Feeling lost

[blackribbon]

My husband died of cancer 3 years ago as of January. I am 46 and raising 2 young teens alone. God has made himself evident this whole journey. He is taking care of us. Our life looks "normal" again to the outside world. However, inside I feel so empty and alone.

I hate to admit this but I hate going to the Bible anymore. I can't find anything that helps. I read that I'm suppose to dedicate my life to the church so that I don't fall in the trap of idleness or gossip...but I can't imagine a life with any time for idleness now that I am doing the job of two parents. My kids can't care or support me because it is still my job to care and support them. The Bible says that I am suppose to get married...yet, until God drops someone in my life, that isn't happening. Books talk about the first year of widowhood. Other books address widowhood late in life, but not solo parenting. I long for death because that is when we are freed from this flawed world. I am not suicidal though.

I am thankful for what I do have and know that God is active in my life. I am back at school so that I can support myself soon. I should be accepted into the next RN program. I give of myself whenever I see a need and that is where I find a moment of internal peace. But the more I give, it seems like the more people expect of me. I just don't have that much left. I smile and I am living what looks like a very normal life. However, I feel so very alone and lost.

Anyone have any insight that might help me figure out how to live these years that I have between now and death?

 

[NoelAsa]

Welcome blackribbon to Christian Forums. I am sorry about your husband's death. My husband also died of cancer about 4 1/2 years ago. It is hard being on our own without the support of a spouse.

I understand about everything seeming normal on the outside. Most people do not know the turmoil that still exists. For me it is not as bad as it used to be. The first year being the hardest, but it is getting better with time. I still have my moments when I fall back into that trap of despair, but I get out much quicker now.

I am in my 50's and I don't have any children, but there are other people in this forum that do. I am sure that you will be hearing from them.

You seem to be moving forward with your life. Going back to school is wonderful. It shows that you are taking care of yourself.

I know for myself that I moved much to quickly to try to get back into what is considered a normal life. People are so quick to tell what you should be doing. I think that everyone needs to find that out on there own as we are all different and have different needs.

This past year I have pulled back on a lot of things that I was doing. It was not making me happy and I felt I was just filling up time to make other people happy. I am now concentrating on myself. If that means that I have times of being idle then that is what I do. I got tired of trying to live my other peoples expectations.

I don't know if you ever went to grief counseling, but I did that after my husband's death and it really helped me a lot. You might want to consider that. We had people in my group that had recent deaths or deaths that had occurred a long time ago that people were now willing to deal with the grief.

I don't know where in the bible that it says that you have to get married. I think that is a personal choice. I know that it is lonely, because I am, but I believe that if I am to get married again it will be by the will of God so it is nothing that I dwell on.

I long for death because that is when we are freed from this flawed world. I am not suicidal though. I understand what you wrote here because that is what I feel at times. That is when I am filled with despair. I go to my bible when I feel this way. I get great comfort from God's word.

Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

This is my favorite scripture. He is my rock that I cling to.

 

[blackribbon]

Thank you for responding. And yes, I am feeling some despair right now complicated by the holiday season. For me it is the anniversary of watching him die. And yet, I have to find some way to keep it happy and "normal" for our kids.

Yes, I can do it through Christ. There is nothing left that can compare to giving him permission to go on to the afterlife without us. I thank God daily for constantly presenting open doors for us to walk through because I just don't have the strength to find a doorknob. I know that my husband went into God's loving arms and he doesn't hurt anymore.

I have attended grief counseling and have recently started attending a widows group at church when I can make it. That helps some but I am starting to think that nobody has any answers...that we all are walking around behind masks of "being okay". It seems until we stop wearing these masks, then nobody will ever realize that we are still hurting. I find myself pulling out the good and trying to make it okay...and it can be okay at times. But then the busyness quiets down and I am alone again.

And is it bad to desire to find someone or are we supposed to learn how to accept what we are given. Gen 2:18 versus Psalm 68:5. My every need has been provided for ... but my heart still hurts.

