Is it wrong for a girlfriend to ask her boyfriend of 2 years to not be friends with a female that he recently met (about 4 months) that has openly expressed she has feelings for him, and hangs around him a lot. I am not sure if it being selfish on my part or jealousy. I want him to have his friends but I am uncomfortable with her, especially when we have an argument and he runs to her. If she did not have feelings for him it would not bother me but I am not sure that I can trust her and this has put a strain on our relationship. We were talking about marriage but I am not so sure now, especially since he spends a lot of time with her although he denies having feelings for her, but he does consider her to be one of his good friends. Is it wrong for me to ask him to not spend so much time with her?? How should I approach the situation?
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- Thread starter GodsGirl37
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To be honest, i can only say what i would respect of my girlfriend to say to me if this were a situation of ours. The most respectable thing would be to just talk to him, be calm about it, and explain to him your feelings and how you feel this is causing strains, be sure to remind him you dont need (you may want, by not need) 100% of his time, so he is free to have friends and those are his decisions on whom they are. But above all pray about this, ask God for guidance on how to approach the situation as well. I hope this helped.
Ilovejesus86
Ilovejesus86
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I am learning that no one reaches their "promised land" without running into problems. Perhaps this is a test of your faithfulness to one another, and how well you can handle jealousy. Perhaps if you successfully complete this level, you'll be able to go onto round two.GodsGirl37 said:
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DaveKerwin
Represent the Most High
I think it is fair to ask him not to be close friends with her. He should know better, and not have been close friends with her in the first place. I forsake friendships with women because I am now engaged. I am friends with girls, but not one one one friends, not intimate friends like I am with my fiancee and with my male friends. He should know better. It is fine for your to request that he step down the relationship a bit with that woman he is friends with.
The way to approach it is to be completely honest, just bring it up.
The way to approach it is to be completely honest, just bring it up.
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SirKenin
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You know what I was taught?
I was taught the only actions you could control are your own; and
Every wo/man has the right to exercise free will.
Quite simply, you don't have the right to ask him to stop doing it, although you have every right to tell him that it hurts you. You do however have the right to do something about it. That could include walking away from the relationship, depending upon how you felt.
Hope this helps. It sure worked for me.
I was taught the only actions you could control are your own; and
Every wo/man has the right to exercise free will.
Quite simply, you don't have the right to ask him to stop doing it, although you have every right to tell him that it hurts you. You do however have the right to do something about it. That could include walking away from the relationship, depending upon how you felt.
Hope this helps. It sure worked for me.
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Lizzi4Christ
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You should tell him how uncomfortable it makes you, but not tell him not to be friends with her. He should respect your feelings and perhaps he will brake slowly on his friendship with her. But. How much does it show your trust in him? I think that's an issue that really needs to be addressed too.
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dr feelgood's advice is best
however, I think its okay to ask him not to...but it would be wrong to try to make him not talk to her.
In the end even if you asked and he decided to go along with your wishes, I think you would still have to trust him not to.
I think you see this woman as a threat. The bottom line is that you are both single and should get to know others. I don't think him talking to her is a sin. I think it makes you feel threatened that you could be displaced by her and so you are trying to get rid of her. I think that free will comes into play here. Why do you feel committed to this boy?
Where is your free will? ARE you not allowed to talk to other boys? and have friendships with them?
I think it is wise to listen to drfeelgood's approach. his is the most christian and balanced. it respects yoru boundaries and this boy's boundaries. and is done without crossing over or trespassing on each other's boundaries.
however, I think its okay to ask him not to...but it would be wrong to try to make him not talk to her.
In the end even if you asked and he decided to go along with your wishes, I think you would still have to trust him not to.
I think you see this woman as a threat. The bottom line is that you are both single and should get to know others. I don't think him talking to her is a sin. I think it makes you feel threatened that you could be displaced by her and so you are trying to get rid of her. I think that free will comes into play here. Why do you feel committed to this boy?
Where is your free will? ARE you not allowed to talk to other boys? and have friendships with them?
I think it is wise to listen to drfeelgood's approach. his is the most christian and balanced. it respects yoru boundaries and this boy's boundaries. and is done without crossing over or trespassing on each other's boundaries.
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I just reread your post. You've been with this boy for two years in a committed relationship. Perhaps, she is trying to break you two up and perhaps she is not. He has to make the decision on who he wants to be with ie marry.
