Finding Balance... family... calling...

[brokenarrow]

Because I am very passionate about my calling... i had went through about a 3 - 4 year period where i was neglecting my family when it came to time, energy, and ministry to them. I work a full time job and I am also a part time youth pastor in a rural area but with a large youth group.

I didn't realize how neglective i was until i almost lost my family over it... and i wish the answer were as simple as "well you should just devote all your energy to your family now"... but it isn't... so I am looking for that place of balance... of making God the center of everything i do instead of giving anything a priority in my life. I have made some huge progress at home but... still along way to go.

Now my concern is that my wife will throw the baby out with the bath water... can she believe that I will be able to find that balance? Will she always resent the ministry as "the other woman" in my life?

Any thoughts? Experience? Words of wisdom?

I had posted earlier in another thread but I am not sure that "lay persons" can fully understand the drive and urgency of the calling..?

But I do believe there is a balance...

 

[Macrina]

Broken Arrow:

As a single pastor, I don't share your experience as a parent and spouse. As a new pastor, though, I am learning about setting boundaries between personal and professional time. I don't think there is any easy answer, unfortunately. Something that helps me is to set definite times which are "mine." Do you have particular times that belong only to your family, when you will not allow your outside ministry to intrude on that time? Also, that might help your wife to see that you are taking concrete steps to make this work.

Also, I don't know what specific time and energy demands you find, but I know that one or two needy people can take a disproportionate amound of energy. I have had to work to set limits with someone who likes to call me every day. I do this by explaining what a pastor can and cannot be, helping the person seek psychiatric treatment, and -- well, caller ID helped, too. There are times when I simply will not pick up a call from this person on my home line, because I need to set a professional boundary.

I also advise you to ASK your wife what concrete things she thinks might help. For example, does she need more time to herself, with you watching the kids? Would she appreciate a regular time for a "date" between the two of you? What makes her feel like HER boundaries are being violated by your work and ministry? Once you identify some things that make her uncomfortable, you can work on those specific things.

 

[clonenomore]

Macrina said this better than I ever could, so I'll leave it at that.

I do want to add one thing, though. I also have a hard time balancing my ministry and personal life -- as I am sure many others do. I was talking to a friend one time, who pastors a small church, and he told me that God would not call you in such a way as to break up your family. So while we are called to ministry, it's OK to make these "boundries" for your family time. Remember, God's not calling everytime you are asked to help out. Sometime's, you're just the next name on the list. It's OK to say, "No, I can't help this time".

I will pray for you, and I hope that you'll pray for me and the others who have this same problem.

 

[bliz]

A number of us on another thres have tried to be of help to brokenarrow. He apparently feels that we don't "get it" becasue we are mere lay people. The turning point for many of us was when his wife posted the following...

Okay...this is "Broken Arrow's" wife....Yes, I have read every post on here from the very first one. I did NOT know that a certain person had even changed his name on Christian Forums...I read the Marriage Ministry section a lot. It has helped me through a lot of things. Reading where everybody else is and how they are working on things has been a big encouragement to me to stay and try to work things out.....Broken Arrow...when I called you at work and told you that I read the post you started under Marriage Ministry about "Neglecting my Wife....," you denied it and said, "I don't know what you are talking about. And all along, yes you did...you knew I recognized that was you posting....The "teenage girls" that call our house...you met through Christian Forums...Ministry is FINE...you spent countless hours talking to those girls from "out-of-state" on MSN, then they started calling the house. Sometimes, every night...or you called them and talked for hours. The whole time you talk to them....you didn't speak to me or the kids ALL NIGHT, because after getting off the phone with the girls, you got back online on MSN, "ministering" to more kids, sometimes to 12:30 am or later...TELL ME HOW can there be a relationship with 2 people when so many others are in the middle? Yes, I began talking to another man. That was wrong..I know that. I regret it...I will never get in chat rooms again. I was left home with the kids a lot when you were gone more than you were home with either youth events or something you just had to go do with the church or the teenagers. I was hurt and I became friends with somebody online...It did get emotional...We became too close....What I did was wrong....I know that...I chose to stay with you...I chose to work out things with you....I know it was wrong...I've asked God to forgive me, and I've asked you to forgive me....It's not just the girls that have called the house and taken priority over me, and our children. I quit going to the teenagers ballgames because instead of sitting with the wife and kids, you had to sit with the teenagers. I quit going out and eating after church with you, and I began taking my own car to church, because when we went out to eat....you didn't want to sit with the "wife and kids..." you had to sit with the teenagers....had teenage girls hugging all over you, also...that really makes you mad for me to say that...I reached out to a lot of teenage girls at that church we were at...but I sat back and saw for myself...they did like me...but they would much rather be around you and "hug on you..." and how hurtful is it to your wife that after you got home...there were no hugs left for the wife and kids? And when you got home from "ministering..." I was questioned as to WHY didn't I try to minister to those kids? Why did I just sit back and do nothing...? It ripped my heart out watching you love everybody else and pour yourself out to everybody and then you come home and you are like a stranger...You were one thing in front of those teens and the church, and totally different at home...You couldn't love us at home...you took advantage of us...and although I have been a Christian for 15 years now...a person can only take so much...You post in here and blame everything on the "cyber boy"...he was the icing on the cake, so to speak...I literally spent years of deliberately ignoring when men would try to talk to me...I avoided all tempation...I goofed up by thinking it was okay to "talk online..." It wouldn't hurt anything to be friends with somebody...Well, I was wrong to have done that...I'm sorry...I honestly believe you that all you ever intended towards any of those teens was to be there for them and reach out to them...Totally inappropriate...but especially the ones that call the house...they have became so dependent on you...if they don't get to talk to you...they get upset and freak out and then they are sending you emails to every email address that you have...so the only thing you did different is to tell them to stop calling the house every night...they are still contacting you...at your work email, your other emails..you call them, etc..I am really mad and irritated right now. I probably shouldn't have even wrote any of this. The reason I thought you were "checking up on me...." you have asked before whose phone number that was on the caller I.D., and I've told you...You saw that it was a "man's name" that showed up on the caller I.D....the phone is listed in her husband's name...most phone #'s are listed in the husband's name...so it was hard for me to believe that you didn't know who it was...I'm sorry for getting upset over it....I probably said a lot of things in here that I should not have said....I am sorry....I'm hurting...Things didn't get like this overnight, and it won't go away overnight...This is just how I feel about some things....I have a lot of changing to do and seeking God myself...so I know I have my faults...I don't know where we go from here...I have days where I want to just give up...

