Feeling Pretty Hopeless!

[RachelZ]

Hi...hope others are doing OK today. Struggling quite a bit at the moment...feel I haven't enough belief that my main problem is OCD to treat it as such. So I feel like if it isn't OCD then I'm stuffed cos not treating it as such doesn't seem to help and if it is OCD then I'm also stuffed cos I haven't the courage to treat it like others do on here. Sometimes I just get a strong sense that thinking it's OCD is not true and then I feel so sad. Sometimes but seemingly less and less it seems so obvious it is OCD and I get hopeful that I can improve. I truly feel that it may well be the case that I am just a whimp who can't face the realities of life so get anxious and that anxiety masquerades as OCD. That is such a terrible possibility. Sorry to be moaning again. Thanks for listening...take care, Rachel

 

[kicker]

Hey rachel, I know exactly how you feel. I wonder the same things and sometimes I feel like a scared kid who can't handle real life and be strong like others. I don't doubt that ocd exists but I wonder sometimes if that's what is wrong with me or am I just being hard hearted and selfish

James

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Rachel, every single person in the world could tell you it's OCD, but because you have OCD, you'll never be able to "feel" you believe it. You will always doubt your diagnosis - that's just how OCD works. At some point, you have to take the leap of faith and treat it as such, taking the risk that proper OCD treatment is ignoring a "bigger" problem.

We have all felt like the exception to the rule, or that everyone else has OCD, but I'm the one person who doesn't and it's a real problem. That reeks of OCD!

Have you considered contacting Dr. Philipson's clinic? You can speak with one of his trained therapists via telepone for under £27 a session (you guys are benefiting from our weak dollar! lol!) Trust me, this stuff works. I sat around for so long wishing this stuff would just go away on its own or that suddenly all my OCD fears would be recognized as false, but as long as I let it get to me and give it credibility, it will always bother me. I'm not 100% better but definitely light years ahead of where I was just six months ago!

 

[gracealone]

HI Rachel,
Ditto's to every word of advice that Sad offered to you. Great stuff!
I've also dwelt long and hard on the doubt filled theme that it wasn't really OCD at the root of my problems but just me - an unbelieving, doubt filled, corrupted person etc. So although it doesn't remove the excruciating anxiety you feel at this time rest assured that as far as religious OCD is concerned these questions are abnormally, normal.
I have been most encouraged by the fact that Mr. John Bunyan never had at his disposal the advantage that I've had in being able to read about and understand the disorder of OCD and yet he was still able to get to the place where his OCD didn't run his life. How did he do this? By letting go of the questions. By stopping the continual search for proof and certainty. By letting the blashphemous statements pop into his head, even while preaching, but not letting them stop him from doing God's work. By choosing to walk in obedience to God without his emotions validating his decision. He even allowed himself to contemplate the possibility that he might still, in the end, wind up in hell seperated from God. But he never, ever wavered from exercising his volitional will in choosing to act in faith and to glorify the name of Jesus Christ for the remainder of his life. Though he lived in an age when the term OCD wasn't even heard of he still learned to do exposure/response therapy without the guidance of a skilled psychiatrist.
Bunyan quote:
doubt filled questions/obsessions: "But whither must you go when you die? What will become of you? Where will you be found in another world? What evidence have you for heaven and glory, and an inheritance among them that are sanctified?"
Response: "Wherefore I thought, the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no: if God doth not come in, thought I, I will leap off the ladder even blindfolded into eternity, sink or swim, come heaven, come hell; Lord Jesus, if thou wilt catch me, do; if not, I will venture all for thy name."
Bunyan lived from 1628-1688. He wrote sixty books which even today are producing fruit for the Kingdom of God. He was sorely afflicted with religious OCD but the affliction only strenghtened his resolve to excersise his free will and volitional faith to follow and obey his Lord. Those of us on this forum understand his pain. We also have the same choices before us that he did. OCD cannot rob us of choosing to serve Christ even when our emotions don't line up to validate that decision. We can still say just as he did...
"I am for going on.."
Praying for you,
Mitzi
CS Lewis
"The emotion of fear is, in itself, no sin. The act of cowardice is all that matters."

