Friends?

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

Just a curious question, no debate please!

How important is it that your children have friends (outside the family)?

How important is it that your children have their own friends (ie, not shared friends with siblings, personal time just with their friends...)?

At what age do you think (roughly - I know it's different for every child) it becomes important and why?

WE get the 'socialization' question a lot as we are homeschooling, and I'm just looking for a variety of responses on this issue...

I may add more questions based on the responses as we go...

Thanks!

 

[mont974x4]

I think it helps kids learn to interact better. My 4 year old knows he can get his older brothers, and his cousins, to do things with him and for him. And they'll even let him set the rules of games instead of following the right rules. He needs to be around other kids his age to challenge him in a lot of ways.

It will help them interact, and cope with different personalities, out in the world.

Also, I don't think it's good for my 4 year old to be around 8 year olds, or pre-teens/teens all the time.


Not to say that my kids aren't very close, in fact our whole family is, but we need to address the needs of the individual ankle biter.

 

[CelticRose]

It doesn't bug me. My youngest doesn't have time for a lot of friendships outside the family. There are 7 of us & we homeschool too so I think I understand where you are coming from but honestly, our outside activities offer plenty of opportunities for social interaction outside the family & I prefer my kids get on well with each other than outsiders. Outsiders get to go home but I'm stuck with ours KWIM.

 

[Hadassah]

Granted my little one isn't really old enough to have friends yet, I think some people really over-emphasise the "Socialization" factor of life.

I was a military brat, and have had the gamut of public, private/church school, Department of Defense schooling and homeschooling in my 12 yrs of school.

I had maybe 3 friends in each grade if that many, and several aquaintances. While homeschooling overseas, the only friends we had were the missionary kids in our area, one each for our ages. (The missionaries had 4 kids, their youngest being 6 years younger than my sister at the time)

When we moved back to the US, we didn't have any friends there for about 2 years. We lived in Pascagoula, MS and no one would befriend us because we were military and likely to move within the year. (stinks huh?)

When we moved to TX the following year, we made a few friends but none that were close enough to really hang out with. We were involved however in the homeschool umbrella group and that helped some.

When we were in our last years of school, the only "friends" were at church if we had any. (I didn't have any) When I graduated and began attending a messianic synagogue, I made several friends, but more than not they were all much older than me (My parent's ages), and finally in the last 2 years I was there (prior to moving) there were several other people my age that I was able to become fast friends with.

As far as socializing and partying and stuff like that, none of us ever had that, and I never had a prom or graduation ceremony. I don't feel like I was left out at all... it just was that times were different and that G-d has a plan for each of us and we'll have people around us that we need/need us at different times in our lives.

 

[moonkitty]

I feel it is very important for my kids to have their own friends. I have always encouraged my children to have friends—ever since they started pre-k they have made their own friends. I just feel that humans are social animals and therefore need to socialize. I think it help prepares them for the real world when they have to go out and deal with people who are not their family members.

 

[Surrender2Win]

I also home school. I feel my kids having friends is important and I encourage them to make friends. For me, it has more to do with relationship building and learning how to have and be a friend to others.

My kids right now are 9, 6 and 2 in August. It's not too important at this point that they have their own friends that are not shared with siblings.

I'm not sure what age it would change. I guess it depends on the individual child and what they need at that time and who it is they want to "hang" with...

 

[heart of peace]

I like the way moonkitty expressed her opinion, my opinion on this is similar.

Just to add on my personal experiences, I am VERY social (although I am also quite private, there is a difference between the two). I enjoy group environments and everything that comes along with interacting in society. I want my child to be able to be comfortable in such situations since he spends quite a bit of time with me and hence will spend time in such situations. I don't have any expectation of his behavior (so long as he is not overtly rude) but I do want him to be comfortable in such settings. I think the age varies for each child (but definitely when we enter the stage of industry vs inferiority roughly 6 to 12 yrs of age) and the extent of what occurs in each social situation varies with the age as well.

