 3) I freaking told her that I went through abuse!! And if you think that it's okay to share with people- you're wrong. There's a stigma that people place on you. They treat you different and think of you differently.

All in all- this was completely embarrassing, selfish and a horrible moment. I wish I could erase it. AND I probably lost a very good friend in the process.
I'm not even sure what kind of advice I should ask for.

This sucks.

 

[twnsrkr]

Everyone has issues. If she really is a friend, she's happy to know about your past, so she can help you any way she can in the future. You might have squished her a little by pushing her away, but all you have to do is apologize and explain yourself. Communication is absolutely essential in any form of relationship. You may have told her things you didn't intend to reveal, but its a seed of trust that you can watch grow. You should talk to her. While you think she's avoiding you, she may just be giving you space to recuperate. Talk to her. This is most likely the start of something, not the end.

 

[Fireflies]

Thank you twnsrkr. That's good advice. I guess I'll shoot her an email...

 

[Spunkn]

What twnsrkr said. If you don't feel comfortable telling her face to face, write a letter. That sometimes helps me. Just say that you need to take things a little bit slower, and that you're not used to someone being so open with you. She needs to be aware of some of your boundaries (hugging) so that she can respect them, but you need to also give her a chance, and not assume the worst about her. I'll bet that if you talk to her again, she'll be very forgiving and compassionate towards you. If you don't talk to her again, you may be losing a valuable friendship over assumptions that probably aren't true.

She's probably just giving you some space like Twnsrkr said. Assumptions can be dangerous at times.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

First of all, the thing that jumps out to me is that you come across as upset that you cried. Just because it's not in your personality to cry doesn't mean that you shouldn't. It's ok to cry...even in front of someone else. The Bible says that we are to bear one another's burdens...and so fulfill the law of Christ. By not letting someone else see us like that, we are actually denying a natural process.

Secondly, it's ok to set boundaries. If you prefer to not be touched, that is ok. It was ok for you to turn down a hug. She may not understand it, but if she is truly a friend, she will accept it and respect it. You need to set clear boundaries, though, or she will not know what those are.

Thirdly, the stuff from your past abuse is bound to surface from time to time. And that's ok. And if she's a true friend, she will understand. You do not need to feel guilty for how you reacted. When you react like that, it's because it triggered something in you that caused you to involuntarily react. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, or that something is wrong with you. The natural effects of the abuse will be there...or you can try to squish them down and ignore them but that's not really good either. If you've not had a chance to process the abuse with someone safe, then you are bound to have things that trigger the memories.

It's ok to be afraid of people, of intimacy, and of closeness in friendships. But long term, you are going to find yourself very alone, and rejecting the very thing that you need the most, which is love. At our core, as humans, our one need, whether we feel it or not, is to be loved with a Christ like love. So what you can do in the future is try to open yourself up just a little bit to possibly letting someone in, or at least open yourself up to the fact that people might actually like being around you, and might actually want to be your friend. As a victim of past abuse that was quite severe, even I do the whole 'reject closeness" thing...in fact, that is the battle I am fighting this very minute. I want acceptance and want love but when it's handed to me I reject it.

However, you can, and will overcome that aspect of things if you want to. The trick is to find safe people. Coming where you're coming from, being able to differentiate who is and who is not a safe person is probably very difficult...AND it feels like ALL people are unsafe. Particularly if you were injured as a child, what you learned as a child is that all people are like this...that is a subconscious mental process but that's how it is. As an adult, you have a choice to try to re-learn a few things that your brain learned the wrong way. There ARE safe people out there, and you need to find one or two, so that you can learn how to "do relationships" again. Because honestly, you and I and every other person on this earth needs relationship with someone. People may say we don't, but yes, we do. We were created to be in relationship with God firstly and secondly with people. We were not meant to be alone at any point in time. It is easier to feel alone, but in the long run, having a safe person or two is healthy, and needed.

If someone places a stigma on you because of your abuse then it is only because they do not know how to handle it. That is one way to recognize someone who can't be a safe place for you. People who are truly safe will treat you with empathy (which you may not feel like accepting at the time) but will not view you any differently. It's ok for people to feel sorry for you, to feel empathy for you...that does not mean that it's creepy or that they're trying to get more out of you. With true friends, it helps them to understand why you do what you do...why you say what you say. The effects of abuse are lasting, the scars are forever, and just knowing that someone has been through crap will help people to understand and accept you even more. And those who can't handle it aren't worth your time in the first place. I know it's hard...I know!! But you can do it. There is no shame in what you've been through, and there is no shame in your reaction, no shame in letting some people know where you've come from. Doesn't mean you need to let every joe schmo know that you've been abused. But in your closer circle, it means they can support you, and understand you better. You probably just want to be "normal" and be treated like nothing ever happened but reality is, something did happen, and it did change your world, and it does change your perceptions, and it did hurt you, and it did change what you need and want in life. So it's ok to get support, and to let it all out with a safe person. If you feel ashamed for talking about it, like it's something you did wrong, then it's almost like the abuser is still abusing you...and telling you that it's a shameful thing..."look at what you have done you horrible girl...be ashamed...!" When in reality there is nothing to be ashamed about.

I'd send you hugs, but you don't like hugs lol so...sending up a prayer for you, and also please know I am an open book, and am willing to listen if you want to vent, and answer any questions you might have. You are not alone, and you are totally ok just as you are! God bless!

 

[Amber.ly]

To have a good friend you need to be a good friend. Withholding yourself both physically and emotionally will leave you with shallow relationships only.

It sounds like this girl needs more from a friendship then you are willing to give right now. Its neither of your faults.

