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Fighting Sexual Temptation...

machazure

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Me and my girlfriend (both 19 and sophmores in college) have been dating for approximately 6 months. We are both strong in our faith and walk with Jesus Christ. I love her soo sooo much and believe that God has placed her in my life to be my future wife.

Anyway, as 19 year olds, we struggle to fight our raging hormones. We are both virgins and REALLY want to stay that way until we get married. Sometimes it is hard because we want to get intimate with each other without crossing limits (I know we should not be thinking in terms of limits here though). People say, "well just don't spend much alone time together" or "just keep kissing and such to a minimum".

What are y'alls advice as other struggling couples? What do you do to keep away from sexual temptation while still spending quality alone time together and being physically intimate to a safe degree?
 

A2597

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machazure said:
What are y'alls advice as other struggling couples? What do you do to keep away from sexual temptation while still spending quality alone time together and being physically intimate to a safe degree?

Define "physically intimate to a safe degree". Quality time alone doesn't equate to just physical aspects of a relationship, in fact I'd say quality time alone is spent just enjoying eachothers company, and talking. Getting to know eachother better, not making out.

As for limits, I've seen and read everything from no kissing to fondeling as being acceptable. Personally, I feel that anything that turns on yourself or your signifigant other is beyond the limit. And all fondeling is wrong. Keep yourself focused on God, and other things become clear.

We are human, and we have a sexual drive, and putting it aside is not an easy task at all. But the rewards are worth it. Also have someone to keep you accountable, beit a youth leader at your church, a small group/bible study group. I find spending time with the Lord in fellowship is a good way to put sexual needs in prospective, and place them on hold for after marraige.

Good luck, and hope this helps...

Good luck,
 
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MN John

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I hear you, buddy. It's a hard thing to do. Fortunately, you're not ignoring the potential problems but openly talking about how to avoid them.

For some background ... I am single and in a relationship. We currently intend to take another couple of years preparing and then get married. We're a lot older than you, but guess what! ... The hormones don't get easier to control!

Here are some of my experiences and some suggestions...

First of all, if you feel assurance that she is the woman that God wants you to marry, then this assurance can be a source of contentment. Being content helps you be less anxious and makes waiting slightly easier. But knowing that this will be your wife and you will be her husband also means that you want to honor her by allowing/helping her remain pure. I also want to show Sara that I am able to control myself even in extreme situations. If a person can't be sexually pure while dating, it throws some doubt onto his ability to remain true during marriage too (if you see what I mean).

Well, that's probably not any news to you. Those are just some reasons for abstinence, but how do we do it?

First of all, read "Straight Talk About Sexual Purity" by Nancy L. Van Pelt. You won't agree with every detail, but it is a great starting point for discussion. However, be prepared to lose your innocence. Once you read this, you will be much more aware of the sensual/sexual significance of various physical expressions.

When you have both read the article (It's easy to find on the web.), Get together and go through it together and discuss what you two agree with and don't agree with. This is what we did.

Then we made a covenant together and sealed it with prayer. We explicitely spelled out exactly 1) what kinds of casual and sensual touch are OK for us at present, 2) what will be OK prior to marriage, but not just yet, 3) what we are not quite sure about whether it needs to wait for marriage, 4) what necessarily waits for marriage.

Your list will be individual and not match ours. For example, we place kissing on the lips later than the article suggests and backrubs slightly earlier. We then had our boundaries set. But still every month or two we need to revisit, make sure that we're on track, see if we need to make any adjustments, etc.

A big part of our covenant is that is any form of casual or sensual touch becomes arousing, we must admit it to each other and stop it at that time. If it becomes a repeated pattern, then that activity needs to go onto the other side of our boundary for now. Sometimes something seemingly very innocent will effect your beloved in an unexpected way.