 

[clonenomore]

brokenarrow,

I know that I don't know the full story -- either your side or your wife's. After reading these 2 posts, I do, however, feel strongly that both of you need to be in counseling together. Talk to your lead pastor, or another pastor that both of you trust. Pray for God's guidance.

I still feel from both posts that boundries need to be set on your ministry. Again, God WILL NOT call you in such a fashion that breaks up your family.

 

[Macrina]

brokenarrow,

I know that I don't know the full story -- either your side or your wife's. After reading these 2 posts, I do, however, feel strongly that both of you need to be in counseling together. Talk to your lead pastor, or another pastor that both of you trust. Pray for God's guidance.

I still feel from both posts that boundries need to be set on your ministry. Again, God WILL NOT call you in such a fashion that breaks up your family.

This is good advice. I completely agree that God does not call us in conflicting ways, in ways that ask us to break up something that He instituted: marriage.

I'd like to second the recommendation to seek counseling. I recommend that you see a professional counselor about setting boundaries.

On boundaries: they are not just good for your wife -- they are also good for you, and for those you minister to. A pastor cannot be a best friend, a surrogate parent, a secret confidante. What we CAN be is a guide, a friend, a companion on the journey of faith. Do not try to take it all on to yourself -- realize and value the role that you play, and be the best you can at that, not trying to be everything all at once.

 

[clonenomore]

....On boundaries: they are not just good for your wife -- they are also good for you, and for those you minister to. A pastor cannot be a best friend, a surrogate parent, a secret confidante. What we CAN be is a guide, a friend, a companion on the journey of faith. Do not try to take it all on to yourself -- realize and value the role that you play, and be the best you can at that, not trying to be everything all at once.

As usual, Macrina said this better than I did. All I can say is "Amen"! So I will:





brokenarrow, I cannot say this strongly enough -- seek counseling. I really feel that message coming in on my heart. It is so strong that it can only be God speaking.

 

[brokenarrow]

Thanks everyone for your insight... lol.. i see bliz is still hounding me from the other thread.. lol... that's ok.. i also got alot of insight from that thread...

Yes... I have set boundries... i have given the youth three nights a week and one saturday per month... and except for the occasional youth conference... the rest of the time is devoted to my family... I am trying to learn ballance...

Please... continue to pray for me.. and yes.. i will definately pray for you.

What is impossible with men... is possible with God...

brokenarrow...

 

[Bizzlebin Imperatoris]

A scripture to consider. 1 Corinthians 7:

32I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. 33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife

It will always be harder to go into the ministry married. My only advice to you is to not swing to far the other way, and neglect ministry. God comes first. Also, make sure your wife knows that you are giving her more time. She maybe taking what she has for granted, I don't know. Just let God guide you, for He knows more than any of us

 

[Cordy]

I have seen this excuse made by people who neglect their families for the sake of a “ministry”. Have we forgotten that a ministry is more than youth groups and prayer meetings? It is ministering to those closest to us. Practically, if more people ministered to their friends and families first, we wouldn’t have to have as many pastors out there trying to help heal the wounds that other Christians have caused in their lives.

 

[brokenarrow]

wow mbams... you and biz seem to really have a bur in your saddles over this subject... I mean... you have follwed me over to the "ministers" thread now to make sure you don't let me "get away" with anything..? Is there a personal reason behind all of this?

