Friends and lovers

[looksgood]

I seem to be having a hard time with this consept. My GF is wanting us to stop talking onlu about how much we love each other, and start calming down. She wants to be friends, as well as more.

I need advice and coments on this. She wants friends and more, is it possable to be both? How can I be a friend AND love to her? It is an LDR to throw some extra spice in the batch. I need advice on how to be a friend and not just love to her. Please help me out.

 

[Cordy]

Hmm…. Sounds like a good idea. I have heard (and now discovered for myself) that the best thing about marriage is friendship, and the best way to have a successful marriage is to marry your best friend.

The lovey stuff of relationships is fun and exciting! It is a truly wonderful aspect of developing a relationship. But it is also temporal. It may last a few weeks months or years, but eventually it will fade away. Then what? If you guys build a foundation of close friendship, you can keep the relationship intact. The emotions we call “love” come and go, but a deep down strong relationship is rooted in friendship. And it is this deep friendship that will get you through the dry spells of a relationship until the next “love” wave comes along.

I would take advantage of your girlfriend’s suggestion, and really develop a friendship with her. Think of neat “hang-out” friend type activities you can do together, and show your interest to her as a friend as well as someone you love.

 

[charligirl]

I had having a hard time understanding why you are having a hard time with this LOL...probably because I am a girl and it makes sense to me

Look at any strong marriage and the couple will tell you that they are best friends, they are also lovers. Perhaps I can explain this way...

There are 3 words for love in the bible, Eros - physical/sexual love, Philio - friendship/brotherly love and Agape - the 'come what may' God kind of love, the 'I will love you in spite of' love. You really need all three for marriage, you desire your spouse with the Eros love, you love them with philio love as a person to chat to to work things through with to stand side-by-side with through life and you lovethem with agape as a decision because they are your spouse... even when you don;t 'feel' much like it.

Perhaps she is feeling that there is much desire and not so much chatting, hanging out and talking through stuff?

Does that make any sense?

 

[goat37]

Just talk to her about other things than how much you love her... Woman like to know they're loved, but they feel smothered if that's ALL that you talk to them about 24/7. Clingy-ness is bad.

I know right at the very beginning that's all you can really think about... but real love doesn't need constant reassurance every second of every day.

Talk about things you guys have in common... music, movies, hobbies etc... Go do things together, mountain biking, bowling, anything... just enjoy each others company and save the 'I love you' discussions for more private, romantic moments where it will actually mean something when you tell it to her.

Edit: Realized you are talking about an LDR...

In an LDR, communication is key... but GOOD communication. Meaning you guys talk about all aspects of things.. you can talk about your night out with the guys and what you did, you can talk about your faith and church, you can talk about fun things that you'd like to do, just have really random discussions like me and Candice do (we've had long chats about things like toothpaste and plumbing of all topics )
And also listen to her... instead of when she says something, you jumping in with an 'I love you', just ask her to go into more detail.. and just geniunely listen to what she is saying.

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Puppy love is like a fire lit with lighter fluid. It can burn high and bright and feel hot right away, but it dies out quickly. True love, that is, love based in God and friendship, burns like coals. It takes a little for it to get going, and you have to tend it carefully, but in the end, it burns strong and hot and will stay for a good while. If you've got just lighter fluid, it'll be fun but you'll just have scars in the end. If you've got just coals, there's a chance you could get something started, but it doesn't always happen. If you've got a good heap of coals and a healthy amount of lighter fluid, you've got a quality combination

 

[Leanna]

It sounds like she wants you to talk about SUBJECT matter rather than just feelings. She is probably getting bored with the conversation. So talk to her about news issues, sports, what you think about the death penalty, your views on how a perfect marriage would look, etc. until you figure out what she is interested in. How else to get to know if she is the girl to marry?

 

[tinkerbell]

Talk about things you guys have in common... music, movies, hobbies etc... Go do things together, mountain biking, bowling, anything... just enjoy each others company and save the 'I love you' discussions for more private, romantic moments where it will actually mean something when you tell it to her.

Edit: Realized you are talking about an LDR...

In an LDR, communication is key... but GOOD communication. Meaning you guys talk about all aspects of things.. you can talk about your night out with the guys and what you did, you can talk about your faith and church, you can talk about fun things that you'd like to do, just have really random discussions like me and Candice do (we've had long chats about things like toothpaste and plumbing of all topics )
And also listen to her... instead of when she says something, you jumping in with an 'I love you', just ask her to go into more detail.. and just geniunely listen to what she is saying.