Here's just our basic breakdown. 1) Ok now - Kissing on cheek or hand, hand holding/hand stoking, hugs, arm-in-arm, arm around shoulder/waist, shoulder massage. 2) OK before marriage, but not yet - Kissing on lips except for very significant special occasions (we have kissed on the lips only 3 times), long kisses (after our second kiss, I had to ask Sara to not kiss me so thoroughly, this is an example of putting something onto the other side of our boundary). 3) Unsure of whether we will wait for marriage - deep or French kissing (lots goes into why this isn't decided). 4) Waiting for marriage - Sex, touching in any way either directly or through clothing of any body parts that would normally be covered by a swim suit or underwear, anything else that has been moved to the other side of the boundary through experience. An example of something innocent that nonetheless has to wait is "Eskimo" kissing - thats when you brush the tip or your noses together instead of your lips - it seems very innocent, but it has an arrousing effect on one of us, so we don't do it.

Also, there are certain vulnerable situations to avoid. Being alone is always a part of the equation, but just being alone in and of itself is not out of bounds for us. However, late at night is a time of higher vulnerability so we need to avoid being together alone after about 11 or midnight. Likewise, I will not spend the night anywhere in the same house as Sara - This is one of the next areas that we will revisit - I live 30 miles from her and she is right near the ariport and I have an early morning flight soon on a day when two other people besides Sara will be in the house for the night - so we're going to consider whether to change this to not spending the night alone in the same house.

All of these agreements and guidelines are all well and good as long as we keep our logical brains engaged. However, as you know, sometimes the ones we love can touch us in such a way that our brains fall out. This is when the other person has to take charge and say "no." It takes a little practice to give or receive a "no" that doesn't feel like a rejection but actually feels like "I love you so much that I will say 'no' to you."

The other problem is that often enough our brains fall out at the same time. When this happens, I can try to think of something that we could do instead of cuddling, but my brain literally doesn't work. So what to do?

We actually thought of writing up about 100 strips of paper with ideas on them, Ping Pong, Backgammon, make popcorn, vacuum carpet, etc. We can draw a slip at random and make it a game where we have to do what the paper says before possibly returning to cuddlng. It's corny, but it works. If you're both committed to each other, to the Lord, and to waiting, then doing something as corny as this just is a tool to help you achive what you both already want to.

Overall, pray frequently, communicate thoroughly, rely on God's strength rather than your own.

It's hard, brother, but it can be done, it should be done, and it's truly worth it.

Peace.

John
 
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Hediru

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I know your feelings. Sometimes the temptation seems too great to ignore. I think that the two of you should sit down and set boundaries together that won't make either of you feel that you are going too far. For every couple, its different. It could be just sitting and cuddling, or it could go further. But once that boundary is set DO NOT CROSS IT! If you do, things can very quickly spiral out of control and you might end up doing something you'll seriously regret. Good luck, and I'll pray for you!
 
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Leanna

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machazure said:
Sometimes it is hard because we want to get intimate with each other without crossing limits (I know we should not be thinking in terms of limits here though). People say, "well just don't spend much alone time together" or "just keep kissing and such to a minimum".

What are y'alls advice as other struggling couples? What do you do to keep away from sexual temptation while still spending quality alone time together and being physically intimate to a safe degree?

Well, you've heard my advice, and don't like it. But you're going to hear it again. :D

There is no such thing as being "physically intimate" to a safe degree while dating. :eek: You have absolutely no Biblical grounds to be physically intimate while dating. You need to start saying no to "the devil, the flesh, and the world" and honor God with your body. If you really love your girlfriend, you will stop trying to "feel" physically intimate with her, and you will have real respect for her, which says "I love *you* more than I love the feeling of holding you." You should think of her best interests rather than allowing your raging hormones to take charge.

Okay now let's provide Biblical support for what I was just talking about "honoring God with your body."

1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body.

Yes, you do need to limit your time alone together.... you also need to limit making out.... people usually say these things, because they are absolutely true!

It is really hard, you have to deny the flesh, that does not feel good. Your body says "ohhh I love just to be close to her" but remember, that is your body-- the flesh. It really is hard. When I was dating my husband we started making out too, and sure, it felt good. We had to make strict rules/guidelines/goals to keep ourselves pure before marriage. You say you want to marry this girl. Remember anything you say no to now, you will have to look forward to after marriage! And by saying no NOW, you are showing her what kind of man you really are. You love her and you want to respect and honor your body as well as hers. Her body is not yours, now, and your body is not hers, now. So you need to start acting like it.