Regarding friends outside of the family, that is important to me as well. My son is going to grow up and have to live in society. He is not going to always live around his siblings and his parents. Part of a parent's responsibility is to help our children to be able to function and be productive in our society and that includes the social aspect of it. It is something that I believe is a gradual process that starts when the child is still in his/her younger years and eventually ends with the child leaving the "nest."

 

[Leanna]

How important is it that your children have friends (outside the family)?

important

How important is it that your children have their own friends (ie, not shared friends with siblings, personal time just with their friends...)?

not important while young

At what age do you think (roughly - I know it's different for every child) it becomes important and why?

depends on what part and in what amount

The kids and I go to someones house that also is a mom and kids. They play. We supervise. My children are all under 4.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

ok, thanks everyone for your interesting responses...

I agree that we live in a social world where learning to interact is important...
I was thinking more on the building personal friendships, a relationship where the child is just a friend to another person - not as an extension of who they are in the family. If that makes sense...

My children are still young, and the 'friends' they have are children of my friends, family, and church kids...

 

[CelticRose]

For us (all my children are older) this developed along with a child's specific interests ie the soccer fiend has soccer friends, the music afficiado has musical friends, the fisherman has fishing buddies. This developed over time as the children matured. This separation seems to start occuring naturally with the onset of pubety; my 12 yr old is my youngest & is just starting to branch out from the family now ~ & she does very well socially having had lots of big brothers & sisters to practise with.

 

[TexasSky]

The ability to work and play well with others who do not necessarily think exactly like you do is a vital skill in surviving in the world.

Children who are too sheltered from any idea that is deemed "different" from their parents are often the ones who rebel the most when they get out of the home, or they become massively depressed and often suicidal when they get into a world that mocks them.

By allowing your child to develop friendships outside your family, even if those friends are part of a community that share your values, such as members of your church family, you give them a self-confidence boost that helps them later in life. It can reinforce your belief systems to help them understand that you do not have to be blood relatives to get along.

It gives them someone to turn to, and skills to find others to turn to, when the family is "out of reach" and if they live long enough, the family WILL become out of reach.

If these friends do not share your values, it gives you an opportunity to teach your child how to deal with the fact that the world at large will not agree with them.

Socialization is VITAL to child development.

In fact, it is so important that we have psychiatric and psychological labels for those who do NOT have the skills. Antisocial, sociopath on the extreme. Austically Aspargar on the milder end.

If your child cannot get along with others outside their family they probably cannot hold down a job.

 

[GolfingMom]

The ability to work and play well with others who do not necessarily think exactly like you do is a vital skill in surviving in the world.

Children who are too sheltered from any idea that is deemed "different" from their parents are often the ones who rebel the most when they get out of the home, or they become massively depressed and often suicidal when they get into a world that mocks them.

By allowing your child to develop friendships outside your family, even if those friends are part of a community that share your values, such as members of your church family, you give them a self-confidence boost that helps them later in life. It can reinforce your belief systems to help them understand that you do not have to be blood relatives to get along.

It gives them someone to turn to, and skills to find others to turn to, when the family is "out of reach" and if they live long enough, the family WILL become out of reach.

If these friends do not share your values, it gives you an opportunity to teach your child how to deal with the fact that the world at large will not agree with them.

Socialization is VITAL to child development.

In fact, it is so important that we have psychiatric and psychological labels for those who do NOT have the skills. Antisocial, sociopath on the extreme. Austically Aspargar on the milder end.

If your child cannot get along with others outside their family they probably cannot hold down a job.

I agree.

 

[Neenie1]

How important is it that your children have friends (outside the family)?

Important but not essential at this stage (my kids are 2 and 6) My son has his friends that he met through school, he sees these at school, but because he is still quite young, I am not about to let him go to their house unless I know the mum really really really well (I'm talking about if I didn't go with him lol, we meet up with friends that have kids of varying ages, and both kids play with the kids that are there)

I think that children need to learn to build relationships with family first and then those relationships extend out more as they get older, and more independent of mum and dad. These friendships can be made through church, and sporting activities etc. not just through school.

I am hoping that when my children start forming their own friendships I will be able to get to know the kids they are forming these friendships with, so I can keep up with what's going on. Not to be nosy, but to make sure they are doing activities that are safe.

