Forgiveness = Taking Back?

[olds8598]

Does forgiving a spouse who abandoned you mean you have to take them back?

I was married almost eleven years. Overall it was a very good marriage; I would grade it A-. My wife, just when I was on the verge of eviction, declared she wanted a divorce "to have no man in my life" and move back in with her ailing parents to care for them. This was in April, 2012. She is 53 and I am 48. I had been downsized in 2011, eventually lost my Unemployment, and hadn't been able to find work. Thankfully, I found on-call work the next month and by July, 2012 was out of the woods; I wasn't evicted, thank God. I continued working on-call until September 2012 when I went F/T.

Basically my wife put her family before our marriage. In February, 2012 I asked her to ask her brother if I lost the apartment, could I move in with him and his family (wife, three kids.) She would move in at her folks apartment, which was too small to include me. Besides, I had spent many a weekend at their apartment over the decade and their children were my closest nieces and nephews, especially the youngest daughter. She was the apple of my eye and she called me her second father. This brother also took in for over a year a family friend and her two children who were in similar straits. He told my wife, "Yes." I spent a weekend over there in March 2012. Everyone in the place--adult and children--knew my plight. When I left that Monday morning to take the children to school and then return home, my sister-in-law (SIL) gave me food and two shirts. Then on April 15 my wife told me our SIL said I could not move in with them . When I asked my wife what reason did she give for this unexpected reversal my wife said our SIL didn't give a reason . When I asked my wife what did she say in my defense, she replied, "What do you want me to do--argue with my family? It's their apartment." Six days later she made her divorce announcement. I felt shock and betrayed.

Up until January 2013, I was against paying for the divorce. I didn't want it, she wanted it, so she should pay for it. Since we never had joint financial accounts, she said she didn't have any money. I changed my mind in the New Year, viewing her as a drag on my life. She refused my initial offer to forgive her, her brother and SIL--no questions asked--on the day she said she wanted a divorce. Then when I called her in May 2012 because I felt God wanted me to see if she wanted to sit down and try and save the marriage she again refused. She never contacted me to argue, talk, or ask for forgiveness. She didn't even say "Thank you" when I mailed back her Virgin of Guadalupe picture. Thus, by her actions and inactions, she wanted the divorce. I wanted to get on with my life, so I went to the legal service of my union and began the divorce proceedings in March 2013. The next month, almost to the day from a year ago when she made her divorce decree, she got personally served the summons. She never replied to it, remaining silent (neither contacting me or my attorney.)

In the past couple of months, I am getting "messages" I believe are from the Lord wanting me to forgive her. I began working on forgiving her in my mind, something I would never do for someone so close who betrayed me. (Yet, I think of Jesus and Judas). It is a process to forgive her; I am 70% complete. This week I got some heavy duty "messages" to forgive her. Ok, I am working on that. I am just looking to know if forgiving her completely, 100%, also entails me taking her back. I honestly do not want to. I no longer love, respect, or trust her.

Sorry for the length, but thanks for the input.

 

[ValleyGal]

No, you don't. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation or restoration. It simply means dismissing a perceived debt against her.

Forgiveness is separate from, but a factor in, reconciliation. You do not want to pursue reconciliation, and that's okay. But what God is asking you to do is to not hold your hurt against her, to let it go and not make her "pay" for hurting you. It removes your perceived entitlement to revenge.

I'm so sorry for the pain you went through as a result of this. But on the other hand, you came back out the other side, the Lord provided for you, and you are okay now. There is much to be grateful for!

 

[olds8598]

No, you don't. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation or restoration. It simply means dismissing a perceived debt against her.

Forgiveness is separate from, but a factor in, reconciliation. You do not want to pursue reconciliation, and that's okay. But what God is asking you to do is to not hold your hurt against her, to let it go and not make her "pay" for hurting you. It removes your perceived entitlement to revenge.

I'm so sorry for the pain you went through as a result of this. But on the other hand, you came back out the other side, the Lord provided for you, and you are okay now. There is much to be grateful for!

ValleyGal,

Thank you so much for this meaningful reply and your sentiment in the last paragraph. Your explanation of forgiveness was excellent! It IS separate from but plays a part in reconciliation.

Except for occasionally wanting her to lose her hair, I could not even consider any type of revenge. This was based on her starting to lose very small bits of hair in 2011, due to the double stress of feeling bad and sad for me not finding any work, and being a caregiver to her parents (especially her mom.) I jokingly said, "Her loosing her hair is non lethal but does provide a boat-load of embarrassment." Actually I have left this part up to God. I forget the Scripture but it says, "Vindicate me, O Lord..." I had asked God to let me know about His vindication, if it was in His will. I actually said to her in a letter to forget answering to me, that she has to answer to God. (She is also a religious/spiritual Christian.)

Funny, as I am writing this, I am starting to feel sorry for my wife.