This is very good advice!! Hang out with groups of people, do things that aren't so intimate. I guess like most of the girls here have already said, this isn't that forigen of an idea to me. To be friends first, to be able to hang out and have fun in all sorts of different environments not only gives you the chance to truely get to know each other better, but it gives your relationship a much stronger foundation.

 

[fadedblue]

just wondering, were you guys friends before you started going out? i imagine you must have been...although i mean, everyone's situation is different. anyway, what did you two do before you because a couple? that's a good place to start. being lovers can get very emotional and if you're just absorbed in each other in that kind of mindset all the time, i can see why she'd want you two to kind of calm down about it. a relationship should have a good balance of all different kinds of things...loving God, loving each other, and simply being a good friend. extending a listening ear, being able to laugh and talk about anything can really be therapeutic. it's nice that my boyfriend loves me and i love him, but it's also nice that we can discuss about anything under the sun, and be total goofballs while we're at it.

 

[looksgood]

just wondering, were you guys friends before you started going out? i imagine you must have been...although i mean, everyone's situation is different. anyway, what did you two do before you because a couple? that's a good place to start. being lovers can get very emotional and if you're just absorbed in each other in that kind of mindset all the time, i can see why she'd want you two to kind of calm down about it. a relationship should have a good balance of all different kinds of things...loving God, loving each other, and simply being a good friend. extending a listening ear, being able to laugh and talk about anything can really be therapeutic. it's nice that my boyfriend loves me and i love him, but it's also nice that we can discuss about anything under the sun, and be total goofballs while we're at it.

Yeah we were friends first. Didnt plan on being more but God just kinda let both us know it was ok. And I admit we are going through a HARD time right now. But I seen what she was talking bout and we slowed it down. I am even giving her more space (set a time when she can focus on herself this whole week and I wont bug her). I love her very much and we are friends. IT is just easy to be swept up ya know. Right now we are hurting from a lot and I know she is hurting to the point of wanting out. But she told me she cant get out and I know it is cause she knows she loves me and doesnt want to live without me. Please pray for us that we can get through this stuff. The distance is really hurting cause we dont have a "normal" relationship. But I want to be with her so bad.

 

[Pope Gonzo]

The more you think about it the harder it will be

 

[fadedblue]

Yeah we were friends first. Didnt plan on being more but God just kinda let both us know it was ok. And I admit we are going through a HARD time right now. But I seen what she was talking bout and we slowed it down. I am even giving her more space (set a time when she can focus on herself this whole week and I wont bug her). I love her very much and we are friends. IT is just easy to be swept up ya know. Right now we are hurting from a lot and I know she is hurting to the point of wanting out. But she told me she cant get out and I know it is cause she knows she loves me and doesnt want to live without me. Please pray for us that we can get through this stuff. The distance is really hurting cause we dont have a "normal" relationship. But I want to be with her so bad.

hey, i understand . i was in a LDR myself last year and it was really hard on the both of us. i think it'll be good for her to get some space this week, you know, take a breather. maybe after that you could like...do something more structured, like a certain time each day that you two can have. for me last year, we'd set aside some time at night after we were done with our work before bed to talk and such and it worked out really nicely for us. i'm really sorry that you two are hurting right now, but i will pray for you both and i pray that both of you will get back this hurdle stay strong!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I dated Holly for a year and a half long distance. It was pretty cool. We talked a lot and got to know each other very well without the distraction of messing around.
The distance will make you or break you.

 

[looksgood]

I dated Holly for a year and a half long distance. It was pretty cool. We talked a lot and got to know each other very well without the distraction of messing around.
The distance will make you or break you.

Well there is a lot more than distance hiting us from all sides. There is just a whole lot of stuff going on mainly in her life and everything is hiting her at one time it seems. As for me...well I am strong, and know I can get through things. But some times it is just so hard. I love her through it all though.

 

[bliz]

I love her very much and we are friends. IT is just easy to be swept up ya know. Right now we are hurting from a lot and I know she is hurting to the point of wanting out. But she told me she cant get out and I know it is cause she knows she loves me and doesnt want to live without me. Please pray for us that we can get through this stuff. The distance is really hurting cause we dont have a "normal" relationship. But I want to be with her so bad.

There things here I'm not sure I'm getting yet...

Why are you hurting right now? Why is she?

What is causing this to be a LDR?

You said: "I know she is hurting to the point of wanting out. But she told me she cant get out and I know it is cause she knows she loves me and doesnt want to live without me."

Did she tell you that she is hurting to the point of wanting out? (I assume you mean out of the relationship.)

Did she say, in words, that she can't get out becasue she knows she loves you and can't live without you?

In order to be helpful, I need to have a better ides of what is going on.