 

[kaykay9.0]

Rachel, every single person in the world could tell you it's OCD, but because you have OCD, you'll never be able to "feel" you believe it. You will always doubt your diagnosis - that's just how OCD works. At some point, you have to take the leap of faith and treat it as such, taking the risk that proper OCD treatment is ignoring a "bigger" problem.

We have all felt like the exception to the rule, or that everyone else has OCD, but I'm the one person who doesn't and it's a real problem. That reeks of OCD!

Have you considered contacting Dr. Philipson's clinic? You can speak with one of his trained therapists via telepone for under £27 a session (you guys are benefiting from our weak dollar! lol!) Trust me, this stuff works. I sat around for so long wishing this stuff would just go away on its own or that suddenly all my OCD fears would be recognized as false, but as long as I let it get to me and give it credibility, it will always bother me. I'm not 100% better but definitely light years ahead of where I was just six months ago!

Excellent, excellent post, Sad! Rachel, I would just say ditto to all that Sad said here. I especially thought the part at first where she explains that the doubt about it even BEING OCD is part of the OCD too! My counselor told me one time (making a pun) that I needed to get out of the River De-nial (the Nile) and she was right. As Sad said, doubting that it even is OCD is part of the OCD often times!!! It DOES feel risky, but then that's part of OCD too~~not wanting to take ANY risk. Does this make sense?
Praying for you~

 

[forgiveable]

I am so grateful to hear the words of encouragement this morning. I just took my kids to school and I really needed it. Although you were replying to a plea for help from someone else. It has also encouraged me this morning.. Thank You! ~B

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks for all your replies...glad they helped you too forgiveable! I hope the responses have helped you too James...I'm sorry you are struggling as well.

Thanks Sad...and like your new glam look!! I really hear what your saying in that doubting i'ts OCD is part of the OCD. It's just sometimes and it feels more and more often, I really feel like what I actually need to do is accept my doubts as reality. At the moment it's not really the religous stuff which is foremost though no doubt it would be if I read my bible more! It's the relationship issue...it's killing me...I keep feeling so lousy and can't seem to shake it. I also feel guilty cos if my hubby knew all my thoughts I know how hurt he'd be. I keep comparing and questioning and when I try to pray it feels like I'm running through treacle so taking it to God isn't easy either. The thing is people do get into relationships that aren't right and I keep thinking maybe I wouldn't be like this if it was OK. I mean maybe all these feelings are just proof that what I fear is true really is. Obviously I don't want what I fear to be true so maybe that's why I get so hideously anxious. I know that whether it's true or not the right thing to do is act lovingly...but I'm finding it so hard to do that when I feel so consumed with doubts and fears. This current issue has gone on now on and off for about six years...maybe it's just time I accepted that it isn't OCD but that it's an overexagerated anxiety response to real life.

When you say that it's under £27 to speak to someone is the call cost on top of that?

Thanks Gracealone and KayKay...I agree that Sad speaks a lot of sense. I just don't know whether it applies to me or not. I know that if something isn't 100% right I can get highly anxious so how can I tell if my anxiety is me getting over anxious about reality or me having an OCD episode? I feel like I've really gone downhill again...when I feel better I can't imagine why I felt so bad but now I'm feeling worse again I just think well maybe what I thought when I felt better was just the wishful thinking of someone who is feeling positive.