I will eventually forgive her. Like I said, it's a process for me. I do not want to do the contacting, especially now in the legal divorce process. I just want the divorce to be finalized. She is the offender, so she needs to do the contacting.

You are right in saying there is so much to grateful for. The first is the obvious that I wasn't evicted , still have my apartment, am working and joyfully am able to pay my bills, and move forward with my life and goals. The second and deeper factor is that I am locked in to God; I am attached to His right hip ! He has shown His love for me by bringing me out of the worst personal and financial period in my life. He continues to show that love in other areas. I, in turn, daily read my military edition of Psalm 91 and have a non-stop thirst to improve my side of our relationship.

ValleyGal, thanks again and God bless.

 

[ValleyGal]

Oooh. Losing her hair? That's like tragedy for some women. I hope you don't think like that anymore.

God expects us to forgive others if we expect him to forgive us. The thing is that he doesn't necessarily tell us how to forgive. What are some ways you can actively work on forgiveness (as opposed to just letting time heal the wounds)?

One thing I would like to mention is that you pray to know about God's vindication if it's his will. I can tell you right now, it is not his will. He wants you to forgive her even if God does not vindicate you. Here's why. She could very well have repented of the factors that drove her to leave the marriage, and if God forgives her, there will be no vindication. In the same way that when you confess your sins he is faithful and just to forgive them, he is also faithful and just to forgive hers. And even if she never repents, God's vindication may not happen in a way that you can observe. In fact, I might go so far as to suggest that even wanting God to vindicate you is unforgiveness. You may very well have let go of your right for revenge and given that right to God. But...you want to be indirectly involved by seeing God take her down...or whatever he would do.... and that would give you a sense of pleasure.

Here's the thing. When Jesus was on the cross, he prayed for those who put him there - "Father, forgive them!" In the same way, might you consider praying that God would forgive your ex, rather than pray he vindicate you? Could this be part of the process for your forgiveness toward her?

 

[CounselorForChrist]

With a friend you can forgive and distance yourself from them. However I believe in marriage forgiveness means always staying with them. In my mind divorce means you can never be with anyone again. So its up to the person to remarry their spouse or to stay alone forever because you are now one. Of course I also don't believe in divorce for any reason.

If I was in your situation I would stay with/remarry my wife. Sure it might take forever to trust to build back up but thats part of marriage sometimes. People today don't take vows seriously. They see it as just something they say as part of the ceremony. After all look at all the times we outright sin and spit on God, and yet when we ask He forgives us and stays with us still. If he doesn't leave us and we are his bridegroom, then why would we leave our spouse?

Granted if your spouse leaves you theres no real way to stop it of course. But a spouse whos willing to leave and doesn't find marriage sacred obviously never took marriage seriously. And of course makes a mockery of the wedding ceremony vowing in front of God. I will say she needs to realize the priorities in life are God, spouse, kids and then family. How can a spouse feel loved if the other spouse spends more time with the family instead?

If you two stay together then it means you've made it through the trial and it will strengthen your marriage. Many give up and don't get back together and often miss out on blessings and growing as a couple. Lastly as fleshy sinful humans we tend to find it easier to go down the easy route rather then the hard one.

 

[ValleyGal]

Yes, people do interpret the Bible differently, and it will be different for one newly married/never divorced than it is for someone who has been married and divorced and yes, remarried. Besides a very careful study of 1 Cor. 7 (particularly vvs. 27, 28), here is a great study on whether or not a divorced person can marry again:

Divorce and Remarriage - Can Christians Remarry After Divorce? Absolutely! Apoluo, Shalach

Divorce is not an easy route. In fact, it is extremely painful - remember when the two become one, divorce is like cutting that one in half again. It is very painful to have to spend time rediscovering who you are as a single person again. I do not advocate divorce, but when it's at this stage for the OP, I would also hesitate advocating reconciliation. These are choices directly up to the OP and his ex, and I think it's good to seek information in order to make an informed decision.

ETA: I think I posted the wrong link....try this one:

http://www.divorcehope.com/stillmarriedafterdivorce.htm

 

[mjmcmillan]

Every situation is different. There are times when forgiveness and reconciliation and putting the marriage back together again is THE God-honoring way to go.

Then, there are cases where you forgive-- or at least ask God to forgive-- because God commands, through Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit, that we forgive. The restoration of the marriage may be impossible, not least of which on scriptural grounds. It depends on the circumstances, and there is no "one size fits all" answer to this.

You forgive because God commands it. You don't need to be harboring bitterness against anyone for any length of time.

 

[olds8598]

Thank you for all the recent messages. I just got in from work a little while ago (it's almost 2:20 AM), but before I went to sleep I wanted share this. Around 9:30 PM (Eastern) Sunday/last night, I made the decision to forgive my wife (and her brother and his wife) 100%. I will share details about this, and read and reply to messages within the next day or two. (My work hours are all over the place.)

