Friends or counseling?

[memoriesbymichelle]

Do you have friends that you hash things out with that you are contemplating in your life? Or when you have issues you don't know how to deal with?

Or do you go to a counselor?

I don't really have any friends that I feel like burdening with my problems or that can understand entirely. One of my friends has Cancer and I hardly think my troubles compare to hers.
Some of my other friends are at great places in their lives right now, very happy, one is getting married even though she said she would never get married again.

On the other hand, a counselor would be someone that I don't know and I am sure they would have their own opinions about how to "fix" things and I'm not convinced that would be helpful either.

Thoughts?

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Do you have friends that you hash things out with that you are contemplating in your life? Or when you have issues you don't know how to deal with?

Or do you go to a counselor?

I don't really have any friends that I feel like burdening with my problems or that can understand entirely. One of my friends has Cancer and I hardly think my troubles compare to hers.
Some of my other friends are at great places in their lives right now, very happy, one is getting married even though she said she would never get married again.

On the other hand, a counselor would be someone that I don't know and I am sure they would have their own opinions about how to "fix" things and I'm not convinced that would be helpful either.

Thoughts?

Generally speaking, I would seek professional Counselling from my Church Pastor or a Christian Psychologist or a dedicated Christian Source like Celebrate Recovery Organization for more major issues in my life ; examples of these might be : Uncontrollable addictions , persistent OCD, not able to be victorious over resentment issues/trust issues/abandonment issues and the like.

I would go to trusted Friends for help, advice, a listening ear, validation, and prayer for less important common and frequent issues . Also consider such venues as C.F. Examples might be : Working with a difficult associate , relationship troubles, feeling poorly, thinking of a change in ??? , being hurt over what somebody else did or said, etc....

I would go to Gods Word for the entire list of examples given above .

Its essential to have a couple of good trustworthy friends of both the same sex and opposite sex so you can retrieve a good balance of information . If such is lacking in Ones life, then it would be good to work on developing them .

 

[dayhiker]

Good question, Michelle,
I usually think/meditate/pray each day before I get out of bed about what I'm interested in/concern about.
I have gone to pastors/counselors and share what I was interested in but only a few times have they have added to my my understanding of the situation I was trying to deal with.
But I've read about peoples situations and ways they have deal with it for decades so I think I've seen what works and what doesn't. So I feel I learned a lot from people and when I've come to similar situations I often have already come to know possible way of handling it.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree dayhiker. And alot of times I struggle with the fact that look at Job's friends. They gave him terrible advice! So did his own wife! Curse God and die? really?

So the good friends that I trust with my information are in places right now, where I don't want to bring them down and make it about me, when they should be focused on the good in their lives at the moment.

Plus I have known some counselors personally, not on a visiting level and alot of times they are the most narcissitic people that feel they are above you and always know what to do because they have been "trained". Trained smained, I say!

I too, pray every morning and I talk to God. And I KNOW He is there and I know He hears me and I know I can trust Him, that He has a plan, that He can work all things for good to those that love Him and I know He will.

Sometimes I actually feel more at ease sharing here because we don't "know" each other IRL but I feel like I "know" you enough to share my heart because I know I won't be judged (well most of us won't judge anyway).

Also sometimes it's not a matter of "hey do you think I should do this or not?" My life is never that easy LOL. I just know ATM I currently am not as happy as I have been to keep on keepin' on, but what I exactly want to change (besides the obvious) IDK.

So to start, I signed up to go to a "meeting" at the "new" church I have been attending. It's called "Start here" where you get to meet with the Pastor and he answers questions about the church etc. I had SUCH a hard time just pushing the button to sign up! I guess I have a committment problem lately. But I need to see what they have to offer in ways of getting involved even if I can't do it all the time because of my 2 jobs, I need change and I know God is working on me for this, just He is not making clear the specifics IYKWIM.

 

[MorkandMindy]

I had a traumatic event a long time ago. Becoming and being a Christian made no difference, in ten years it made no difference and that is one of the reasons I gave up. Many years later I listen to Ajahn Brahm and it worked. So now I listen whenever I can.