If you are willing to take the risk and work on being more open, more receptive to her, then I think you should contact her and tell her that. I bet she will understand and would also share the load of making the friendship work. Less hugging on her part, more vulnerability for you. It would be tough but those are the best kind of friendships. The ones that have weight behind them because of what you go through together.

 

[Fireflies]

To everyone: Thank you very much! I appreciate all of you guys and your replies. I see the wisdom the Lord has placed in all of you. God bless you guys, in Jesus' name!

To Spunkn- You're right, it isn't good to let it drop like that. So, I did send her a message. You're right again. It isn't a good habit to assume, especially since humans aren't omniscient... thank you for reminding me.

To Tins- Your entire post hit home. What you said about the shame of it is like the abusers still abusing... I never noticed that or how true it was...

It's all true. From the rejecting love, to now having to relearn "doing relationships", never truly told of the abuses with anyone (just hinted at a part with someone else), to thinking all people are unsafe... you hit the nail on the head.

Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge with me. I mean it with all my heart. Definitely, I'll pray for you too Tins!

To Amber.ly- Yes, with holding yourself leaves shallow relationships.. I know it well. I can be a great friend, and have been with many, many people. But if it ever started getting to be less shallow, more real, I ran.

I do hope that this friendship can become one of those that you speak of. Because those really are some of the best ones.

Update on the Friendship:
I followed all of your advice and sent her a message. It is somewhat smoothed over. When I met her today, it was definitely like there was an elephant in the room. Eventually the atmosphere grew back to almost where it was before the situation happened. It was only when we stopped talking or when we would awkwardly step around each other that the elephant appeared again.
While we haven't talked about abuse or anything, she did say that she wouldn't run away.
So... definitely a nice positive.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

You are most welcome. I am so glad that you were able to connect with what I said. It took me a long time (I am 25 and it's taken me since I was 13) to feel less ashamed of everything and to let stuff out with safe people. Even now I struggle with it but I know now there's no shame in it. The abuser told me there's shame in it but no one else has said that. It might be a stereotype of society but frankly society sucks!!

 

[Inkachu]

Fireflies, I think you're over-reacting a bit to what happened. It's true that your behavior probably freaked your friend out a bit, which is completely understandable, since she doesn't know you very well and had never seen that side of you! BUT if she was truly potential good-friend material, I doubt she's going to suddenly shun you and cut you out of her life UNLESS you turn this into a barrier to be used against the friendship. Please don't turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you are SO convinced that she doesn't want to be your friend anymore, that you refuse to LET her be your friend, and then claim you were right all along.

I was also a victim of several kinds of abuse over many years, and I know the awkward, horrible way it feels when you don't want anyone to get close to you or really know the real you. Abuse convinces us that we're stained, scarred, damaged, and unworthy, and it can take years to overcome those beliefs. It's easier to push people away and stay in our safe little bubbles, but that is not how God wants us to live!

I hope you give this woman a chance to care about you again, and I hope she becomes the friend you want, need, AND deserve

 

[Fireflies]

@Tins- You are an encouragement. Yeah, society does suck! What a great way to put it. It makes me think that we should drop earth's society and pick up our citizenship of God's kingdom. In His kingdom, the only scars there are on the hands and feet of Jesus...

@Celtic Heart- Thank you too. I'll try not to push her away. You're right, I don't want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's true. It's easier to push people away and stay "safe". This can be pretty hard to do, as you know. Especially when I am afraid of people.

Having faced various abuses too, I am very sorry that you went through that. Thank you for giving me advice and for being open.

Update:
While our friendship is doing okay, I know now why I was supposed to bring it up this past week/weekend.
Last night, while in class, I was speaking to a young woman in my major and we have had many conversations previously. We've even brought up several times the issue of rape, abuse and the sex slave trade. Both of us are passionate about it.
However, it was last night that she finally shared that she had a connection with this, like I do, and that she never told anyone. I knew it was the right time for me to share that I had my own connections and it helped her.
It's been several years but she finally was able to share.

All I can say is thank You God for working everything out for good!! Thank you to you all for helping me out with this! I pray that I live and love to show the grace He has given to me.

 

[Spunkn]

That's a huge step, being able to open up to someone like that. Well done!

 

[star in the sky]

wow im the same! I had the same thing happen with my female best friend I look up to her a lot but I felt too I was only uncomfortable but the fear and junk from my past made me physically attracted to her (she was so aware of that) and as we left the matter unspoken about her hurt feelings and I guess surprise made me more physically afraid of being close to her it got worse as the evening went on. I have had close sexual encounters where I nearly could have been raped yes in one of the situations I put myself in the situation but both situations I didn't want to have sex and both males were willing to offer it but I more than declined I ran! I feel physically and emotionally uncomfortable with physical touch and physical closeness ever since plus I am the type of introvert where my love language is not touch doesn't mean though I don't appreciate touch and hugs but it can make me feel very uncomfortable PLUS there's another plus I want you to know about I have a close relationship with my mum shes great but she does cause dysfunction in the family when she is unwell it has left be having a mother wound(google mother wound focus on the family) which is I guess the child acting in hurt and seeking the love , touch, emotional connection that the child never got or in my case at times (still to this day) it causes and this happens with me which is partly what happen with my female best friend as I look up to her so much is that the physical touch brought out erotic feeelings in me because the child of the mother hasn't always had or never had that healthy bond and confuses touch with erotic feelings. @ amberly totally agree It will distance you or me and the person who posted the thread emotionally and physically which isn't much of a friendship so I was thinking about sharing with my friend and Im going to now I feel even more like I want to. Thanks everyone for posting so helpful God bless you!

 

[star in the sky]

sorry for the errors my parents wanted me to have dinner haha!

 

[star in the sky]

and the good news is I shared with my friend