Forgiving my parents

[bvwsmaker]

On this coming Thursday (3/15) during our discipleship time, my discipler is going to make me forgive my parents (and step-parents). I say "make me" because he didn't seem to offer a choice when he told me last night. I don't like being "forced" to do something. And I don't like feeling like I have to say some "magic words" to placate him. Because just saying the words won't really mean much. I already made initial verbal statements like that a long time ago (though I couldn't articulate that to my discipler) for my mother and even for the father (who abandoned me). But I can't say I've had the initial "I forgive" for either of my rotten stepfathers. I think I intended to but probably kept putting it off.

Now I know that I should forgive because I've been forgiven. (I have no problem with that!) I don't think that's the issue between my discipler and I.

I probably am ready to forgive those stepfathers though. So maybe I'll offer one to him and see what happens. If I get an attitude of frustration from him, then I'll ask him what goal am I blocking.

I could use prayers too!

 

[rainbowpromises]

Since I have been at the "time to forgive" stage, I kind of know where you are coming from. For me it came naturally. God sent just the right person with the right words at the right time.

for you.

 

[catofhope]

Praying for you, Randy, on this matter.

If it all possible would love to hear from you after that session.

 

[MMXII]

Randy, maybe I'm playing the devil's advocate here but doesn't forgiveness come from the heart? How can someone "make" you forgive another person? Wouldn't it feel more natural to get the nudge from God?

When John (ex-husband) left our daughters and I, I absolutely hated him. I could have killed him for what he did. Obviously I lived bitter for a long time, probably a couple years until I realized that I was hurting me, not him. I didn't tell John but I finally forgave him. It was one of the best things that I did...for myself, not for John.

I don't know what you've lived through but bitterness is bitterness. I don't want to usurp what your discipler has said but I think they are dead wrong about this. You'll forgive when you feel forgiveness in your heart.

That's my .02, I'll bow out now.

I'm praying for you brother

 

[Heart of a Seeker]

I agree with what Dawn said here, Randy. The parent thing is a difficult one, though. They are the ones we 'looked up to' and sometimes, what they thought of us or did to us made us think we were those things. Do you know what I mean? I still struggle with those things - even though my parents both passed away several years ago. Then the enemy will use other people to try to re-enforce those things. With God's help and counseling, I am finally - at almost 50 - coming to terms with who God truly meant for me to be. I will be praying for you.

 

[Tumbleweed64]

You are in my prayers Randy! I know how hard it can be to forgive someone who has hurt you beyond comprehension...

 

[Macatee]

My prayers are with you too Randy. I know how hard it is to forgive someone who betrayed your love and trust.

 

[country woman]

I will be praying for you to Randy. for you and your parents. God will be there for you.

 

[country woman]

I also asked for God's forgiveness towards my birth parents. I know God has forgiven the and me. I was apperhended from their home cause I was abused by my mother and father. When I went into care I had a fractured skull a broken right arm and leg to this day I walk with a noticeable limp and I suffer from short term memory loss. Fortunatly I was put in a great foster home with loving and generous parents. they are/ were my mom and dad. my mom paased away almost 3 years ago. I still miss her

 

[bvwsmaker]

Praying for you, Randy, on this matter.

If it all possible would love to hear from you after that session.

It probably will have to be online. For some reason my 800 minute phone card went fast. I guess that's what happens when it's great to talk to someone you care about!!!

 

[christcentered]

Randy, I remember part of an awesome service on forgiveness that went like this:

"....ever heard two people in the midst of a conflict and one says to the other.......I'll never forgive you for that!.....well guess what that invididual just created an emotional holding cell not only for the other individual but also for themselves......and it will all but impossible for you to completely move forward in your life until you are able to forive....so urge you to forgive.......let whatever you're holding against someone die a quick death...."

The preacher went on to give Jesus on the cross as an example of a quick death:

".....I don't know how many of you are aware, but crucifixtion is a horrible way to die because you actually suffocate to death as you hang there.....the way you survive is to push yourself up with your legs in order to give yourself artificial respiration.....and when they're finally done with you the soldiers would come by with a big hammer and break your legs so you finally die.....well when they came for Jesus He was already dead.....he did his work and died a quick death."

It was an awesome message because it made you focus on the cross....and also on what's going on in your heart with the forgiveness struggle.

I'll tell you what, I've found that message to be very true. And I've become very good at forgiving.....including my father and my ex. Credit goes to the Spirit, not me. One other thing.......once you forgive someone, it's good to let them know if at all possible.

 

[bvwsmaker]

Randy, maybe I'm playing the devil's advocate here but doesn't forgiveness come from the heart? How can someone "make" you forgive another person? Wouldn't it feel more natural to get the nudge from God?

When John (ex-husband) left our daughters and I, I absolutely hated him. I could have killed him for what he did. Obviously I lived bitter for a long time, probably a couple years until I realized that I was hurting me, not him. I didn't tell John but I finally forgave him. It was one of the best things that I did...for myself, not for John.