This is killing me...I feel anxious, guilty, ashamed and confused...although even as I thought about being confused I thought am I? Or do I really know the truth but would rather think I was confused so there's hope I might be wrong? I don't know how to climb out of this...I don't know what to do or what to think or how to pray. I do know that my poor husband is living with someone who is not being all that he needs and deserves me to be. I used to be able to get some reassurance that it was OCD and a light would switch on and I'd feel better for a while...now I seem to be able to hold onto it being OCD less and less...maybe I did take the leap of faith to treat it as OCD when it might not be and this is the unfortunate result...that I've proved that it isn't and fallen flat on my face. I mean if everyone truly did have OCD who took that leap of faith it wouldn't be a leap of faith would it? Does that make sense? Maybe there really isn't any hope for me and that stupid grain of hope within me is just a mirage. Maybe I am being judged by God for being what He doesn't what me to be and doing what He doesn't want me to do.

Thanks again guys...sorry I'm being so negative...I'd love to just take on board all you've said and keep hoping but it seems too hard...maybe that's because I'm not meant to. Hope you all have a good day...take care, Rachel

 

[RachelZ]

I have just had this thought that my fears are logical. If that is the case then this isn't OCD. Why didn't God reveal that to me before? Why let me go down this blind alley if now H'es showing me that my thoughts do make sense and are logical? Sorry, I know He has every right to do as He chooses. There are verses that can be brought up to counter religous OCD and logic that can come into play with other types of OCD but I feel that with me there is nothing like that. If my fears make sense then my question about is this or is this not OCD has been answered and I don't know what hope I have left. I feel so sad...sorry again, Rachel

 

[Jayangel81]

Maybe I am being judged by God for being what He doesn't what me to be and doing what He doesn't want me to do.

John 3:17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn (Judge you) the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

I donno Rachel, God says something different

Why let me go down this blind alley if now H'es showing me that my thoughts do make sense and are logical.

What makes you think its actually Him thats showing you this? There are other forces at work in the world, do not forget that. And I have seen it too often on these forums.

Sorry, I know He has every right to do as He chooses.

Well Hes not giving you this sense of hopelessness

If my fears make sense then my question about is this or is this not OCD has been answered and I don't know what hope I have left. I feel so sad...

Are you so quick to think that? The only time you dont have hope is when you give up Dont give in and keep fighting. We cant rest our hopes in ourselves but on God.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Because if it WASN'T OCD, you wouldn't feel this bad. Sure it would be sad to be married to someone you didn't love, but you feel a sense of calm and peace about your decision to not stay married. Maybe you would feel some anxiety about being on your own, but in your heart it would be what you wanted. However, I can tell from your posts that leaving is NOT what you want, that you WANT to be married to your husband, that you want to stay married, it's just these darn feelings that get in the way that make you feel like you can't have the things you want. Normal people without OCD face facts and make decisions, they don't torture themselves for six years with these types of thoughts. TRUST yourself in that if you didn't love your hubby you wouldn't have married him in the first place. Sooner or later you just have to accept it's OCD and your brain isn't working as it should be. It might also be time to try a new anti-depressant. Luvox (fluvoxamine) is great for OCD and works very well.

The £27 is without phone costs but you can download SKYPE (www.skype.com) that allows you to make free phone calls over your computer to anyone in the world. There is a guy from London on SIAD who is doing this exact thing with Dr. Philipson. But when you embark on this type of therapy you have to be committed. It's hard and it takes a lot of hard work for several months. Most people can get better within 4-5 months, but if you're not willing to live with short-term pain then it will just be a waste of money.

Praying for you!

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

I have just had this thought that my fears are logical. If that is the case then this isn't OCD. Why didn't God reveal that to me before? Why let me go down this blind alley if now H'es showing me that my thoughts do make sense and are logical. Sorry, I know He has every right to do as He chooses. There are verses that can be brought up to counter religous OCD and logic that can come into play with other types of OCD but I feel that with me there is nothing like that. If my fears make sense then my question about is this or is this not OCD has been answered and I don't know what hope I have left. I feel so sad...sorry again, Rachel

Or it could be OCD and not God. God doesn't speak to us in fear, but love. He would never tell you to get a divorce (since he hates divorce), he would never intentionally make you afraid or fearful or ful of anxiety. God offers us hope, not the opposite. You're taking OCD at its word and giving it too much credit!

