Friends first?

[Salt84]

Hello!

I'm just looking to hear from some of you who are dating or have dated someone that you were good friends with before you were together. How did it affect or help your relationship? What was the transition like for you?

I'm currently dating a good friend of mine. I've been in one serious relationship before now and we had been total strangers before we started dating. The differences between that relationship and this one are huge! We haven't been together very long, but because of our friendship first, it feels like longer. Have any of you had accelerated feelings because of being friends? I'm very happy with him, and I feel such a great peace about our relationship. But I could see myself falling for him pretty quickly simpley because I already know him fairly well.

I'd love to hear your stories!

 

[Silver Speak]

Well, uh, I have no personal experience, really, but some views to share.

First of all, I think every relationship should be based on friendship. Often, when you start dating someone that person becomes your best friend

It´s great that you´ve been friends even before dating each other -it makes things less awkward in the beginning since you already know each other. There´s a blessing in it, heh.

Then again, I have seen some old friends start dating somewhat out of curiousity and because it´s so easy.. and it has turned out the relationship was better without the romance in it.. and it´s not that simple going back to the way things were. But I´m sure this isn´t the case with you, guys

Looks like you´re really happy, that´s great!!!
God bless you both

 

[mathias1979]

I think it's great to be friends before you are romantically involved. Me and my fiance were somewhat like that...although I did have a crush on her since I knew her...but since she was dating someone else at the time we became good friends first. And I when things happen that way you know that you are compatable with the person. If the romance comes first, your decision on whether or not you are compatable can be clouded by infatuation and physical attraction.

-Matt

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I think this is the way it should go. Friendship always turned out to be a prerequisite.
Even girls I liked I would become friends with them and may have been content to leave it at that rather than try to date them. Confusing every now and then. But by not trying to "get" them I can look back and call them friends rather than "someone I used to date." Or sometimes "someone I tried to date."

I don't get how you can date someone you don't know. I think a lot of people do that and continue to never get to know each other. "We're not friends, we're dating." Soemone could be really cool and you could "click" with conversation and interests, but that doesn't mean anything. become friends first.

Man. I feel rambly today.

 

[horuhe00]

Well, I was friends for like 2 years with the girl I was going out with this winter(it was both our first serious experience with dating)... Halfway through December, it fell apart. (One of the reasons she gave was that I took too long to kiss her... so much for "I kissed dating goodbye") Making a long story short, we decided to not talk to each other at least for a while so that we could return ourr lives to normal. (Over a month and counting...)

Conclusion: It appears I have lost a very good friend just because we fell for each other and it didn't work. :'(

 

[Pope Gonzo]

My girlfriend and I, even though we really wanted to start dating when we first met about a year ago, we waited until November to start dating. To put it simply, she's my best friend in the world and it has given our relationship an incredible side that neither of us have experienced before.

 

[heavenliejediofthebeach]

oh in 9th grade i went out with my best guy pal but that didnt last...go figure..it was highchool, wut do u expect!

 

[LadyBird]

I think that people SHOULD be friends before they start dating. It's SOOOOO important...if your S.O. isn't your best friend, they aren't your S.O. either. And I think it's important to get to know someone well before you start dating, when you are still friends instead of date then get to know each other. That's dumb because you don't really know if you'll like that person or not when you really get to know what they are like.

Meand my boyfriend were friends for 10 months before we started dating, and we have been together for 3 1/2 years now. Being friends first is not a mistake. It's the wise thing to do. People are always scared of ruining the friendship...but if things don't work out, you still CAN be friends...many of my friends have gone through breakups in which they stayed friends with their ex afterwards.

In fact I find that people(my friends and acquantences) are more likely to stay friends with someone that they were friends with for a while before they started dating than someone whom they just met and started dating a month afterwards and then broke up.