I also have to contact my lawyer about this. I still want the divorce to proceed. It's in the court's court right now. I am just wondering if writing a letter of forgiveness to her in the middle of a legal proceeding can hamper the proceeding. I will worry about that later. Right now I need to introduce my head to my pillow.

Thanks again and God bless.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Don't. Write. Anything. Period. While you're getting divorced.

You can write her all you want afterwards, you can write her something and not send it, you can journal it and hang it on her wall. But, for the love of goodness, don't write anything and send it to her. If her lawyer is a shark and she's OK with eating you alive, it'll be skimmed over with a fine-toothed comb and picked apart to use against you.

How do I know this?

When I was getting divorced, I got a long, long, personal letter from my soon-to-be-ex. It was very much a letter of closure, mutual forgiveness, and just the type of resolution everybody would want to a marriage that started off great and totally derailed without anybody ever realizing how. When went to go see if we needed lawyers, I visited one and he asked if my ex-husband had written me anything, I said he had. He then told me to bring it with next time and we'd see how we could use it to get a settlement. I was appalled and said it was personal and I didn't want to use it that way, and he said that he could guarantee the lawyer my husband was seeing would ask him the same question and do the same thing, and if there was even a small degree of hostility, they would have no qualms about using it against me.

At that point my ex-husband and I (which, by the way, his lawyer did tell him the same thing) came back together and said that we didn't want this to be messy and lawyers would make it messy, so we divorced very amicably without any lawyers.

My current husband, when he was getting divorced, every last card, note, letter, and text message he wrote to her was brought up and presented in mediation and was attempted at using against him. Right on down to her giving him and him taking an anniversary gift from her, despite the fact that she told him it was a gift and cards from the kids for Father's Day. It was ridiculous.

 

[olds8598]

== ValleyGal, ==

No, thankfully I do not think like that anymore.

“She could very well have repented of the factors that drove her to leave the marriage, and if God forgives her, there will be no vindication. In the same way that when you confess your sins he is faithful and just to forgive them, he is also faithful and just to forgive hers.” Very good point.

“But...you want to be indirectly involved by seeing God take her down...or whatever he would do.... and that would give you a sense of pleasure.” You’re right; that’s how I felt. I did want to know about it.

“In the same way, might you consider praying that God would forgive your ex, rather than pray he vindicate you? Could this be part of the process for your forgiveness toward her?” Over the past year I actually prayed for both forgiveness and vindication. The forgiveness prayers were far less than the other. I just realized you can’t pray for both. Even when, (I believe it was) David who requested vindication, he didn’t also ask for his pursuers’ forgiveness.

“Divorce is not an easy route. In fact, it is extremely painful - remember when the two become one, divorce is like cutting that one in half again. It is very painful to have to spend time rediscovering who you are as a single person again.” Aaamenn!

== xfreakazoidx ==

“After all look at all the times we outright sin and spit on God, and yet when we ask He forgives us and stays with us still. If he doesn't leave us and we are his bridegroom, then why would we leave our spouse?” EXCELLENT point taken.

“If you two stay together then it means you've made it through the trial and it will strengthen your marriage.” I agree. In May 2012, a friend of mine says that God will part a couple to eventually reunite them and make them stronger.


== mjmcmillan ==

“You don't need to be harboring bitterness against anyone for any length of time.” I am coming to that conclusion. After I made the decision to forgive my spouse, I thought about my cousin who also wronged me.


== Tropical Wilds ==

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I got home from work last night all jacked up to write out the letter and have my attorney review it. I wasn’t going to send to until the lawyer ok’d it. In the middle of writing it in a Word document, I decided to come to here, to the forum. I read your message. Thank you for not only your personal experience with correspondence, and also for the legal ramifications. I am not sending it until the divorce is final. I may write it, like you said, for journaling. I think writing out my forgiving thoughts is a great tool for my healing. I will not, for legal purposes, send it out now.

Again: THANK YOU!

 

[olds8598]

I can't wait for the divorce to be finalized so I can get on with my life. This is still true, along with now I can't wait for it to be over so I can forgive!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

== Tropical Wilds ==

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I got home from work last night all jacked up to write out the letter and have my attorney review it. I wasn’t going to send to until the lawyer ok’d it. In the middle of writing it in a Word document, I decided to come to here, to the forum. I read your message. Thank you for not only your personal experience with correspondence, and also for the legal ramifications. I am not sending it until the divorce is final. I may write it, like you said, for journaling. I think writing out my forgiving thoughts is a great tool for my healing. I will not, for legal purposes, send it out now.

Again: THANK YOU!

No worries. I think writing letters or notes is pretty cathartic, but like I said, hang on to that sucker until you're divorced, if you send it at all.

I can't wait for the divorce to be finalized so I can get on with my life. This is still true, along with now I can't wait for it to be over so I can forgive!

Don't be surprised if this feeling, no matter how great, is still a fleeting one. Totally normal.