For those involuntary celibates

[Sir Robbins]

I want this thread to be taken seriously and understand the points of view from the responding members. We know as Christians that there are those gifted with celibacy and are known in the bible as Eunuchs. Eunuchs are born that way in their mother's womb, some that make themselves Eunuchs and others that live like them. Now for the twist. There are people out there that are not gifted with celibacy that end up alone in life sexually frustrated to the point of serious medical and psychological side effects that haunt them known as involuntary celibates. These can be someone who has the desire for marriage but cannot find anyone to marry or those who are not holding out but for reasons, they cannot make anything happen. I was one of those people who had a high drive for a long time and my continued ignorance of it and taking drugs to kill testosterone led to the destruction of it and while I now have peace with it, the fact that I had a drive leads me to believe I am not one of those gifted people. I choose to live alone and be alone. I don't like interaction with many people, despise churches and even some of my family. The thought of sex now makes me repulsive and even can spark hatred. I never wanted kids and still don't so I choose to be alone in what some call "my selfish ways". Is it truly selfish to choose to be alone when it is not my calling? Is it a sin to live against the life I was supposed to live? My home pastor has told me there is no such thing as a "Lone Ranger Christian" and we are designed for relationships with others which I agree but have chosen not to engage with others outside of work or family as it does nothing but cause problems, drama, confrontation and I lose all trust with everyone I put it in as they fail to be trusted, even my family. I feel I am better alone and without relationships. I do get lonely but will take that over conflict, tension and people any day. Does anyone else know someone like this or is like this? Do you know if it is truly doable? I know some who are in their 40s and 50s that apparently have. Thanks for reading.

 

[Purge187]

I've looked into the incel issue for a few years now. It seems like it never gets much attention until people like Elliot Rodger or Chris Chubbuck do something drastic.

Judging from Corinthians, the decision on whether or not to marry is up to us. The instances where God "predestines" a person's marital status are few and far between.

If you search through some of my older posts, you'd see that the little sexual desire that I had was a constant source of spiritual and mental strife until God stepped in and changed that. I'm now proudly asexual and childfree, so I don't see anything wrong with not being married either. In fact, for the first time, single adults outnumber married ones in the West. And after reading about some of the horrors suffered by men in family courts, that's probably a good thing.

 

[pittsflyer]

I think for guys who are not having things happen for them they need to get out of the church they are in (sundays are one of 2 free days most people have) and do one or multiple things:

1 find a new church (married people who are having regular sex that keep parroting that church is not a match making service need to be ignored and left).
2 find a new job in a new state
3 find a new job in a new country (learn a new language if you have too)

In addition to these items you may need to learn to be attracted to women that are attracted to you (don't necessarily have to cross ethnicity) but just be open to heavier women. Appropriate weight decent looking women in the USA are almost inevitably narcissists because our society puts them on a pedestal. They may act humble in church but their selection criteria often times shows they are looking for a Christian version of the brawny paper towel man. So you have to find women who have realized they are not getting the guy next door version of brad pitt (ie super hot guy who loves babies and leads the youth ministry and has pictures of himself rescuing brown people from earth quake rubble while simultaneously somehow making 6 figures a year).

Waving your hands around in church for an hour listening to already married peoples self righteousness is obviously not working for everyone.

Don't take pills. Get out of the church mill and don't tolerate women who think its ok to withhold sex and don't be so picky on looks and/or weight.

 

[SnowyMacie]

The decision on whether or not to marry is up to us. The instances where God "predestines" a person's marital status are few and far between.

Pretty much this.


I think the church has become too focused on the family, dare I even say we idolize the family. Forget serving each the least of these, it's all about building a strong "biblical" family (whatever the heck that means). Is God concerned about the family? Absolutely, but is the goal of the Christian living to have a strong family? No. The idea that we're created for relationships is both true and false. There are some people who are not, most people, however, are designed to be in relationships with other people. It's a very generalized and blanketed statement.

 

[redblue22]

I have only heard against lone ranger Christians people who clearly let no one in their life.

It reminds me of people who say how important church is, but they don't want you to attend theirs.