 

[hopetoheal]

Dear Blackribbon,

I feel like you do. I just lost my husband 6 weeks ago and I can't believe how bad the pain is. The Lord pulls me through and I get a lot of insights from Him. (Two grown stepsons whose mother passed away.) But I still feel such sad emotion. My main thought right now about remarriage is that I can't imagine myself ever being able to love someone as much as I loved my husband. Yet, to cling to that love in this life is to dwell in the past and I think it would be a mistake. If God wants us to be remarried, I think He is giving us the green light as long as we are within the laws of the state and the land. The only thing I could say to you (which I'll say to myself in a few years) is-- I hope you do find the right one. But, don't expect God to drop him into your life. There are some really good Christian dating sites out there-- which is how I met my love of my life husband eleven short years ago. If you are ready to take the chance, why don't you get on one of them and fill out their questionnaire. That's the modern means God used with me. The one I used was christianemail but I think there's a new one called christianmingle. I can't put the urls in this message, I tried.
Anyway, don't shortchange yourself if you feel you can do it. Your deceased husband may just be sending you someone until we're all united with Christ.

 

[blackribbon]

((Hugs)) to you as you begin this hard journey. I can not fathom how people without faith can survive this pain. God is good even when life is hard.

I have thought about the online dating stuff and although I know that God can work through this media, it isn't for me. The idea of "dating" as a social activity doesn't work for me...even on the very basic level, I just don't have time for it. If I am to find someone, it will have to be through a mutual interest that I already value enough to have given it a peace of my precious time. I do go out with friends on a rare occasion, but we all have family obligations that make these times out something precious...and something that often gets "rescheduled" since the kids take priority. That works with friendship...probably not so great for "dating".

God can do the "drop in your lap", too. My husband and I met because he was interested in my roommate, and I was interested in one of his ROTC buddies. We ended up spending a lot of time together plotting and bemoaning our situations...until we figured out that we made a good team and had a lot of fun together. Friendship grew to love...and although it took a few years for us to act on it, it eventually turned into marriage.

I hadn't thought about it until now but our last two months together were not that unlike our first months together. We were an inseperatable team that spent a lot of time just laughing together...even in the cancer hospital.

I know I can love again. In fact, I have done it even if it didn't work out in the long run. It is because of my husband that I learned how to trust love. I won't settle for less than what I had though. I deserve that much and I know how hard life can be. It takes a lot of love to live through what we have experienced. In the meantime, I just love on people who need to be loved. That feels the empty spot for a little while.

I am feeling a bit better today. I still have questions about life specific to widowhood and God that nobody seems to be able to answer. There are some great resources out there for the first year....but after that, it goes silent. It isn't as bad as that first year (and the second year has its own issues), but it is so far from the old normal that they don't even live in the same state anymore (maybe that is why I had to move...LOL). "Finding yourself" in your 40's is a bit of a pain...and even worse when you were kicked out of a life that you actually liked most of the time.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well it will be 7 years for me on January 23rd, 2012. What I can tell you from my experience is that people kind of do expect you to get over it. I think it's because they don't want to think about it happening to them, and also because they don't know how to deal with our sorrows/pain. I am "OK" for the most part, but I do have my moments. Just the thought of it being 7 years and thinking of the number 7 as a number of completeness as the bible often uses the number 7, makes me feel sad all over again. I know in my heart my husband would not want me to remain in sadness, and neither would Jesus. It doesn't give God any glory to remain in sadness for the rest of our days. However, having said that, there is no set time frame that we can only be sad during. Every person is different. I totally understand about the "dating" and dating sites. I don't think they are for me either. I'm more afraid of meeting some potential serial killer or person that would want to take advantage of me as a widow than not meeting someone to fall in love with. I know that in my Bible study, 2 couples have met online. Good for them. And I am right there with ya, God CAN drop someone in our laps if He so desires. It IS possible, but not probable. My comfort is in reading the word where it talks about God is a defender of widows (Psalm 68:5) and that He will establish the boundary of the widow (Proverbs 15:25). I believe God knows our pain and He is there for us if we draw close to Him. Over this past 7 years I am finally learning that God is my source and I want to do His will above my own. If that means staying single, so be it. If he brings a wonderful man into my life to help me, that would be great too.
I think because each of us grieves differently and for different periods of time, that is why there are no books that can help us. I know you aren't feeling the word right now, but that is the only book that really can help you through what we are going through.

 

[blackribbon]

Thank you. Yes, I'm not "feeling it" but I need to remember that it isn't really about my feelings. God is still God and in control regardless of what I'm feeling.

