Feeling near to death through ignoring the Holy Spirit call

[Rosesandthorns]

I am sure that whoever has read my posts will know I have been struggling with my Salvation. I am grateful for all of the comments and encouragement, this place has been my hope when I couldn't feel any.

I remember the moment I felt the HS leave. It has been downhill since then.

I know that something is wrong with my consciousness, My conscience is so seared I can't tell the difference any more from sin. I don't feel the HS. I don't feel conviction.. I cant even cry for the evil around me I just a sense of dread.

Over my 24 years I've commited so many terrible sins, abortion when I was 18, I've been a terrible daughter, I've drunk, done drugs, I've said things about God in my temper ECT. When I realized that Jesus was real I almost couldn't believe he would accept me so I continued in my pride of thinking I could be good. I clung to this hope of being "good" in my own thinking, works and didn't depend on the Lord. I went back to my own vomit many times. I have tasted the goodness of God, many times now and went back to sin. I couldn't tell if the enemy was trying to trick me into thinking I was a worse sinner than I was but he certainly kept me from repenting in my heart through this belief that God was already done with me. I am so desperate for a miracle that I feel my life slipping from me.

I wanted so much to turn to God but my heart is so hardened beyond the belief that the Lord can save me. I have tried and tried to repent but I felt no pulling of the Holy Spirit. Though some may think I was dramatising the words I am saying I am not. I am now bedridden, my sense of self feels vauge, I feel my own sense of perception and understanding slipping away from me and I feel as though I cannot truly genuinely repent. The only thing I feel now is fear. I'm writing this as if it is my last message I want to warn others please accept the Lord.


If you think God is telling you there's any hope left for me would you pray that somehow he miraculously pulls me out or has mercy on my soul. I fear this really is the blasphemy spoke about in the Bible.. and I'm afraid nobody could say otherwise because I don't feel God any more.

 

[Lost4words]

Bedridden?

Be strong. God never abandons anyone. You truly seek God. He knows that. His arms are always open.

Remember that God is mercy and love. Jesus came to save sinners.

Tell God your worries. Repent of your sins. Offer up your sufferings to God. Remember that as you carry your cross, Jesus is indeed carrying you!

God bless you

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Yes. Bedridden. I have cried out pages and pages of writing to God and I feel no comfort, I feel this is a result of my direct defiance to coming to him as a child and he's taken the Holy Spirit away.. God loves me but I just kept going back to sin. He knows my heart, I thank you for your comforting words as they are the only things giving me hope..
I am sorry that it's gotten this far.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Someone said to me that if you continually reject the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit will be grieved to the point where he quenched. I am certain I've done this.

 

[Lost4words]

How are you bedridden if you dont mind me asking?

You know, i have been fighting certain sins for several years! But, even though the devil has won hundreds of battles with me, he will NEVER win the war! NO! Why? Because i love God more than life. However many times i fall, i will ALWAYS get straight back up and run to God.

We are human. We are flesh. We are weak. We have to throw off the weak flesh and believe in God. Jesus is Our Saviour. He died for us. He rose for us. Not everyone finds it easy to stay pure or to do the will of God. So, we have to try harder my friend. We have to grit our teeth and tell the devil that he wont win as We are Gods children. God will not give up on you. Never.

Keep turning to God. That is what i am doing. I am determined to beat evil. I can only do this with Gods help. He will help. I know He will because i desire it so much. I love God so much.

I believe that the Holy Spirit led you here to this wonderful forum.

God bless you

 

[Rosesandthorns]

I have been dealing with chronic illness for a number of years. I felt relief when I started going to church but I fell again and again so many times I felt the presence of the HS leave and it hasn't come back that was 2 years ago. I am afraid I have done blasphemy against the Holy Spirit and even if I did die I will never be forgiven. That frightens me more then any thing. I believe in Jesus but I haven't followed him and I know the response will be "Follow him.. he will forgive you." But I am crying out, daily and I feel reprobate.

 

[harko]

Stop listening to all the bs that's going on in your head! Jesus loves a sinner! Its people like us he came for

 

[Lost4words]

You need to confess your sins. Believe 100% that God has forgiven you and put the past, in the past!

God is mercy and love. Believe in Jesus. Believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

As a Catholic myself, i would seek spiritual guidance.

Please, God loves you. God knows your heart.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Tempura]

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

Stop believing those feelings telling you that you're without spirit. Stop believing the condemnation which you're feeding. The flesh is already crucified along with its deeds, you are a new being in Christ, but you don't believe it yet. You don't know what you are. You think you're a miserable pile of flesh drowning under its sins, instead of a new creation under the law of grace in Christ Jesus. This is something we have to own by faith. By believing it, no matter how impossible it feels, no matter how condemned one feels. We own it by deciding that we want to believe this, a conscious decision, like we're adjusting our point of view, leaving our old mind and reaching for the new one.

