For already divorced persons.. :)

[peacechild4]

After a long up/down marriage for 18 years.. my husband left.. finally getting counselling.. but not yet have faced divorce.. still separated..

I get a big rush of the most amazing freedom and peace when I think of being free of this marriage and all the struggles for a very very very long time..

I have been stuck for ever so long and struggling..

I sometimes wonder will I feel better if I divorce and if that will finally mean I can move on..

He my husband is in no way wanting to come back together.. he wants me to change.. and unless I do certain things will not even consider it..

Never talks of love.. or wanting to be with me and the kids.. just about me changing..

The counselling is helping get over the abuse and self struggles I have since coming out of this marriage..

It would be helpful though to know if you had troubled marriages how it felt to be divorced..

I have prayed along time for this man.. almost all our marriage and although I hung on and on and on.. and prayed and believed my heart out.. still he has left and moved on..

Maybe it is necessary to just put this behind me..

 

[peacechild4]

Wow 79 persons viewed this.. no divorced person obviously..

I guess that is a good thing..

 

[McScribe]

Not really; it's just that it's a feeling that is shameful in the eyes of people who are experiencing it. There's a stigma to struggling with life in Western culture for the most part. If you are struggling with depression or divorce or something like that there's possibly the feeling that it's catching.

I feel that way. I feel such a confusion of feelings I don't know how to sort them out. I hate the thought of going to a counselor; it's an admission of failure that you can't deal with on your own.

I was looking at some old facebook exchanges from two and a half years ago, and I'm bewildered. How did things change so much? I don't know. Neither does she. She just knows she became anxious about everything and then found hope and love in another woman. Trying to figure things out made things worse.

You know I read all these relationship books, went to courses, talked to other people, got feedback, tried to learn a whole new way of speaking and behaving. None of this did any real good. You see when we first started dating, when we were in love, she felt I was supportive then. I did nothing different after that. So I guess there's a feeling that there's not a lot to say. It's like having been swept up in a war or something--the causes, the results seem beyond you somehow. It's like the only thing you can do is psych yourself up into starting living afresh.

 

[peacechild4]

Oh brother I can feel your pain.. thanks for responding this is such an important step no matter how the world in general views it.. thank you please know it means so much.. you are on face book so am I.. would love to add you if you want another crazy friend..

I think sometimes we just marry the wrong person at the beginning.. I was sitting with my husband last night as I dropped off the kids.. we really do have little in common.. that does not help.. we still feel things.. but that is not really enough you know..

He doesn't want to come back.. says I have too many issues.. sigh.. I think every single person in the world does.. including him.. but hey I can start again..

This time I am not young and stupid.. LOL.. older and stupid now.. LOL.. just kidding.. humor helps so much..

Counselling is really helpful and much easier then I thought.. I have told her some really weeird stuff.. you know stuff we go through.. and she does not ever condemn me.. more listens.. and validates me.. and I am nodding.. yes.. yes that is exactly how I feel..

And made me look at things differently..

Seeing my husband differently.. and how we were... and we didn't connect really.. two separate people in a house.. sigh..

I am at his house now.. using his computer.. just dropped in some clothes for the kids.. he lets me use this.. and I make the most of that when I am here..

I think if you found some special person.. who loves you for you.. and you her.. and you just go and enjoy it.. Unconditional love with someone who likes the same things you do.. I am so sure there is love out there that just flows.. and is not a really really hard work all the time which our marriage was.. sorry it is flowing right now..

How I see counselling is.. I want to get well.. I want to live my life and enjoy it.. and because of the confusion of my marriage and the stuff that went on.. abuse.. and all.. I need some direction..

I will send you my name via pm if you want to add me to face book.. but no pressure hey ok.. I just do not know when I can get back.. funnily enough most people have computers these days and they are kind to let me use them.. I can get fb on my phone.. so use it all the time to connect with the world..

Ok I am addict.. but a nice one.. LOL

 

[McScribe]

Ah, I see. Well thanks for the return message.

At the moment I struggle with loving someone who doesn't love me back, or at least not in a way that could have us be husband and wife. It feels very foolish; I can look back at how things were and look at how things were more recently and how they are now--and it tells me where she's at. Doesn't seem to affect my emotions towards her. When does that stop?

 

[peacechild4]

Oh heck I do not know.. sigh.. quite easily I could just fall into intimacy with my husband.. cause all the emotions are there.. but he can so easily just walk away and not see me till I or he are picking up kids.. or dropping off kids.. no messages... nothing else.. no other concern....

