Feeling imaginary.

[Soulwings]

I don't know if any of you have felt this way before, but I wanted to post about it and see, and also see if any of you happen to have any thoughts on the matter.

I am feeling imaginary. And hazy around the edges. Also, if I were made of puzzle pieces, it feels like every time something happens, a puzzle piece is taken away - the only problem is, I don't know what that mysterious something is, and I don't know if I ever will. I feel like I'm going to disappear before I find out.

But... the kicker is, I don't want to tell my treatment team. I want to see what will happen. I'm curious. I want to see if this is going to develop into some psychosis and if I'll be able to tell. I don't want to be given more Seroquel or Geodon. I want to see what is going to happen to me.

I don't want it to stop. I feel detached, I guess, which is why I can say this so easily. The curiosity comes with the detachment. If I feel detached, then nothing can hurt me, which is why I want to see what will happen - because if I'm detached from my body and mind, then whatever happens won't matter. Right?

Anyway, thoughts/comments/advice would be appreciated. Thanks guys.

 

[FragileWinter]

I've had similar feelings before. When I feel like that, I usually feel more spiritually in tune with God. I feel stronger spiritually. Besides that I don't know how else to describe it. Then again, I could just be having an overactive imagination again.

 

[Soulwings]

I don't feel any connexion to anything... just drifting. It's the weirdest thing. Thanks for your response, though.

I talked with my husband tonight about it, and he thinks I should get in touch with my tx team. I really don't want to. He's pretty adamant about it and isn't going to "make" me call my T tonight, but wants me to do so soon, before it "gets any worse." Before this, I have had 4 definable periods of psychoses, three of them major, two of the three being bad/harmful. Jarrod says that that's not a good track record and that I shouldn't just take this on by myself. I disagree.

So this is getting to be a big issue.

 

[Jeshu]

I don't feel any connexion to anything... just drifting. It's the weirdest thing. Thanks for your response, though.

I talked with my husband tonight about it, and he thinks I should get in touch with my tx team. I really don't want to. He's pretty adamant about it and isn't going to "make" me call my T tonight, but wants me to do so soon, before it "gets any worse." Before this, I have had 4 definable periods of psychoses, three of them major, two of the three being bad/harmful. Jarrod says that that's not a good track record and that I shouldn't just take this on by myself. I disagree.

So this is getting to be a big issue.

Hey April I don't want to upset you, but psych medications often amplify this lifeless reality - that's where I get it from the worst - not naturally - hardly ever.

Oh how I hate being where you are now, never will I volunteer for such reality again. Please carefully consider your medication regime as it seems to me that you're displaying signs of over-medication, non compatible medications or your medications, like Seroquel did to me just yesterday, which are sending you manic.

See when I'm down naturally, my downs are very active, yet on medications my downs became a lifeless existence (For many years I tried, using many different medications to know how true this is. Were not supposed to float - unless we choose to go high of course - that is the bottom line.

This reality you are talking about also kills the intimacy our spirits can have with the Lord (or distorts it,) so it seems He is far away, or worse, dead. Neither are we creative any more and sex looses its appeal. Addictions flare as we try to fill ourselves with some goodness - we become fat, drunk and stoned instead - often bringing even more negativity.

It is because of this that I have reduced my medications and choose to take it on the chin a bit more (though I'm still seeking stability in this) at least I'm in touch with my feelings again - even if they are no good - it is better than this deadening nothingness that over medication brings about inside of me.

So please April don't leave it as it is, seek medical help - but don't take more medications but rather look at reducing/changing/dropping some of them - as your cocktail ain't helping you much lately.

Please consider that your happy life is keeping you going - but if you don't change course you may still end-up down and depressed before the years is out. Simply because you are running out of energy. (Just page back through your post to us to see how tired and depressed you have also been during this happy time.)

I suggest you get help fast - don't let it overcome you more than it has.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

You hang in there April, honestly you remind me of when I used to think God was like trying to tell me a secret message and that the supernatural was trying to tell me something, like a secret message. Scared the hell out of me, that was schizophrenia, well you hang in there, and all though medications are necessary to treat mental illness, don't under estimate what talk theray can do for you, so definitely talk to your therapist in the near future. You hang in there and keep fighting the good fight for sanity!