 

[MorkandMindy]

Plus I have known some counselors personally, not on a visiting level and alot of times they are the most narcissitic people that feel they are above you and always know what to do because they have been "trained". Trained smained, I say!

I had the same obstacle when I was having a very hard time. My sister who lives in NM insisted that I should see my doctor since it was free and get a reference for psychotherapy since that would also be free.

My objection was that what I didn't like was being patronised by all these people in life who are 'better' than me.

Owing to a mistake over timing, the primary care physicians (General Practitioners) got a huge pay increase one year before the increases in responsibilities had been agreed, and since the pay increases can't be taken away, are now on seven times the national average income, for working just four days a week with generous holidays.

So I'm going to go to such a person, in tears perhaps, explaining that I don't have enough money to pay the child support my wife by law is demanding, and to also pay the rent. I am going to explain that somehow despite two degrees neither one is worth anything owing to changes in the job market, while a medical degree is still worth a bundle. That I'm just a stupid grunt who gets paid 2.5% more for working alternating days and nights, but I'd be in very hot water if I didn't, and that I am also too stupid to solve my own problems and need his help.

 

[MorkandMindy]

(Why do people keep on coming to me with problems the doctors must wonder, when life is good? 12 weeks holiday a year and not enough time to spend my pay, how can these common people have money problems? Needing to work nights? Nobody needs to do that. Doctors don't these days, we have two nocturnal G.P.s who cover nights, and for good pay too)


So I listen to Ajahn Brahm (born Peter Betts in 1951 - a working class Londoner). He is better than any therapist I've ever heard of, charges nothing and has no money and possessions totalling perhaps 200 dollars (glasses, simple robes, a bowl, a bag, a stocking hat and a pair of socks).

 

[blackribbon]

A good trained counselor should not be giving you advice but should be helping you find your own answers. They are not supposed to judge or pass on their opinions. They do exist because I had one I went to a few times...I didn't like the psychiatrist but I did like the nurse practitioner in her office. Sometimes I got frustrated because I wanted advise....but the truth is that often the largest help was helping me look at the problem differently and showing me that I really did have power over the situation.

One particular example was when I needed to make a trip "back home" and I was dreading seeing my in-laws because they always ran all over me and screwed up my schedule. The counselor helped me see that I was allowed to say that "we would be available on Thursday and if they wanted to keep the kids for an extra day, but I had other plans on Friday" and that it was okay to stick to my schedule even if my inlaws tried to change it for stupid reasons. (I also had the power to change if I wanted to but not because I owed it to anyone else).

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

One lady I know is a counselor. She was in my bible study that I left. She was always spouting off about this technique or that technique that "they" learned to deal with situations. In some ways I liked her because when we would disagree about something in the bible she would really do her research before making her opinion. But she also considered her opinion once she made it to be the right one and that was always a turn off to me. Also when people were having issues, she always thought she knew what was best. She is what helped me determine MY feelings about counselors. I know it doesn't mean they are all this way, but it does make me leary.

 

[miss-a]

My friends are kind but too biased in their own opinions and how they think my life should be. I know they are coming from a caring place, but in the really deep issues where I know their biases could be a problem, I call a pastor or pastors. the pastoral staff at K-love give unbelievably great biblical counsel, I've called them a number of times with some really huge issues and they were non-judgmental, loving servants of God who just wanted to help.

So, I find those who know me best aren't necessarily the best people to go to because they have ideas of what they'd like to see for me, and are not necessarily thinking about what God would like to see for me. I do however chat with them about the less important things.

 

[blackribbon]

Michelle,

She might be a nice lady but I bet she isn't a very good counselor. The best ones almost never express their opinions on anything in real life...almost to the point of being annoying.

