Fitting In

[JeanR]

Do you all feel like you don't fit in anywhere?

People are very nice, especially my church family. I'm not being shunned by people or anything like that. But, I just feel lost. Who am I? I was a couple, now I'm not. I don't feel single, but I am. I'm a parent, but my kids are adults. Most widows I know are much older and I don't really have anything in common them, except that I am a widow.

I hate this transition!!!!!!! I just want to be married. I miss sharing dinner with my husband. I hate getting into an empty bed. It is so hard going to church. We had the viewing in the sanctuary and all I can see is his casket. I walk through the auditorium and I see him running the pinewood derby for Pioneer Clubs. I walk into the church office and I see him sitting at the desk paying the church's bills. I walk through the classrooms and I see him teaching a lesson to the little kids. I'm thinking of attending another church, but our church is where we have worshiped for the last 26 years. This is just too hard.

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

I understand JeanR. I have some of the same problems. Ginger's viewing was also in our sanctuary. They had a big picture of us up on the video display, which is the same thing we use to project the words to the hyms during worship. I find myself sometimes looking at the words but seeing our picture up there. We recently started a new Sunday School quarter and I thought about trying this new class that was starting up. The first Sunday it was about "How to stregthen your marriage". Boy did I feel like the odd man out. We have a widow/widowers class as well and like yours they are mostly much older than I. Sometimes I feel like asking God "Why me at my age?". My whole church family has been and continues to be incredible to me and the children, but like you often I just don't feel like I fit in. In response to these feelings, I feel we are in training of sorts. God is teaching us something new, I don't know the details of the whats or whys, but have faith that it is something for the expansion of His Kingdom. Yes, it is hard. Often times very hard, but these are often times when we learn the most. You know how the bible talks about pruning to make the plant more productive? I think in some way God is pruning us, teaching us. I have had several opportunities to be a witness to His love because of what happened to us, loosing our Ginger. Always remember, we do have a purpose, a wonderful and perfect purpose and God is always in control. Romans 8:28 says that all good things come to those who love God and are the called according to His purpose. This is a time in our life that makes a single piece of the jigsaw puzzle. We don't know what role this one piece plays in the big picture, but God painted the picture and cut out the pieces. HE KNOWS! Remember also, that He said it wouldn't be easy, but also said He would never leave us. Have faith my dear, continue to weather the storm and ask God "What are you teaching me through this?" and He will show you, in His time. I'm praying for you. Press On!

 

[faithgoeson]

Do you all feel like you don't fit in anywhere?

People are very nice, especially my church family. I'm not being shunned by people or anything like that. But, I just feel lost. Who am I? I was a couple, now I'm not. I don't feel single, but I am. I'm a parent, but my kids are adults. Most widows I know are much older and I don't really have anything in common them, except that I am a widow.

I hate this transition!!!!!!! I just want to be married. I miss sharing dinner with my husband. I hate getting into an empty bed. It is so hard going to church. We had the viewing in the sanctuary and all I can see is his casket. I walk through the auditorium and I see him running the pinewood derby for Pioneer Clubs. I walk into the church office and I see him sitting at the desk paying the church's bills. I walk through the classrooms and I see him teaching a lesson to the little kids. I'm thinking of attending another church, but our church is where we have worshiped for the last 26 years. This is just too hard.

I had to stop going to our church after my husband died. I just couldn't take the memories everywhere I looked. Sometimes, you just have to look out for you.
As far as fitting in, I haven't fit in anywhere in over 5 yrs. Being widowed at 25, I sure didn't belong in a widows group. I certainly have nothing in common with people my age, even now at 31. You end up feeling like an alien on Earth. The most important thing, though, is to remember there is a place we fit in. That place is God's Kingdom, and there are many things we can do to help lead others to Him. God always accepts us, never judges us, and He can truly be your best friend. Please know we are all praying for you. Grief is such an ugly thing. God bless you.

 

[Missinyou]

I have been alone for just over six months now and it has gotten easier, though not much. I too had those "odd man out" feelings when I was driving the 380 miles to spend Thanksgiving with Patsy's family. I was going to be the extra player on the card teams, the one who had to speak in singular in "couple" conversations, and on and on...but things worked out okay. I suspect it may be harder for a widow than for a widower to fit in. I pray that you find a way to get over that. I have found two things that get me through the days and nights. First, a day doesn't go by that I don't ask God to give me the strength to make it through just one more day. It seems almost immediate that the tears dry up and I'm able to focus my thoughts in another direction. Prayer and reading my Bible gets me through the days. The second thing is that I started doing something that lets me be independant, even in a group, and the age of the group doesn't matter. I bought a motor cycle and plan on doing some touring this next summer. The riders I know come from all different age groups, some are married, and some are single. I'm not saying you should become a motor cycle rider, but try to find something that will let you be independant, even in a group, until the Lord sends you someone to keep you company, if that's His plan. I know He did a pretty good job of picking the last one for me, and perhaps someday He will send another one my way, but at this point, I don't want Him to hurry. My prayers are with you and I know that God has a plan for us all so just hang in there. Remember that God will not bring us to anything that He can't bring us through.