Imagine this: Your flesh was already crucified with Christ. But Christ was resurrected. He took you with Him. Since your flesh is already done away, you are resurrected with Christ in spirit. You are now a spiritual being, connected to Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ Himself is responsible for everything good in that communion. You get to be in that communion. He will grow in it. You don't want anyone else but Him to do it. You don't have to break under the burden of your flesh, you are not flesh anymore. This is the real you now. Jesus Christ will help your spirit grow, or more like make HIMSELF grow in you. He's sharing His own essence with you. He's doing it. You are free, and you get to believe it. You get to believe that your perfect savior is perfect.

Does that sound good? Believe it then. Decide that you want to believe it. Think of it as if it's reality. Because it's reality. Thank God for it. The accuser wants you to believe anything else but this. He wants you to stare at your sins in despair for the rest of your life, struggling without relief. He wants you to believe you're condemned and without hope. But we won't have that. No, Christ won't have that. You are His. You get to be His, because you are.

Trust Him to do this. Do not trust yourself. Patience. Be still, no need to fear. Rebuke fear. Fear doesn't get to tell you how things are, and it doesn't get to decide what happens. It doesn't get to do anything.

But what you can do, in addition to believing that Christ has already freed you from this struggle, is to get professional help. You need a helping hand right now, sister. Do not stay there, lying in bed, tormenting yourself. Get help. If you can't get up, call someone, or even the ambulance, doesn't matter. There is no shame in getting help. You need to rest, and what you're doing isn't rest at all. Let yourself rest, sister, sometimes we need to be helped down here, and for that exact reason, God has blessed us with people who know how to do that.

You are a new being in Christ, and you're fighting a fight you don't have to. He gets to do the fighting. We get to trust Him with whatever trust, faith and hope we have, and more will be granted in time. Said a prayer for you.

 

[timothyu]

Someone said to me that if you continually reject the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit will be grieved to the point where he quenched. I am certain I've done this.

If you are upset then you have not rejected.

 

[Bryan H]

I too ran from God. It didn't work out well.

 

[Lost4words]

I too ran from God. It didn't work out well.

Be good to share your story my friend

 

[Messerve]

Someone said to me that if you continually reject the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit will be grieved to the point where he quenched. I am certain I've done this.

I have to do more study on the subject, but I would agree that it's possible to grieve the Holy Spirit. However, that is VERY different than the Holy Spirit leaving for good!

Committing blasphemy against the Holy Spirit involves rejecting the Holy Spirit's conviction of sinfulness. So, in other words, if you were unsaved and were convicted by the Holy Spirit that you needed to get right with God and instead of repenting and accepting His salvation you decided to reject it and keep living in rebellion, that would be blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. And it's unforgivable because no one is even saved, yet, in that position.

I don't believe, if you have given your life to Jesus at some point, that you felt the Holy Spirit leave, but rather you noticed the absence of His voice speaking to you. And it would make sense if that happened following the sins you mentioned above.

I, too, have sinned in ways I regret terribly now. Even to the point of encouraging sinful behavior in someone else's life. I still beg God for His mercy for those things and pray that my words only had a minimal effect on them. But I won't know until Judgment Day, I suppose, what the effect really was.

There have been many times that I needed guidance and felt like the Holy Spirit said nothing. But I do not believe that the Holy Spirit is silent forever. Sometimes the Church seems to teach that repentance is a fast solution and after praying that prayer God will be close to you again and all will be right with the world. But I don't think it's always that way...

If you think of it like hurting a friend, it takes a long time to regain someone's trust after you've hurt them deeply. Saying sorry and changing your ways is only the beginning. You have to prove that things are different this time around by staying on the right path and pursuing holiness. It's hard. Especially after you've developed habits. But if you keep it up and keep seeking Him, I do believe you will eventually be close to Him again and the Holy Spirit will begin speaking to you once more.

One lesson I have learned very recently and has been a game-changer for me so far, is to treat your temptations like poison ivy. If you've ever had a poison ivy rash, you know that your body begs for you to itch the rash, but itching it only gives very temporary relief and the poison ivy can spread further! In order to really heal, you have to re-train yourself to not itch the scratch and just let it itch until it stops itching. We can think the same way about sin. Engaging in a sinful behavior can bring comfort or relief for a time, but in the end we will be even worse off then we were before. In order to conquer sin, we need to make sin a slave to our own spiritual sanctification. In other words, use the struggle to your own benefit. Instead of giving in, remind yourself that it's just the poison ivy wanting to be itched. If you resist "itching the rash", it will actually heal over time.

