Friendship Advice

[Living4Him03]

I am feeling really hurt and betrayed and confused. One of my best friends, who happens to be a guy, has an ex who doesn't tolerate him spending time with or paying attention to other girls much. Well, it all started when she posted some things on his online journal that seemed rude to me. I posted back, not insulting her, but saying that what she said was rude and my friend didn't deserve that kind of treatment. The thing is, he has told me about the way she treats him. However, he is loyal to her because there was a time in his life where he needed a true friend and she was there for him. Well, it's pretty much apparent that that time has passed.

Anyway, it's not that I want them to stop being friends. However, she (I believe) is attempting to ruin the friendship with him that I have. She claims to be a great Christian and very well may be, but it just seems like she does not want me to be friends with him at all for some reason. Yes, she is probably jealous, but he pays attention to her just as much as he does me if not more. In fact, I'm willing to be he even cares more for her and considers her a closer friend than me! So if anyone should be jealous it would be me. Well, apparently she is jealous and wants all his attention.

So, she got upset when I posted in response to the posts she made which I thought were rude. The only way he thought he could get her to quit bugging him about it was to tell her that he and I are not friends anymore and that he sent me some nasty emails...a complete lie. Now I'm beginning to wonder if he has been lying to me and if he told me something similar! I never thought he'd do something like this or that he would actually choose between friends. He did apologize for lying to her and sort of betraying me in the process, but then today she posted yet again on his site and directly addressed the issues going on between us (me and her). She said something about thinking that it was safe to post again but there must have been a misunderstanding. Well, the only thing I posted was something about one of his kittens...nothing related to her or that SHOULD have upset her!

Well, I wrote her an email (somewhat brief) explaining that we are both Christians and both friends with him and asking her if we could just be civil with one another and get along, even though we do not desire to be the best of friends. I just sent it so I haven't heard back from her, but knowing the way she has reacted before, I still don't think this will bring peace.

What more can I do? Should I feel betrayed by my friend? I am seriously thinking of ending the friendship with him if this doesn't work...even though that would be exactly what his ex is wanting it seems. Advice please!!!

 

[Princess Pea]

The basic problem here is a lack of boundaries. Even though his relationship with this girl is over, she's acting like it's still on, and he's not doing anything to discourage her. It sounds very ambiguous to me, actually - if it's off, why does she still have so much influence over him?

I don't think I'd officially end the friendship with a big dramatic "It's her or me - and if you choose her, I'm never speaking to you again!" I think I would, however, quietly back off. If you want to talk to him first, just tell him that you're going to give him and Miss Green Eyes some space for a while, because it seems like your friendship with him is a source of strife. Who knows - maybe he'll wake up and smell the coffee if he realizes this girl is driving away his other friends! And if he doesn't - well, that says something about his priorities.

Sorry - this doesn't sound like very good news. I know it's not fair. However, it takes two, and until he's willing to stand up to MGR and defend his friendship with you instead of lying to her simply to keep the peace, it's not going to be much of a friendship. Know what I mean?

 

[Living4Him03]

Yah I know what you're saying. I think I will back off, because obviously, for whatever reason, my friendship with him is causing undo strife which he doesn't need. He just started a new job and he has plenty of friends, so me backing off won't be too big a deal I don't think. God never promised we wouldn't go through trials like this. It's about time I had another one lol. Guess that's a positive way of looking at it. They definitely bring us closer to God and I'm all for that, although too many in a row can be pretty exhausting!

 

[justasinner]

Yah I know what you're saying. I think I will back off, because obviously, for whatever reason, my friendship with him is causing undo strife which he doesn't need. He just started a new job and he has plenty of friends, so me backing off won't be too big a deal I don't think. God never promised we wouldn't go through trials like this. It's about time I had another one lol. Guess that's a positive way of looking at it. They definitely bring us closer to God and I'm all for that, although too many in a row can be pretty exhausting!

I think I would back off for a few weeks or maybe a month or so and see what happens. You can use other friends to check up on him. And backing off does not me ending you relationship. Use this time to pray for guidance about this issue. Then when either the ex leaves or God lets you know it time see your friend again.

Plus, who knows may be the ex blames you in some ways for becoming the ex.

 

[Living4Him03]

She was the ex WAY before I came into the picture. She currently has a boyfriend. We don't have any mutual friends so that would be difficult. Oh well, there is nothing else I can do besides praying. She just likes to be in control and likes to have all the attention.

 

[Princess Pea]

my friendship with him is causing undo strife which he doesn't need. He just started a new job and he has plenty of friends, so me backing off won't be too big a deal I don't think.

