Forgiving Adultery

[MLS3026533]

Hey everyone...upon reading some of Cooper's feelings, I really needed to send out a question to the men who have worked through the terrible tragedy of adultery and returned to a healthy marriage relationship. I feel it wasn't ever an intention for us to forget adultery. We should stay vigilant and learn from our mistakes. But I do believe we should be able to learn to forgive and even be able to look back on the past without feeling such deep hurt and anger.

What are some things a wife could do to help her husband walk through this betrayal?

Do you really think about this everyday as Cooper does?

 

[Svt4Him]

First off, can you expain when your husband had an affair?

 

[roni754]

my husband was a week ago today so it is still really fresh with me. Certainely something I was sure I would never have to deal with.

 

[MLS3026533]

Forgive me for not being very clear. I was the one who initially had the affair, I then began chatting with men online and forming relationships secretly. You may have seen my other post "Saving my marriage". I have turned from all my behavior and have turned to the Lord. Over the last 3 months I have grown spiritually and changed my life. But I know my poor husband still struggles daily with the pain I caused him.

I have forgiven him for the short lived emotional affair and dates he had with another woman. I realize I was the one who drove him to turn to another woman.

I just want to learn how I can help him be secure again and move passed the hurt, pain and anger.

 

[seebs]

My understanding is that rebuilding trust after betrayal mostly requires a huge investment of time and attentiveness. Mostly time. No magic bullets here, no perfect cures; after any betrayal, whether it's an affair or just ignoring your spouse to focus on your career, you will need a long time to build up trust.

 

[Svt4Him]

Forgive me for not being very clear. I was the one who initially had the affair, I then began chatting with men online and forming relationships secretly. You may have seen my other post "Saving my marriage". I have turned from all my behavior and have turned to the Lord. Over the last 3 months I have grown spiritually and changed my life. But I know my poor husband still struggles daily with the pain I caused him.

I have forgiven him for the short lived emotional affair and dates he had with another woman. I realize I was the one who drove him to turn to another woman.

I just want to learn how I can help him be secure again and move passed the hurt, pain and anger.

I am sorry to hear it, but in all honesty you and your husband need to take responsibility for your own actions. If your husband blames you for his affair, he will never get to the place where he can be healed, and you will have to live a very unsecure life. You will then fear that anything you do to drive your husband away will justify his sin, and it isn't your fault. When you had an affair, you gave your husband the option of leaving you. If he chooses to stay, he then doesn't have the right to hold it over you or make you pay, he gave that right up when he said he'd stay. So no, no matter what you did, what your husband did is equally bad, if not worse. So the first step is to realize it's not your fault, and your husband has some issue to work out. If he's not willing to do that, then it will be hard to move past the hurt, pain and anger. You and your husband are the same peas in a pod, but that has to be realized before I believe trust can start again.

 

[MLS3026533]

I understand it was my husbands choice and I'm not real sure he blames me for doing it. I was only saying I take responsibility in recognizing I did drive him away. I guess I do blame myself though.

I know it will take time to rebuild the trust. I understand that their isn't a magic pill to make it all go away. I was just looking for small things I could focus on daily which would in turn lead to the big goal. It's just hard daily, wondering if he's talked to her or if he has other woman at work. I'm sure my imagination is running wild at times, but I still have so many insecurities.

 

[Yitzchak]

One very good point which was hinted at in some of the posts is that the two of you need to get to the place where you are handling this as a team. meaning that the two of you are together and workign towards the same goals. Not an unequal relationship where one member gets the upper hand over the other one bacause of past sins. Whatever mistakes and sucesses happen. they need to be joint efforts and joint sufferings of loss. Just like it is with money in marriage. when one partner makes a mistake , both pertners pay. when one pratner makes a sucess , both pertners profit.

 

[MLS3026533]

My problem is I can't get my husband to talk about it. I have even gone to lengths out of desperation and mentioned seperation because I can't take the silence. Don't get me wrong. We talk and play about everyday things but when it comes to the future of our relationship, he shuts down or responds by saying he isn't sure and he needs time to think and figure out his feelings. It's been 3 months since I made the change in my life and began following the lord and began being a loving attentive wife again but he still isn't sure at times what he wants. Any advice? Do I just continue to be faithful and give him the time he needs and how much time do you give?

 

[~Nikki~]

I know that being a woman I definitely don't think the same as a man. However, I think you would have to give your husband as much time as he needs and that when he is ready he'll talk to you about it. In the meantime trust can be rebuilt slowly with actions. IMO no amount of talking will rebuild trust, but living a changed life daily as you said you've been doing should go a long way towards it and I guess that no one could put their finger on exactly when things will be 'ok' again.

I do think that if you both work on yourselves in terms of becoming more Christlike and more godly, the process *may* be a little quicker. A lady in my family was given some advice when she and her husband were getting over an affair...she was told that once they'd decided to work on things to put it behind her and never bring the matter up again because in doing that they would end up focusing on the very thing they were trying to put behind them. It's taken a long time, but their marriage is now better than it's ever been, and by this lady being quiet about the past, and working on showing her husband the love of Christ instead of preaching to him and trying to convince him with words, he has also now become a committed Christian (not saying that your husband isn't...just trying to show that actions speak a lot louder than words).

Paul sums love up very well when he talks about it in 1 Corinthians 13...



4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails.

Hang in there.
Praying for you...

 

[MLS3026533]

WOW, thank you. I'm learning to live the change and it seems daily I have struggled with letting things happen in Gods time and not my own. I have to learn to give him space and time. I am very loving now, but I must admit at times if he withdraws, I tend to withdraw as well. I have to learn to show him that love in those moments of insecurity, for the moments he withdraws are probably the moments he is needing that reassurance from me.

Thanks you for your prayers. This board has been wonderful for me. I'm thrilled I found it.

 

[Crazy Liz]

My problem is I can't get my husband to talk about it. I have even gone to lengths out of desperation and mentioned seperation because I can't take the silence. Don't get me wrong. We talk and play about everyday things but when it comes to the future of our relationship, he shuts down or responds by saying he isn't sure and he needs time to think and figure out his feelings. It's been 3 months since I made the change in my life and began following the lord and began being a loving attentive wife again but he still isn't sure at times what he wants. Any advice? Do I just continue to be faithful and give him the time he needs and how much time do you give?

Like seebs said, it can take a long time. Some people process things more slowly than others and take longer to make up their minds.

At this point, I wonder if some couples counseling might do you some good. Even if he's taking his time to decide, it might give an atmosphere where he can express what he's feeling, rather than withdraw. If you do go into therapy though, do it together. And ask the right questions. This article does not exactly address your situation, but it raises some good points to be aware of before beginning any kind of counseling or therapy.