How important is it that your children have their own friends (ie, not shared friends with siblings, personal time just with their friends...)?

At this stage it's not important. I must admit I really like the fact that my son's school friends will say hello to my daughter as well. They all know her name (probably because we are involved with various activities in the school and they have gotten to know her) Later on when they have their own best friend I think it's important that they are able to do their own thing if they can be trusted. I would also like them to at least be respectful of other members of our family.

At what age do you think (roughly - I know it's different for every child) it becomes important and why?

Probably upper primary school and through high school.

WE get the 'socialization' question a lot as we are homeschooling, and I'm just looking for a variety of responses on this issue...

I'm not homeschooling so can't help there. I do tend to struggle with the other side of the coin, my son does attend school and sometimes I think there is too much socialisation. (lol, I say that because there are some kids in my son's class that I find "a bit much")

 

[jgonz]

Personally, I think it depends on the personality of the child as to whether he/she is going to do well with other kids.... Most of my children were VERY shy when they were little (and my youngest ones (10, 8, 6) still are) so forcing them to be around other kids in the name of socialization is nearly traumatic.

I have found that if I follow my _kids'_ leads on this issue, then everyone is far happier. And that has happened at all different ages for different kids.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

For me the importance is determined by my children. I have one who has shown a need for interaction with those outside our family from about a year old and we've worked hard to accommodate that. I have another who is just now starting to desire friends. She is 4. My son is a balance of my other two children. He will seek out children if they are there but if not he's more than happy on his own. He is 3. We'll see if that changes in the next year.

My extroverted child is involved in a local camp program so she can be with her best friend on a consistent basis this summer.

 

[Robinsegg]

Our children have spent lots of time with other kids in church nursery and scheduled play times from a fairly young age. Part of the reason we did this was to give them an early sense of what it is to deal with other people.

We homeschool, but are part of a homeschool group, go to Sunday School, Children's Church, AWANA (Scripture memorization club), have scheduled playdates, etc. My children are very comfortable going into almost any group of kids, express themselves fairly well, and know how to handle situations that are not ideal (at nearly 8 and 5.5, sometimes that's still to get an adult involved, but also are learning how to negotiate and know how to share).

The socialization issue is one I've given thought to, as it's often brought up as the main "downside" to homeschooling. However, my children are learning how to deal with people who look, speak, or are otherwise different by watching me treat them with respect and courtesy. They go almost everywhere with me . . . and that's what I consider the more important aspect of socialization: being able to treat people with courtesy and respect in whatever situation you find yourself in, without being "walked all over".

Rachel

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

Thanks everyone, very interesting discussion. I agree that it needs to be dependant on the child, my DD is showing signs of being very shy, rather introverted, but still able to hold her own among others (like in sunday school without me, she has no problems at all with other kids - as in not getting walked all over of upset that I'm not there - but she's still rather introverted, playing next to and observing rather than playing 'with' other children.)

I also agree that it's got to be consistant with the family philosophies...

 

[mikki]

Hi Truth,

I was thinking more on the building personal friendships, a relationship where the child is just a friend to another person - not as an extension of who they are in the family. If that makes sense...

That makes a lot of sense! Our 7 yr old son is an only child, not of our choice, but of God's, and from he has taught me, building friendships is very important! However, he has been a social creature since he was a year old and people are drawn to him, unlike me who has always had to reach out to others due to my own innate shyness. Based on this, I think that it is difficult to give a blanket statement on this issue, but rather say that it depends on the individual child. Too many people innocently push their youngsters into "friendships" b/c they see others doing the same, and they do not want their child to be "left behind." I have found that children know themselves well and that parents should pay attention to their child's cues. Provide them with the opportunities to develop relationships with others, but don't push as they may not be ready or even intersted at that point. My boy has had friends outside the family since he was 4, but that has been by his own doing.

We moved to a new town this year and I prayed that God would lead us to a neighborhood where our son would have friends to play with, and didn't a bunch of children his age show up as the moving van arrived? God is soooo awesome!!