Feedback, support, prayer etc. Dilemma here.

[lilygrace]

Hi all,

Not sure which forum to post this in, I put it in sexual assault a few days ago - maybe it just triggered folks or something, but there are no responses yet, so I am shifting it as this forum seems to have more users.
Anyhow here it is...

I am a regular member here (though I often do more reading than posting). I am using another nick here though for anonymity. I have seen many people do that here so am hoping the rules haven't changed and that it is still ok to do so.

Anyway, I guess I mostly wanted to get something off my chest. I have had a great deal of sexual abuse in my past, and that's something that I am in the midst of getting healed etc with a great Christian counsellor, so there's no worries there. I have made a lot of progress and continue to do so.

But yeah, the point of this thread is that in the last few weeks I have had this brand new flashback and I am struggling with it. It came via body memories (these can't be faked etc so there's no doubt it's real, and I really don't want to get into a debate about that, just so you know in advance) and has really freaked me out because it involved a type of sex that I had managed to avoid in my other abuse experiences, one which I find completely unnatural, degrading and potentially injurious and personally have no interest in ever doing consensually. I won't say it specifically in case I trigger someone.

I know in my head that experiencing this was not my fault, doesn't change who I am etc. I am also beginning to really believe that in my heart also. I guess where I am stuck is in this tremendous grief that it happened at all and trying to get my head around having done that - although i know it wasn't my deed in that sense. Just don't want to have done that, u know? Even though it was the one type of sex that I wouldn't choose to be involved in even in marriage, the idea that there was *something* that I hadn't done was more of a reassurance to me than I had thought, you know? So then to get the flashbacks and realise that nope, there's nothing left, well that's been pretty hard.

Anyway, that's my thing. Would appreciate prayer, and if anyone has any hints on dealing with the grief of it I'd appreciate that too. I am not concerned about the "it's not your fault" side of it - thankfully Jesus has already made that clear to me. Would appreciate knowing this isn't some wierd tangent I am on, I guess.

thanks for bearing with me it's a bit long.

Lilygrace

 

[lilymarie]

It sounds like you are suffering post traumatic syndrome, especially the flash backs. As far as unusual sex, it's often linked to a type of punishing yourself. You need to stop punishing yourself and you need to know that you are forgiven and you need to forgive the person who hurt you.

Do you have a doctor or a crisis abuse recovery line number you can call. You need to go to a recovery group; it's usually free. Let me know if you find one in your area.

I will be praying for your healing and hope to hear back from you.

 

[FallingWaters]

the idea that there was *something* that I hadn't done was more of a reassurance to me than I had thought, you know? So then to get the flashbacks and realise that nope, there's nothing left, well that's been pretty hard.

Aww. Geez. That's hard. I'm sorry. I feel like crying. I feel your loss. I have been somewhere like this. I do know what you're saying.

You are on the right track. You used the word grief. The best thing I ever learned was to treat it like a death and grieve it. I let myself go through all the feelings of the grieving process. The best thing I can recommend is to write down all your feelings, like in a letter to God, or a diary to God. Write it where you can feel free to say anything you want, without fear. Once you get one bunch of feelings written down, a new bunch will come. The writing draws them out and gets rid of them.

Once you have fully grieved your losses, you should be able to forgive the one who victimized you. Forgiveness is the real goal of the process because that's what sets you free. Matthew 18:23-35

This is a very big loss because you thought you were at least pure in one area, and now you feel you have not one shred of purity left. It was all stolen. Pour your heart out to Jesus, and let me remind you that He makes all things new. He restores what the locusts have eaten. He will purify your heart and mind again and you will be a virgin in His sight.

Father, I pray for this dear Lily, that You would draw her near to You, hide her under the shadow of Your wing, and give her safety and comfort and hope in Your presence. Father, lead her and guide her as she continues in recovering from this awful abuse. Give her counselor wisdom and discernment. Pour out Your unconditional love into her heart.

 

[lilymarie]

How true FallingWaters, yes grief is part of the mourning process whether it's for a loved one who has died or for a part of ourselves that is lost forever -- our innocence and trust that has been betrayed.

Grief is a part of the depression that occurs in the mourning process which goes through five stages.

1) Shock (disbelief, how could this happen?)
2) Guilt (the "what if only" syndrome; if only I did this; if only I didn't do that)
3) Anger (why did this have to happen?)
4) Depression (grief, sadness, loss)
5) Acceptance

It can take awhile to get to the acceptance that this happened, but if you keep stuffing it, you will keep being stuck going back and forth between guilt, back to anger, back to depression.

As far as post traumatic stress disorder or syndrome, I would encourage you to see a profressional and go to a women's group, they are usually free, and they have so much more training in this area to help you get past the grief so that you can understand what you are going through and that you are not alone.