I think I am a bit frustrated because I kind of expected it to be "better" by now. Everyone else assumes I am. Instead, I'm finding that most widows that I know really feel as lonely and empty as I do and there is just no one to talk to about it. We all "look" like we have it together, but it is really just held together with nothing stronger than bubble gum.

I also have to learn to live one day at a time. It is when I look too far into the future that I become overwhelmed and fall into despair.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

This is true it's a day by day thing and some days will be OK and others will make you feel like jumping off a cliff (don't do it). No one really knows how to "be better" unless and until they either get OK with being on their own or they meet someone that can fill that physical void. Talking here helped me alot at the time. In fact I was looking for something when I stumbled on this site. It used to be a little more active (not much though). Sometimes it's easier to write feelings instead of talking in person (at least for me). Keep the faith, it's the only thing that no one can take from you even if they take your life. God is with us whether we "feel" Him or not. And our circumstances are always subject to change. And sometimes that can be a good thing too.

 

[hopetoheal]

I'm reading with interest all you all are saying. I just spent two days in what I thought was as close to Hell as I've ever been. Today, I said: No more. I've got to FIND what God has already GIVEN me. The knowledge of the resurrection in my own life. I'm not talking about being reunited with my husband someday. Though that will happen. I asked the Lord that I might be enabled and empowered by Him to "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness" -- then, in God's good time let all these things be added unto me. I can't speak for tomorrow, only today. But after all, all we have is today. PLease pray for me and I'll be praying for the three of you: Michelle, Noel and Black Ribbon. God bless.

 

[blackribbon]

I can lead the way. God has provided for me financially...often it is a day by day thing, but we have never gone with something we needed and often have so much more. God led us to a new place to live that has been just what I wanted...it is safe and the kids have activities that they can get to without my help all the time. I have returned to school and am carrying a 4.0 even though I still can't concentrate to read the fiction books that I once loved. I should be accepted into an RN program that will be over the month before I lose my Social Security Survivor's benefits (my youngest turns 16 then). My son will get his driver's license the month before I start nursing school and will be able to help drive his sister and himself and be able to run errands that I just don't have time to. And not the least by any means, God guided us to a new church where both children are really growing in their relationship with Christ. There is more...but that is a healthy start.

 

[NoelAsa]

Praise God blackribbon that He is looking out for you and your family. It is very hard to start over and you are doing an excellent job.

When you speak of being lonely I feel that is just a natural part of losing a spouse. The person who used to be by your side helping you to go through life is now gone. I understand your frustration about wanting things to be better. There really is no set time for getting better. It is just up to each individual. I wish I could give you some wise words and a set program, but I can not. I don't think anyone can.

People who have not experienced a death of a spouse do not understand. We all look fine on the outside, but the inside is so different. They also are not interested in hearing about your pain after a certain amount of time, because in their judgement, you should be over it by now. So I just keep it inside, unless I am talking with my friends who have also lost their husbands.

Just realize that you are not alone and that we feel your pain and understand. Praying for you and your family.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I can lead the way. God has provided for me financially...often it is a day by day thing, but we have never gone with something we needed and often have so much more. God led us to a new place to live that has been just what I wanted...it is safe and the kids have activities that they can get to without my help all the time. I have returned to school and am carrying a 4.0 even though I still can't concentrate to read the fiction books that I once loved. I should be accepted into an RN program that will be over the month before I lose my Social Security Survivor's benefits (my youngest turns 16 then). My son will get his driver's license the month before I start nursing school and will be able to help drive his sister and himself and be able to run errands that I just don't have time to. And not the least by any means, God guided us to a new church where both children are really growing in their relationship with Christ. There is more...but that is a healthy start.

BBM but won't you still get SS for him until he is 18? This is what I thought.

 

[blackribbon]

BBM but won't you still get SS for him until he is 18? This is what I thought.

The kids get theirs until 18 or graduate high school (up to age 19). I was a stay-at-home mom and still don't have earned income so I also get benefits but mine stop when the youngest turns 16 (they assume that I should be able to work by then...problem is that they are homeschooled but we are working toward independent study and maybe taking classes at the community college). Regardless, when the kids turn 18, they get their money and not me.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Oh OK got it. My oldest turns 18 in March and my youngest is 14. I work so I don't get benefits until they figure out how much I made the previous year and then usually the last 2 months of the year and then January I get whatever they decide I have coming.