Also, have some other Christians pray over you in person. Be honest with them about how you feel so lost right now. Maybe one of them has gone through something similar. If you don't have a Christian friend, ask God to send you one. I prayed that prayer for eleven years and finally met someone who I could be ridiculously transparent and raw with. He was a super fun and super godly brother in Christ and I felt comfortable telling him things about myself that I have hardly told anyone... Try to find someone like that.

Don't let go of Jesus, even when everything is pulling you away from Him (including your own heart). If you have to, go somewhere by yourself and scream at the darkness. It helps a little.

I have written many songs feeling as lost and spiritually abandoned as you do. Here are a couple for you to listen to and maybe you can find some encouragement in them:

Never Beyond Your Love
My Ally
Can We Walk Together?
My Frozen Heart
The Bridge

It's true that a heart softened and receptive to His truths isn't something we can decide for ourselves. Only God can give us that by His mercy. But I do believe, that if you are His child and really seeking to be right with Him again, He will in time heal you.

Think of God's relationship with Israel. Even after bringing them back from Babylon and enabling them to rebuild their city and temple and all the people repenting of the sins of their forefathers, they fell away again! So God withdrew His prophets (His voice, more or less) and the people went through a period of 400 years of "abandonment" and oppression. But had God really abandoned them? We know He didn't, because then the New Testament starts and a whole amazing new chapter for the Jewish people begins! God speaks to them again (though many didn't realize it) and gives them the one thing they longed for - the Messiah, Jesus.

What you are going through may be that period of silence, and it can be self-caused. But I've often been told that when God is silent He is actually doing His best work and on the other side of the darkness we'll be rejoicing when we understand His wisdom and mercy, just like with the arrival of Jesus.

Don't give up. He's faithful even when we aren't.

 

[Tempura]

Forgot about this. I'm going through "None But The Hungry Heart" devotional, reading it a lot in one day. Stumbled upon this:

"Are you under accusation, under condemnation? Are you fretting and worrying about the badness of your own heart? That means that you have not the answer of a good conscience to God. What is the matter? You are still looking for something from nature, from the old man. You had better give it up, as that is the only way out; repudiate it. “Tell yourself and tell the accuser once for all that in you, that is, in your flesh, dwelleth no good thing, and you never expect to find anything. The enemy knows it, and yet he is trying to get you on an impossible quest for something he knows you will never find, and that is how he worries you. Years of it!
Then why not come onto the Lord’s ground and out-maneuver him? Let us settle it that we can never expect to find any good in our old nature. All our good is in another, even our Lord Jesus. It is the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus"

Will continue praying for you. May Christ's love heal you.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Is there any help of any pastors or deliverence on the net? I am praying every day and it's as if I just can't get back to God. I need a miracle and that is all I can believe will save me at this point. I feel deadened to sin. I feel as though I know I need the Lord but my conscience has seared so hard, please can someone inbox me with their stories of how they have fell.. I feel very ill, I thought well this is the end so I continued in my rebellion as I thought it truly was the end.. I don't know how to turn things around, how would I even repent at this point where I'm filled with so much darkness what does it mean to repent how do I do it? I am sure it's only because of fear of my eternal salvation that I am repenting. I don't know or understand why the Lord is keeping me alive at this point. I keep holding on to this hope that there is hope but I don't know where it's coming from when my whole body is screaming at me "you are dying."

Committing blasphemy against the Holy Spirit involves rejecting the Holy Spirit's conviction of sinfulness. So, in other words, if you were unsaved and were convicted by the Holy Spirit that you needed to get right with God and instead of repenting and accepting His salvation you decided to reject it and keep living in rebellion, that would be blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. And it's unforgivable because no one is even saved, yet, in that position.

if this is the case I have blasphemed the spirit. What now?

 

[Rosesandthorns]

I too ran from God. It didn't work out well.

What happened?

 

[Lost4words]

Is there any help of any pastors or deliverence on the net? I am praying every day and it's as if I just can't get back to God. I need a miracle and that is all I can believe will save me at this point. I feel deadened to sin. I feel as though I know I need the Lord but my conscience has seared so hard, please can someone inbox me with their stories of how they have fell.. I feel very ill, I thought well this is the end so I continued in my rebellion as I thought it truly was the end.. I don't know how to turn things around, how would I even repent at this point where I'm filled with so much darkness what does it mean to repent how do I do it? I am sure it's only because of fear of my eternal salvation that I am repenting. I don't know or understand why the Lord is keeping me alive at this point. I keep holding on to this hope that there is hope but I don't know where it's coming from when my whole body is screaming at me "you are dying."

if this is the case I have blasphemed the spirit. What now?

