FOR MY SUGAR MOMMA
Its been so hard to live without you, and I find myself wondering how in the world I can live without you when the last 2 years of your life were spent together...going to church, fellowshipping, and being best buds....
I remember when the doctors told us that you had ALS (bulbar onset) and told us that you would die...
you know I never even saw you cry, you just were willing to do the Lords will, whatever it took...
this is something I wrote for you, my SUGAR MOMMA
Dear Lord...please tell Mommie...
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the past couple of days have been hard on me Lord, waterworks have flowed more freely than since before Mommie earned her wings...
I take a bath at night, and pray to you Lord, and then its time for me to settle in...and there it is again.......a tear...and then another and another.....
I can honestly feel my heart breaking...and I know that its selfish...and I understand why Mommie is with you........but Lord, I miss her too.......
I just dont think my heart can take this pain it feels at times....I know IM selfish...
I miss so much about my Mommie, Lord...
You know I still walk out of work every day all happy because Im going to see Mommie, only to remind myself shes with you? And there the water works start again....
And then, I wake up in the morning, and for the first few minutes of that day, I forget I no longer have a Mommie of my own....I am not her little girl anymore....
I know how terribly sick she was, and you were merciful to take her...and I wouldnt want her back from Heaven for nothing in this world...but Lord could you help my heart....it wont stop breaking...
I walk thru the house, and it seems like I smell her in the air...and sometimes, its almost like it was when she was in the room with me...and then I have to remind myself that shes taken up permanent residence with you...and my heart is broken again.
when I was a little girl, I was so very sick, and there was this one time that I almost died, but it wasnt my time....then. I think about that...and then I think if I had died then...we would be together there with you now...and I would have missed out on a lot of pain this world has caused me...
but then, I see my children and their smiling faces and I know its worth something to be here Lord, but my heart feels broken again....I dont have my Mommie.
I cry every single night Lord...if only for a few minutes, and then I feel at peace...I know this is for the best...but my heart is so stubborn Lord...it wants what it wants....
I keep remembering last year, this time...and I was so happy with Mommie...so sad about her sickness, but thankful for each moment with her, you know?
Dear Lord will you please tell Mommie that she mattered to me? That her life counted for something to me? Will you let her know that my love for her still grows stronger every day eventhough I cant see her right now?
Lord, will you help me have the strength to go thru all of these hard days??? Will you please help me get thru Christmas and not be as harsh as I am now about Thanksgiving? If anyone can...its you Lord....
I know that shes there with you Lord....you should really give my Mommie a hug...she gives the best hugs in the world...an't no one like em...and I miss them more than my simple words can say...
Will you hug my Mommie for me and tell her that I said 'Hi' and that I am being extra good, and that I love her so? Will you tell her that I see her in so much of my life and that she is on my mind every day?
Will you Lord? Will you help me?
You have helped me thru so much before...I sure do hate to ask..but I wont be able to make it without you Thursday, well...anyday to be exact...
I didnt realize how hard this would be...Lord please help me.....
Lord, I dont know how Heaven is going to be...I know that our minds cant comprehend how wonderful it will be...but could I have just ONE of her hugs Lord...just one more? When I get to Heaven, and we are walking side by side...and you and I are strolling over Heaven together...can you take me to Mommie and tell her its me? Could you just give me one more second of being her little girl so that I could have one of her SUGAR MOMMA HUGS...??? PLEASE?
Lord, if it werent for you and Calvary I dont know what I would do......
oh how I love you.
here are some more things I wrote to you Mommie
You and me Momma
Weve seen our share of hard times, me and you Momma.........
We've caused eachother to cry, me and you Momma.....
We've wasted a lot of years living in sin, and not talking, me and you Momma.....
We've missed out on a lot of conversations, me and you Momma......
We have to go the rest of your life without the sound of your voice...me and you Momma..
We will have to write, and read everything we feel, see and do...for me and you Momma..
We found the Lord about the same time...me and you Momma........
We found forgiveness, and found eachother again, me and you Momma.......
We have to go to a lot of doctors because you are in pain...me and you Momma...
We have to put all your food in a tube because youre so sick...me and you Momma...
But someday........
some sweet day........
we will both be in Heaven.....
I will hear you sing again......
I will hear you say my name again...
and the best part of it all???
we will walk with Jesus...me and you Momma...
God bless,
and even more... Momma,
There are so many things that I want to say to you...but I havent the words. There are so many ways that I wish I could reach out to you...but I cant because you end up in tears.......
so, I will instead type whats in my heart & pray that it makes sence to you....
