Feeling like I cannot continue my relationship.

[xBeex]

I have now told my fiance that I don't think that I continue the relationship anymore and here is why:

In the first year of dating he used to go out night clubbing with his friends and did not see anything wrong with this, I had to bring up that I was upset by this as clubs are usually a place where people hook up and I told him that it was not appropriate to do when in a relationship. I have been clubbing before (didn't enjoy it though) and never went when in a relationship with my fiance. What made things worse is that he went to New Years 2011 without me and one of his friends has cheated multiple times on his girlfriend! Another one has cheated once and the other has gotten a fling from a dating site pregnant.

My fiance and I came to an agreement that he would do different activities with his friends, yet despite this he still went on a night out a few days after the conversation. He said that he felt pressure (this was a year ago now) and only went out to see his friends and not to hook up and that he hates clubbing. To which I told him that if they are really your friends then they would respect that you are in a relationship and would arrange other stuff to do with you. But they didn't respect it and now my fiance is no longer friends with them and actually said himself that he has been re-considering the friendship before he even met me.

Problem is that when his friends started speaking horribly about me - he didn't jump to defend me, it wasn't till I was with him on facebook that I saw it that he decided to tell his friends that he wasn't happy.

Another problem is that we both went away to a work placement together for 7 months, in that time one of his friends visited us and it turned out my fiance's mum told him where he could find us even though we had made it clear that we wanted to cut contact with him to my fiance's mum. She did apologise but now I am back at my parent's house and my fiance was over, his friend turned up at the door saying he had seen the car. I think he is lying as my street is very quiet, no one he knows lives there and it is one-way so got a feeling that possibly my fiance's mum disclosed that info. Now, I am worried that this group of people are going to find out where I live too and give me abuse. All my fiance could do was act like everything was normal.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

It all doesn't sound too promising. It sounds as if your boyfriend is not very thoughtful or respectful toward you. How long have you been dating?
Just wondering, though- do you feel as if your boyfriend's friends are harassing or violent people?

 

[K9_Trainer]

I don't think you are being unreasonable...But I do think you're relying on him a little too much to protect you and take care of what you need. It might be time for you to take matters into your own hands now. You can't control your fiance, or what he does...You can't make choices for him. But you CAN control you, and make your own choices, and that's what you should do.

It sounds like you're worried about his friends. Do you feel unsafe? Did they threaten you?

If so, that's serious and you need to take the steps to protect yourself, regardless of how your fiance feels about it. Take screenshots of the negative comments that his friends have made on facebook and keep them in a file. Tell them by facebook, or email to cease contact with you and proceed to block them in every way you can. Tell your fiance that you're doing this and tell him that you want nothing to do with them. If they contact you after that or show up to your house or your parents house, then legally it's harassment, and you can call authorities. Do not tolerate disrespect from them.

If you want to break up with your fiance, that's up to you. If you expect your partner to lead you and protect you, then you might want to discontinue the relationship, because it doesn't sound like this guy can stand up for himself when he's being pressured.

 

[abacabb]

I have now told my fiance that I don't think that I continue the relationship anymore and here is why:

In the first year of dating he used to go out night clubbing with his friends and did not see anything wrong with this, I had to bring up that I was upset by this as clubs are usually a place where people hook up and I told him that it was not appropriate to do when in a relationship. I have been clubbing before (didn't enjoy it though) and never went when in a relationship with my fiance. What made things worse is that he went to New Years 2011 without me and one of his friends has cheated multiple times on his girlfriend! Another one has cheated once and the other has gotten a fling from a dating site pregnant.

My fiance and I came to an agreement that he would do different activities with his friends, yet despite this he still went on a night out a few days after the conversation. He said that he felt pressure (this was a year ago now) and only went out to see his friends and not to hook up and that he hates clubbing. To which I told him that if they are really your friends then they would respect that you are in a relationship and would arrange other stuff to do with you. But they didn't respect it and now my fiance is no longer friends with them and actually said himself that he has been re-considering the friendship before he even met me.

Problem is that when his friends started speaking horribly about me - he didn't jump to defend me, it wasn't till I was with him on facebook that I saw it that he decided to tell his friends that he wasn't happy.

Another problem is that we both went away to a work placement together for 7 months, in that time one of his friends visited us and it turned out my fiance's mum told him where he could find us even though we had made it clear that we wanted to cut contact with him to my fiance's mum. She did apologise but now I am back at my parent's house and my fiance was over, his friend turned up at the door saying he had seen the car. I think he is lying as my street is very quiet, no one he knows lives there and it is one-way so got a feeling that possibly my fiance's mum disclosed that info. Now, I am worried that this group of people are going to find out where I live too and give me abuse. All my fiance could do was act like everything was normal.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

I'm a guy and I can tell you that you know a man by his friends. If they're cheaters and disrespectful, it's not a leap of the imagination what he's going to do. Get out, now.

 

[LinkH]

Why are you afraid of his friends? Are they violent types? Are they into crime?

If he did tell them to stay away, why would they follow him around? Were they best friends from their youth? Does he owe them money? Or could his friend just lack the social graces and self-respect not to come around where he is not wanted? Or maybe your fiancee hasn't told them to stay away like he says.

If he wants to not hang out with his friend but not make an enemy of him by saying, "Let's not be friends anymore", I understand that. From a man's perspective, if I were young and dating and my girlfriend were trying to pressure me to drop my friends, I wouldn't like that. I might think of that as a bit controlling. But I didn't hang out with dangerous types or spend a lot of time around people who got other girls pregnant. So it wasn't an issue.

