I've been waiting what seems a long time for God...when I think it was only around last August this started, it seems strange because it seems so much longer for that. Only I feel I'm not getting anywhere at the moment, if worse. I sometimes get angry with God although I know He Is perfect but sometimes I just feel alone and think maybe He doesn't exist. I think I've have OCD a long time, although I am not treated for it, because I don't think my doctor would keep it confidential. But I think that it was after looking for God it got worse. So bad I was tapping everything, spending hours tapping things and getting out at night to tap the carpet. I think it was because I was so nervous about hell, terrified my family or I would end up burning there. Since then, the tapping has mostly stopped, only, it's in my head, horrible blaspheming thoughts which I want to go away but I think I have programmed my brain to hate myself; it feels like myself wants the worst for me, but I don't want to disobey God. It's just, I've prayed. I've read the Bible. I didn't understand the one my dad uses (I think he's a Christian but I just feel I can't talk to him or anyone about it - I'm too shy, and I can't seem to be able to get over the awkwardness or fear) so I went out and bought what I thought looked a more simple version. But not long after reading it, I thought I found a contradiction, and I've given up since then because it's so hard to understand. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I find it hard. I thought about trying to find a children's one sometime but I've been feeling so pessimistic and depressed I feel like I've just given up. When I try to find out things about God, it feels like a chore, which is awful, but I just want to get it over with. I just want to take my mind away from God, because being honest, I do not come to God out of love. I cannot feel remorse, because I don't love Him. I cannot stop sinning. I'm more worried about punishment than God's Feelings. I don't even find the subject of God very interesting. In RS lessons, sometimes I'm longing to get out and go home, sometimes I like them because my teacher is religious yet she acts like it doesn't matter whether you believe or not, which I know is wrong but I feel comforted by it. I don't think I can be saved; I certainly doesn't seem like someone special. I've tried doing good things, sometimes asking for no reward so I feel I'm doing it just for God. I'm just terrified of punishment though. Terrified of something horrible happening in this life. Terrified of my family or I burning in hell.