There are some women who attempt to steal boyfriends and then when they succeed they don't want him anymore. But if he does not have a sexual attraction to her then I don't see anything happening there--that girl can try as hard as she likes and he just won't go for it if he's not attracted. you know the saying: you can a lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. in other words, she could tempt him and he still might not take the bait. ie she might spell it out for him and he still might not go for it because he is not attracted to her like that. i am sure you have some guy friends whom there is no way you would want to have sex with them. maybe there are even some good looking ones and you still don't feel it for them.
There are times though that there could be someone who is trying ruin your relationship, to break it up. This can also come in the form of friends and family and not just attractive single available females. Its a doozy if you get hit on all three sides.
I think on the wedding day the couple is told that what god has joined let no man put asunder. This means that friends family and temptations of other men/women should be rooted out if they threaten the health stability happiness and success of the marriage. This means that it is up to the two parties in the relationship to be accountable to one another and not allow others to sabotage or to interfere in the relationship between you.
There are some women who attempt to steal boyfriends and then when they succeed they don't want him anymore. But if he does not have a sexual attraction to her then I don't see anything happening there--that girl can try as hard as she likes and he just won't go for it if he's not attracted. you know the saying: you can a lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. in other words, she could tempt him and he still might not take the bait. ie she might spell it out for him and he still might not go for it because he is not attracted to her like that. i am sure you have some guy friends whom there is no way you would want to have sex with them. maybe there are even some good looking ones and you still don't feel it for them.
There are times though that there could be someone who is trying ruin your relationship, to break it up. This can also come in the form of friends and family and not just attractive single available females. Its a doozy if you get hit on all three sides.
I think on the wedding day the couple is told that what god has joined let no man put asunder. This means that friends family and temptations of other men/women should be rooted out if they threaten the health stability happiness and success of the marriage. This means that it is up to the two parties in the relationship to be accountable to one another and not allow others to sabotage or to interfere in the relationship between you.
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I'm not currently in a relationship, but have been in 3, and have been in love with all three (1st Liz, with whom i update on my life yearly, 2nd Amanda, with whom i still deeply care for, and 3rd Steph, who is currently my closest friend). The thing about love is that if you love someone for who they are, then you'll always love them. Most people nowadays love someone for who they can be for them (ex. a man loves a girl because that girl is a very potential canidate for being his life long wife). But then when that girl is no longer the life-long wife he thought she would be, then he wants a divorce (he didnt love her for who she was, only for what he thought she could be for him). I feel this is a big reason for why there are so many divorces these days.
Me, i loved my gf's for who they were, and they are still the same people. Therefore, i will always love them, but am no longer 'in love' with them. I want what is best for them, and i know that i am not. I know that none of them are my soul-mates and vice versa, so it makes no sense for me to try to pursue such a relationship any more. Being that i'm not their soul mate, i'm not good enough for them, and vice versa.
If i was in your beau's situation, i would want you to share with me your concerns and worries. After all, if we wanted to have a healthy marriage, open communication between us would have to be a must. But i would not give up loving those girls of my past. It would be important for my to-be wife to not only trust me, but understand that this is a part of who i am. If she can't accept that part of me, then she doesnt accept me as a whole.
This is of course one single view, and i do believe i'm not a common person so my view may not apply. I still hope it helps tho!
Me, i loved my gf's for who they were, and they are still the same people. Therefore, i will always love them, but am no longer 'in love' with them. I want what is best for them, and i know that i am not. I know that none of them are my soul-mates and vice versa, so it makes no sense for me to try to pursue such a relationship any more. Being that i'm not their soul mate, i'm not good enough for them, and vice versa.
If i was in your beau's situation, i would want you to share with me your concerns and worries. After all, if we wanted to have a healthy marriage, open communication between us would have to be a must. But i would not give up loving those girls of my past. It would be important for my to-be wife to not only trust me, but understand that this is a part of who i am. If she can't accept that part of me, then she doesnt accept me as a whole.
This is of course one single view, and i do believe i'm not a common person so my view may not apply. I still hope it helps tho!
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E-beth
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I agree with Lizzi. Tell him how you feel, but don't ask him not to be friends with her.
Men and women can be platonic friends. If your b/f cares about you and knows how you feel, he will not do anything to make you suspicious or jealous once he knows it bugs you. But if you tell him who he can/cannot be friends with, he might resent it and you or feel stifled.
Once a male friend of mine got engaged to a girl who emailed me and told me not to talk to her fiance anymore. He and I had gone through divorce care together and had been a support system through many bad times. This woman did not know me. All she knew was that he sometimes called me and emailled me. If she had asked, I would have gladly told her I am happily married and ten years older than her fiance.