 

[seekingsomething]

My now SO and i were friends for four years before anything happened between us romantically. I liked him to start with but he was involved with another person, then our paths changed but then they changed again and now things are going really great, as a couple!! I would say though that dont just assume that because you were friends with the person before hand that they will be exactly the same because i know in my situation we arent and i think it is incredibly important to keep remeberin to be romantic and show affection so as not to take it for granted or leave it, without knowing, in a friends relationship. Its easy to take the ground work from friends and not build on it because you ASSUME things are already sorted. Good luck to everyone though Love in Christ x x x

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

Despite the fact that I've always preached people should be friends first, my last relationship was not so. I hardly knew him before hand other than through people and a couple brief conversations spread out over a couple years. The first thing we did together turned into the next and the next and our getting to know one another became dating quite rapidly and became a relationship even more quickly. In a sense, I feel I didn't really have a choice in the matter because I never felt he offered me the option of being his friend because he presented it as either dating or me using him as we had not been friends first before doing certain things together that he would either only do with those he was already close friends with or with someone he was dating. (I don't mean bad things, btw) Just specific activities. Anyways he was so extremely interested in me from the beginning and was not passive about wanting to move forward with our relationship and spend more time with me..and I guess I was sick of being alone that it just couldnt help but evolve the way it did. Though I at times really regret that. Because I believe our relationship would have been way better if we'd been friends before we were ever interested in eachother and we possibly wouldn't have broken up at all, or atleast stayed together longer than we did. Regardless, I've learned what I don't want to do again and I know how I want to do things differently. Though it was fun at the time and I atleast have the memories, the next time is going to be the one God has for me and I'll do things God's way not my way or the guy's way. Until then I pray God will continue to close the doors I am not meant to enter through and give me the strength to resist temptation to date.

I will chase God, not men. And if I find someone else chasing God alongside me,

 

[Lbiagm]

you should just be friends first.

 

[caitlincares]

For a lasting and meaningful relationship it must start as friendship.
My fiance and I were friends first. We truly like each other and have much in common.

His mother comments on the difference between our relationship and his brother's.
His brother got married because he got someone pregnant.
They raised two children but now are divorced.
My future mother-in-law says "they never liked each other".
They had skipped the friendship stage. How sad.

 

[micaela]

Thought I'd add a new spin to this column and ask for your opinion.
My SO and I were not friends before we started dating. We met at church after I introduced myself thinking he was new (never seen him in the year we'd both attended the church!). Two weeks later, he asked me out for coffee and stated his interest in me and in getting to know me better. Strangely, I felt interested in him too, even though we'd barely spoken. We both made it clear at the first 'date' that God is to come first before our feelings, our plans and even before each other.

We agreed it was important to determine if each of us was a 'wise' choice for a future husband/wife before allowing our feelings to develop, and having done that, we've spent the past 3 months having fun. A lot of deep (occasionally stressful)discussions along the way, but we're firm friends, and I really respect him for his honesty and committment to God's way rather than ours. We struggle with the same stuff that most Christian couples do, e.g. how to be self-disciplined in the physical area and learning to look out for one another rather than just ourselves (since this is our first serious relationship and we are 25/30).

The question stems from my views before I started dating him. I guess I believe(d?) that if I met someone who I loved, who loved and intended to love God forever, AND loved me, then I would marry him without too much drama. Now I wonder, is this enough? Should I expect to be bowled over by meeting my 'soul mate'? Or, if I am happy, and can see myself being happy forever with this wonderful man, and our ideas about the future fit as far as possible, is that it? We have the idea that we'll date for a year, and then get engaged if we're in love etc.
Your opinions and advice would be appreciated!
Thanks.

 

[plum]

i talked to my mom about this and she mentioned that she and my dad knew each other pretty well and were pals before they dated, but they became best friends and companions after they got married. She says that the friendship never stopped growing and neither did the romantic love. Basically, she thinks a deep friendship can happen later on in a relationship also.

 

[tesnusxenos]

micaela,

Now I wonder, is this enough? Should I expect to be bowled over by meeting my 'soul mate'? Or, if I am happy, and can see myself being happy forever with this wonderful man, and our ideas about the future fit as far as possible, is that it?

In my opinion it has to be someone that you do not want to live without not just someone that will fit the job. If you feel there is no way that you will be happy without him then He is the one otherwise wait.

 

[Peter_in_Christ]

micaela, I guess I did the same thing as your SO, by being honest and making my interest know before being friends first. That's how I saw God leading me into doing.

My reason for me in doing this:
- to avoid feelings clouding over objectivity in doing Gods will,
- not to play emotional games, which can be hurtful when seperating,
- honesty and no hidden agenda when trying to be friends.

It's good to keep everything in prayer always allowing God to be involved in your decision making because He knows us better than ourselves. Having common friends does help with accountability.

Interesting topic, kind of shows that God is limitless, that He can provide you a spouse through many ways and there is not just the one fool proof 'method' that we all can think of and agree altogether. Let's all continue to focus and trust in Him through faith.

Take care and God bless
Love in Christ

Peter

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."