feel like a nobody

[emmab]

long story shorter

adopted by maternal grandparents
always known identity of biol father and that had siblings (half sibs on his side)
always told to get copy of original birth cert so could get brit passport (he was english)

visited sibs in england this july was the best time, happiest i have felt since mum(grandmother) died two years ago.

came home with plans to get brit passport etc

got original birth cert

father not recorded

ok, so that opened a wound

contacted sibs for dna test etc

they are afraid to do it

i DO understand their fears etc for their own issues, and also that they worry it might turn out we arent related

but i just feel like a pile of **** who isnt worth anything and doesnt belong anywhere

The passport is only half the issue, more importantly is the fact its ripping me apart at the moment
I REALLY need to know for my own mental health etc who my father is.
Coming over there and meeting them all was the best I have felt since my mother died two years ago. To think now that there is a chance he wasn’t my father, makes it all feel like a lie and a mirage
This is totally eating me up and causing heaps of chaos in me and in the whole house as a result!

I don’t care about the passport, I don’t care if he isn’t my father as long as they are my siblings (yes I know that doesn’t add up).

this has totally triggered all my buttons re no self-worth, identity issues, belonging etc etc

i have NEVER felt this upset (aside from mum dying of course but that is different)

hubby says i am still his wife and kids mummy no matter what but he doesnt understand how important this is to me

with both my biol parents AND my beloved real (adopted) parents dead there is no other way apart from dna

just a big vent i guess

i just feel SO alone, SO unhappy, SO rejected, and SO worthless
the hugest irony is that God offers me unconditional love, acceptance, belonging and approval but i am too scared to accept it..i think He promises that to everyone but me cos i am too horrible AND cos of my ED

 

[Celtic Camel]

beautiful one,
I have no words to offer comfort... wish I did...
praying for you and that God reveals His acceptance and love to you in a way that you can't deny and that gives you the security and identity that you long for.

 

[inHisgripkim]

O Dear Emmab:

You have so much going on inside you and I bet you feel like you are going to just explode. All I want to say is know that what you are feeling are just feelings but they are not fact. I understand how important it is to want to know your roots. It's like a part of you is missing. Please know that again these are just feelings and not necessarily fact. Your idetity comes from within you. You are who you choose to be. Many people make the mistake of developing their self-worth and identity through work or friends or even through people in general. Some even use money to gauge their self-worth. Sad thing is that they will never find true contentment because we don't have control over anything outside of ourself. So they are setting themselves up for a let down after let down.

Your self-worth and identity truly comes from within you and not from anything outside of yourself. Your compassion, love, personality traits make up the beautiful Emmab. Your true roots are Emmab.

I hope this make sense. I will hold you in my prayers dear Emmab and pray that you find inner peace, your inner roots, and all the beauty and strength that you truly possess but don't know it.

We are all here for you.

God bless you over and over,
Kim

 

[Catherineanne]

contacted sibs for dna test etc

they are afraid to do it

i DO understand their fears etc for their own issues, and also that they worry it might turn out we arent related

but i just feel like a pile of **** who isnt worth anything and doesnt belong anywhere

Feelings. Terrible things.

K, here is how I see it. Take or leave, Emms.

Your siblings are feeling fear. That is understandable, isn't it? You also are feeling fear. But you have met them, and shared good times with them. They love you, and you know what happens when love meets fear?

Love wins. Give them some time, and allow them to work through that fear.

Second, you are feeling worthless. That too is understandable, but that too is a feeling, brought on by remembrance of other rejections, other nihilisations. But this is not the same, this is today. The adult that you are today can see the difference. This is adults being afraid, and you know what that feels like, and you can understand that when adults are afraid they do what children do; they run away and hide for a while and say 'lalalalalalalala' so they don't have to think.

The difference is, adults then have to come back to real life and make a choice. I think there is little chance in the end of your sibs saying no. All they are saying at present, imo, is this is too quick, we are afraid. If you embrace that fear, and say, I know, I am afraid too, but this is something that I need, then with any luck the message will get through. They may also not understand what is involved, and imagine complicated blood tests and such. Fear is a funny thing.

Meanwhile, you are not worthless, by any means. I would be honoured to have you for a sister, and am grateful that through faith I can. So, while things are difficult, and until you get the information you need, I am here for you, along with our other hundreds of brothers and sisters. And you belong here, with us.

 

[Catherineanne]

the hugest irony is that God offers me unconditional love, acceptance, belonging and approval but i am too scared to accept it..i think He promises that to everyone but me cos i am too horrible AND cos of my ED

Consider it another way, if you can.

God chooses the very best and most loved of his children to bear the most heavy crosses. I do not think he wants us to suffer, but he allows it, for some of us. I do not know the reason why, but it had better be good! Me meeting God:

It takes a very special person indeed to be blessed with the cross of an ED. It makes many of us fall to the ground, as Our Lord's cross did to him. But the miracle is, we manage to struggle up again, and make small steps. Sometimes we meet with a Simon of Cyrene to help us walk, and sometimes we meet with a Veronica who brings us refreshment and hope. Mostly we are surrounded by a crowd of people who are indifferent at best, at worst truly hostile. All this is a path which Our Lord trod first. And like him, still we carry on, one way or another.

Do not think of the ED as a part of you. It is a burden you bear, but the person bearing it is strong and whole, and perfect in God's sight, just as Our Lord was perfect in his Father's sight, as he carried his cross. And he was never more loved than at that time.