Feel Horrible, Please Pray!

[RachelZ]

The title says it all really...don't know what God wants me to do...don't know how to keep going through this...any prayers appreciated...thanks and God bless, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Praying that God will give you direction, wisdom and grace and peace right now, Rachel.

 

[Bellicus]

Said a prayer for you. Hope you will feel better soon.

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you and a happy new year to you both...God bless, Rachel

 

[Snowcaps3]

Philipians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I'm praying for you too. Good luck! : )

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you ...really appreciate it...and welcome to a fab site...take care, Rachel

 

[Caty]

I prayed for you.

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you Caty, i'ts muchly appreciated and welcome to CF! Take care, Rachel

 

[stephanieamber]

Yo Rachel.. Prayed for you.

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you Stephanie...and thanks to everyone else who has prayed. I really am feeling pretty rough at the mo...I feel ill and exhausted with all my feelings and thoughts. I almost feel like whereas previously if God had categorically said that OCD was behind my problems I would have felt so much better I feel like it wouldn't have the same effect now. I truly don't know what would help me feel better. The only thing I can think is if I could somehow quit seeing my feelings as the problem and see them as a symptom of the real problem...ie OCD...then maybe I could relax a bit and think "OK I'm not well...all I can do is ride this out and not be so desperate for it to change!" But I feel so grim and keep truly thinking that I've been conning myself and should have accepted all my horrible feelings as evidence of truth. I really did try with ERP but for some reason it didn't seem to have the desired effect...I feel like my feelings have a life of their own and I'm really tired of trying to live my life as if they didn't exist. Sorry for moaning...hope everyone had a good new year and that 2009 is a healthier one for us all...take care and thanks again, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Thank you Stephanie...and thanks to everyone else who has prayed. I really am feeling pretty rough at the mo...I feel ill and exhausted with all my feelings and thoughts. I almost feel like whereas previously if God had categorically said that OCD was behind my problems I would have felt so much better I feel like it wouldn't have the same effect now. I truly don't know what would help me feel better. The only thing I can think is if I could somehow quit seeing my feelings as the problem and see them as a symptom of the real problem...ie OCD...then maybe I could relax a bit and think "OK I'm not well...all I can do is ride this out and not be so desperate for it to change!" But I feel so grim and keep truly thinking that I've been conning myself and should have accepted all my horrible feelings as evidence of truth. I really did try with ERP but for some reason it didn't seem to have the desired effect...I feel like my feelings have a life of their own and I'm really tired of trying to live my life as if they didn't exist. Sorry for moaning...hope everyone had a good new year and that 2009 is a healthier one for us all...take care and thanks again, Rachel

Rachel, are you still seeing the counselor you were seeing? If not or if he's not helping, I would suggest you try to find someone you can counsel with (some kind of professional) whether they do or don't do ERP. I have found from my own experience it helps to sort things out with someone who has wisdom and can speak into your life.

I know it's hard. At one point in my life, long before I even understood it was OCD I was battling, I was really struggling and I strongly felt that the Lord was instructing me "just keep walking..." I liken it to when Peter got out of the boat to walk on water to Jesus. He was doing great till he started thinking about what he was doing and apparently looked at the waves. I think with OCD the Lord would have us just keep on walking to Him and try our best "not to look at the waves." Wish you the best and praying for you, Rachel!

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Where are you medication-wise?

Additionally to what Kaykay suggested, forget the ERP for now. Focus on just not reacting to thoughts as well as overreacting to your feelings. When my OCD acts up and I get a bad feeling associated with a spike, I tell myself "it's ok, I accept that feeling." It doesn't mean that I believe the thought, or even accept that it is true. But I accept that I HAD the feeling in the first place, don't try to fight it, and attempt to move on to something more productive.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks KayKay and Sad...yes I am still seeing the therapist...in fact I have my first appointment today after the Christmas break. I'm still on the same medication which I think is probably helping a bit but not enough.

Thanks KayKay...for your advice and prayers. I wish I could hear God say something similar to me...I can barely even pray it seems...I try and my brain just seems to freeze over and I can't think what to say. Thanks for understanding!

Thanks for the advice Sad...yes I guess all I can try and do is accept the thoughts etc and keep living despite them. I think what is hard is that I can't even associate all the horrible feelings with a specific spike as I feel grim most of the time even when I'm trying not to think about stuff. However, I do know that it all comes down to my main worry which I won't bore you again with...I just wish I knew if the way I am feeling is causing me to see things in a distorted way or if things really are as bad as my feelings are leading me to fear.

Thanks again to you both, I really appreciated you replying...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

I can relate to that! Feeling bad and not generally having a specific thought, but just overall feeling anxious and like something terrible is about to happen or already is happening. Gosh, I can relate... I remember those times very well. Those feelings seem to serve as a constant reminder that something is amiss.

If you haven't listened to the claire weekes stuff, I still encourage you to do so! I listened to it again yesterday out of boredom and I learn something new every time. You and I have very similar experiences with the ROCD stuff, and she explains the OCD thought/feeling process perfectly. It may help you "step outside" looking at the world through the OCD glasses and understand it from a different perspective.

 

[HopingForJesus]

((((HUGS RACHEL))))
Praying

 

[kaykay9.0]

Thanks KayKay and Sad...yes I am still seeing the therapist...in fact I have my first appointment today after the Christmas break. I'm still on the same medication which I think is probably helping a bit but not enough.