And you don't need the strife either! And even if it's not a big deal for him, it's still a bummer for you! I'm sorry you're going through this.

God never promised we wouldn't go through trials like this. It's about time I had another one lol. Guess that's a positive way of looking at it. They definitely bring us closer to God and I'm all for that, although too many in a row can be pretty exhausting!

Great attitude! Hang in there ... this too shall pass ...

 

[JPPT1974]

Whatever advice works for you should also be taking God into consideration as well. And also pray for your best friend and make sure that he's making the right decisions. I have ran into in the past my share of "Christian" friends. Who didn't act so sincere. And seemed to turn against me. I was a waitress at this camp(I was only sixteen and immature. But hey I was a teen!) and thought that would be a great place to meet Christians. But they acted more like they didn't want anything to do with me. Nor did they want to do anything with other people outside of "their camps". Just all by themselves and I thought that was bad. I am just giving you all an example and hopefully that woman who claims to be a "Christian" will turn out to be the "real deal."

 

[Brutus/HisCatalyst]

May I step in with a male's perspective? (apologies to justasinner if your a brother, but you have no gender icon.)

First off, Princess Pea gave some great advice, and Pea was right about this young man needing to be more of a help.

The young man should have done something to serve as mediator, not just try to burry the problem. His responsibility as a friend to both of you is to try to serve as a Godly medium while this fued is occuring. He's not responsible for settling the issue, that's up to you and his X, but he's should be on the sidelines providing God's words.

Right now, if your still seeking to perserve the friendship you have with this man, you need to pray that he seeks God's guidence. Also, and I'm sure you're doing this by your post, keep making every effort to find out what it is that this girl is upset about. It may come to a point where you need to throw your hands up, and just pray that God will work the situation to his glory. Even if this includes the lose of a friend. I've lost a few friends from sticking out with God, but he always gives me new and better friends. He may even restore this friendship as you all grow. Romans 8:28

I'll be sure to pray for you three.

 

[Living4Him03]

Thanks for the male perspective

I sent her an email and forwarded it to him, basically saying that I think we should try and get a long because we are both Christians and we are both friends with him and neither of us wants to end our friendship with him. It seems like she is wanting him to choose between the two of us because she can't handle him being friends with me. I think what upset her was that I mentioned one of his kittens in a post on his online journal and I put that if he didn't want the kitten, let me know, as a joke. Well, she came in and posted that she was sooooo glad he came to eat lunch with her and her friend last friday and she was soooooooo glad that he surprised her the other day and gave her a call and came to see her at work and how she thought it was okay to post but apparently it's not. It was just a rude and immature response to my post. Obviously she was upset that he did not bring the kittens for her to see. Well, that's not my fault and I'm sure he would do that willingly if she had asked him.

I don't think it's my fault that she has gotten so upset with me and has gotten jealous. I am not dating him and nor will I be in the future. He doesn't even spend as much time with me as he does her! It makes no sense for her to be jealous or to be so possessive of him. Another puzzling thing is that before he deleted his journal completely, I was blocked from posting on it. Obviously he has decided to choose between us, and has chosen her due to their history and a sense of loyalty he feels towards her because she was there for him at a difficult time in his life, something he said he would never do and if he had to choose between friends he would rather choose me than her. Well, that was obviously not the truth.

*sigh* I just hate drama and I wish we could just be friends again without her interfering.

 

[Brutus/HisCatalyst]

From what I can tell, you're doing everything right. The Guy in this case need to be a man. From a Guy's view, he still wants there to be something between him and the x. I have several female friends, and I never let an X tell which one to hang out with.

I'm sorry you are going through such a struggle. I'll continue to pray for you.

Also, If you need to vent to a pair of open ears, I'm always around, just chekc my profile on how to contact me.

Blessings

 

[JPPT1974]

No man should ever have to treat a woman like that because you and your friend are better off without a man like that. A man like that treats women like "non-princesses or queens". As he will move from one woman to the next. My father and mother have only dated and been together with each other for nearly forty years. After they laid eyes on each other, it was no one else. Even before they met up with each other, they only had minor dates with other people. But when they laid eyes on each other back in 1966, that was it. LivingForHim, sorry about what happened to you and hopefully things will work out for the best. Give your true feelings for God and also hopefully that you and your friend will just sit down and have a conversation. Just don't act confrontational nor point the finger at each other's direction. Because that could signal the end of a friendship for good. Just pray to Jesus in helping you and your friend to sit down and talk about how each of you two feel. And hopefully you both could and will mend fences. And bury the hatchet.