Well it is me again and my husband and I have been trying to put our marriage back on track until last night. For the whole time we have been married,I have always felt like I was the one that has to get my husband in the mood or try to be romantic. Don't get me wrong he would try to get me in the mood but he has never taken the time to get to know my body and taking a geniune interest in making sure I am sexually satisfied. We got into a discussion last night about sex and I asked him if he could try to take a geniune interest in trying to make me sexually satisfied and just in my life period. He told me that he had this same problem in his first marriage and is not sure of why. He told me that he would do that when I can be more affectionate towards him. I told him that I have always felt like this relationship has been all about him. I told him that I have really tried to be the wife that God has called me to be but his blatant neglect is getting old. I told him that I think it is sad that the only time I get a gift from him is Holidays. I told him that I think it is sad that he never tries to even seek God on trying to be romantic. I told him I feel used and taken for granted because I have put forth a proactive effort in trying to make him happy and comfortable and I can even get a little compassion. He just agreed with me saying that I am a very good woman and he wants this marriage BUT he cannot proceed until I create this atmosphere for him and that I knew this was a problem in his first marriage and he knows that he was never validated in his childhood.
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Feeling taken for granted...........
- Thread starter 4him2004
- Start date
Blessed2003
Duck, duck, duck, GOOSE..
True Love will love others before self. I know how difficult this is, I struggle with it too, I have to pray nearly every time I speak to my husband, I want to stand up for myself, and right his wrongs, but all I hear in my spirit is "Love your husband"
Try to focus on his needs, and not yours, and try to meet his needs, and not yours, and oddly (TRUST ME) your needs will be met. THis is difficult and requires God's Love, and your seeking.
Be Blessed, and Loved,
B
Try to focus on his needs, and not yours, and try to meet his needs, and not yours, and oddly (TRUST ME) your needs will be met. THis is difficult and requires God's Love, and your seeking.
Be Blessed, and Loved,
B
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Jenna
Senior Veteran
- Jun 13, 2002
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I know that it is so hard to be chasing a guy around for fulfilling sex. I REALLY know. However, the more you focus on what he's NOT doing for you, the less likely you are to be giving him everything that you can, and making positive progression. Focus on what he is doing right, and ways that you can show your love more. It should make you feel better, and if nothing else happens, then he loses his excuse for lackluster bedroom behavior. 
We (myself included ) shouldn't let neglect influence us to be less than loving and giving to our spouses. Our expressions of love shouldn't change because they aren't responding in kind. Hey, if we can love our enemies, certainly we can find a way to love our husbands when they aren't being too considerate. *hugs* I definitely know how tiring it is to always be the one doing the "chasing" though. It's a rough thing.
We (myself included
) shouldn't let neglect influence us to be less than loving and giving to our spouses. Our expressions of love shouldn't change because they aren't responding in kind. Hey, if we can love our enemies, certainly we can find a way to love our husbands when they aren't being too considerate. *hugs* I definitely know how tiring it is to always be the one doing the "chasing" though. It's a rough thing.
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I just think this marriage is basically over. This is too much to bear. I feel like I have given my all to this marriage. I have dealt with many things that he has done to me and all I ask for from him is some sort of compassion. It is quite sad when your own pastor notices how you treat your wife and you still do not try to make amends. This is not all about me, I understand treating him well. But, I think he is taken this to extreme by finding excuses to not do what he needs to do. First, it was one excuse, I fixed that, then here is another. I am just tired......
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Pray4Isrl,
U are right. I had a guy that i used to work with started to show me the same attention that my husband did when we were separated and it caused an emotional affair out of this world. I was really caught up and had to recognize the enemy!
U are right. I had a guy that i used to work with started to show me the same attention that my husband did when we were separated and it caused an emotional affair out of this world. I was really caught up and had to recognize the enemy!
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Also, we have been to 3 different counselors and his response is that it is just typical marriage material.
I am going to have to keep fasting and praying and asking God what it is he is trying to do thru me to make this better.
I am going to have to keep fasting and praying and asking God what it is he is trying to do thru me to make this better.
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Jenna
Senior Veteran
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God never gives you more than you can bear. You need to lean on Him and let Him have your burden. Marriage is hard and takes a lot of work. It's been my experience that no person will always feel as appreciated as they think they deserve, all of the time. Still, you made a promise to God, and that should be pretty important. The Lord calls for those who are weary and heavy-burdened to come to Him so He can give them rest. It sounds like you need a good deal of time spent on your knees. *hugs*
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It's sad to hear that another marriage is heading down the path of divorce. I agree with the above posters, and as a guy, I can relate to you and your husband.
A couple things to keep in mind: Men have very, very frail egos. Any guy who says otherwise is hiding behind his need to portray a macho image. If a man feels like his wife finds failure in him in an area, he will often hold onto that and feel like he's failed in ALL areas. I think this is why so many counselors and pastors say that a man's greatest need is Honor (even the greatest counselor has said that). Jimmy Evans has a great CD/Video/Book series called "Marriage on the Rock". In it he challenges women to not criticize their husbands for their inabilities, lack of "whatever" or failures. Instead, he says to honor them for the things they do right. His example is "If the only thing that your husband does right is button his pajamas, PRAISE HIM for that!" If a man starts to feel like his wife honors him, the result is that he tries harder, does more, loves better. Not my words, per se, just a paraphrase of many books/videos/CD's I've purchased since my own divorce.
