Feeling Anxious About Getting Married To Fiance

[RoseWater]

I've been having a lot of anxiety about getting married to my fiance. I do love him very much but the thought of getting married makes me very anxious. I can't seem to shake it off. I keep wondering if I was meant to be with somebody else. I slightly have feelings for another guy who I never really got to know really well.

At the same time, I cannot see my life without my fiance. If we broke up, I'd deeply regret it and would have to suffer for the rest of my life. I couldn't stand the thought of him marrying somebody else. Yet, I am constantly feeling anxious over the wedding. I don't like how these thoughts keep bothering me.

Did any of you feel anxious when you got married? Any tips?

Is this just general anxiety? Brokeness? Fear of commitment? Or, God telling me something?

 

[ValleyGal]

Congratulations on your engagement! When is the wedding? Are you going through marriage preparation with your pastor?

You are right...there are a couple of things that could be going on. I think most people feel a little anxiety over their weddings for a variety of reasons. It's a huge decision, or the thought of being up there in front of a lot of people, or the idea of living together, maybe a little anxiety about how being married will change the relationship, and those sorts of anxieties.

Then there is the anxiety that raises the red flags. The idea is to tease apart what the normal anxieties are from the ones that are significant inner warnings. So here are a few questions to think about (you don't have to answer, but thinking about them yourself may provide some clarity).

How do you know your fiance loves you?
How do you know that he will be a good husband/father to your children?
What is his parents' marriage like?
Does he have respect for other women, and are his relationships with other women pure?
What kind of baggage does he bring into the marriage?
Does he have any kind of issues with addictions, and if so, how long ago?
Has he ever been abusive towards you or the people you love? How does he treat your family? Your friends?
Is he respectful of you and towards you even when you have disagreements? Does he respect your opinions, ideas, thoughts, feelings?
Do you feel secure in your relationship with him? Do you feel significant to him?
Is he your best friend, the one you turn to before turning to anyone else? Can you trust him with your vulnerabilities?

When I got married to my ex, I had some anxieties and felt like something - but I did not know what - was not quite right. I married him anyway, and within a month after the wedding, he had beaten me three times and the severity escalated very quickly. We were only married that month and divorced a couple of months later. Otoh, with my current husband, there was not even one shred of anxiety about marrying him because he had shown himself to be a humble, kind and gentle man, so there were no red flags or intuition that there might be a problem.

Compare those two extreme situations with my first marriage, which was to a good man that I'd known for many years. We had a medium sized wedding, and my cold feet were more about the festivities of the day and whether or not everything would go well, and whether I looked great, etc. That is the normal wedding anxieties of a first-time marriage.

So my thoughts on your situation are to ask yourself the questions I listed above, and to introspect for a little while on exactly what your anxieties are related to, whether it's the day, the wedding, the idea of marrying, or the man himself. Once you can pinpoint the nature of your anxieties, it will help you to figure things out. As for this other guy you liked, it will always be a fond memory of a crush. I think most of us have one of those.

 

[JCLover779]

At the same time, I cannot see my life without my fiance. If we broke up, I'd deeply regret it and would have to suffer for the rest of my life. I couldn't stand the thought of him marrying somebody else.

I would think of this as positive, especially if this is not a normal type of feeling for you. Have you felt that way about boyfriends or friends in the past? Do you tend to get so emotionally caught up in where you are at that you can't imagine/it scares you to think of being without that person/situation?

I would suggest you work out the part about the previous guy somehow before you move forward. Maybe you can talk with him - which might help to let your feelings settle in the past - as a good memory, but not a constant wondering "what if"? There are tons of great people out there, but most of them are not right for you. Maybe a talk with him can get you to the point where you still see him as a great person (or not), but realize he is not for you.

 

[LilLamb219]

How far off is the wedding?

I went through some fear and stress too before my marriage. We've been married 24 years now. There is no perfect marriage and no fairytale ending. But there can be some great moments too! It's a matter of wanting to work on the bad and appreciating the good.

 

[Angeldove97]

Simple answer: YES! I went through this and there are times, 3 years after getting married, where I wonder. (Just this morning, I was looking through this group of nuns that I'm a fan of and was wondering if I was better meant to be a Sister.)

I've been having a lot of anxiety about getting married to my fiance. I do love him very much but the thought of getting married makes me very anxious. I can't seem to shake it off. I keep wondering if I was meant to be with somebody else. I slightly have feelings for another guy who I never really got to know really well.

I have/had this really good guy friend, who a lot of people thought we were going to end up together. Even my Dad wanted us to be together (and he's never liked anybody else). But our paths didn't go that way and while I still wonder what it may have been like, I can clearly tell that being with him wouldn't be the right path God has set for me.

If this feels like a pressing matter and stays with you, then it might be something to seek out. However, there will be consequences and based on your paragraph below I wonder if this "other guy" is really worth it.

At the same time, I cannot see my life without my fiance. If we broke up, I'd deeply regret it and would have to suffer for the rest of my life. I couldn't stand the thought of him marrying somebody else. Yet, I am constantly feeling anxious over the wedding. I don't like how these thoughts keep bothering me.

It might be just your type of personality where you are always wondering what if. I talked once to my husband about if he ever wondered about other women and he said no, it's never crossed his mind. I realize it is just that he and I have different personalities- I like thinking about each possible solution and what the outcome might be. I felt the same way about my husband prior to getting married- I knew he had faults and that I had other choices, but when it came down to it, I could not see myself honestly with anybody else. He and I fit so perfectly together that it felt wrong.