Thanks KayKay...for your advice and prayers. I wish I could hear God say something similar to me...I can barely even pray it seems...I try and my brain just seems to freeze over and I can't think what to say. Thanks for understanding!

Thanks for the advice Sad...yes I guess all I can try and do is accept the thoughts etc and keep living despite them. I think what is hard is that I can't even associate all the horrible feelings with a specific spike as I feel grim most of the time even when I'm trying not to think about stuff. However, I do know that it all comes down to my main worry which I won't bore you again with...I just wish I knew if the way I am feeling is causing me to see things in a distorted way or if things really are as bad as my feelings are leading me to fear.

Thanks again to you both, I really appreciated you replying...take care, Rachel

I totally do understand about it being hard to pray when you're spiking badly. At least with me, it's like all I can sense is the sound of my own fear and panic. And believe me, through many of them, I have NOT felt like I was hearing from the Lord.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Thanks KayKay and Sad...yes I am still seeing the therapist...in fact I have my first appointment today after the Christmas break. I'm still on the same medication which I think is probably helping a bit but not enough.

Thanks KayKay...for your advice and prayers. I wish I could hear God say something similar to me...I can barely even pray it seems...I try and my brain just seems to freeze over and I can't think what to say. Thanks for understanding!

Thanks for the advice Sad...yes I guess all I can try and do is accept the thoughts etc and keep living despite them. I think what is hard is that I can't even associate all the horrible feelings with a specific spike as I feel grim most of the time even when I'm trying not to think about stuff. However, I do know that it all comes down to my main worry which I won't bore you again with...I just wish I knew if the way I am feeling is causing me to see things in a distorted way or if things really are as bad as my feelings are leading me to fear.

Thanks again to you both, I really appreciated you replying...take care, Rachel

I'm going to post a link to a speaker at church that I think might be helpful for people on this forum

www.clcfamily.com Then go to the streaming audio podcast, the one by Todd Brown entitled "What Does Jesus Expect from You."

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Sad...it helps that you really sound like you can relate! Yes I will try and listen to the recordings...anything that might help will be welcome! I think in terms of the feelings, there are times when I have a more generalised anxiety which is actually preferable to the hideous feelings that feel more rooted in OCD...yet even with the latter I can get a sense of the feelings being there without having had a spike...I think that's what is troubling me at the moment. It feels like there's a terrible, terrible problem which makes almost everything feel wrong and yucky and toxic and it allways comes back to the ROCD which makes me feel, fearful, isolated and guilty. If I could only at least mostly believe it was rooted in OCD I could tackle it easier.

Thanks for the hugs and prayers HopingForJesus...they are muchly appreciated!

Thanks for understanding KayKay...it is so hard to hear and know God through panic and fear. I'm not even sure if I'm spiking any more or if I've been caught in that frozen "rabbit in the headlights" state of horror and panic. I find it so hard not to almost fully believe that the content of the spikes are the problem rather than the spikes in and of themselves if that makes sense. I used to be able to get to a place where it made so much sense that this is OCD not a relationship problem but I've gotten more and more entrenched in the fear that it's truth I need to face up to not treatment.

Thanks again for all your input...hope everyone has a weekend where the OCD really takes a back seat...take care, Rachel

PS When you have time Sad would it be possible to post the link to the Claire Weeks recordings? No worries if not.

PPS...no worries Sad, think I've found them.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Thanks Sad...it helps that you really sound like you can relate! Yes I will try and listen to the recordings...anything that might help will be welcome! I think in terms of the feelings, there are times when I have a more generalised anxiety which is actually preferable to the hideous feelings that feel more rooted in OCD...yet even with the latter I can get a sense of the feelings being there without having had a spike...I think that's what is troubling me at the moment. It feels like there's a terrible, terrible problem which makes almost everything feel wrong and yucky and toxic and it allways comes back to the ROCD which makes me feel, fearful, isolated and guilty. If I could only at least mostly believe it was rooted in OCD I could tackle it easier.

Thanks for the hugs and prayers HopingForJesus...they are muchly appreciated!



Thanks for understanding KayKay...it is so hard to hear and know God through panic and fear. I'm not even sure if I'm spiking any more or if I've been caught in that frozen "rabbit in the headlights" state of horror and panic. I find it so hard not to almost fully believe that the content of the spikes are the problem rather than the spikes in and of themselves if that makes sense. I used to be able to get to a place where it made so much sense that this is OCD not a relationship problem but I've gotten more and more entrenched in the fear that it's truth I need to face up to not treatment.

Thanks again for all your input...hope everyone has a weekend where the OCD really takes a back seat...take care, Rachel

PS When you have time Sad would it be possible to post the link to the Claire Weeks recordings? No worries if not.

Rachel, Sad mentioned the medication thing. That's the FIRST thing my counselor would ask me about when I was suffering as badly as you obviously are right now.

 

[RachelZ]

Hi KayKay...yes I am on medication...not enough I don't think but have agreed with Psychiatrist that this isn't a good time to increase or alter them. I think they're prolly preventing me being even worse which is a good thing. Feeling a bit better today thankfully...though feeling that starting to wobble...it never lasts long enough unfortunately! My therapist isn't really into medication...not that he's into abrupt withdawal but I think his aim is to end up with someone being able to come off meds. Not sure that would be possible for me as whenever I come off them I seem to end up even worse...it's been like that ever since I had some very unhelpful prescribing advice and suudenly stopped taking my meds and went through hell...you just trust what your GP tells you to do...I wish I hadn't now!

Thanks again...God bless you for your kindess, Rachel