Jesus is always ready to heal you, too! But even Jesus had friends in the apostles, and we are to hold each other up. But the internet is not always the same as real interaction with people who can give you a real hug. Don't isolate yourself from this, I would encourage professional guidance or free Christian counseling if you have a church.

Still hope to hear back from you!

 

[lilygrace]

Hi all,

Sorry for my delay in posting,
I was getting "run time error" messages from when CF had maintenance time until now and the computer wouldn't read and send my replies. Drove me nuts!

thanks for your responses Lilymarie and Falling Waters your support means a great deal. I have spent a lot of time this weekend thinking and praying about this issue.

I might just clarify a couple of things. Firstly, I am in Christian counselling already lilymarie, and that is going well (and yep I do have PTSD). I posted re the grief I am feeling in response to the latest flashback that has come up in counselling. Also the references in my first post to "unusual sex" was to the content of the flashback - I haven't been acting out at all (unless you count escapism through chocolate )

You are both right that this whole thing centres around walking it all through with Jesus, and grieving well. Being open and real about the amount of loss, and yet not letting it all define me is a balance that is difficult to strike, but I know I need to continue to persevere in that. Jesus has also been reminding me of the purity issue - that my sense of purity has undoubtedly been damaged, but nothing has changed who I am - I don't actually think I have lost purity, cos it didn't depend on what I have or haven't done in the first place. But again the line between the two can be fine, sometimes so I need to keep that straight in my head too.

I dunno, I have many thoughts on this. I mostly want to say how much I appreciate the support. Anyone else with anything to add is welcome, too. It's just great to not feel alone in the whole thing, everything helps at the moment.

God bless
Lilygrace

 

[FallingWaters]

It's good that you have a Christian counselor. I have hardly ever had access to one, and it's frustrating to me.

I'm sorry about this hard time you're going through. You seem to be on the right track, though. Keep leaning on Jesus, and being real about your feelings. I think you'll be okay.

Lord Jesus, I pray You would make Yourself real to Lilygrace in a special. I pray she would know the comfort of Your presence, and the wonderfulness of Your healing touch.

 

[lilygrace]

Hi again,

Just an update,

My counselling has been going well I think but yeah I am finding it really hard and would appreciate prayer. I had a friend getting stalked by another friend of ours recently and found that really disturbing and triggery and so on.

As I said the counselling is going well. I have realised that one of the really restricting things for me is that so many key people in my life don't know that I am trying to heal from anything and that feels really isolating.

I recently told my two Bible Study groups what has been going on and that's been incredibly freeing - I don't talk about it much or go into details but it helps to have people knowing where I am at.

Also, I am considering telling my parents what happened. I have not spoken to them ever about any of my abuse apart from physical abuse by my brother. They are in denial about that. But, these latest flashbacks are from someone else, most likely a babysitter.

So, I am now praying about whether or not to tell them, and how best to go about that. I would appreciate prayer for wisdom in that process. I won't rush it, I will make sure to be further along in healing and grieving first, so it's not so raw. But those are my current thoughts and anyone with any suggestions or whatever is most welcome to chip in, especially on how to do this.

How are you doing FallingWaters? I feel for you not having access to a Christian counsellor that often. My counselling has been cut back in the last month and I find that dreadfully hard esp when I feel so desperate so often. Will be praying for you.

Lilygrace

 

[FallingWaters]

How are you doing FallingWaters? I feel for you not having access to a Christian counsellor that often. My counselling has been cut back in the last month and I find that dreadfully hard esp when I feel so desperate so often. Will be praying for you.

Lilygrace

Dear Lilygrace,
Thank you for asking. I've been stuggling with anger, suicidal thoughts and wanting to harm myself with alcohol and food. But in the last 2 weeks, I've been getting revelation from God about my victimization, and some healing. So that's good.

Thank you for your prayers. While I feel hopeful right now, I feel like I could have a relapse quite easily.

I haven't had time to think about my recovery so I don't want to go to my counselor because I feel like it's a waste of money. And of course, victims don't feel like they deserve anything good, so why should I feel like I deserve a counselor. What a vicious circle.

I pray that God moves you further in your grieving process. I'm so sorry abuse the amount of abuse you endured. You are a dear. Thank you for asking about me.

 

[lilygrace]

Hi FallingWaters,

Great to hear from you!

I do think my grieving is progressing a bit. I have realised that as an adult I was holding on to a fair bit of denial about various aspects of my abuse - no wonder it has been so hard to heal - part of me has always been effectively saying "ok yeah please deal with this, Jesus, if it happened, but I don't think it did".