I am sure you have been to a bad dentist or doctor at some point in your life..you just fired that one but didn't quit all doctors or all dentists. The same goes for counselors...and the truth is that it might take a little time to find one that is a good fit even if a number of them are still good counselors.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

well she was nice on the outside, but very judgemental. That's a big reason why I left the bible study. Every time I would say "it says in the bible ..." she would question me "oh really where?" so I had better have the scripture and verse. She would claim to not have read that before, and then she would come back later and give me all the history about why it said whatever and in doing so, disprove that I was taking it literal. I'm not sure how she was as a counselor but I imagine she was just as opinionated.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

So another side of the coin (for me) is that I have NEVER in my life felt like anyone has "got" me. And I mean got as in understand. I have always felt misunderstood and I'm not quite sure where that comes from. My mom "got me" mostly, but she also mostly listened when I would tell her things and not try to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. My dad and I were close when I was very young, but when I got older he and my mom divorced and that was pretty much the end of our relationship. Now we have a semi-surface relationship because of my step mom. It's sad but true. I also never felt like my husband totally "got me" because I don't think he cared about me as much as he cared about his feelings. Like for example, when we got married we couldn't afford rings or a ceremony. So on our 5th wedding anniversary he bought me a ring with a very tiny diamond in it. I mean we could barely afford that even at the time. So later on I would tell him I wanted a bigger diamond for my ring and he just thought that was ludicrous because all it would do is sit on my finger, yet he needed to have several guitars even though he can only play one at a time.

 

[blackribbon]

Aww...Michelle, that had to be tough. It is obvious that you are a wonderful person with a super big heart ... and it is clear that you try very hard to make life better for those around you. Here's hoping that God sends you a good friend who does "get" you at some point...be it female or male. It is hard when the people we love and love us "don't get us" because it makes it hard to feel loved even when they do love us. It sounds like you had a very practical husband who just didn't understand that sometimes you needed to be loved by doing something very unpractical but special.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Aww...Michelle, that had to be tough. It is obvious that you are a wonderful person with a super big heart ... and it is clear that you try very hard to make life better for those around you. Here's hoping that God sends you a good friend who does "get" you at some point...be it female or male. It is hard when the people we love and love us "don't get us" because it makes it hard to feel loved even when they do love us. It sounds like you had a very practical husband who just didn't understand that sometimes you needed to be loved by doing something very unpractical but special.

IDK about practical LOL he was just very narcissistic and music and music equipment or whatever sport he was into was his priority. But I didn't know any better and I did and do love him. He changed at the end. Funny when he was telling me his dying wishes of things he wanted me to do for people he loved, he told me he wanted me to buy the diamond I wanted. Of course I never did. He was very neglected as a child and had to grow up quick and hard so I "got" him and there were many times he was super sweet and would do things like go buy me an outfit for my birthday, so even though his stuff costs much much more, we were happy and I took what I could get. And there were many times when I had trouble at work and he knew how to make me feel better. He wasn't all bad, he just didn't get me until the end. At the end of his life he told me he didn't realize how much he loved me. I took that as a compliment and kind of a vindication of all I put into our marriage.

 

[blackribbon]

I had a few areas in our life that were like that. I have also realized over time that maybe my husband understood me better than I gave him credit for in other areas. In someways, he might have understood me more than I did (not always a happy revelation).

 

[dayhiker]

So nice to read you ladies say such nice things about your husband.

 

[miss-a]

Another place I've found I get really good counsel, besides from you all here on the forum, is the Ask a Chaplain subforum here on CF. Some very wise chaplains.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

So nice to read you ladies say such nice things about your husband.

Awe. Yes blackribbon, I think my husband also did understand me better in some ways and I am grateful that he stayed with me all his years. We both had baggage and unfortunately his passing has only increased my baggage, but it is what it is.

Another place I've found I get really good counsel, besides from you all here on the forum, is the Ask a Chaplain subforum here on CF. Some very wise chaplains.

Good thought! I forget about that sometimes.

 

[sedonarose]

I saw a counselor for three months following my husband's death. I don't know if he was just a bad apple or if it was just my emotions getting in the way, but I did not have a good experience with it. It was the first time and last time I ever saw a counselor. It seemed so rushed and impersonal. I have a handful of good friends and I use them to lean on when I'm having an off-day and just need someone to talk to or laugh with. I've gotten over feeling like a burden to them b/c I know they are true friends and true friends never feel that you're a burden. It's a symbiotic relationship though ~ I am there for them when they need me too. I know I am blessed to have these friendships and I thank the Lord every day for them.