forgiveness versus personal safety

[joey_downunder]

Today at my church the pastor spoke a fair bit about forgiving others because God has forgiven us so much. I got pretty upset because it stirred up a lot of negative memories yet again.

Yes I know that christians are supposed to (generally) forgive others, I think I have forgiven my mother a fair bit for the extreme emotional incest. Thank God for being an army wife - I have been posted away so far away from her (I am still in another state- hurrah!) I have had the personal space to be able to work out what she did right and what was totally inappropriate. She was an excellent mother in most aspects but I dreaded her opening my bedroom door for her "deep-and-meaningfuls" talks about how unhappy she was e.g. with my father and how bad her childhood was. I was verbally attacked if I wasn't supportive of her needs.

 

[lilewe]

Hi!. I have really been struggling with forgiveness too with family members and just tonight googled the topic and found a page How to Handle Negative Feelings when wronged by someone else at Bible-Knowledge.com. For me sometimes I feel like I have been drowning under some of the hurts caused by others, and it is something that has been eating away at me, even very nearly killing me. This may not be something you struggle with though to the same extent. I have taken comfort from this page though, that forgiveness is not something we can do in our own strength, but need to pray for God's help, through his Holy Spirit to give us the power. I guess I still don't know where I stand though tonight. I have prayed after reading the article and I will pray for you as well, if forgiving your Mum is something that is needed for you. I guess often forgiveness is a process though, which can take time as well and may not necessarily mean spending a lot of time with that person either, particularly if they are still abusive.

 

[myredeemer3]

Forgiveness is a process and it does take time and distance from the abuser. My mother was, and still is a very mentally abusive person. Then I married a physically abuse man. I know I carry those past experiences with me to this day, many years later, but I came to realize that I was hurting myself daily by re-experiencing those times, over and over again in my head. I also realized that even though I was remembering, they were not. They were free to move on and never think of the past abuse they had to me or others. They were thinking about themselves not me. I could not change them, so I prayed to God to take my hurts away, to make me new and help me let go of the past and take away from it life lessons about who I wanted to be apart from the abuse. I can say now, much time has passed, that I am able to talk with both of them without remembering the past pain they caused me. If in a communication with either of them, I start to feel hurt, I simple pray for them.

I am praying for you Joey. Jesus can an will take away your pain if you let Him.

 

[joey_downunder]

Thankyou so much lilewe and myredeemer3. When I told my bible study group leader what I was going through she organised for me to see the professional church counsellor next week.

 

[SplendidTree]

I will pray for you!

 

[michaelwriting]

In my recovery work, I had to learn how to detach from people and situations that were unhealthy and/or harmful to me. For my marriage it was sort of hard, to detach from her 'ill' behaviors while still spending most of my time living under the same roof.

I used to put myself out there and allow myself to be abused. Sort of a martyr syndrome. I was told that I was a horrible person and that I deserved to be treated badly, and unfortunately I believed it. As a Christian, I also thought that loving other people somehow meant that I should allow them to walk all over me and get away with whatever they wanted. But that wasn't love, that was sickness and lack of respect for myself as a human being. I know that God expects me to love and care for myself just as much as I might love or care for anyone else.

I had to learn how to guard my heart, and not just put it out there to get trampled on. There are some people in this world that do not deserve my trust, and I know that I need to be wise enough to not just put my heart into someone's hands who will just crush and destroy it. I have to protect my emotions (heart) as it says in the scriptures.

I had to learn how to 'get out of the hurricane'. Unfortunately, I spent so much energy trying to 'fix the problem' in my home, and I would get devastated because I would put myself in the middle of the chaos, trying to make it stop. God showed me that when the hurricanes of life come, I need to take shelter and get out of the way. Otherwise, I'll be left picking up the broken pieces of my heart off the floor each time it rambles through.

Thank God that he has largely given me mastery over the situation here in my home. He has truly made my enemies a footstool as he says in scripture. (I really didn't get what that scripture meant until it started happening in my life.) He has helped me to take control of an out of control situation. The problem is that I don't know exactly how to live without the chaos and confusion sometimes. This whole new household is sort of foreign to me sometimes. I end up spending too much time writing on the internet, perhaps as an escape. I don't know. But I want to move forward with the next portion of my recovery. I feel like I should continue to do the things that got me to where I am...to continue with my recovery program. Part of me feels like doing something new. I don't know. But I appreciate you guys being here.

Thank you for your shares. I appreciate it. Be strong and keep pushing forward.