 

[Soulwings]

Another day, and feeling the same. I still don't want to talk with my team about it.

I pinpointed another thing. When I'm at uni, I'm a real person (mostly). In between classes I'm a wraith drifting... and I'm imaginary then. Maybe. (I'm just figuring this out as I am typing.) But in classes I am a real person because people talk with me and see me. And then I leave campus and come to the apartment, and it's as if I am leaving the real world and coming into a halfway world where... well, I don't know. Kind of where I am imaginary, a wraith, a ghost, hazy, drifting, lost, yet in a definable space.

I don't know. I don't want to seek help. I want to see where this will go. As each day passes I am figuring out things more and more... I don't know if any of it makes any sense... and yes, I do have a history of being psychotic, and I cannot escape that, as Jarrod and my team all know, and so do a few (important and close and trustworthy) friends. I can't deny that I may be going into psychosis now. But I don't want to be drugged.

Gerry, I am on Seroquel, but only at 25mg... I remember you saying something about that. I'm also on Geodon, 180mg. (And Klonopin, Neurontin, Lamictal, and - intermittantly - Focalin.) The cocktail's worked pretty well for awhile. It's just in the past few weeks that I've been feeling like this, and it's been getting "worse." Or... should I say - more interesting?

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Well you hang in there it wouldn't hurt to talk to a therapist, remember you make the choice on what pill to swallow, they can't force you to swallow a pill you don't want to swallow. So really please talk to a therapist about that maybe they could cut back on some of these medications, thatis a lot of medications, you would be surprised what just talking to a psychologist can do one with a Ph.D. you just talk about what is bothering you and he tells you some seriously good sensical advise and make you feel better. I had a psychologist cousel a guy on feeling good about himself after he committed murder, don't underestimate the power of positive thinking and talk therapy sometimes called psychotherapy. I was in psychotherapy for five years and I feel great. You hang in there and do the right thing!

 

[Jeshu]

Gerry, I am on Seroquel, but only at 25mg... I remember you saying something about that. I'm also on Geodon, 180mg. (And Klonopin, Neurontin, Lamictal, and - intermittantly - Focalin.) The cocktail's worked pretty well for awhile. It's just in the past few weeks that I've been feeling like this, and it's been getting "worse." Or... should I say - more interesting?

Yeah I was on only 50 mg of Seroquel and look what it did to me, neither is this the first time. I don't want to scare you, but I feel you must know this about psych medications.

Other effects,or as some call them, side effects, even though such thinking isn't really true, can come up at any time - even when they didn't at first.

I been on many medications and grew other effects sometimes after ages. Like Zyprexa - manic depressed, sluggish, trembling and seeing weird things came after I been on it for 5 months or so. Ambilify caused unrest and anxiety attacks ages after I started it - increasingly getting worse - and the doctors forcing all kind of meds to treat my 'illness' - and so I could go on for awhile yet.

Now the symptoms you are describing are not usual in a straight forward psychosis. Psychosis a hazy unreal dreamlike world, were you feel detached? Not likely!

In my experience everything clarifies, amplifies and speeds up when we suffer from increasing psychosis, very actual, very alive, everything flows and hard things are easy. Yet you seem to float in between realities, if your attention is taken you are reasonable, but otherwise spaced, in my experience this is caused by drugs, in particular mood altering drugs.

Being on so many drugs often brings many problems later on, and because Doctors in my experience never let us go cold turkey, so how do we know in the end what symptoms are from what? Careful consideration and reflection, on how things were before medications will tell you though.

For me this was easy as I walked around unmedicated for most of my life and could easily remember how my moods in the past had been and how they were now. This helped me to understand bad effects from medications much better as well as the benefits.

For two anti-psychotics you mention, drove me suicidally psychotic, and at least one medicine you take is at its highest dosage. Please ask yourself if I'm on max levels with psych drugs why am I going psychotic?

My experience with Geodon for example is very simular as you describe for yourself right now, it ended-up driving me psychotically suicidal, I was lucky I survived, for I didn't understand that my sudden wish to die was created by a drug, though I did notice how demanding such urges had become compared to my 'normal' suicidal depression times.