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I never ever thought for one second growing up that we would end up the way that we are now. I never thought that you would come into this point of your life where you are in pain, and you can not speak...but here we are...here you are........and I promise HERE I WILL ALWAYS BE.
You are the bravest person that I have ever known...I am so blessed to have you as my Mother...I dont deserve you as a Mother...someone that is better with words or someone that has more money to help you with your finances is someone like you deserve...not me....
When I read about what the doctors say you are going thru with this disease (Lou Gehrigs Disease) it makes me cry every time...why? Because this is too much for anyone to have to bear...especially my Momma....
When I see you struggle to swollow, and breathe it breaks my heart, Momma....I sometimes think that my heart is going to burst because it scares me and it just hurts to know that you are suffering Momma.
Whenever I see you feeding yourself, or I am helping you feed yourself thru your feeding tube, it just breaks my heart Momma because you have always loved food...you have always been just the best cook....to know that you will never be able to taste anything again because your throat muscles have wasted away just tears me up Momma. I just dont know how you stand it Momma...I dont know how you can be so brave because I know that I could never be.
Whenever we sit together on your swing & watch the day go by I close my eyes so that my heart can take a picture for me to have forever because I know that someday, if the Dr.s are right I will be without that time with you Momma...just you and me...I cant imagine my life without coming over there everyday & looking into your blue eyes and telling you how you are 'My best girl'...and seeing you shake your head yes...
I know that you cant smile since your facial muscles have wasted away, but Momma, I sure do love knowing that you are smiling when I see it in your eyes...
I remember when I was little all I wanted was to have blue eyes like yours because they are so beautiful...but for some reason that wasnt ment to be...I remember when I was little someone would say I favored you & I would say 'I hope not'...but now...as I search your knowing face, and look into your haunting blue eyes..I pray for just one little thing about you to show on me so that it will keep me company if the time comes that you arent here with me...
The other day when we heard 'In my daughters eyes' & we cried together was the hardest thing for me...not just because you got choked & couldnt breathe but because I knew what that moment ment to me and you Momma......
I am so sorry that you hurt all of the time Momma...I am so sorry that your life is so miserable physically & I am so sorry that I cant fix it........I wish to God that I could!
they say that we are on borrowed time & I thank God for that time with you so that I can tell you thank you for everything that you have given to me...all that you have shown me.....thank you for leaving Dad when you found out he was mistreating me...thank you for forgiving me for all that I have done to you........
Momma, Im so sorry that my 2 oldest children arent here......its all my fault..if I would have known that this time would come that it didnt look like you would be here for them to come back to, I dont think I would have done it. Im sorry that I took your joy away when I signed them over. Im sorry that I was just thinking that was my only choice...Im so sorry that you never got to rock them, or to see them play ball, and that I am making you miss out so much with them. I am so sorry.
Momma, Im sorry that I ever ever did anything to make you cry. Like now...when you are reading this I know that you will be crying. I am not trying to make you cry....
I just want you to know that I value every second that you are my Mother...please dont give up the fight......
Momma, I promise I got it right...I promise I will be in Heaven...and I dont care how far I have to look for you in Heaven I will find you...I cant live without you...Heaven isnt Heaven without you...
And if it happens that I go before you, I will be in Heaven...waiting on you...I will be at Jesus' feet...just look for me there....
I love you Momma........& I am so thankful that I am your child...momma
I love you!
you know, every single day I cry for you...and its been since October that you've been gone....I keep remembering the last time I touched you, in your casket, and the funeral director said'Do you want to tuck her in with the quilt you made her' and I cry cry cry....... I miss your hugs more than words can say, and this year without you hasnt seemed like much of a year, and I have missed our fellowshipping in my van so much that sometimes I cant even drive it anywhere because I am crying so badly.... I know that you are in Heaven, and I wouldnt want to even bring you back, but my heart is breaking so much that I dont think it will ever stop... I thought I could handle this better, I thought since I knew you were going home, being here without you would be easier.....but its not.... I am so sorry that I had 2 children that were adopted by others, and you never got to know them...its my fault Mommie that you didnt have them to love...I am so sorry that you didnt get to see them, and hold them, and be with them like you were with my youngest 2 right up until the end....I dont think I will ever forgive myself for that... I am so sorry for all of the times I made you cry....all of the times that I let you down... every time I go out to your grave, I lay down by your headstone just like I use to lay down by you when you were here, but I get no hugs now Mommie...I get no excited looks...I get no more of you Mommie.... Oh I miss you........I miss you...I miss you more than words can say... Lord please help me.......my heart hurts so.