My friend has since emailed me twice and called me once but I don't answer either way out of respect for his now wife. But in his messages he tells me that he misses talking to me and wishes we could share the good things in each others lives.
Men and women can be platonic friends. If your b/f cares about you and knows how you feel, he will not do anything to make you suspicious or jealous once he knows it bugs you. But if you tell him who he can/cannot be friends with, he might resent it and you or feel stifled.
Once a male friend of mine got engaged to a girl who emailed me and told me not to talk to her fiance anymore. He and I had gone through divorce care together and had been a support system through many bad times. This woman did not know me. All she knew was that he sometimes called me and emailled me. If she had asked, I would have gladly told her I am happily married and ten years older than her fiance.
My friend has since emailed me twice and called me once but I don't answer either way out of respect for his now wife. But in his messages he tells me that he misses talking to me and wishes we could share the good things in each others lives.
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William Nunn
Babies enjoy living too!
drfeelgood said:
Actually, that post kind of ran back over itself. If she has free will, she has every right to ask him to stop seeing the other woman. She's not stopping him and therefore not inhibiting his free will, she's merely asking.
I agree that you can't make him stop seeing this girl. If someone is making romantic advances on him, he should know better than to be spending a lot of time with them. That's the way relationships work. If she were just an innocent friend, then it would be fine - but clearly that's not the case.
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William Nunn
Babies enjoy living too!
Well, you said she "doesn't have the right to ask" when she does. Actually, if free will is in question, she actually has the right to bludgeon him over the head if she so chooses!) But of course, he has the free will to defend himself!
) But of course, he has the free will to defend himself!
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Thank you all for your advice! Just to get you updated I did approach him and asked him to not spend so much time with her (especially one-on-one) because it made me uncomfortable. Well in asking him this, I was hit with a shocker. Later he confessed that one time(about 2 months ago) when we argued and took some time apart from one another to rethink our relationship, he ran to her and "cheated" on me, because he was angry. He says it was a big mistake and would never do it again. He didn't tell me earlier because we were broken up. He did say that he wants to continue being friends with her because despite what happened with them, he cares for her as a friend. Well so now I have to deal with this new revelation and have some serious thinking and praying to do. I am more confused now and not sure I can trust him.
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William Nunn
Babies enjoy living too!
Whoa, one thing I know for sure - you shouldn't let him hang out with this girl at all now, and he should be willing to accept that.
I mean, cheating is hard enough on the person who got cheated on, but to know your significant other is still carrying on a relationship with the other person? That's crazy. You need to put your foot down about that, that's unnacceptable. You are probably going to get some advice about being flexible, being nice, blah, blah, blah, but there are serious issues of trust that are at stake here that could ruin any chance of a lasting relationship. He shouldn't be asking you to let him hang on to this friendship.
I mean, cheating is hard enough on the person who got cheated on, but to know your significant other is still carrying on a relationship with the other person? That's crazy. You need to put your foot down about that, that's unnacceptable. You are probably going to get some advice about being flexible, being nice, blah, blah, blah, but there are serious issues of trust that are at stake here that could ruin any chance of a lasting relationship. He shouldn't be asking you to let him hang on to this friendship.
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SirKenin
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He didn't cheat on her. Plain and simple. They were broken up. What happens between him and another woman is not justly her concern, unfortunately.
I don't think she should be asking him anything. She should be telling him her feelings and leaving it at that. He will then have to make a decision what he's going to do based on her submissions.
If she doesn't like his decision, she can't demand that he not see her. She can only either carry on in the relationship the way that it is, and live with it, or she can leave him. Those are her two options.
I don't think she should be asking him anything. She should be telling him her feelings and leaving it at that. He will then have to make a decision what he's going to do based on her submissions.
If she doesn't like his decision, she can't demand that he not see her. She can only either carry on in the relationship the way that it is, and live with it, or she can leave him. Those are her two options.
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were you two broken up when he ran to her?
what does he mean by cheated? ie talked/confided in her, took her out on a date, kissed her, made out, had sex? which one?
what is your definition of cheating and what is his definition of cheating?
what does he mean by cheated? ie talked/confided in her, took her out on a date, kissed her, made out, had sex? which one?
what is your definition of cheating and what is his definition of cheating?
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DaveKerwin
Represent the Most High
This is why men and women cannot just be friends. You were right to ask him not to be one on one friends with her.GodsGirl37 said:
Will he back off the relationship or not? Is he repentant over it or real casual about the issue?
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i actually believe men and women can be just friends. Specifically, when there is no sexual chemistry between them.
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