 

[Sir Robbins]

interesting responses and I thank you for them. The somewhat good news is I really have no drive anymore and my MS may be to blame for it. The more I focus on God, the less desire I have for others. May sound strange and may sound right to some. I would like to have someone to spend time with physically like vacationing, dining, going to the beach and such. The problem is not finding someone I want, it's the fact that the type of person I desire would turn their shoulder to me. I am not going to change who I am as a person to appease someone else because I'd be living a lie. Andy Stanley had a series on dating about how we should focus on being the right person instead of looking for the right person. The problem I guess is that I am not the right person for who I want

 

[Purge187]

Good on you for staying true to yourself, but you're only 25. Don't let the search for a mate consume you, but don't give up either.

 

[miss-a]

Pretty much this.


I think the church has become too focused on the family, dare I even say we idolize the family. Forget serving each the least of these, it's all about building a strong "biblical" family (whatever the heck that means). Is God concerned about the family? Absolutely, but is the goal of the Christian living to have a strong family? No. The idea that we're created for relationships is both true and false. There are some people who are not, most people, however, are designed to be in relationships with other people. It's a very generalized and blanketed statement.

This is well stated. It is true that the obsessive focus on marriage and family in the Christian community can cause those of us who do not have those things to feel out of place. I don't however think that's a good reason to give up on all other Christian, ourselves, or hope of having a mate one day. I think when these things get difficult it is a time to move in closer to God, blurt it all out to Him, ask for healing and take the time to allow for Him to heal us. He will. He has for me. And the healing did mean a temporary time away from church. The result for me has been not only a closer relationship with Him, but I have been healed from the damage of so many of the black and white issues. You know, single equals bad, alone mean lonely, etc. I've come out the other side of this with so much more peace, an inner knowing that I'll be happy no matter what happen, whether I ever have a mate and even if I don't fit in with all the families and married couples. Having said all that, another odd but welcome result of allowing for this healing has been that I have more confidence than ever that in His time and way God is going to bring someone.

So please, OP, hang out with God. Have some deep honest conversations with Him. Ask for healing. Be willing to let go of the stereotypes, self-imposed and otherwise, and see what He will do.

Prayers,
a

 

[leothelioness]

I feel I am better alone and without relationships. I do get lonely but will take that over conflict, tension and people any day.

I feel that I am better alone as well. Some just find it more fulfilling to seek God rather than man (or woman). Although I don't get lonely anymore, but I did at first before I came to acceptance in God's way for me. Now I am more than at peace with where I am. If He chooses to place someone in my life I will be more than glad to receive them, but I won't go looking for it.

 

[ReesePiece23]

I think most things in life should be involuntary. And as fruity as this sounds, you should flow through life, like the seeds of a blown dandelion. Spread out and be free, don't stress yourself with "I have do this by THIS age, and I should be making x amount of money, doing this particular job. I Need to move into the little house with the white picket fence, and have three children with my Proverbs 33 girl, and blah, blah, blah." Seriously, where's the quality of life in stressing?

You might remain celibate, you might meet the one you're going to marry when you go food shopping tonight - either way, don't stress about it. You can have a plan as to how you're going to live your life, but it's God who's going to justify that plan. And at twenty five, you can't possibly know what that is going to be yet. Five years ago I was a complete atheist who laughed at Christianity. Now I'm devoted - never saw that coming.

 

[ivanc0]

you just 25, at 25 I did not have sex yet, but I will go with lots of girls to disco and eat outs, eventually some one will be right for you, just keep trying, nobody cares except you!, unless you have some medical or mental condition then things need to be taken more carefully.

 

[Gnarwhal]

If marriage is predestined, then God must not like me very much since mine crashed and burned.

Good thing I don't believe it is.

 

[SnowyMacie]

If marriage is predestined, then God must not like me very much since mine crashed and burned.

Good thing I don't believe it is.

Right?

 

[Sir Robbins]

you just 25, at 25 I did not have sex yet, but I will go with lots of girls to disco and eat outs, eventually some one will be right for you, just keep trying, nobody cares except you!, unless you have some medical or mental condition then things need to be taken more carefully.

there are medical issues that would actually keep me from having any kids or sex for that matter. Permanent impotence due to nerve damage. It would be a rare find on my end for sure to find someone who is willing to marry with no sex or kids. That's like finding a string of hay in a needle stack.

 

[HonestTruth]

If marriage is predestined, then God must not like me very much since mine crashed and burned.

Good thing I don't believe it is.

It is written that a wife is a gift from God which appears to make it a matter of predestination.

I wish God would predestine a wealthy wife for me but I guess he doesn't want me to be happy.

 

[FreeinChrist]

MOD HAT

Sorry, no topics about sex are allowed in this forum. This thread is closed.