Now, don't get me wrong. I think it's imparative that HE step up to the plate. I'm not intending to point the finger at all. However, if he *feels* like he is getting beat down for always striking out, he will stop coming out of the dugout completely. Yes - that was an attempt at a baseball analogy.
There's a great book called "How God WILL Restore Your Marriage" by Dan and Erin Theile. Erin wrote two books, one for women, one for men. I've read the men's version 2+ times now, and she addresses the concepts of neglect, dealing treatcherously, etc. It's a convicting book. It has really put me in my place on many, many issues. Consider checking out the women's version before you move forward with the divorce (I have NOT read the women's version). It's somewhat controversial, but it's Biblically based and very directed at Scripture, not at a writers agenda.
I believe, and I think I've said it here before, that God will NOT drop us off in the middle of teh Valley - He WILL bring us through. But we need to lean on him and trust that HE is in control. I'll admit, that is so much easier to type that than to live it.
Regardless of what happens, keep your eyes focused completely on God... He will take care of the rest!!!
God bless!
bkg
A couple things to keep in mind: Men have very, very frail egos. Any guy who says otherwise is hiding behind his need to portray a macho image. If a man feels like his wife finds failure in him in an area, he will often hold onto that and feel like he's failed in ALL areas. I think this is why so many counselors and pastors say that a man's greatest need is Honor (even the greatest counselor has said that). Jimmy Evans has a great CD/Video/Book series called "Marriage on the Rock". In it he challenges women to not criticize their husbands for their inabilities, lack of "whatever" or failures. Instead, he says to honor them for the things they do right. His example is "If the only thing that your husband does right is button his pajamas, PRAISE HIM for that!" If a man starts to feel like his wife honors him, the result is that he tries harder, does more, loves better. Not my words, per se, just a paraphrase of many books/videos/CD's I've purchased since my own divorce.
Now, don't get me wrong. I think it's imparative that HE step up to the plate. I'm not intending to point the finger at all. However, if he *feels* like he is getting beat down for always striking out, he will stop coming out of the dugout completely. Yes - that was an attempt at a baseball analogy.
There's a great book called "How God WILL Restore Your Marriage" by Dan and Erin Theile. Erin wrote two books, one for women, one for men. I've read the men's version 2+ times now, and she addresses the concepts of neglect, dealing treatcherously, etc. It's a convicting book. It has really put me in my place on many, many issues. Consider checking out the women's version before you move forward with the divorce (I have NOT read the women's version). It's somewhat controversial, but it's Biblically based and very directed at Scripture, not at a writers agenda.
I believe, and I think I've said it here before, that God will NOT drop us off in the middle of teh Valley - He WILL bring us through. But we need to lean on him and trust that HE is in control. I'll admit, that is so much easier to type that than to live it.
Regardless of what happens, keep your eyes focused completely on God... He will take care of the rest!!!
God bless!
bkg
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Mayzoo
Well-Known Member
I can't help but notice only 6 hours passed between your request for advice and help, before you made the decision to divorce him. I fear that decision may have already been made prior to the post.
I realize much longer has passed before you asked for help here, and I can tell you are just flat frustrated and tired. You might need to take a break from each other rather than filing for divorce. I don't advocate breaks normally, but if you are feeling so burdened by this marriage and your husband that you are willing to terminate your covenant....a break may help to restore you strength to fight with God at your side for your marriage. I would not recommend a long break though, for that does allow for further problems to crop up.
If you have not already made the decision to terminate, I hope all our prayers will help you go on to see this marriage reach its true potential.
I realize much longer has passed before you asked for help here, and I can tell you are just flat frustrated and tired. You might need to take a break from each other rather than filing for divorce. I don't advocate breaks normally, but if you are feeling so burdened by this marriage and your husband that you are willing to terminate your covenant....a break may help to restore you strength to fight with God at your side for your marriage. I would not recommend a long break though, for that does allow for further problems to crop up.
If you have not already made the decision to terminate, I hope all our prayers will help you go on to see this marriage reach its true potential.
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alaskamolly
Queen of the Tundra
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Honey, God says that He HATES divorce. You think He's going to just bat His eyelash at this, and pat you on the back and say, "Poor dear," when you try to explain this one to Him?????
No one's saying it's easy, or that it's no big deal what's going on in your marriage, but you CANNOT get a divorce and honor God at the same time. And you CANNOT expect your future life to be blessed when you blatantly disobey the Living God!
Rebellion means you are sitting duck for the enemy, because you totally shed God's protective covering when you decide to run out from under it--which is what you'd be doing if you divorce right now!
There ARE times for divorce--the Scriptures say so--but this is NOT one of them.
I'm not meaning to trivialize your pain. I'm just a sister who wants to remind you of Who you belong to before you make a big mistake!
He requires obedience from His children--you and I and the others--and when we think we "know better" than what He's clearly laid out, we are heading straight into MAJOR trouble.