 

[ezylemon]

JeanR,
I found you, thank you for your reply.
I too feel that odd man out feeling. I went to teh elders meeting with the 3 other couples and cried all the way home. It's been 4 weeks yesterday I lost him. It's so hard.
Isaiah 54:5 is the verse I hang unto now.
I know I am still here for reasons only God knows but it is so awkward.
Bless you dear, I pray it gets easier for all of us.

 

[JeanR]

I'm glad you found our forum, ezylemon. There are good people here who know what you are going through. You will find comfort here.

The verse that I have clung to is 1 Peter 1:6-9, In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

God has been faithful to me. There are so many events over the last year that didn't make sense then, but now I know God was preparing me for Terry's passing. This transition is so difficult, but I know that God is "refining" me.

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Ok, I've been in a new Sunday school class the past few weeks and everytime I go in there I automatically become uncomfortable. It's a class designed for 30 year olds per say with children who are not yet grown and on their own or in college. When I first read about it in the church bulletin, it sounded like a good fit for me. The first weeks topic was on "How to strengthen your marriage". That one pretty much had me shifting in my seat the entire class. Last week was somewhat of a continuation of the first, but it got a lot more into specific things between a husband and wife. Things like specific roles each plays in the marriage and in the home, how your children learn from you, etc. etc. For some reason I got the strange and nerve racking feeling that everyone was looking at me. I know they were not, but it's just that feeling, you know? And the instructor will sometimes ask a question or someone in the class will elaborate on some particular thing with their spouse, and boy do I feel like a turnip in an onion patch! I guess to sit and listen to others "Normal" married life is just too much for me right now. I just don't fit in with this class. On the funny side though, I watched a christmas cartoon tonight, you know the one where there is a "Land of Misfit Toys"? Yeah, I kinda feel like the little train with square wheels. God tells me that I do fit in, at least in His Kindom. I guess I'm just feeling a little left out to some extint.

 

[JeanR]

I know how you feel. I never realized how "couple" oriented our society is. I have not gone to Sunday School recently because it is all couples. It makes me wonder how sensitive I was in the past to people who are single--whether never married, divorced, or widowed. I lived in a couple world.

I still feel like I am in the receiving line. People mean well, I know they are concerned, but I just want to be treated normally. Just for once I would like to walk in a room and people do not tilt their head and say, "just how are you doing?". My husband is dead and I feel like crap, but I end up assuring them that we'll be alright.

Well, that's my venting for tonight!

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

I know how you feel. I never realized how "couple" oriented our society is. I have not gone to Sunday School recently because it is all couples. It makes me wonder how sensitive I was in the past to people who are single--whether never married, divorced, or widowed. I lived in a couple world.

I still feel like I am in the receiving line. People mean well, I know they are concerned, but I just want to be treated normally. Just for once I would like to walk in a room and people do not tilt their head and say, "just how are you doing?". My husband is dead and I feel like crap, but I end up assuring them that we'll be alright.

Well, that's my venting for tonight!

LOL! I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I think I'm going to crack open if I hear that one more time. I think it would be easier if they just ignored me sometimes.

 

[pauldst]

Having been single until I was almost 37 I know all about how couple oriented church is. It is definitely something married people need to pay more attention to.

On the plus side, my long experience being single does help with being single again.

 

[Argent]

Do you all feel like you don't fit in anywhere?

People are very nice, especially my church family. I'm not being shunned by people or anything like that. But, I just feel lost. Who am I? I was a couple, now I'm not. I don't feel single, but I am. I'm a parent, but my kids are adults. Most widows I know are much older and I don't really have anything in common them, except that I am a widow.

I hate this transition!!!!!!! I just want to be married. I miss sharing dinner with my husband. I hate getting into an empty bed. It is so hard going to church. We had the viewing in the sanctuary and all I can see is his casket. I walk through the auditorium and I see him running the pinewood derby for Pioneer Clubs. I walk into the church office and I see him sitting at the desk paying the church's bills. I walk through the classrooms and I see him teaching a lesson to the little kids. I'm thinking of attending another church, but our church is where we have worshiped for the last 26 years. This is just too hard.

It was odd in a spiritually/mystical way, but God led me to a newish church that is full of 20- and 30-somethings. I'm deffinitely one of the oldest members. I wasn't expecting it at all, but I'm now "big brother" to about 100 young guys starting careers in the city and preparing for marriage and fatherhood. It's a lot like being a "father figure", but it's actually a lot easier than that. I'm in the "older brother" type role, where I get to guide them, but be cool about it. Changing churches was the best thing for me.