Put your trust in God. Offer up your sufferings to God. Take 'me' out of your prayers and pray for 'others' more. Yes, ask God to help you etc but dont concentrate too much on the 'me' bit.

God has a plan for all of us. Some suffer more than others and in different ways too.

God knows your heart. He knows you love Him and repent for all your sins. Believe this.

Show God you believe in Him. Accept His forgiveness. Move forward with God in your heart and soul.

I am struggling with big sin in my life. I too have to move forward. Its not an easy journey. Dont let the devil persuade you that you cannot be saved as you can / are.

 

[Tempura]

I'm pretty sure there is a section on this very site where people can ask pastors questions. I hope someone more familiar with these things reply to you. you'll probably find some with a simple google search too.

You're repenting already. You can't force some magical feelings out of nowhere. God hears you, and He hears our prayers too, many people are praying for you. Calm yourself and let God work. What God does with us is a process. I have never seen miracles myself, but I can see His work in many things in my life, when I look back now. When I was at the worst point in my life, I wanted a miracle. I didn't get it. I got something better. Slowly, without my understanding, God built something for me that can last. If I had gotten a miracle, I'd have thrown it away the next day, never knowing what I had, and my faith would have never grown.

In tribulations, when it seems that God doesn't answer, we learn to be patient and just trust God, instead of ourselves and whatever turmoils we have emotionally. Tribulations are not fun. They don't feel good. But they're for our own good, and after each one we know how to trust God more, instead of desperately trying to conjure something up ourselves, as if we could do it, and as if God couldn't do it in His time. Strong faith requires patience, and this is how we learn patience. You say you want a quick miracle, but God's miracles are better, and we don't even give them the appreciation we should.

You're not supposed to suffer pointlessly though. You seem to be at a point where you just feed your own despair, and it sounds like case of mental illness or a condition you need help with. I needed that help. God uses many people, even unbelievers, to heal and restore us when we need it. Get help, sister. You sound like you could use a place where you could rest and where you could be treated. You are not mentally well and you know it. You need professional help, please get it by any means you can. Call someone, call somewhere. You are not going to fix anything by staring at yourself and obsessing about your feelings of emptiness or condemnation. So get help, relieve yourself of this madness, get some rest, and let God work. He will take care of you, even if you're so very sure that he won't because of something you feel or don't feel.

Said a prayer for you.

 

[Messerve]

Is there any help of any pastors or deliverence on the net? I am praying every day and it's as if I just can't get back to God. I need a miracle and that is all I can believe will save me at this point. I feel deadened to sin. I feel as though I know I need the Lord but my conscience has seared so hard, please can someone inbox me with their stories of how they have fell.. I feel very ill, I thought well this is the end so I continued in my rebellion as I thought it truly was the end.. I don't know how to turn things around, how would I even repent at this point where I'm filled with so much darkness what does it mean to repent how do I do it? I am sure it's only because of fear of my eternal salvation that I am repenting. I don't know or understand why the Lord is keeping me alive at this point. I keep holding on to this hope that there is hope but I don't know where it's coming from when my whole body is screaming at me "you are dying."

if this is the case I have blasphemed the spirit. What now?

Their is a forum on this site where you can speak privately with a chaplain. I've tried it and it's a great way to talk one on one with a Christian who has more experience and wisdom to share.

I do know what you mean about feeling deadened to sin. I also know what it's like to get to the point where you don't even remember what repentance really is. I've had to work through that, unfortunately. Repentance is not simply saying "I'm sorry that I sinned", but making the decision to never look back (not being like a dog returning to vomit). It involves making changes, like staying away from people who are a bad influence, or being more serious about reading the Bible daily, or seeking help for sinful addictions. That's what repentance is. It's easy to ask forgiveness and then moments later do the exact same thing again. But to ask forgiveness, turn your back on the sin, and make those necessary changes - that's true repentance.

As far as the blasphemy thing, the only unforgivable sin is rejecting the Holy Spirit as an unbeliever. If you've given your life to Jesus at any point, then you can't commit that kind of blasphemy. Yes, you can fall away, but the door is always open for you to come back and be healed. You have NOT lost your salvation. The Holy Spirit may be grieved, but He won't be silent forever.

Keep fighting and holding on to what you know is true.