 

[gracealone]

HI Rachel,
Sad is right, precisely right!! If you need to do so - go back and read her posts again and again until they really sink in.
Let's see now...six years of devotion to your husband - of being there and doing the right things, of obeying God even when your feelings won't validate you, if that's not love then what is? Love is far more than feeling good about a relationship - it's a choice.
CS. Lewis said -"Obedience is the key to all doors."
You are in a really bad OCD flare. You have to know that - deep down you really do. It's just so darn hard to see your way clearly through this storm of anxiety and it's co-commitent depression.
I would feel just like you about my relationship to God - so in a way religious OCD is very much lke ROCD. I would feel that what was happening to me wasn't really OCD but just me being me. Me not believing, me turning away from God, me turning into an atheist, me about to divorce myself from him. Then the sadness and despair would kick in. And yet instead of actually divorcing myself from Him I would pray over and over that He would forgive me, accept me, not leave me etc. I would stay in the relationship, I would choose to serve and obey him even though I couldn't find one shred of emotional validation to support my choice. Job did this too - "Though He slay me yet will I trust Him." Nothing can remove your choice to stay in your marraige, to do everything in your power to be the best wife you can be to your husband. Fear does not remove our free will. It only makes us feel miserable.
If you need the help of a professional skilled in the treatment of OCD such as Dr. Phillipson then I agree with Sad that you should pursue it. OCD is painful, excruciatingly painful. No one should have to suffer when there is help available to treat the symptoms.
I am praying for you. I want you to know that I greatly admire your devotion to your husband in the same way that I admire the devotion of those on this forum with religious OCD to Jesus Christ.
Bunyan: (when contemplating Job's response to his wife's suggestion -"Why don't you just curse God and die.") "How now, thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul to desire to serve God when all is taken from him?( ie. any shred of evidence that God loved him or that his life was pleasing to God). Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing rather than give out?"
Is she a godly wife who will serve her husband even when all is taken from her?
I think you know the answer to that.
Love you,
Mitzi

 

[kaykay9.0]

I donno Rachel, God says something different
What makes you think its actually Him thats showing you this? There are other forces at work in the world, do not forget that. And I have seen it too often on these forums.
Well Hes not giving you this sense of hopelessness

That's right, Jay!

Or it could be OCD and not God. God doesn't speak to us in fear, but love. He would never tell you to get a divorce (since he hates divorce), he would never intentionally make you afraid or fearful or ful of anxiety. God offers us hope, not the opposite. You're taking OCD at its word and giving it too much credit!

Excellent, excellent advice, Sad! Exactly on target.

HI Rachel,
You are in a bad OCD flare.
Love you,
Mitzi

Mitzi nailed it, and Rachel girl, I have also been there before. We probably all have. I am praying for you as I have been. I DO think you should make every attempt to get some treatment and/or counseling. I don't know. Do you have a pastor or pastor's wife or someone Godly in your life who could help you just sort out some of this in the meantime. Our pastor's wife did much to set me straight one time when I was just reeling in an OCD spike. She later said she didn't even know about me being diagnosed with OCD, but the first thing out of her mouth was, "THIS is OCD." (She was familliar with it because her sister struggles with OCD.) I don't know if there's anyone you could go to like that, but if so, you might consider it.

Please, as you said, try to take in what we're telling you here. There IS a pattern to these kind of things and most of us have seen it in our own lives.
Praying for you~

 

[RachelZ]

Hi...really sorry I haven't replied to all your responses before...it's absolutely not because I don't appreciate your replies but because I don't allways find it easy to get time to come on and write much. I've just spent quite a while writing a response and my son managed to lose it all...19 months olds and computers don't allways mix well!! So here goes again...sorry if it's not as detailed as it was first time around...its' not because I don't value your replies...