 

[JeanR]

I am just getting home from a session with my grief counselor, so I am a little bit weepy. That's probably going to show through this message.

I am starting to feel a bit stronger, a little more steady on my feet. People are still asking me how I am doing, but I am able to handle it a bit better now.

I'm still trying to find my place at church. My church family, especially my two best friends, have helped me so much. I can actually sit through our church service now and not picture his open coffin in the sanctuary. It still hurts to see his empty mailbox in the church office. Our church has not yet replaced him on the Trustee Board. I don't think they are quite ready to do that yet. I know how they feel.

Ok, I know I'm weepy. Sorry, got to go have a cry.

Jean

 

[Redemptionsong]

I completely understand what everyone is saying here. We had my wife's viewing in our sanctuary. Everytime I look at the pulpit I see her casket in front of it. When we eat lunch after the service I see all the happy families together. I have my little girls, but it's just not the same. When my girls go off to chase the other kids around I'm alone. I'm not the only widower there, but the other one is old enough to be my father. The married men are nice, but i don't know what to say to them. The singles are all younger people. I don't really have anything in common with them. The young men are all cut from a different cloth from me.

 

[JeanR]

Welcome, Redemptionsong

My husband died suddenly on October 9, 2006. It has gotten better at church. I can actually talk to people without bursting into tears. This forum has helped me tremendously.

The past 4 months have truly been a roller coaster. Just when you think everything is smoothing out, you take a nosedive. But, the Lord gets you through each day.

 

[Bevlina]

The first thing I was told when I became a young widow was " don't let people see you cry, it makes them feel uncomfortable." It sort of shook me a bit, so I shied away from people as the last thing I wanted was to make them feel uncomfortable. The song "One Day At A Time" helped me though what I think was the most difficult in my life.

 

[Redemptionsong]

I have my ups and downs. Everything is still up in the air for me. We might be moving soon, but I'm not sure yet. It's been a blessing to find this forum. I don't have to explain how I feel to you guys, you all know exactly how I feel. (To be frank, I'm tired of people coming up and saying, "I can't possibly understand how you feel now, but..." I know they mean well, but it's annoying.) I feel like I want to be alone, but when I am I seek people out.

 

[Missinyou]

The first thing I was told when I became a young widow was " don't let people see you cry, it makes them feel uncomfortable." It sort of shook me a bit, so I shied away from people as the last thing I wanted was to make them feel uncomfortable. The song "One Day At A Time" helped me though what I think was the most difficult in my life.

That is one of my most favorite songs and Christy Lane is my favorite singer. I love every song she sings. If you want a good cry, listen to her singing "I'm With You Tonight". I about wore that one out, right after my wife passed away in June, and I played it at her memorial service. I still get all teary eyed when I play it, but at least I don't fall completely apart like I used to. I like the song because I know that's exactly how my wife is feeling right now as she looks down from God's Kingdom.
God bless,
Missinyou

 

[Missinyou]

I have my ups and downs. Everything is still up in the air for me. We might be moving soon, but I'm not sure yet. It's been a blessing to find this forum. I don't have to explain how I feel to you guys, you all know exactly how I feel. (To be frank, I'm tired of people coming up and saying, "I can't possibly understand how you feel now, but..." I know they mean well, but it's annoying.) I feel like I want to be alone, but when I am I seek people out.

I know what you mean about wanting to be alone but then looking for company when you are. I couldn't wait till all the company left after my wife passed away. I just wanted to be alone to get my life sorted out and try to figure out how I was going to go on, but when the last car left, it hadn't turned the corner at the end of block when I was reaching for the car keys. Even today I have trouble with it. My son asked me the other day (actually Super Bowl Sunday) why I hated him so much that I never wanted to hang around their house. Of course he was only joking.. so I told him how much I loved him but it's just that when I'm away from home, I want to be home, but when I get there, I want to be somewhere else...and it's driving me crazy.... Anway, chin up and keep the faith in our Lord. He's going to lead us through this.
Missinyou

 

[JeanR]

Randy Travis' song, "I Can See It In Your Eyes" is the song that has gotten me through. It is about a spouse who is dying and having to say good-bye. I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to Terry and this song helped. I also had this song played at his memorial service.

When Terry left me at Wendy's that night, his last words to me were, "I'll see you in the morning, I'll be asleep when you get home". I teased back that I wouldn't be that late. He walked away from me laughing and whistling.

Another song that meant a great deal to us was Shania Twain's song, "You're Still the One."

 

[Missinyou]

This may seem odd, but the last words to my wife, as I was leaving the IC room and she was setting up in the bed, was "I think this is where you're supposed to say toughen up little buckaroo..." My eyes were too full of tears to see because the doctor had not given us much hope of her making it, but the nurse told me later that Patsy winked at me.
I will have to find that song by Randy Travis. I don't seem to have enough to torture myself with already..
God Bless you all,
Missinyou