Please reconsider!
Blessings,
Molly
Honey, God says that He HATES divorce. You think He's going to just bat His eyelash at this, and pat you on the back and say, "Poor dear," when you try to explain this one to Him?????
No one's saying it's easy, or that it's no big deal what's going on in your marriage, but you CANNOT get a divorce and honor God at the same time. And you CANNOT expect your future life to be blessed when you blatantly disobey the Living God!
Rebellion means you are sitting duck for the enemy, because you totally shed God's protective covering when you decide to run out from under it--which is what you'd be doing if you divorce right now!
There ARE times for divorce--the Scriptures say so--but this is NOT one of them.
I'm not meaning to trivialize your pain. I'm just a sister who wants to remind you of Who you belong to before you make a big mistake!
He requires obedience from His children--you and I and the others--and when we think we "know better" than what He's clearly laid out, we are heading straight into MAJOR trouble.
Please reconsider!
Blessings,
Molly
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W
WashedClean
Guest
Amen, I agree with Molly! With God, all things are possible. At least try counseling if you haven't already, preferably with a Christian counselor or pastor. I'm praying for you...alaskamolly said:
WashedClean
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Molly is correct.
I've been accused of being to black and white on divorce - too narrow minded. I am. I believe that the Bible is very clear about divorce, and that's where my views come from. That being said, I reject the comment that I "can't understand (my) situation because you have never been there" or (insert reasons that divorce A is different than divorce B).
Let's take God's word out of it for just a moment, because there's always a response of "He will forgive me".
Divorce is the WORSTE experience a person can go through. People say it's almost as bad as death, I say that it's much, much worse. In all but suicide, death is typically involuntary and has nothing to do with personal rejection. Divorce is the exact opposite - it has everything to do with personal rejection. Rejection of the spouse as a person, rejection of the marriage vows and covenant, rejection of a promise that, no matter what, that person would always be there. It's a horribly painful experience. And as I've said before... it fixes absolutely nothing.
If you leave your spouse because he has caused you pain, and think that it will be better alone or with someone else, you may likely be living in a fantasy world. The fact of the matter is that the very nature of loving someone else forces us into a position of being hurt in ways that we cannot imagine. But the only other option is to love no one, get close to no one, shelter ourselves from everyone. And that's not how God created us, nor is it His will for our lives.
If we choose to hold onto pain instead of love. If we choose to run from those who hurt, or have the potential to hurt us, we walk away from that which God created us to be. We also acknowledge that Christ loved/loves us even when we do not reciprocate, yet we are not willing to be Christ-like in that way.
If you divorce because you are feeling neglected, you state that God's promise to bring you through the valley, to never forsake you, to give you the desires of your heart.... Well, you state that His promises are not enough.
Marriage, in my mind, is something that a person should never give up on. It's the single greatest promise to a person and to God that we will ever make. It's one that we need to keep. Divorcing won't make the pain go away... it won't make things "all better"....
By mentioning divorce, contemplating it, you are giving Satan the control of your life that he wants. Please don't let him win.
I've been accused of being to black and white on divorce - too narrow minded. I am. I believe that the Bible is very clear about divorce, and that's where my views come from. That being said, I reject the comment that I "can't understand (my) situation because you have never been there" or (insert reasons that divorce A is different than divorce B).
Let's take God's word out of it for just a moment, because there's always a response of "He will forgive me".
Divorce is the WORSTE experience a person can go through. People say it's almost as bad as death, I say that it's much, much worse. In all but suicide, death is typically involuntary and has nothing to do with personal rejection. Divorce is the exact opposite - it has everything to do with personal rejection. Rejection of the spouse as a person, rejection of the marriage vows and covenant, rejection of a promise that, no matter what, that person would always be there. It's a horribly painful experience. And as I've said before... it fixes absolutely nothing.
If you leave your spouse because he has caused you pain, and think that it will be better alone or with someone else, you may likely be living in a fantasy world. The fact of the matter is that the very nature of loving someone else forces us into a position of being hurt in ways that we cannot imagine. But the only other option is to love no one, get close to no one, shelter ourselves from everyone. And that's not how God created us, nor is it His will for our lives.
If we choose to hold onto pain instead of love. If we choose to run from those who hurt, or have the potential to hurt us, we walk away from that which God created us to be. We also acknowledge that Christ loved/loves us even when we do not reciprocate, yet we are not willing to be Christ-like in that way.
If you divorce because you are feeling neglected, you state that God's promise to bring you through the valley, to never forsake you, to give you the desires of your heart.... Well, you state that His promises are not enough.
Marriage, in my mind, is something that a person should never give up on. It's the single greatest promise to a person and to God that we will ever make. It's one that we need to keep. Divorcing won't make the pain go away... it won't make things "all better"....
By mentioning divorce, contemplating it, you are giving Satan the control of your life that he wants. Please don't let him win.
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Be sure to read alaskamolly's post. She is absolutely correct. Trying to get a divorce and serve God at the same time is impossible. When I was away from God and separated from my husband there came a time when divorce was the next step. But even separation felt like trying to row a boat upstream in a strong current. Your gut tells you this is wrong, listen to it.
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