Thank JayAngel for your wisdom and that verse. I agree that God has said He didn't come to condemn us but I do believe that there are judgement consequences to our actions and if I've done wrong then that could be what's happening. I wish I had your faith in God's mercy and love in action!

Thanks Sad...I agree that I'm not responding normally...my struggle is in believing that that's becuase it's ROCD...my fear is that I am responding in an overly anxious way. I absolutely agree that God wouldn't want me to get a divorce and neither would I...I just need to know the truth and what's real and if I've screwed up big time and then work out how to deal with and live with the consequences of that. I'd love to get some ERP therapy but just don't have the money to commit to anything long term...that may sound like a cop out but honestly if I could get it on the NHS I'd jump at it! I really wish I had your strength and belief in God's kindness and in this being OCD. I am not at my worst but far from good and it feels like there's a strained atmosphere between me and my husband. I just don't kow how to act as if I didn't think and feel all these horrible things. And to cap it all because of the nature of what I'm thinking and feeling I feel guilt as well. I wish I could get the strength up to tackle this but unless I have a real belief that it's OCD I don't know how to. Sometimes the anxiety abates and the thoughts don't and I think well if it's not just anxiety then maybe that shows it's not OCD.

Thanks Mitzi for all your wisdom and kindness. I agree that reading Sad's posts till they sink in seems a good idea but I'm scared I'll convince myself of something that isn't true. I don't even know that I can say that deep down I know it's OCD...all I do know is that when I felt better I thought that if I went downhill again I'd be able to recognise it for what it was and not reality but now it's happened it's so hard to do. The thing is there must be people who are living in denial saying they're suffering from OCD when they're not...maybe I'm one of them.

Thanks KayKay...it is helpful that you can recognise in what I'm doing what you and others do too! Yes it would be good to speak to someone but I don't know who. I chatted to my best friend the other day and she usually helps but I can't dump on her all the time. I feel worried and embarrassed telling others about it and if they didn't understand they could make matters worse. Also because it hones in on my relationship I feel bad about sharing that too. I feel like this is draining me and yet I need all the energy I can get to do what needs to be done. I used to be able to say with pretty much something near certainty that I'd be like this whoever I was married to but the things that used to reassure seem to have lost their power. I don't know where to turn for help apart from here and what to do. And yet if I can't take on board everyone's advice here then what can I do?

Sorry...really do appreciate your kindness...gonna have to go before the little one wrecks the computer desk! Thanks again and take care...Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Rachel, we NEVER truly know 100% that it's OCD. We are never completely certain, because OCD thrives on doubt, even doubt that it's really OCD. People with OCD doubt their diagnosis all the time. You are never going to come to the absolute certainty and full belief that it's OCD. OCD just won't let you. You will spend your entire life looking for proof it's OCD and not a real threat, and never be able to find it. I can't tell you how many stories I've read of people with the exact same obsessions, of how many times other people's obsessions follow the same pattern, same feelings, same thought process as me, and I STILL struggle with the belief that it's OCD. I had the fortunate luck for my OCD to completely go into remission for about six months (only because I was obsessing about religion) where I knew it was OCD, but only because it wasn't bothering me. But when it came roaring back, I was not any more convinced that it was OCD. All feeling of certainty and knowledge that it was OCD was gone. I could not convince myself as hard as I tried that it was OCD, even though I am (and you are) textbook OCD.

That's why ultimately, in order to get better, at some point you just have to take the leap and not look back. If you wait around for some day for it to be suddenly revealed to you that it's been OCD all along, it's not going to happen. Eventuallly all reassurance loses its effectiveness. I used to spend HOURS on message boards reading reasuring things and I knew at a certain point that nothing was going to work anymore. The effectiveness of reassurance becomes less and less the more you rely on it. The things that used to reassure you, don't reassure you anymore because OCD is crafty enough to work around. I believe Dr. Philipson once said that any attempt at reassurance leaves room for doubt, and OCD will latch on to that doubt.