I don't know what you've lived through but bitterness is bitterness. I don't want to usurp what your discipler has said but I think they are dead wrong about this. You'll forgive when you feel forgiveness in your heart.

That's my .02, I'll bow out now.

I'm praying for you brother

Perhaps God's been giving me nudges for a long time. Mike's (my discipler) concern is that all I have is head knowledge and that I don't let God's truth penetrate to my heart. (I don't think he's entirely correct in that assessment but I do think some of it hasn't "grown" in my heart. Plus I've lost some truth due to not using or applying it when it was available at the time.)

I've always thought that God "invites" us toward growth, not forces us.

I think forgiveness is more associated with the will and not based on our emotions. It's a choice. If I had to wait until I "felt" like it, I may never forgive since the emotions of the hurt run pretty deep. But I am not the judge of those sins against me - God is.

 

[bvwsmaker]

Randy, I remember part of an awesome service on forgiveness that went like this:

"....ever heard two people in the midst of a conflict and one says to the other.......I'll never forgive you for that!.....well guess what that invididual just created an emotional holding cell not only for the other individual but also for themselves......and it will all but impossible for you to completely move forward in your life until you are able to forive....so urge you to forgive.......let whatever you're holding against someone die a quick death...."

The preacher went on to give Jesus on the cross as an example of a quick death:

".....I don't know how many of you are aware, but crucifixtion is a horrible way to die because you actually suffocate to death as you hang there.....the way you survive is to push yourself up with your legs in order to give yourself artificial respiration.....and when they're finally done with you the soldiers would come by with a big hammer and break your legs so you finally die.....well when they came for Jesus He was already dead.....he did his work and died a quick death."

It was an awesome message because it made you focus on the cross....and also on what's going on in your heart with the forgiveness struggle.

I'll tell you what, I've found that message to be very true. And I've become very good at forgiving.....including my father and my ex. Credit goes to the Spirit, not me. One other thing.......once you forgive someone, it's good to let them know if at all possible.

I agree that it's the cross that is the basis for our forgiving each other. Jesus died for every sin, including the ones committed against us. Letting God be the one who judges and punishes those sins is the right thing to do!

 

[christcentered]

Yep. But that doesn't mean it's always an easy thing to do. I can say that for sure in my life anyway. It takes practice and an attitude of the heart.....and even then we can still screw up and struggle with it. But it's much easier to soften the heart than it is to harden it, that's the truth. It takes a LOT of energy to be unforgiving. Cut my own father's life short, that much I'm absolutely certain of.

 

[bvwsmaker]

Thanks everyone for your prayers. That's probably why I did a lot of reading earlier today from Dennis Rainey's "The Tribute" and Neil Anderson's "Victory Over The Darkness".

My mom's birthday is less than an hour away. I have her card here but I'm glad I delayed sending it because I think I want to add a few more things than I would have if I sent it yesterday. Since I've been kind of in a financial crisis for a few months, I now wonder how my mom did it! She had to raise me first without my dad (they divorced before I was born), then two more brothers (while unmarried but that guy helped a while), then a sister (she gave her up for adoption) by her second husband, then another sister and brother by her third husband. (The second and third husband where abusers.) She finally left that third husband in my senior year (we lived with our aunt and her kids) so she still had another decade of raising kids to go at it alone.

How did she do it????? I'd like to find out so I can understand her better. If there's one of us that would write a "Tribute" to her, it would probably be me. (But it's been tough remembering "good" times growing up.)

 

[bvwsmaker]

Yep. But that doesn't mean it's always an easy thing to do. I can say that for sure in my life anyway. It takes practice and an attitude of the heart.....and even then we can still screw up and struggle with it. But it's much easier to soften the heart than it is to harden it, that's the truth. It takes a LOT of energy to be unforgiving. Cut my own father's life short, that much I'm absolutely certain of.

I know it's not easy. (Though it is easy to continually put it off!) And I know that it's a process. Many times we'll have to remind ourselves that we have given up our "right" to punish them for that sin.

 

[christcentered]

What you said about putting if off - - how true. The truth is you have time today but there's no promise of tomorrow. I can see how you'd be turned off by this guy's attitude at church, I would be too.....but maybe part of what he's trying to convey but doing a poor job of it is that you don't want these important things to go unsaid & not done while you can still have a positive impact on those you're forgiving. That probably goes double for a family member/parent.

I had to reconcile waiting until it's too late once in my life & I won't make that mistake twice. When you forgive somebody let them know.....again, it's a holding cell that's very real.......and you don't want them carrying that to their grave. You could be doing someone more good than you'll ever know.

 

[catofhope]

It probably will have to be online. For some reason my 800 minute phone card went fast. I guess that's what happens when it's great to talk to someone you care about!!!

I will do my very best to be here.

Always enjoy our phone time too.

 

[catofhope]

As Thursday has arrived.
I know your meeting is MANY hours away still.

 

[bvwsmaker]

As Thursday has arrived.
I know your meeting is MANY hours away still.

Thanks for the prayers!

Definitely creeping up slowly!!

(Just like the time we'll first meet!!!)