Btw, if people are dating, what constitutes 'cheating.' Is it sex, or could it be kissing or just going out for nachos with someone who you aren't dating?

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

On the first issue having to deal with the nightclub, I think you are being somewhat unreasonable in that you seem to have this mindset that people only go to nightclubs to hook up which is very far from the truth. The majority of people go to dance and have fun (and most of the time drink), typically already having someone to go with. So because you have this mindset, you're basically making it a rule for him and a law of nature that this is his intention for going himself or that he will become like his friends. This shows a complete lack of trust on your part and honestly, that would be more than enough for me to back away because trust is very important in a relationship. If you have suspicions of his intent with other people and they are indeed true, not going to a nightclub isn't going to change that. I don't blame him for announcing to friends he wasn't happy though because if you place restrictions on him because you're trying to keep him locked up and prevent him from doing something he likely wouldn't do anyway if the relationship is well. Friends are there to help you when you're down, right? Isn't that also why you're posting on this forum? For help with a situation because you're down?

On the second part, if it's serious, then do something about it. Talk to authorities and see what can be done. Likely they will do nothing but if you feel otherwise, then you need to take precautions and not just sit on your thumbs.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I stopped reading at the club part (well I did read the rest). I see on reason to go to a club once your married..UNLESS your spouse is with you. If you go alone I see it as a dangerous thing. Just because your married doesn't mean you won't end up flirting because odds are you are drinking too.

When with someone you shouldn't do things that the devil can use to tempt you to mess up. Maybe go with him to the club to see what/how he is. Draw a conclusion from there. Either way the clubbing is reason alone not to trust someone. Thats just my view.

 

[LinkH]

Maybe this is a little late, but I'd also like to say you shouldn't accept a marriage proposal from a man, and certainly not let it get past the stage of getting your families involve in your being engaged and the wedding unless you are willing to commit to be with that person for life.

When I was looking for a wife, I wasn't looking for the type of person who would want to go 'clubbing.' But that doesn't mean it is a sin to go to a club. It also depends on what kind of club it is. If it's some kind of meat market or place to get designer drugs, that may be cause for concern. You may also need to consider if you need to back off and let him make some of his own decisions about his friends. You can tell him what you'd like and expect from him, but consider whether you are trying to control him that isn't healthy. I know you want him to defend you if people are saying bad things about you of his own accord. It wouldn't hurt to let him know what you expect. But if you get pouty about it or sulk, etc. over it, that can be unhealthy, too. I'm imagining if I were in his shoes and I were engaged and my fiance said you can't be friends with this person or go to a club even though it's innocent, or I'm going to break off our engagement, I'd be thinking what's next. If I do something she doesn't like, is she going to threaten divorce later, or cut me off from affection, or other stuff like that?

As a wife, according to scripture, you must submit to your husband and reverence him. If he does something wrong, you can point that out and admonish him, but as a wife you need to do this in a respectful way. If your fiance is young, he may have a lot of areas where he needs to grow in wisdom. It's good to have godly married men who have more life experience around for him to talk to ad counsel with. (That's usually a better crowd than young, unmarried party animals.) There may be some areas you can point out to help him improve, but you have to do it respectfully and you can't be in control or push or manipulate him into doing everything you want. You may have to yield on some things. Now, it might be an innocent trip to a club. Hopefully he'll drop that if he's married, if we are talking about young people's dance clubs. Getting good, godly young 'married couples friends' could also help you out when you first get married. If you are concerned about his friends, helping him find new friends may be more helpful than trying to push him to dump his old friends.

 

[K9_Trainer]

I stopped reading at the club part (well I did read the rest). I see on reason to go to a club once your married..UNLESS your spouse is with you. If you go alone I see it as a dangerous thing. Just because your married doesn't mean you won't end up flirting because odds are you are drinking too.

When with someone you shouldn't do things that the devil can use to tempt you to mess up. Maybe go with him to the club to see what/how he is. Draw a conclusion from there. Either way the clubbing is reason alone not to trust someone. Thats just my view.

Honestly, I more or less agree with you here, and I'm not even a Christian.

Maybe it depends on the club, idk. But the ones I've been to are generally very sexual in nature. People drink and grind/hump on one another while listening to music loud enough to make your ears ring all the next day. I just don't see a legit or innocent reason for an individual that is in a committed relationship to go to a club without their partner. I wouldn't say it's automatically dangerous, or that everybody who drinks can't control themselves, it's more the issue of motivation. People go there to drink and dance. If you're committed, you shouldn't be dancing like that with anybody except your partner. If you want to drink and hang out with friends, a regular bar is usually a better choice because you can actually hear each other talk.

I just feel like the man in question hasn't quite grown up yet. Regardless of whether anybody thinks its reasonable or not, he did make an agreement to stop going to clubs, and he's not holding to that. If he didn't think it was reasonable, then he shouldn't have made the agreement. So that's one potential instance where he was wishy washy and not adult enough to communicate with her and stand up for what he wants. Then he has friends that still go to clubs and he allows himself to be pressured into going, despite his agreement to his fiance not to. Another instance of being wishy washy and not being adult enough to hold up to his decisions and stand up to the pressures of his peers.

These are not good signs if she expects him to be a husband.