There is no "truth" here to find out, trust me, after six years if there was a "truth" you'd have found it by now. Our minds don't know something subconsciously that we don't know consciously. It's not waiting for us to get into a hairy situation and reveal some sort of "truth" or revelation to us. We know what we know. There is no secret truth waiting to jump out at us at an opportune time.

There is a chance that people who think they have OCD, really don't. But trust me when I say that the facade of having OCD doesn't last long. When I worked with Dr. Philipson one of the first things I asked was if he had ever diagnosed someone as having OCD that didn't really have it. In 20 years, nobody was misdiagnosed. I had to go to four different therapists who ALL diagnosed me as OCD before I finally said, ok, I have to taks the risk that I'm not ignoring a bigger problem here, and treat it as such. Either way, the outcome is the same. Either I have OCD, I treat it and go through some worthwhile pain in order to live with the disorder, or I don't have OCD, I still stay married and learn to love my husband like a Godly wife should.

Finding out this allusive "truth" doesn't change the outcome. If my obsession about not being a Christian or God not being real turns out to be true, 1) I won't know that until I die, 2) it doesn't change my values or beliefs/desires to be close to God. My life remains unchanged. Does that make sense? Praying for you, to find some peace.

 

[Jayangel81]

Thank JayAngel for your wisdom and that verse. I agree that God has said He didn't come to condemn us but I do believe that there are judgement consequences to our actions and if I've done wrong then that could be what's happening. I wish I had your faith in God's mercy and love in action!

Hmm theres a big line between God disciplining us and condemning us. You cant always go with what you believe. Some of the things I believe come from my OCD and being irrational because of it. Instead rest on what God says instead.

 

[gracealone]

Quote RachelZ

I...I just need to know the truth and what's real

Learning to manage our OCD means letting go of the demand for proof, certainty and reassurance. It means learning to live with and accept the feelings of uncertainty and doubt. Hard, hard work.



Sometimes the anxiety abates and the thoughts don't and I think well if it's not just anxiety then maybe that shows it's not OCD.

OCD thoughts don't go away because you can't unthink a thought. But you can learn how to respond to the thoughts in a thereaputic way that will evetually, over time cause them to pop up less and less and eventually extinguish the fire of anxiety that they cause.

I agree that reading Sad's posts till they sink in seems a good idea but I'm scared I'll convince myself of something that isn't true.

This is very similar to my fear that if I took medication for my OCD and it didn't work that that would mean it wasn't OCD at all. Or if I went to a professional for help and they said, "I'm sorry Mitzi, this isn't OCD at all" that would mean I was doomed for sure. Risky business! But being willing to "take the risk" is key to learning to manage OCD. Also, reading these posts will cause you to focus on your OCD obsession which is a form of exposure. You're afraid to read the posts in the same way someone with religious OCD might be afraid to read their Bible for fear that what they read will convince them that they don't have OCD at all but are really and truly a unbeliever, cut off from God etc. But if they refuse to read their Bible they are giving in to the OCD by doing the avoidance behavior's. So my advice to you is to take the risk, swallow the feelings of uncertainty, embrace them, expect them - look them square in the face and say "bring it on baby - throw you're worst at me - I'll not back down, give in or give up!!" Grit, guts and determination!!

I don't even know that I can say that deep down I know it's OCD..

Yep - that's the nature of OCD doubt, fear, uncertainty.

.all I do know is that when I felt better I thought that if I went downhill again I'd be able to recognise it for what it was and not reality but now it's happened it's so hard to do.

Yes.. same thing happened to me. OCD always, always hurts it's always, always hard to do the therapy but the quicker you do it the faster you'll heal. It's very hard to walk on a leg that's been broken, but if that walking, though it brings intense pain is the only road to healing that leg you simply must walk. Another example of this is that when I gave birth to my first child the pain was so intense that I really didn't even want to ever do it again. But then after a time the memory of the pain faded and I figured that it would be so much easier next time round since I'd already been through it once before. But I was wrong and while I was in labor for my second child I felt the pain just as badly as I did with the first. But one thing I knew for sure - "This too shall pass!!"