I guess we have gotta be smart about our feelings.. GOD says we are to live by our faith not feelings so HE must know that feelings can be wrong..

People say that because I have been married for so long those things don't just automatically end.. I guess if she is not loving you back.. that is a big sign that she is not ever going to feel that way.. I waited along time for so much more then this.. sometimes you have to let go for your sanity..

Someone posted this on face book and I reposted it.. it is really good..

"A heartbreak is a blessing from God. It's just His way of letting you realise that He saved you from the wrong one."

 

[confusedbutloved]

Hi, since I'm newly divorced I can't tell you too much what it's like, except that for me it is painful and I think it will be for a long time. I started Divorce Recovery classes at my church last week and there is teaching as well as interaction with the group that you are assigned to. I didn't participate in the question/answer session that night, I guess it comes with time, and actually I prayed beforehand that I could just listen to what others are going through and learn what the Lord would say about all of this. since that class, I have been praying, journaling, staying in the Word more and thinking about what was taught to me that night. I know that we both made mistakes in this marriage and I guess what is taking me time is figuring out what now, how do I go on. The one thing that really struck me in that class is that I need to pray and ask the Lord to help me and that He guide me on how to build a strong foundation for myself and my children. I don't want to build my life back on my own, because I never want for it to fall apart like this again, I want a strong foundatoin that cannot be shaken and that is with the Lord at the head of my household and building on this new part of my life with His help, His way, and not my own. I also learned that I have done what many people do during or after a divorce, I have totally isolated myself, don't answer the phone, don't talk to even my family about it, I've said more here than anywhere, but it's important to have a strong, safe, support system. My new ex and I have spoken several times on the phone about my son and are both supportive of each other where my son is concerned since they are so close, not seeing us in conflict right now I really believe is helping my son. I think that if you have any kind of divorce recovery group that it would be helpful, you don't necessarily have to be divorced yet to be in many of them, but I think it's helpful so that we can rebuild our lives, the most important lesson I took away was that I need to rebuild this life with God's help and with a strong foundation for my family's sake, I'm still grieving, yet many in my divorce recovery group, who have now taken it for a second itme especially are looking forward to a new life and excited to see what God will do in that life. Dr. Henry Cloud was at my church today and spoke of divorce and the one thing that grabbed my attention and gave me more peace is when my Pastor closed with the remark that even in divorce, always remember Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"

God Bless you and your family as you go through this difficult time in your life.

 

[suzybeezy]

I can speak having gone through a horrible marriage/divorce and now have been happily married for 13 years. It was so tough at first getting divorce, I felt like a failure and did a lot of why me type stuff with God. Tough dealing with judgement from other Christians, especially those who are so vocal against divorce, not understanding that God did provide provisions (nm, that will turn into a debate). It hurt me even more when my ex started dating, talk about a dagger through the heart. I really struggled with why wasn't I enough, why didn't it work, alot of self-blame, which then turned to anger and bitterness towards the ex, which evolved in to loneliness and sorrow. It was alot needless to say.

But what got me through it was getting on my knees and surrendering my will. I literally said to God "ok, God, I've tried it my way, it hasn't worked, I'll let you take control.". It was such a complete surrender, there was utter brokeness. I kid you not, just two weeks later, out of the blue, this man came into my life and it became abundantly clear this was the person God had planned for me all along. Now I know I had to go through what I went through in that marriage to get me to the place where I grew spiritually and emotionally and maturity-wise that I could accept what He had planned for me. It was just so amazing, once I got out of His way, what works he could do in me, and how wonderfully he blessed me. This marriage is soooo much different. He loves me in a way I couldn't have imagined. Yep we have our daily struggles, but I know can rest in the confidence that God truly put us together and that with His help, we can overcome any obstacle that comes to our marriage.

So I encourage those in the beginning or middle of this, if you need to cry, know that God's shoulder is ALWAYS there for you, waiting for you to reach out and lean on.

 

[mjmcmillan]

Second time through the storm. This time the ride is a bit (OK, a lot) rougher than it was the first time around. This time I don't have family close by for support since my parents have been dead for a few years now and my youngest brother and my sister have both moved out-of-state. So, I'm depending on church friends for whatever help/prayersupport/you name it I might need.

