Finding Hope. Really appreciate response.

Hey brothers / sisters,

I'm writing about something huge, that unfortunately I don't have time to go into every detail about. I'm going to attempt to sum most of it up quickly so here it goes. (i apologize for its quickness)

I'm 19 years old, male, and consider myself a born-again Christian and a follower of Christ. I've struggled with homosexuality for quite some time now. Around a year ago, I made a series of bad decisions, which included multiple sexual encounters with other guys my age. I freaked out and worried that I possibly could have had an encounter with HIV. Now, I want to stress, I more than worried, I killed myself over the possiblity. Absolutely dreaded, became obsessesed, extremely guilt stricken and worried that God wanted to punish me.

A good amount of time passed, months with anguish, and I got tested for HIV. The result negative. Time passed again, as I got another test to ensure, once again negative. I ended up getting tested twice more, both negative. Now with that said, during those times of testing, I was more than striken with guilt, fear, and always pleading with God to forgive me. At the same time, although at times I accepted His grace, I would consistently screw up, by looking at porn online, many times gay porn. A consistent cycle, of "screwing up" and begging for forgivness, a cycle many of us know.

This brings me to where I'm at today. It should be said, that I've be diagnosed with OCD. I tend to be obsessive about things, dangerously obsessive. My thoughts can be destructing to myself, my life, my relationships. During my last HIV test, I freaked out and this thought came into my head: "if I don't pray that God gives me HIV if I look at gay porn again, than I don't really want to quit." I thought back to myself "no, I don't want to pray that because I know I may screw up again, I know my sinful nature." But the thought persisted and than said "if I don't pray that God gives me HIV the next time I look at gay porn, than this test will come back positive" (granted this is during the time I was waiting for results). I fought that thought with everything I could but it kept coming, repeating "if you don't pray that God GIVES YOU HIV the next time you screw up, you're going to come back positive." The thought began to dominate, remember I said I tend to have obessive thoughts.

I ended up just saying it, "praying it" even though I didn't want to believe it. Sure enough this test (now the 4th) came back negative, and everything is seemingly ok. With that said, things began to improve. Had an awesome time at my college ministry last night, as I re-dedicated and TRUELY wanted to get my whole life on track with God. I came out so excited, and than sure enough, like my addiction for years, I fell last night into pornography, more specificically gay porn.

I began to freak out, and I'm still very anxious at this moment. Does God want to give me HIV now, because I prayed that "God give me it if I mess up" when in REALITY that prayer was said because of an extremely dominating fearful thought that God was going to make me positive during that test, if I didn't pray that. I have a huge struggle with thoughts, and so I realize they can be destructive. Do i have to worry that God infected me with HIV, because I fell again, or can I rely on His grace of 4 negative tests, over the last several months.

What I'm mainly asking is this, that "prayer "was said out of extreme fear that the test may come back positive. I didn't want to pray/say that because I knew that I would probably fall again. And sure enough I did. I worry that it may be Satan who put that into my head, who made me think, since you said those words, (which I didn't really mean because I knew i would fall again) that when you fall, (which I did last night) God will give you HIV. Do you think this is true? For someone who has a history of of extreme worrying thoughts, and incorrect obessive thoughts..

Thanks so much guys.

First of all, God does not give us diseases.. not even if we ask Him to!!
If one of my children asked me to do something that would harm them, whatever their reason for asking, I would not do it.
And God loves you much, much more than I can love my children!!

Pornography addiction is a horrible thing... I've been there, and I know how it can consume you. Are you talking to anyone about the issue, or getting any help? Because, you need support in this, from Christians who can pray for you, and help you do find ways of avoiding temptation.
It's hard, but it is possible to escape.
And, on a practical note... do you have a filter on your computer? Because, however much we tell ourselves that we 'shouldn't' need that, and God will help us.. it really does help not to have easy access to what you know you shouldn't be looking at.
If you want to talk, please PM me.
Praying for you

Hey brother.

Criada is right. God isn't gonna but a disease over you. He isn't like that he is a God of loving and caring. I know how you feel about pornography addiction because I went through that and to be honest it was gay porn too. Now there is more things that I would like to share with but through private message and I will send one to you in a bit. I'm busy today but you are on my mind and in my prayers.

Also about the filter that is a good idea but to be honest if you don't know someone that can put a password in it and you know control it it just makes you more prawn to try yourself. I will explain more to you in that PM.

GOd Bless
Mikey

Greetings and God bless. May God encourage all who read in the name of Jesus. Amen. To truly understand you, one has to really listen to the inner pain and guilt that you have expressed. You can be helped. You have to let your faith in God assist you. When you pray to God, realize that God is a Holy Spirit and must be worshipped in Spirit and in truth. In the name of Jesus, this will ensure that your prayers will be heard.

Jesus died and paid for our sins with his blood and now he is arisen, ALIVE and able to redeem you and I from the sinful tendencies that would keep us seperated from God. You have to WANT to be seperated from the sinful tendencies. Pray to God sincerely from your heart to help you resist and ask for strength and believe through Jesus you are being healed. Don't give up just because you are not seeing immediate results.

Situations will and do fade, according to your faith. Pray to God, study the word, there are scriptures you can use in the name of Jesus to rebuke the temptations. I would like to leave you with these set of scriptures. I pray that they will be a blessing to you. When you read them, please BELIEVE and RECEIVE. It is written in 1 Corinthians 10:13, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be TEMPTED above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to ESCAPE, that ye may be able to bear it." Amen?

I know this may sound, easier said than done. But God said it so we MUST believe because God is not man, He cannot lie. Learn to rebuke the bad thoughts. It will take practice but that is the beginning steps to repentance. Jesus's example of resisting temptations is written in Matthew 4:1-11, where you will read where the devil tempted him and he used actual Holy Bible Scripture to rebuke him. Pray, believe, rebuke and receive. May God bless you and give to you the strength you need to overcome. Keep praying for the body of Christ, everyone. Amen.

Before anything, let me clarify to you that God is sovereign in His decisions. Everything He does is based not on what we do but on His very own Will. Isaiah 40:13-14 says, "Who was understood the mind of the LORD, or isntructed Him as His counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught Him the knowledge or showed Him the path of understanding?" He blesses and punishes according to what He deems right. The implication? Rest on the fact that God is constant! Whatever you feel, whatever you think and whatever you do...all of these can change in extreme variabilities but God will remain the same towards You - that is, being ever loving, ever gracious and ever merciful.

I can somehow relate to You because I myself am an "obsessive thinker." I had gone through that stage where I deeply was being killed by the thought of being diagnosed with AIDS. There were more but God taught me to trust and find rest in Him.

On your battle with pornography, I just want to say that you will never ever win that battle. Not by your might and not by your strength can you overcome sin but only through the Lord.

You know, I am also dealing with the same sin as you are...gay pornography. But there is no one-time solution/remedy for that. Satan, in his thousand years of staying in this world, has far understood the weaknesses of man and has devised near failure-proof plans. But Joshua 1:8 says, "Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful." This is the strategy/system that the Lord has given us to enable us to stand from Satan's attacks. It says that we COMMUNE with the Lord DAILY through His Word.

And what do you do when you fall? Go back! Do not be like Judas who went away and killed himself! Be like Peter who, after mourning, went back to the Lord...and He was surely pleased!

Lastly, you have no power to change your heart. It is only by the Lord that a heart is changed. Ask for it as you commune with Him! I'll be praying for you!=)