The thing is there must be people who are living in denial saying they're suffering from OCD when they're not...maybe I'm one of them.

Maybe, what if, etc., again - only way out of this is to stop demanding certainty - stop looking for the exits. I know - the urge to keep looking is intense so it takes tremendous effort and practice to just let it be.

I don't know where to turn for help apart from here and what to do. And yet if I can't take on board everyone's advice here then what can I do?

Rachel forgive me if you've already said - but are you on any medications to assist you in your efforts to do ERP on your own?
Huge hurdle for me to take meds. But eventually my suffering outweighed my fears, (and they were OCD fears) of taking the meds.
Other things to do are consistent aerobic exercise, no caffiene, relaxation techniques etc. Don't stop coming into the forum and reading. Then read and re-read Dr. Phillipson's articles until you know them practically by heart. My therapist took the wrong approach to my OCD so I had to learn exposure/response on my own. It's possible so don't be discouraged.

Stay with us because we want to stay with you, to encourage you, to cry with you and to pray that God will use any of us or or even one of us to help you find your way in the midst of this distressing affliction.
"And we being many are one body in Christ."
Love you,
Mitzi

 

[kaykay9.0]

Thanks Sad & Mitzi for your input to Rachel. It's helping me, too, in my current bad spike!

Rachel, you can see that I still sometimes struggle with obsessions too. In my own thread, I've admitted that clearly today. I would just add that I am 52! Just understood that this is OCD about 3-4 years ago, but have been struggling since I was 7 years old. I still sometimes get in denial too, but one thing that helps me, EVEN in my current spike/obsession is to review my PREVIOUS obsessions! I can look back at the pattern of them and see in hindsight that they WERE OCD and that the frequency of them CLEARLY shows that I have a problem. It helps me to realize that even though the current one may seem real, more than likely, MUCH more than likely, we're talking OCD here too.... How many times to do I have to repeat this pattern before I get a clue??? (With OCD, it can be a myriad of times! LOL!)

One time when I was kinda in a "denial" that my prob wasn't real, my counselor said, " your problem is NOT out here (gesturing to the external surroundings.) Your problem is in HERE." (pointing to her head) She was so right. Actually, coming to this forum was one of the things that helped solidify in my mind what my counselor had been saying all along Seeing some of the problems, feelings and issues expressed here was like looking in a mirror!

Even when I'm caught in a vicious, stubborn obsession like I am right now, I have to admit...I CAN see the OCD pattern...and Rachel, maybe you can in your own life too.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Another thing I thought about, Rachel, that I think is at the very least somewhat interesting~ My husband knows relatively little, if anything, about how OCD is treated or what is recommended for it. When I was battling one of my more stubborn obsessions and had been for awhile, he told me that he thought I should just rebuke it and turn completely away from it (i.e. not argue with it, seek reassurance about it, deal with it etc.) I told him that I couldn't do that because it MIGHT actually be God. My husband then said something like, "Well, it's your choice, but I prayed about it and I believe that this is what God Himself showed me that you should do." I didn't do this. I just continued to suffer with it. Again...interesting, huh?


(And yes, I'm preaching to myself as well here! LOL!)

 

[RachelZ]

Thankyou Sad, JayAngel, Mitzi and KayKay...I am truly grateful to God for your wisdom and compassion...I know how difficult it can be at times to get time to post stuff and I really appreciate you taking so much time to help me. OCD can be a lonely thing to deal with but coming here it feels less so and that's down to people like you. A forum doesn't work just cos it's a forum...it works, or doesn't work because of the people who belong to it...I hope you know how much of a difference you make for good!

