feel like giving up.

[Bluelion]

tonight on the way back from taking my wife to the hospital for the 3rd time in 2 weeks a deer ran into our car. It completely destroyed the passenger side. I have a thousand dollar deductible, so I am out a thousand bucks. I have to cut into the rent money to pay for it. So instead of being all caught up on rent we will be 3 months behind. My landlord let us go months with out paying untill i get my loans for school. We are bless to have such an understand landlord. We got our car in 2012 new got a great deal my dad got us a loan which was also a great deal, and my dad has been paying down the car for us so it will be paid off this year. It was the one nice thing we had, and now this.

We can not get ahead we don't even have our health, me and my wife go to the hospital every month for one of us, lately it has been many times a month. I am 38 years old and struggled most my life. I was on top living it up untill I was diagnosed with Bi Polar and could no longer work. I lost everything. many many years later I got control of it by God's grace to find doctors and therapist pointing me to pastors because of very real spiritual stuff going on with me. I was able to get rid of some demons with the help of a church I worked with, but as Paul had a demon in his side he said to keep him humble I have one in my side for the same reason, to keep me humble.

I have spiritual battles daily, most do much work just to function and not kill my self. Up till now I have manage to take care of my wife kids and her family by God's divine grace. none of this is me and all of it is God, I can not even take care of my self let alone any one else.

I am in school going into ministry to which i may not even be able to work because of my disability. even if i do I will owe far more in loans then I will ever make as a pastor. I just know I was called and took a leap of faith. i started this week i want to live Holy so I cut out as much sin as I could. Now this happens. I feel like my spirit has been broken, I just want to cry and cry. How are we suppose to live? i don't understand why I am so hated, why i must struggle so hard.

I guess i am just broken, living a broken life.

 

[RuthD]

Try and look on the positive side. You lived through the accident. You have been struggling for quite awhile and have a wife and family and God. Think of what you do have and not what you don't have. I know it's easier said than done but it will help you to try and look for that silver lining of how you are surviving despite the many odds you face.

 

[Fortran]

I am sorry to hear you have been struggling; I have been praying for you.

After reading through your post, to me, it seems as if it may help to focus on past and present blessings. I am by no means attempting to make you feel guilty or unappreciative, but, for example, you could have a difficult landlord. I am sure when you first were diagnosed with bi-polar depression, you might have felt quite hopeless. However, from your post it seems as if God helped you through that. At the time, it is unlikely that you saw the light, but you made it through.

Overall, it sounds as if you have faced many struggles in this life. Perhaps at the time they seemed as insurmountable as this present one but - consider - with God's grace you survived them. I believe sometime in the future you will likely able to say the same about this current struggle - you pulled through " by God's divine grace" and "none of this is me and all of it is God."

 

[blackribbon]

Is your bipolar controlled with medications and counseling? If so, why aren't you expecting to be able to work? Many people who are bipolar work.

 

[Bluelion]

Try and look on the positive side. You lived through the accident. You have been struggling for quite awhile and have a wife and family and God. Think of what you do have and not what you don't have. I know it's easier said than done but it will help you to try and look for that silver lining of how you are surviving despite the many odds you face.

Thanks and your right. struggling for so long just takes alot out of you.

 

[Bluelion]

I am sorry to hear you have been struggling; I have been praying for you.

After reading through your post, to me, it seems as if it may help to focus on past and present blessings. I am by no means attempting to make you feel guilty or unappreciative, but, for example, you could have a difficult landlord. I am sure when you first were diagnosed with bi-polar depression, you might have felt quite hopeless. However, from your post it seems as if God helped you through that. At the time, it is unlikely that you saw the light, but you made it through.

Overall, it sounds as if you have faced many struggles in this life. Perhaps at the time they seemed as insurmountable as this present one but - consider - with God's grace you survived them. I believe sometime in the future you will likely able to say the same about this current struggle - you pulled through " by God's divine grace" and "none of this is me and all of it is God."

you are so right, and we have been blessed so much. God is a Good Father and Provider. I felt led to start a fund drive to see if i could raise the rent money. I realize i am so prideful, not wanting to ask for help. I think this maybe a lesson for me. But i know God will keep us no matter how it works out.

Thank you for praying for us, it means so much to me.

I was really feeling down when i wrote this, i guess i still am. I just feel like such a failure. It is frustrating when people look at you like a bum tell you to get a job, and I can't work, at least that is what about 15 docs have told me. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. i was once homeless and had no one in the world, believe me I am thankful for what we have now.