About a year before we were engaged, I did break up and started seeing someone else (a long time friend who I was interested in for a long time). For awhile I was really happy being with this person, but I noticed that we always hung out at his place and never mine. The first time he came over my place, I had a strong disliking towards the situation- it didn't feel right that he was in my space and I just decided I was uncomfortable about it since it was new. After some other stuff happened, I eventually came to realize how much I missed my ex and while he was really upset with me for breaking up and dating this other guy, he still loved me deeply and wanted me back. I didn't think he'd honestly take me back, but he only had open arms for me even before I apologized. I totally regret that relationship and us breaking up and wish it had never happened- but at the same time, it honestly made me ready to become engaged and get married. (Still I wouldn't recommend that line of action- my husband has forgiven me, we've moved on, but I can tell there's still pain there for him)

Did any of you feel anxious when you got married? Any tips?

Is this just general anxiety? Brokeness? Fear of commitment? Or, God telling me something?

I think it's pretty normal- getting married is a huge change and is meant to be a permanent one. You can be the only one to decide if there are red flags in the relationship that would cause you to call it off or not. But I don't think you should consider other men when deciding this- it is not about other men, it is about you and your fiancee only.

The other thing too is that commitment is something we do each and every day. Sometimes we are really bad at it (maybe we got into a fight or was being selfish towards our spouse) and sometimes we are totally awesome at it, but I see commitment as more of a daily "baby steps" kind of action instead of this huge looming thing.

I know through various actions in our relationship that God was telling me to be with my husband. But each person's experience is different and I hope that you'll spend some time praying about it and discussing it with your fiancee.

 

[RoseWater]

Simple answer: YES! I went through this and there are times, 3 years after getting married, where I wonder. (Just this morning, I was looking through this group of nuns that I'm a fan of and was wondering if I was better meant to be a Sister.)



I have/had this really good guy friend, who a lot of people thought we were going to end up together. Even my Dad wanted us to be together (and he's never liked anybody else). But our paths didn't go that way and while I still wonder what it may have been like, I can clearly tell that being with him wouldn't be the right path God has set for me.

If this feels like a pressing matter and stays with you, then it might be something to seek out. However, there will be consequences and based on your paragraph below I wonder if this "other guy" is really worth it.



It might be just your type of personality where you are always wondering what if. I talked once to my husband about if he ever wondered about other women and he said no, it's never crossed his mind. I realize it is just that he and I have different personalities- I like thinking about each possible solution and what the outcome might be. I felt the same way about my husband prior to getting married- I knew he had faults and that I had other choices, but when it came down to it, I could not see myself honestly with anybody else. He and I fit so perfectly together that it felt wrong.

About a year before we were engaged, I did break up and started seeing someone else (a long time friend who I was interested in for a long time). For awhile I was really happy being with this person, but I noticed that we always hung out at his place and never mine. The first time he came over my place, I had a strong disliking towards the situation- it didn't feel right that he was in my space and I just decided I was uncomfortable about it since it was new. After some other stuff happened, I eventually came to realize how much I missed my ex and while he was really upset with me for breaking up and dating this other guy, he still loved me deeply and wanted me back. I didn't think he'd honestly take me back, but he only had open arms for me even before I apologized. I totally regret that relationship and us breaking up and wish it had never happened- but at the same time, it honestly made me ready to become engaged and get married. (Still I wouldn't recommend that line of action- my husband has forgiven me, we've moved on, but I can tell there's still pain there for him)



I think it's pretty normal- getting married is a huge change and is meant to be a permanent one. You can be the only one to decide if there are red flags in the relationship that would cause you to call it off or not. But I don't think you should consider other men when deciding this- it is not about other men, it is about you and your fiancee only.

The other thing too is that commitment is something we do each and every day. Sometimes we are really bad at it (maybe we got into a fight or was being selfish towards our spouse) and sometimes we are totally awesome at it, but I see commitment as more of a daily "baby steps" kind of action instead of this huge looming thing.

I know through various actions in our relationship that God was telling me to be with my husband. But each person's experience is different and I hope that you'll spend some time praying about it and discussing it with your fiancee.

Thank you so much. That's exactly my personality. I wondered if this was just a part of my general anxiety. I like to over think things. A couple of days ago, I did come to the conclusion that I want to be with my fiance. I love him too much I cannot ignore my desire to be with him. I pictured myself being married to somebody else. I felt like I would miss my fiance too much, especially since he's so good to me. The thought of being separated from him for a lifetime made me realize, I want him.

I went over my mind the situation with the other guy. I haven't spoken to him in a long time and the time that I did, he didn't give much signs he was interested. So, I have plenty of reasons to move on.

My fiance has everything I am looking for. I believe he's the perfect match. I feel ready now.

Thank you so much everyone!

 

[Inkachu]

I would highly recommend going through pre-marital counseling as well. It really helps sort out the practical aspects from all the mixed-up emotions that we tend to feel during the engagement. You seem to put a lot of stock in your feelings, and I worry that you'll take that attitude into your marriage. If you start thinking on some ex boyfriend or on how life would've been if you hadn't gotten married, that doesn't mean you weren't "meant" to get married or that you made a mistake. Please don't put so much weight on passing thoughts and feelings. Please make sure you go down that aisle with absolute, total, and unconditional commitment to this man, this man only, and this man forever.

 

[DianePerez]

Feeling Anxious About Getting Married To Fiance It usually happens when we are going to have a new relationship. It happen with many that they feel anxious about the marriage. We always think how we live with some girl and share our room, things with her. Its all we think about before we get to merry any girl, we are little bit conscious and feel discomfort towards marriage.