Sad, as ever you talk so much sense...ever thought of becoming a psychologist? It really helps to know that you also have found that despite knowing it's OCD when you feel better that that doesn't impact much on your current struggle. Even writing that I'm thinking well did I know it was actually OCD or just that it wasn't normal...I can't honestly remember but I do know that there have been times where it's seemed so obvious that it's OCD. You describe me to a tee when you talk about searching for that ultimate truth...truth has allways been important to me to the point where I have had to tell people I changed my plans and did something different to what I'd told them cos I felt anxious that I had told them something that didn't end up happening. In fact I think I've even gone to a supermarket just cos I said I was going to even though I changed my mind about wanting to go just so what I told someone would be true. Even as a kid I used to say something like "I won't say I will and I won't say I won't just in case I'm lying" when asked if I was going to the shop. Mad huh!

It helps an awful lot what you said about reassurance not working so well any more...that helps me feel less anxious about why that's happening. It can feel like it's just proving it wasn't OCD all along. It also helps that like you say whatever turns out to be true the outcome is the same...it's so helpful that you have been where I am at! I guess the only bit of that I struggle with is thinking but if I choose a wrong path then the outcome may not be the same cos if I follow God in a wrong way I may be judged for it. That doesn't apply to the marriage thing although I do think if it was not God's will then I need to truly repent...but with the God stuff I get so scared of falling of the tightrope of His will! But anxiety is a poor compass and I know that that is what I MUST deal with!

ThanksJayJay...how right you are in that some of what we believe comes from OCD and as such is irrational...I wish I oculd learn to discern the difference!

Thanks Mitzi...you talk such sense!! Yes I am scared that things will disprove it's OCD but I'm also scared of convincing myself it's OCD if it's not...but like you say, doubt is the nature or OCD and boy am I good at doubting! Yes I am on meds though prolly not a high enough dose but I'm still feeding our son so want to minimise any drug transference in the milk although what I'm on is regarded as low risk. I really appreciate the warmth and compassion that comes accross in your posts and the urge to stay here and allow you to BE with me in this. That verse is a good one...we are one body and I thank you for caring about my part in that!

I'm really pleased KayKay that this thread is helping you too...I'm just sorry you're struggling too! I so appreciate your kindness to me especially in the middle of an OCD flare up! Your counsellor was right...so much of what we struggle with goes on in our heads...I feel sometimes like thinking is my god! Yes it does help to see how others struggle with similar issues and thought patterns...I'm grateful for their honesty!!

What an interesting answer to prayer your husband felt he had!! I worry about what God really thinks of OCD and it's treatment but that certainly seems to imply that God is for us and understands how we need to treat it! Thanks for sharing that!

I too didn't get a diagnosis for years and I think it's prolly something that has affected me even as a child. I think I was 35 when I got a diagnosis and that was only cos I wondered if I had it went to my GP and got a referral to a psychiatrist. I'm 38 now so a fairly new diagnosee...think I've just invented a new word lol! In some ways I'm cross that it wasn't picked up o before but then maybe I couldn't have handled the diagnosis then. Really hope you are feeling better today!

Thanks again everyone...I have felt more positive last night and today so far and reading your posts last night I feel that I really should try and go for it treatment wise. I will go round in a circle of doubt over the diagnosis potentially forever otherwise! I need to try responding to every spike with a "So what?" or a "Maybe so!" or a "Could be!" or something along those lines. I think it would be good as well to try and read my bible and tackle the religous thing too...if I feel condemned then all I can do is leave that with God to show me what's real! I feel scared even thinking about it but then I feel scared anyway so... I don't know how I'm going to get on cos I've tried before and failed but I feel I have to give it another shot and also I owe it to you all to at least try after all the help you've given me! Just thinking about it makes me feel a bit like a rabbit caught in the glare of headlights on the road but if I don't take some action then the danger is I'll just get more and more squished!

I appreciate all your prayers...please pray for courage and wisdom if you get a spare moment to do so...sending hugs, take care, Rachel