You enjoying your downfal is the only real manic behaviour you are displaying. Of course you like being spaced, who wouldn't in a hard and difficult life? Yet my dear friend you running a huge risk and I recommend you seek urgent medical assistance instead of remaining silent.

Spiritually I have learned to understand never to trust secret feelings or heed hidding away demands, especially not when you are becoming sick.

This type of living in the dark brings bad things alive, like doctors not trusting you anymore after everything blows-up and they realise you kept your symptoms from them, and loved ones not understanding you anymore because you didn't share your reality with them.

I know I can't force you to act April, but please heed a friend who knows how dangerous going mad can be, don't keep going when things are not well, rather find the cause and eliminate it. (I'm pretty certain that your medications are failing you and a new 'cocktail' will need to be found, but even if this is not true - you need medical attention - (and you know it.))


Your worrying friend

 

[Kingdom_Seeker]

Hey SoulWings.........

I think I understand a little bit what you're talking about. I call it the feeling of surrealism. It's almost like I'm watching the world happening around me as if it were on a tv set or a movie screen, like I'm not part of it.

I get this feeling even when people are talking to me at times. It's so strange, like I'm not part of the world that is occuring around me. I have had this feeling not ONLY since I have been on the anti-depressents and anti-anxiety meds, but I also have had it before. But it happens on a much more regular basis now that I'm on the meds than before.

 

[Soulwings]

Thanks, guys.

Last night I kind of jokingly told my husband that he could call my T if he thought it was necessary. I had (foolishly?) given him the numbers for my T and NP two nights ago, figuring that it would be a wise thing in the long run... and to my surprise (well, kind of), he called her and chatted. I wasn't going to be having an appt this Friday but she squeezed me in at 8:30am... "so you're not feeling real again, sweetie?" ... I guess this has happened before? It may have been part of the psychotic episode in May - she has a better memory about that time than I do.

Oh, and another thing that really got Jarrod to call is my fear of the apartment being alive. It sounds really silly, I know, but it really creeps me out. I'm alone in it so much, and it is so quiet....... and it really does feel alive, almost as though it eats me when I come in out of the real world...... and it is not a friendly atmosphere when I am thinking things like that. I am doing okay at the moment since it's in the morning (I'm at my sharpest) and I'm online "with" people. Too bad I can't stay here all day....

Anyway. So that's what's going on with me right now.

EDIT - oh, and Gerry - am I at the top dose of Geodon? or higher?

 

[Jeshu]

...
EDIT - oh, and Gerry - am I at the top dose of Geodon? or higher?

Yes I know 20 mg to high, 160 mg drove me around the bend, please take care.

 

[Soulwings]

My NP doesn't mind pushing doses a bit higher than suggested. It's been helping, though. I looked at Pfizer Drugs' website and they said that 120mg was used for most of bipolar patients........ so now I am very curious as to why my NP pushed it so high. She said that she pushes Seroquel up to 300mg for people who seriously need it... hopefully we won't go that route as it causes weight gain and that is not what I need right now.

Am seriously feeling crazy right now. Finding it so hard to focus. It's getting worse.

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Hey there April,

I used to take 160 mg of Geodon, but that was because I have symptoms of schizophrenia, and honestly it sounds like you do too, if you are hearing voices and having thoughts that a psychiatric profossieonal would deem as strange.

Sorry to be following you around here, but I hope you will talk to a psychologist, you are taking medication and it sounds like you just need someone to talk to, who is a trained professional. So paying some money for counseling is the way to go for sure. Honestly April it sounds like you are having a relapse, remember we all have another relapse in us but do I have another recovery? So try to recover fast and take care of yourself.

 

[Soulwings]

I will talk with my T on Friday, Doubting, and I think if she deems it necessary I'll call my NP, whether in session or out.

I am dxed with bipolar II with severe psychotic symptoms... not schizotypal or schizoaffective or schizophrenic, fully. Just have some of the symptoms. It sucks.