This time around it bankrupted me, so I have that to deal with too. Then there's the rejection, being lied to and lied about and being cursed and so on. I try not to think on these things much because it hurts too much when I do.

I guess this isn't really much help, but then the wounds are still fresh. It hasn't been two years since I had to leave (or else), and the divorce is barely a year since it became final. I've been single and celibate since, not even dating (no money and getting badly burned combine to make me hesitant to try again).

 

[peacechild4]

I am going to be really open with you all.. I love you.. I need to say that too.. this is one of those unspoken hurts out there Believers and non Believer alike suffer through.. and ohh how they suffer.. but how many refuse to deal with it... or talk about and that just adds so much pain to an already big load.. this is a ministry in itself.. just being there to talk and listen without judgment.. to love on you all..

You are all so brave.. so very very brave..

My husband and I lost our baby son.. in 1997... he had heart/lung issues.. and they could not fix him.. they suggested turning off his life support.. he was two months old..

I do not believe in doing that just as I do not believe in divorce..but because GOD gave me peace at the time.. supernatural peace and also we believed that he was suffering and why let him suffer just to keep him alive.. we went ahead and agreed with the drs..

GOD reminded me that I can do this.. divorce.. cause I did a hard thing back then too.. and GOD gave me peace for this childs death even to the extent gave me signs and helps so I knew it was all ok.

Some people hated what we did.. as if it was not hard enough turning off life support.. we loved our son.. And some people I know want me to hang in there all the way through this even if my husband never comes back.. yet they are not there helping me do it..

The reason I share this is because I know I can divorce.. even though it is not what I wanted or what I even believe in.. GOD showed me I do not have to be afraid.. HE is with me.. HE too has given me peace for this..

My husband won't divorce me.. he won't pay... he has a job.. income.. yet I have the four kids.. no money and bills up to here.. and sigh.. I still have to do all the hard stuff.

GOD is with us peoples.. and I do believe he uses things even as hard as this to help us through our lives to get to a better place.. HE will be with us.. love cancels fear..

 

[peacechild4]

"A heartbreak is a blessing from God. It's just His way of letting you realise that He saved you from the wrong one."

 

[LisaStreet]

You gotta get back on the horse...

 

[actionsub]

After a long up/down marriage for 18 years.. my husband left.. finally getting counselling.. but not yet have faced divorce.. still separated..

I get a big rush of the most amazing freedom and peace when I think of being free of this marriage and all the struggles for a very very very long time..

I have been stuck for ever so long and struggling..

I sometimes wonder will I feel better if I divorce and if that will finally mean I can move on..

He my husband is in no way wanting to come back together.. he wants me to change.. and unless I do certain things will not even consider it..

Never talks of love.. or wanting to be with me and the kids.. just about me changing..

The counselling is helping get over the abuse and self struggles I have since coming out of this marriage..

It would be helpful though to know if you had troubled marriages how it felt to be divorced..

I have prayed along time for this man.. almost all our marriage and although I hung on and on and on.. and prayed and believed my heart out.. still he has left and moved on..

Maybe it is necessary to just put this behind me..

You will feel relief at first, relief from the stress.
Then the shock comes, and it is probably as horrible a feeling as one can have; so don't be surprised at how much it hurts.
You will be second-guessed by many, rejected by a few who fear that divorce is contagious; and be left with a remnant of friends who will be there for you. Cherish them, for they will be your lifeline.
Stay in counseling, you will need the support of a listening ear.

That was my experience at least.

 

[peacechild4]

You will feel relief at first, relief from the stress.
Then the shock comes, and it is probably as horrible a feeling as one can have; so don't be surprised at how much it hurts.
You will be second-guessed by many, rejected by a few who fear that divorce is contagious; and be left with a remnant of friends who will be there for you. Cherish them, for they will be your lifeline.
Stay in counseling, you will need the support of a listening ear.

That was my experience at least.

Thank you for replying..

I am sure there will be a lot of relief.. only today.. I was having fun with my kids.. and I realize the situation was such a normal every day situation..

But for so long I have not enjoyed things like this as I could..

I truly believe that everything.. has been such a stress and strain on me.. holding the family together..

That as things settle down.. it is better for all of us in many ways...

Not trying to put him down.. my husband.. but often he was absentee in the house and family even when he was there..

I cry for what he is missing.. but he wants a single do what he likes life.. sigh..

I am just going to enjoy it and be the best parent I can for my children.. I am blessed to enjoy them always and love on them..