Feeling feelings

[madison1101]

While writing to a friend about my disdain for Autumn, I had a sort of "Ah-hah" moment. Here is what I wrote.

"Oh, did I mention I hate Fall and Winter? Actually, just October through April. Well, I take that back. I hate October, most of November, and December and all of January through Spring Break, whatever week that falls on. I have horrific memories of October dating back to my father's death on October 6, 1977. Then, my father-in-law committed suicide a year later, on October 23, 1978. A year later, I wrecked my car, with my two kids in it with me, in New York state, on the Tappan Zee Bridge. My husband, in Massachusetts, spent hours arguing with me about whether he would come and get me, and I lived in Pennsylvania at the time while he completed military duty. My son, Sean was born in October, which should have been a joyous occasion, but Paul was being not so nice and had threatened to divorce me if I did not abort that pregnancy. My younger brother died on October 22, 2006, at the age of 40. It's no wonder I was drunk ten days last October. That's how I ended up in outpatient treatment for my alcoholism."

I am determined not to drink over this, especially since I am speaking at an AA meeting Saturday. I am heading to my therapist's Saturday morning to discuss all of this.

All of these feelings started surfacing because we have had a cold snap, and the leaves are falling. I started getting anxious and having very self-destructive thoughts everyday.

Just needed to share what is happening with me tonight.

Trish

 

[BlessEwe]

Hey Trish, send some of that cool weather my way. My father died on Oct. 6th as well, wow. Only in 1963.
I am glad you are writing in a journal, and being sober brings up the feelings we always tried to numb. Perhaps God is tugging at you to work with these things through the 12 steps via your sponsor right now in your life.
For some reason a few years back, the situation of my father kept coming up and the feelings of resentment. Resentment of a decision a 19 year old boy did by getting drunk and driving, killing my father and 4 others. It basically destroyed my life. So through the Joe and Charlie AA study I found the freedom of letting it go for the 1 time in 45 years. Perhaps this is surfacing for you now, to work on it. It was like 1000 pond weight was taken off me. I will never forget my father and mother but it basically freed me of carrying it anymore. Just one suggestion, put that letter away and reread it in a year. Not only will you see God working, but how far you come with these things in your life.. I have found this to be so cool. Anyway hope that helped, I am still pretty out of it from the anesthesia of my surgery. lol

 

[over the rainbow]

x

 

[madison1101]

Hey Trish, send some of that cool weather my way. My father died on Oct. 6th as well, wow. Only in 1963.
I am glad you are writing in a journal, and being sober brings up the feelings we always tried to numb. Perhaps God is tugging at you to work with these things through the 12 steps via your sponsor right now in your life.
For some reason a few years back, the situation of my father kept coming up and the feelings of resentment. Resentment of a decision a 19 year old boy did by getting drunk and driving, killing my father and 4 others. It basically destroyed my life. So through the Joe and Charlie AA study I found the freedom of letting it go for the 1 time in 45 years. Perhaps this is surfacing for you now, to work on it. It was like 1000 pond weight was taken off me. I will never forget my father and mother but it basically freed me of carrying it anymore. Just one suggestion, put that letter away and reread it in a year. Not only will you see God working, but how far you come with these things in your life.. I have found this to be so cool. Anyway hope that helped, I am still pretty out of it from the anesthesia of my surgery. lol

The weird thing is I thought I had done all the work I needed to do, till last year's relapse. It is complicated, therapy crap, but I understand it.

I am praying that my fourth step work this time around will give me some peace...my sponsor is encouraging me to be thorough, and not rush.

Trish

 

[madison1101]

I'm so sorry to hear about all that has happened to you and definitely understand about that body reaction when the first cold spell hits. It happens to me every year like that too (for other reasons). I like what BlessEwe said about maybe it's another chance to work on it. I also like her idea of writing it all out, then reading it again in a year. I know for myself, sometimes I don't think I've come far until I compare where I was a year ago. Some things take a long time to heal, but they eventually do in baby steps.

Each year when the cold spell happens, I spend some time crying. I think I'm grieving a little at a time. So I've come to see this time as healing. I feel I am in the past, I react to the past, I cry some of it out, then I am able to move on for another year.

Hang in there,

Cindy

Thanks, Cindy.

I appreciate all of your understanding. It helps tremendously to know that others understand what I am going through.

Trish