You're right, it's better to pay $75 rather than thousands of dollars for being in hos. Jarrod's insurance isn't that good, that I'd want to go in hos. I really hope it doesn't end up getting to that point, really hope that I don't lose so much touch with reality that I need to go there. I don't think that I'll be getting suicidal. I certainly don't feel it.

I just feel imaginary. And now, more than ever, like a person made of puzzle pieces. And those puzzle pieces are being taken away.

Or... a sketch that has been torn apart, and the pieces are blowing away, drifting away, and soon nothing will be left.

 

[Ariel]

April, I don't think you should wait until Friday. If you are getting worse from day to day, then you need to talk to someone today.

Praying for you!

 

[Soulwings]

I think I'll be okay... I just took my meds and Jarrod's home so there's something real I can hold on to, as my T suggested. I don't know, though.... it has been getting worse, but I don't know if that's just because I've started to pay it more attention or if it's been growing the whole time and now I'm just noticing it more. I don't know.

I really don't want to call my NP.

 

[Soulwings]

Oops, double post. That hasn't happened in awhile.

 

[Ariel]

April, I think your NP would rather you call. I'm sure she would far rather know now than later.

 

[Soulwings]

She might... probably would... but I don't want her to increase the dosage on any of my meds. I don't know if I am setting myself up for failure or not, but... I don't want to call. It's hard to get ahold of her anyway - it's like playing phone tag. I hate it.

But that's a tangent. I don't see what she could do besides pump me up with more meds, and I do not need that right now. I don't know what I need... maybe Gerry is right in saying that I need something taken away? That would be fantastic...

...I don't know. I'm getting to be past caring right now, to be honest.

Sorry to be so drifting. Thank you so much for your prayers, Diana. That means a lot.

 

[Jeshu]

She might... probably would... but I don't want her to increase the dosage on any of my meds. I don't know if I am setting myself up for failure or not, but... I don't want to call. It's hard to get ahold of her anyway - it's like playing phone tag. I hate it.

But that's a tangent. I don't see what she could do besides pump me up with more meds, and I do not need that right now. I don't know what I need... maybe Gerry is right in saying that I need something taken away? That would be fantastic...

...I don't know. I'm getting to be past caring right now, to be honest.

Sorry to be so drifting. Thank you so much for your prayers, Diana. That means a lot.

April please listen to an old friend.

Before you decide to surrender to your psychosis, consider not believing what you feel any more. Sure I know you can't stop feeling as you do, but you are surrendering to your psychosis and let it take you away. This is what I'm learning not to do.

Because medications don't work for me either, I have no choice but to learn to deny myself the luxury to heed my own feelings.

Outcome?

I'm still sane and I'm still home, (admittedly only just, )though I have been through the mill, God's truth is stronger than madness, that's my conclusion - even the suicide spirit/mood feeling of being didn't get me, though such tried the hardest.

To hold-on to God's truth is The Way to go. So when you feel good and everything starts to flow, expose your feelings into God's truth, and see what you learn.

For example

You are feeling great! Yet would feeling great be the truth right now, or is faulty brain chemistry making you experience goodness wrongly instead of right?

You are feeling very joyful in touch with life! The truth is - going mad races past our goodness and swallows it up - for years spiritually dead and so terrible depressed to be.

You don't want to see your doctor! Who would tell you not to seek help when you are losing your sanity? Insane thoughts cannot be entertained or tolerated - go up against them instead!

and so on!



About your medications. I hate doing this but when you relay your symptoms I relive some of my own episodes. Especially considering you are on so many medications, you simple may not become what you are now becoming - the medications MUST stop this.

Yet we both know they don't!

My understandings of this?

These medications are not helping you good enough, or, (much more dangerous,) one of them is causing you to go psychotic. Please know that I have been through the latter quite a few times. One medication turned sour on me after 4 years, another after months, another after I went to an higher dosage, another because I started other medications!

(I advise lithium - ideal mood stabiliser and anti-psychotic and it improves other medications - though it makes me deeply depressed and keeps me there, for you it may not do that, and going down is what we want to see for the time being anyway. Also, if your brain chemistry is similar to mine, be careful with anti-depressants they wipe me out - even tiny little bit.)


Praying you will seek help today!


Gerry