Finding the old ideas hard to be rid of

[TheMainException]

I was really feeling free and happy about ditching the drugs and stuff. Now I'm feeling like it was stupid (the same idea I had before I dumped it). I only found it freeing for a few days. It's so easy to pick back up old ideas this close to dropping them...like bad habits. I have too much work to do, so I don't actually want to do anything right now, but I'm just mad that I allowed so much stuff to go to waste...someone would have enjoyed using it...and I would have enjoyed having that money back.

I know...there are a million reasons to combat my reasoning...I KNOW. Argh. But I also know that reason just doesn't work in this place. I had to remove reasoning in order to dump it...I had to clear my head of all the screaming and noise telling me to stop and ignore the help I was receiving, to hold onto it. I silenced it all and dumped it...and now the screaming is back (not literal of course, but it just feels noisy in my head).

I have to get back to praying more...I've been talking about this with my friends, the people who are supporting me in this. They are awesome. I wouldn't have ever been able to do this without them. The one thing that bothers me is that I declared one month free of substances...only one month. One month is easy...I'm not dependent on any substance, but I do abuse some of them from time to time. So, once this month ends...I might go back to doing drugs and drinking, hopefully not like I used to, but that's what I'm getting drug and alcohol counseling...in hopes that I can change my thoughts and ideas about drinking and drugs and make better choices...

Just a day at a time tho I guess...I won't focus on the end of this clean month just yet. Focus on the now, changing my ideas first.

 

[spr]

If you have other people around who might prey on your weakness I could understand you thinking you will start using again, but you have the support of others. If you go back to those people who's to say you will find you way back again?

You have Christian friends, and you know God desires self sacrificing people to serve him. If you exchange that for dope how will you feel afterwards? Notice what happens to Judas after he betrayed the Lord and bought land with his reward:

Acts 1:16-20 “Men and brethren, this Scripture had to be fulfilled, which the Holy Spirit spoke before by the mouth of David concerning Judas, who became a guide to those who arrested Jesus; for he was numbered with us and obtained a part in this ministry.”
(Now this man purchased a field with the wages of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst open in the middle and all his entrails gushed out. And it became known to all those dwelling in Jerusalem; so that field is called in their own language, Akel Dama, that is, Field of Blood.)
“For it is written in the Book of Psalms:
‘ Let his dwelling place be desolate,
And let no one live in it’;
and,

‘ Let another take his office.’

And look at what happens to the couple who make a pact together to secretly withhold some money they pledged to the church:

Acts 5:1-11 But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession. And he kept back part of the proceeds, his wife also being aware of it, and brought a certain part and laid it at the apostles’ feet. But Peter said, “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and keep back part of the price of the land for yourself? While it remained, was it not your own? And after it was sold, was it not in your own control? Why have you conceived this thing in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God.”
Then Ananias, hearing these words, fell down and breathed his last. So great fear came upon all those who heard these things. And the young men arose and wrapped him up, carried him out, and buried him.
Now it was about three hours later when his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. And Peter answered her, “Tell me whether you sold the land for so much?”
She said, “Yes, for so much.”
Then Peter said to her, “How is it that you have agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord? Look, the feet of those who have buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out.” Then immediately she fell down at his feet and breathed her last. And the young men came in and found her dead, and carrying her out, buried her by her husband. So great fear came upon all the church and upon all who heard these things.

Salvation can be lost:

Hebrews 6:4-7 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.
For the earth which drinks in the rain that often comes upon it, and bears herbs useful for those by whom it is cultivated, receives blessing from God; but if it bears thorns and briers, it is rejected and near to being cursed, whose end is to be burned.

 

[TheMainException]

I don't believe in being able to lose salvation all too easily. It takes a tad more work than simply using drugs. I'm not wasting my life away in constant drunkenness or being high all the time. Something I still believe, that I'm not sure is a lie or a truth that I have to continue to discuss with God is that drugs are not innately wrong to use.

It's not about going back to old people or places.....I don't exactly have drug "places" and "people," although there are typical people I hang out with to do those things, but I also did most of the drug and alcohol usage alone or regardless of people and place (not at church or something, but I think you understand basically). I haven't changed people or places since stopping, I've just let a greater number of people know about my decision. That's what makes this hard.

 

[spr]

1Corinthians 5:11 But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person.

1Corinthians 6:9-10 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.

If you associate with people who do any of the previously mentioned things and are tempted to do them, you obviously have to break company with those people.

And if you still continue to do them, and will not repent, you will go to hell.

 

[madison1101]

I do not believe that we lose our salvation at all. I believe we lose rewards and blessings, but not eternal salvation.

That said, Main, it is very easy to lose our focus in recovery. That is why I tried to make so many AA meetings while I was in treatment, and even now, schedule and health permitting. Being surrounded by recovering people and hearing talk about recovery is like an injection of health in my stinking thinking.