I am such a wretched soul. I know I am like the Jews in the wilderness, God sent them bread and they got sick of bread so God sent them birds and they got sick of the meat. They should have been thankful to be fed. I know this it is just not easy. i want to change, I want to be perfect. I want God's will. Like my sig says I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well.

thank you for your kind words.
peace and Love blu

p.s have you thought about joining angels teams?

 

[Bluelion]

Is your bipolar controlled with medications and counseling? If so, why aren't you expecting to be able to work? Many people who are bipolar work.

it is controlled as long as I don't work. work brings to much stress and I fall apart. I worked for over ten years with a cycle I would work have a break down go to the hospital lose my job get out find a new job and repeat. I am able to do school part time, but my doc say I can not do more, and i have seen like 15 docs who say the same thing. I have manage to stay out of the hospital not working. My sense are all out of whack everything that ties a person to this world. i hallucinate with all my sense. The meds only work half way the other half is me blocking everything out and mediating daily. I have visions of heaven and hell if i loses focus. So to much stress and i fall apart. I am hoping I can write Christians books with my education or God willing work again as a pastor. God called me and I am just following Him, but I don't know how it will work out.

I use to be a flight attendant, but after my illness i can not take the chance I could flip out on a plane and put over 300 peoples lives in danger. so my career is shot. I have worked a number of low wage jobs but even they prove to be to much. I feel very broken.

 

[com7fy8]

prayer

You would think a deer would stop before slamming into the side of your car. But I understand that a number of deer hits are with a deer that is following another. The follower does not want to lose the lead deer; so it is overly focused on keeping up and gets hit. Or . . . maybe in your case . . . the deer was too determined to keep up so it actually hit your side.

This can show how it is not wise to blindly follow a leader. One day, perhaps, as a pastor you can use this as an illustration, and talk about how to evaluate leadership

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

So, yes a leader needs to feed example, not just boss and expect puppet obedience.

Or those dear to you could get hurt, because of following blindly or going along with being controlled. So, yes it is important for you to prepare by getting correction and victory over you sin problems, so you can lead by example. And possibly as you do this, this will effect your bipolar thing.

 

[Bluelion]

prayer

You would think a deer would stop before slamming into the side of your car. But I understand that a number of deer hits are with a deer that is following another. The follower does not want to lose the lead deer; so it is overly focused on keeping up and gets hit. Or . . . maybe in your case . . . the deer was too determined to keep up so it actually hit your side.

This can show how it is not wise to blindly follow a leader. One day, perhaps, as a pastor you can use this as an illustration, and talk about how to evaluate leadership

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

So, yes a leader needs to feed example, not just boss and expect puppet obedience.

Or those dear to you could get hurt, because of following blindly or going along with being controlled. So, yes it is important for you to prepare by getting correction and victory over you sin problems, so you can lead by example. And possibly as you do this, this will effect your bipolar thing.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. That is a great point and thank you for sharing. God has worked with me, my doc say i should not be like I am, able to block it out or be self aware of what are not real, they question all the time how it is even possible. I say God.

I am not a Leader friend. Jesus is the Head of the Church, i am just a sheep dog I bark and run around as the Lord commands and the other sheep think what a strange animal.

I have no idea what is in store for me, but I do know God is already there.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

. I feel like my spirit has been broken, I just want to cry and cry. How are we suppose to live? i don't understand why I am so hated, why i must struggle so hard.

I guess i am just broken, living a broken life.

Hi the fact that you want to be a pastor is probably the reason why you are struggling so hard. God has to train people who want to minister to experience suffering so they can relate to those who suffer in the church.

Many years ago I wanted to be involved in God stuff, I went through so many pains that I almost killed myself. I had little money, rented, had broken relationships, deep hurts time and time again. My life was horrible. Yet now I have a full and happy life. I am buying two homes, have a wife, and a son, my life is happy, and I run a few online ministries. All of my hurts have helped me not judge others, and not hurt them. God needs you to suffer so you can help others.

 

[Bluelion]

Hi the fact that you want to be a pastor is probably the reason why you are struggling so hard. God has to train people who want to minister to experience suffering so they can relate to those who suffer in the church.

Many years ago I wanted to be involved in God stuff, I went through so many pains that I almost killed myself. I had little money, rented, had broken relationships, deep hurts time and time again. My life was horrible. Yet now I have a full and happy life. I am buying two homes, have a wife, and a son, my life is happy, and I run a few online ministries. All of my hurts have helped me not judge others, and not hurt them. God needs you to suffer so you can help others.

It has been alot of suffer friend