:hug: P.S. I know I tend to sound harsh, so allow me to add an afterward of, I really DO understand how hard it is, but I know you can do it, and if you ever want to talk about it in a PM or something I will not look down on you. I have crossed many boundaries. :doh:
 
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ahmunmun

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I'm not going to remind you of the chance of getting pregnant, sexual diseases, and of course, violating God's design of sex. I'll leave that to the people who replied above me. Rather, I want to give you an interesting reason not to have sex before marriage. I heard this from a pastor:

If you guys do it, then after marriage, if one of you are out later than usual, the other will worry, because the other will think, "Well, he/she was easy to be tempted by me, so why wouldn't he/she be tempted by someone else?" Do you get it? In other words, the other person would think you're cheap.
 
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justinstout

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Everyone faces temptation. But the truth is, very few people deal with it effectively. That shouldn’t be the case, and it doesn’t have to be the case for believers. There are some very simple and effective ways of dealing with temptation that you should know, and if you’ll put them into practice, I guarantee, you’ll come out the winner.

It has been said, “Fail to plan and you’re planning to fail.”That statement could not be truer when it’s applied to temptation. I don’t know anyone who gets up in the morning and prays to fail when faced with temptation, but I know many people who get up each morning and fail to plan for what the Bible says we will all certainly face. So, first and most important, you must be prepared. That’s so simple, you have to have someone’s help to misunderstand. But, we must have had a lot of help, because very few people have taken the time or made the effort to prepare.

Second Chronicles 12:14 says it this way,

“And he did evil, because he prepared not his heart to seek the LORD.”

This was speaking of Rehoboam, the king of Judah and the son of Solomon. He started off as a good king who was seeking the Lord. But just like many people today, he wasn’t prepared for what would inevitably come his way. When Satan throws temptation your way, if you’re not already prepared, it’s too late. You’ll probably lose the fight.

Jesus prepared Himself. He spent thirty years getting ready for His encounter with the devil, and He started preparing early. At the age of twelve, He was asking questions of the doctors of the Law and astounding them with His answers. He had obviously spent many hours reading and studying the Scriptures. I’m sure that study continued all His life, but even Jesus needed more.

Before He was tempted by Satan face to face, He was anointed with the Holy Spirit at His baptism by John in the Jordan River. Jesus went into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil, full of the power of the Holy Spirit.

Being filled with the Holy Spirit is an absolute necessity for overcoming temptation. There are many Christians who received the Holy Spirit years ago and haven’t been full of the Holy Spirit a day since. It’s not about what happened to us long ago; we have to stay full of the Holy Spirit. One way of doing that is to speak in tongues on a regular basis. Jude 1:20-21 says,

“But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost, Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.”

Praying in tongues builds us up on our most holy faith. How many times have you needed your most holy faith to take you through a certain trial and yet you haven’t used this gift of the Holy Spirit? Also says verse 21 we keep ourselves in the love of God when we speak in tongues. Have you ever asked the Lord to pour out His love on you? I imagine you have, but this doesn’t say to pray that way; it says we are to keep ourselves in the love of God. We do that by speaking in tongues. We don’t ask God for that which He’s already given, we simply stir up the love that has already been commended toward us by speaking in tongues. This is a powerful gift. Isaiah 28:11-12 says,

“For with stammering lips and another tongue will he speak to this people. To whom he said, This is the rest wherewith ye may cause the weary to rest; and this is the refreshing: yet they would not hear.”

Do you ever need rest or refreshing? I guarantee that you do, and this verse says speaking in tongues is the way to get it. We have a tremendously powerful gift available to us through the Holy Spirit, but few people take advantage of it. Instead, we ask God to do what He told us to do. We need to use this gift of speaking in tongues to stir ourselves up or risk sinking to the bottom.