Get your mind filled with scripture and recovery material. Stop focusing on the obsession of using, and start focusing on being with the Lord in one Spirit.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[TheMainException]

Thanks SPR, you are more than helpful, but not in this case. Taking verses out of context and stabbing them at me merely hurts me. Applicable wisdom in a kind and understanding manner might be more appreciated. I'm sorry I can't really accept these words in this way. Also, I am called to eat meals with drunkards and drug users (maybe not right now, but it's something God is calling me to do, which is why I need to stay on target with recovery...it will be many years before I sit down to dinner at a bar with a drunkard or drug abuser and remain firm in the convictions of Christ)...but by throwing biblical spears at me (cuz that's what it feels like), I just feel like I'm losing blood.

Thanks Trish...I will make a greater attempt at that...just to focus on God and keep my support around me...

 

[spr]

That's the point. The scripture is clear, and it's better to break with a dead life sooner than later. And whether later is even possible isn't worth betting on.

 

[TheMainException]

spr...are you recovering from addiction/dependence/abuse of drugs or alcohol?

 

[spr]

No, but I have used drugs before. All the people I used to know that used them reject God and have scattered into different places. I would like to know them again, but I wont give a platform to their doubting of God. I count it the power of God that I was able to be freed of them and no longer influenced by them.

 

[TheMainException]

SPR...I am not attempting to return to a life of being drunk all the time or high all the time...that would be drunkenness as referred to in the Bible...but being tipsy is something I may return to with time...I most likely will be able to use alcohol one day. And many may not agree with my idea that maybe substances at their core were meant to be used for good and not evil. (I may not even agree with that concept in time). The bible does not say that USE is sinful, but that OVERUSE, ABUSE, MISUSE is sinful.

 

[BobW188]

Good.

Now, let's get down to it. Of course you are finding the old ideas hard to be rid of! And you're going to continue to find them hard to get rid of for some time to come. In fact, after years they'll now and again slip into your head. The trick is simply not to act on them; and what helps with that is remembering the long-term consequences that would come from acting on it.

I remember once, when I was about two years sober, my wife and I went down to DC's National Airport to catch a flight home to find that not only had the airline sent an airplane for the purpose, it had told all its counter clerks that it wasn't; and to stay home. The clerks for a competing airline thus had some 150 people dumped on them in addition to their normal workload and took several hours to get everybody rebooked - not all that many on their airline. What had been a direct flight now involved a plane and terminal change at O'Hare on a holiday weekend. By the time we were actually seated on that airplane, a drink (stinger, straight up) sounded very good.

It's times like that you have to remember how one on that airplane would have ended up as whole bottles in a week with all the puking, hangovers, people troubles, etc etc ad inf.

You see, these thoughts of yours are habitual and, like any bad habit, are going to take time to break and will now and then raise their horned heads. Jesus put it nicely: "Get the behind me, Satan!" (And probably won't mind if you use even stronger language.)

 

[Mayflower1]

Hey, Main Exception needs our support right now. One month is very good hun. Don't give up.

we are here for you.

 

[I'ddie4him2]

MOD HAT ON !!!!

Thread is hereby closed for review, You will be notified when it reopens.

MOD HAT OFF !!!!

 

[BlessEwe]

Thread Cleanup and reopened

 

[TheMainException]

It's times like that you have to remember how one on that airplane would have ended up as whole bottles in a week with all the puking, hangovers, people troubles, etc etc ad inf.

The thing is though Bob, having one drink doesn't always necessarily mean I'll fall off the boat and start drinking my brain cells down the toilet, throwing up and having hangovers. Hangovers, puking, and excessive drinking are relatively rare. One of my biggest problems is boredom and apathy. I only really have a problem with alcohol and basically not at all with drugs. I end up eating too much for the same reason very often. What compounds this most of the time is a large variety of other things that I'm trying to work out. I can easily have one or two drinks and not drink then for another week or more until another opportunity comes up. So, what I can't do is have alcohol in my room cuz then I just drink it and don't even bother to pay attention to how much I'm drinking...

I really can't wait to get to the drug and alcohol place and talk to the counselor there and see how that goes.

 

[BobW188]

But your response to boredom and apathy is to eat or drink, lose track and control. Again, it's both habit and thought pattern, in its way one of the "old ideas" itself. Kick it around with your counsellor - and keep in mind that boredom was one of the chief reasons we gave for drinking ... and in many cases still give for eating.

Hang in there!

 

[RuthD]

I know I eat and smoke out of boredom. I love food but my body doesn't! I realize that alcohol use can be out of boredom too. With addictions we really need to find things to replace them like new hobbies, etc. We also need to fix what is wrong in our lives if we can. Counseling helps for that.

 

[TheMainException]

Yea...this past week, being thanksgiving, I was at home and got a chance to pick up a collection of the things I wrote when I was younger. I've been reading through some of it and man...I was a messed up kid. I didn't realize how much pain I wrote about. Some of it really really scares me. I mean, heck, if I didn't know exactly when I started doing drugs, I'd say that I had already been doing drugs when I was in elementary school...it is that far out...just incredible insane, so much anger and depression and anxiety. I really had no idea...I knew there was a lot of bad, but I don't remember all that...it must have been rougher than I realize. I'm trying so hard to get a grip on my childhood...I know it has a lot to do with why things are like this today.