Hmm. So, anyway, I have realised just in the last couple of days really that I don't have that "yes but what if" kind of denial going on now. That's a great step I figure. Of course, it feels a lot more painful, but yeah, I felt pretty divided against myself before, so I would prefer pain caused by reality than pain caused by denial. I am finding it very difficult to move past just feeling distraught that any of it happened at all, and have been avoiding starting really plummeting the depths because of that - what if I can't get back out again? Or, what if I do get out, but meantime I get so stuck down there that the rest of my life - and in particular, my job - goes down the toilet as a result, before I can get back out? Heal or work? It's a tough call. I am hoping to keep doing both, and hopefully am not fooling myself about that.

There is certainly a time when counselling would be helpful and times when it isn't. I will pray that you will get time to do the reflecting and journalling and whatever else that would let you make the most of the sessions that you can then go to. It's hard isn't it? My counselling has been cut back, but even if it was increased again my work schedule doesn't really allow time to go more often - even though the state of my head is slowing down and complicating every aspect of my life and therefore should be my biggest priority. AND of course all that contributes to the thought that I should just put up and shut up and deal with everything myself and get over it, etc. (Which is demonstrably not possible for me. Heck if I could think my way out of this pain, I'd be long gone from it by now!).

I will keep praying for an even keel for us both as we work through things. The ups and downs are draining in themselves, I find. Your encouragement is immensely helpful to me

keep hoping

Lilygrace

 

[restore]

It is encouraging

 

[FallingWaters]

Hi FallingWaters,

Great to hear from you!

I do think my grieving is progressing a bit. I have realised that as an adult I was holding on to a fair bit of denial about various aspects of my abuse - no wonder it has been so hard to heal - part of me has always been effectively saying "ok yeah please deal with this, Jesus, if it happened, but I don't think it did".

Hmm. So, anyway, I have realised just in the last couple of days really that I don't have that "yes but what if" kind of denial going on now. That's a great step I figure.

Whenever you notice a healthy change in your natural thinking process that is always a good sign! And a sign that God is at work healing you, because only God can heal a heart.

Of course, it feels a lot more painful, but yeah, I felt pretty divided against myself before, so I would prefer pain caused by reality than pain caused by denial.

I know exactly what you mean and I agree with you.

I am finding it very difficult to move past just feeling distraught that any of it happened at all, and have been avoiding starting really plummeting the depths because of that - what if I can't get back out again? Or, what if I do get out, but meantime I get so stuck down there that the rest of my life - and in particular, my job - goes down the toilet as a result, before I can get back out? Heal or work? It's a tough call. I am hoping to keep doing both, and hopefully am not fooling myself about that.

I understand your concern. I do wonder how working people keep all those balls juggled in the air. I think some people can do it, and I just ask God our Father right now that He would carry you through this time, and give you the emotional strength to accomplish your responsibilities as you face the pain of your grief.

There is certainly a time when counselling would be helpful and times when it isn't. I will pray that you will get time to do the reflecting and journalling and whatever else that would let you make the most of the sessions that you can then go to. It's hard isn't it?

Yes, and thanks for your understanding. You bless my heart.

My counselling has been cut back, but even if it was increased again my work schedule doesn't really allow time to go more often - even though the state of my head is slowing down and complicating every aspect of my life and therefore should be my biggest priority. AND of course all that contributes to the thought that I should just put up and shut up and deal with everything myself and get over it, etc. (Which is demonstrably not possible for me. Heck if I could think my way out of this pain, I'd be long gone from it by now!).

"...if I could think my way out of this pain..." I hear THAT! LOL!

I will keep praying for an even keel for us both as we work through things. The ups and downs are draining in themselves, I find. Your encouragement is immensely helpful to me

keep hoping

Lilygrace

Thank you, Luv. I appreciate your encouragement, too.

Lord Jesus, Lover of our souls, thank You for Your unconditional Love, that even though we sin every day in what we do or don't do, You don't abandon us. Your hands are outstretched toward us in mercy and grace to heal us and strengthen us so that we can become more like You, and bring glory and honor to the Father in all that we do. I pray that this day You would bless Lilygrace and I with a garment of joy, that even in the midst of the pain and fear we face, that joy would spring forth from our innermost being as we walk in the truth that You love us, and we are safe in Your hands.

 

[Gabbylittleangel]

I have realised that one of the really restricting things for me is that so many key people in my life don't know that I am trying to heal from anything and that feels really isolating.......
......Also, I am considering telling my parents what happened.
Lilygrace

lilygrace,
I will be praying for you. Please ask the Lord before discussing your flashbacks with your parents.
I have been going through the same thing for the past 15 years, and over time discovered that some of the people that I trusted the most were the source of my problems.
Flashbacks are a good sign of healing. Some terrible memory has been repressed until you became strong enough to carry the load. The thing that you dissociated from is trying to come back.
One of the toughest things I have had to deal with is having a tiny piece of something come back, and realize that as bad as it was, it was only the tip of the ice berg.
Go with God

Gabbylittleangel