You must also know who you are. Matthew 4 and Luke 4 record the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness. One of the most amazing aspects of those temptations was that Satan began two of the three temptations with the words, “If you be the Son of God.” Many people have missed this point. The real temptation was Satan’s attempt to get Jesus to doubt who He was. That’s the same way he attacked Adam and Eve. The serpent told Eve that if she would eat the forbidden fruit, she would be like God (Gen. 3:5). The truth was that she was already like God, but she didn’t know it. The first Adam sinned, because he didn’t know who he really was. The second Adam, Jesus, didn’t sin, because He did know who he was. Knowing our true identity in Christ is one of the greatest defenses we can possibly have against temptation.



Jesus had just heard His Father speak to Him in an audible voice saying,

“This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased” (Matt. 3:17).

There was also a visible sign from God when the Holy Spirit descended on Jesus in the shape of a dove. Jesus had to anchor His faith in who His Father said He was. But immediately, Satan came to Him saying,

“If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread” (Matt. 4:3).

The real temptation was never about turning stones into bread. It was Satan’s attempt to manipulate Jesus into doubting His Father’s Word and doing something to prove who He was. Satan was trying to find and exploit any insecurity in Jesus.

When you were a kid, I’m sure someone at some time dared you to do something stupid. The real issue wasn’t whether or not you could do it but whether you were “afraid” to do it. And sad to say, many of us took the dare and did something that hurt us or shamed us just to prove that we weren’t. All we really succeeded in proving was that we feared their disapproval so much that we weren’t willing to do what was right. The truly fearless response would have been to walk away, secure in who we were, earning their respect through character rather than performance.

Satan was daring Jesus—”If You’re really the Son of God, if what You heard from the Father in an audible voice is really true, then prove it, and turn this stone into bread.” Turning a stone into bread would not have been sin. It would have been sin if Jesus had doubted the words of His heavenly Father declaring who He was by placing more faith in what a miracle could say about Him. You must know who you are if you want to overcome temptation. No matter what form Satan’s temptations may take, they are all directed at causing us to doubt who we are.

It’s also important to understand that all temptation is rooted in selfishness. In fact, our selfishness is really Satan’s beachhead. Jesus stripped him of his power two thousand years ago, so the only thing he can really do is deceive us through our own selfish desires. The Bible tells us exactly what they are in 1 John 2:16,

“For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.”

And in James 1:14 we read,

“But every many is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.”

Satan is not limitless; deception is his only weapon. All he can do is try to deceive us into thinking that God really can’t or won’t fulfill our lives. Every single temptation of the enemy is packaged in the form of the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, or the pride of life. But they’re all designed to entice us and cause us to doubt that God will meet our needs. Selfishness is always the favorite playground of the devil, and when selfishness rules in our lives, we open the door to his deceptive schemes.

You can’t be tempted unless you have first thought about it. All temptation is linked to what you think on. Therefore, control your thoughts, and you will control temptation. This is a simple but profound truth. It’s the reason most people fall into temptation. It’s like a woman who doesn’t want to get pregnant but continues to have sexual relations without any contraception. Sooner or later she will get pregnant. Think on the wrong things long enough, and sooner or later you will fall into sin when tempted.

Philippians 4:8 says this,

“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

Temptation will come, but it’s hard for the devil to deceive you when your mind is stayed on those things. Satan can only work with what you give him, so don’t give him any space in your mind. You’ll be able to avoid many of the temptations you face if you will put this into practice.

The Word is powerful—use it. Jesus countered every temptation of the devil with the Word. Think about it, Jesus was the Word, and everything He said would have been Scripture and more than sufficient to rebuke the devil. Yet He would say, “It is written,” then He quoted God’s Word. If it was important for Jesus to quote the Word, it’s even more important for us to do the same. We must know God’s Word to effectively overcome temptation. That goes back to being prepared; you can’t quote scripture you haven’t learned, and there isn’t any power in what you don’t know or understand.

Don’t wait till you’re in the middle of a huge temptation to start thinking about how to deal with it; it will be too late. Take the time now to prepare yourself for those temptations that will inevitably come your way. To help, I produced a five-part album entitled HowTo Deal With Temptation. In this album, I teach on: being prepared, knowing who you are, how selfishness is the beachhead of Satan, why speaking the Word is so important, and how temptation is tied to your thought life. These are all vital to understanding and overcoming temptation.
 
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