You make it sound like us men dont want to be with our wives and children... like any and every thing else would be better in our minds..? That absolutely isn't true... I love my wife and kids and I would be lost with out them...
If I was looking to "get rid of 'em" I had the perfect "out"... but that wasnt the case at all for me! I love my wife dearly... I love my kids dearly.I would be lost with out them... I just got so focussed on winning as many of the lost as i could that i almost lost them...
I know.. I know.. i have heard all of your "real" reasons why i did it... becuase no one could possibly believe that strongly and be that devoted to the gospel and to trying to reach every single person he could before... they slip off into eternaty... after all... church is really about programs and nothing but just another big social club... right...?

What you don't know is that i have permanantly loss some kids... Once that happens to you... that changes your perspective on everything... becuase that is permanent... there is no "do over" on that one.
I wish i could say that I know where they are right now.. but the honest truth is... outside of God's mercy... I can't say where they are with Jesus right now.

I also lost a very close friend in a drunken accident... but i was so caught up in what I wanted out of life I never witnessed to him as a young man... Now every face I see... I also imagine their "face of pain and horror"... the face they will make in hell if they don't get saved.

Now you will blow everything i am saying off as "grandstanding" or "this is what you said but here is the real reason you are saying this"... but it is true. I see the look of my friends face as he is in torment... I hear him screaming out to me "why! why! why didnt you tell me about this place... why didnt you make me understand..!!"

I know his blood is on my hands... so i work hard with God to make sure I am doing all i can to let them know... all their friiends know that outside of God they are lost... and this really is who i am. It isnt about popularity, or all the other things you guys have listed off... it is because i really am this empassioned about making sure I have done everything God has gifted me to do to make sure they know. Atfter that it is up to them. But they have to see it real in me and know im just not reciting some religious dogma or puking up some pre-cooked fluff to keep them "babysitted" for awhile. I am very real about what i say... and my wife would tell you the same thing... but..
... as i stated earlier... I should have the same passion for my family as I do for reaching out to God's kids... and i have learned that.. I really have... and hopefuly my wife is seeing that in me.

and again... more hyprocritical ranting from the fruit cake that nearly lost his family trying to feed God's sheep... I know... i know...

brokenarrow

 

[Echoes Peak]

Two things:

First of all, it is important to remember that as individual human beings, we are only in control of our choices and our actions. I don't know if there is every such a thing as not witnessing enough, but I do know that if you honestly were attempting to live your life in a way that was honorable, glorifying to the Lord, I am not necessarily sure there was anything you, as an individual, could do convince someone to seek Christ. Truly. And please believe me, I say that with all compassion. I've had several people in my life who are no longer on this earth, who made the decision not to follow this faith. I have learned, as difficult, as it is, that you have to recognize that this is exactly what it is..a faith. It is a decision that each individual makes for themselves. No amount of arguing, debating, manipulating, bribery, and what not will ever convince someone to become a Christian, if they are seeking out of their own true, personal volition. It's a tough pill to swallow, but it's reality. If we are honest with ourselves, that's how most of us came to this faith. Even those, whom grew up in Christians homes and what not, you still had to come to conclusion to stick with it. It's the beauty (and sometimes the downside) in this thing call Free Will.

That being said, leads me to the second point, in your quest to win every soul, you must not forget the ones that God has given you under the pretense of family. You have a wife and you have kids. All of whom are just as important, (and in some opinions, even more important) as all the rest of people you are trying to help. Somehow, I suspect God didn't allow you to have a wife and children, so that may be neglected while you do His ministry, because family is certainly a ministry as well. As a child of a father who was never around, trust me I doubt you want your children to grow up with the same issues I did as a result of "dad working too much". Someone else has already suggested counseling. I think that's a good suggestion, because there is some pain there. Some serious pain..don't know who inflicted it or caused it or whatever and honestly, its unimportant to me because its none of my business, but I seriously think you and your wife (and maybe even your kids) seek it. I also suggest you find another Christian couple than can be your support through all this, because it sounds like you need it...and I more than bet, your wife needs it too.

 

[Bizzlebin Imperatoris]

I hope I don't seem like I'm hounding you brokenarrow. I understand your position quite well, as similar things have happened in my life.

 

[analogman]

I have seen this excuse made by people who neglect their families for the sake of a “ministry”. Have we forgotten that a ministry is more than youth groups and prayer meetings? It is ministering to those closest to us. Practically, if more people ministered to their friends and families first, we wouldn’t have to have as many pastors out there trying to help heal the wounds that other Christians have caused in their lives.

Man........this is "right on" !!!! Gods been showing this to me for quite a while now, and Im not even in so called "Full Time Ministry"!!! In fact ,we all suppose to be in full time ministry!!! We are all equal in Gods eyes,He has no favorites anymore.And you are right,if we cant be real in our homes and family, we sure have NO business in so called "FULL TIME MINISTRY" you would be a hypocrite!!
Thanks for giving each of us this encouragement!!!