Fed up with husband's temper tantrums

[GinnaBee]

My husband has tantrums every 3 to 4 weeks which will usually lasts over 3-4 days. It starts with him complaining about trivial things in life on the first day (always the exact same complaints each time) and multiplies each day until finally, he'll pick an argument with me over something small and takes his anger out on me. The complaints and arguments are always so irrational, that I find it hard to believe he is being serious. For example, an argument pursued yesterday, on my birthday of all days, over me deciding to have the same thing he was having for lunch. No kidding. He got worked up over the fact I didn't know what to have for lunch and decided I'd make a sandwich because he already had the food out. Personally, I think he uses any excuse to start the argument. He truly couldn't get upset over something so unimportant. I knew this past week that it was coming, because he's been complaining more and more each day. Of all days, he blew up on my birthday and ruined the entire day for me. You would think he would've held off his selfish gripes for one day just to allow me to enjoy my birthday. I love him, I am a good wife. I never complain to him. I never nag at him. I have always been very supportive of him. He is always a good companion in every other aspect of our marriage. He will do most anything I ask, he will help me do house chores. He has always been romantic. He is what I would consider a great husband for the most part. In between these tantrums, he is happy, chipper and fun to be around. I don't know what brings on the episodes, other than depression or maybe another medical condition. He absolutely refuses to go to the doctor about it, which scares me that this may one day end our marriage. I cannot tolerate this from him much longer. We have been married for 8 years and this has been a regular thing for about 6 of those years. It has to stop. When he starts complaining to me, I tell him to give his worries to God. He gets upset with me because he says he does exactly that but yet he stands there complaining and arguing with me. How can he possibly think he has given his worries to God if he is still upset over it?!! That only tells me he doesn't have faith in God. I pray over this, and I will continue to pray over it. It hurts me to see him like this, and it also hurt me that he takes it out on me. I am a very optimistic person and when he does this, I feel like he has broken my spirit. I have no drive, no joy. I sometimes even feel bitterness toward him because it is his choice to do something about it, but he refuses. That tells me that this marriage is worth nothing to him. Any helpful advice is welcome.

 

[fairygailie]

my husband had temper trantrums for many years. i finally figured out it was because he was unable to communicate his frustrations, etc., so blowing up in anger was all he knew. he had no clue how to communicate his feelings then, and still doesn't. our shouting matches got bigger and bigger until i was throwing stuff (not at him) in anger at his asinine remarks and running out the door.

that ended, and now it's silence. just awful silence.

all i can say is that those times were the start of our marriage going downhill. and it went downhill until it hit rock bottom and now i can't wait to be free of the guy one day.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

If you haven't done so yet, verbalizing your observation to him would be the first thing. Without telling him how to deal with it (eg - giving it to God), but just making it known during the peaceful times, how he starts complaining until it gets out of hand and he takes it out on you.
Then when it does happen again, you will know that he is aware of the issue, so you can point out that it's happening in the beginning, so he has a chance to grab it before it goes any further. As he continues to go further (and i'm sure the first few times he will), have some boundaries already decided and put them in place.
Always communicate what you are doing, so that he gets the chance to associate his behaviour with your boundary. Eg, when he starts, say i'm willing to talk things through with you without your complaining, if it carries on, then say, i'm going out of the room for now, if you want to talk maturely come find me...if it carries on etc...then leave the house for a while etc...
What you need to teach him, is that when he behaves like that you will not be around to wear it.
It sounds like a learned behaviour and now you're in a pattern where he complains, it gets worse, he takes it out on you and then everything's fine for him, but you are left feeling bitter...
It's just a matter of breaking the pattern, and you can do that by changing how you respond, and since you know the pattern so well, you can consider your changes fairly easily before it happens next time.

 

[dorig59]

Personally it sounds to me like he has a medical condition, or needs some kind of medication. I'm not one to jump towards things like that, but he really should have an evaluation done. He sounds manic depressive to me, or something like that.

Then again, maybe he's just immature.

Do you guys have a church you go to where there are other men he could get together with to pray and be accountable to one another? That could be helpful.

 

[overit]

TO me it sounds exactly like the cycle of a verbal/emotional abuser honestly.

 

[GinnaBee]

my husband had temper trantrums for many years. i finally figured out it was because he was unable to communicate his frustrations, etc., so blowing up in anger was all he knew. he had no clue how to communicate his feelings then, and still doesn't. our shouting matches got bigger and bigger until i was throwing stuff (not at him) in anger at his asinine remarks and running out the door.

that ended, and now it's silence. just awful silence.

all i can say is that those times were the start of our marriage going downhill. and it went downhill until it hit rock bottom and now i can't wait to be free of the guy one day.

Thank you! I am hoping it never gets to that point. I don't want to quit this marriage, but I want him to find out why he does this and get treated for it. Something has to be going on, whether it be depression, manic depression, or bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, he will not go to the doctor. As a matter of fact, he doesn't talk about it after the fact. If we do ever discuss it, he says he doesn't know why he gets like that but still refuses to see a doctor. I will continue to pray for a resolution. I will also pray for you and your situation. I hope everything works out for you too.

 

[anyman]

My husband has tantrums every 3 to 4 weeks which will usually lasts over 3-4 days.

Sounds like he's having his period.

 

[GinnaBee]

Hossannainthehighest:

I have expressed my views on it, and usually after the fact. I think your plan could be a possible solution and I'm willing to try it. Years ago, I had at times made a verbal note to him of warning signs and he had only disagreed with my observation and continued with the cycle. But I think if I tell him that we can follow this plan together, maybe he'll see a solution as well (one without having to go to the doctor) and will be willing to cooperate with me. Thank you for your answer!

 

[GinnaBee]

Sounds like he's having his period.

Funny you would say this. This is exactly how I have referred to it, when I've discussed it with my best friend. I can say this, it is like clockwork just like a period is. And btw, we are not on the same cycle

 

[GinnaBee]

Overit: "TO me it sounds exactly like the cycle of a verbal/emotional abuser honestly."

Fortunately, I am positive it ISN'T this. The tantrum will usually start with something stupid that includes something I've done. But he doesn't berate me, insult me, etc. He puts all his pessimist opinions/complaints on to me. It usually involves why his life is so miserable, why he is such a failure, why he never has anything, his negative views on the world around him, his hate for new technology. I have to listen to countless complaints of this nature for hours on end. Once he thinks he's had his say, he is good for about another 3 to 4 weeks. It's truly sad. I know it is psychological but he isn't a verbal abuser. Thank you for your answer!

 

[GinnaBee]

TO me it sounds exactly like the cycle of a verbal/emotional abuser honestly.

Fortunately, I am positive it ISN'T this. The tantrum will usually start with something stupid that includes something I've done. But he doesn't berate me, insult me, etc. He puts all his pessimist opinions/complaints on to me. It usually involves why his life is so miserable, why he is such a failure, why he never has anything, his negative views on the world around him, his hate for new technology. I have to listen to countless complaints of this nature for hours on end. Once he thinks he's had his say, he is good for about another 3 to 4 weeks. It's truly sad. I know it is psychological but he isn't a verbal abuser. Thank you for your answer!

 

[anyman]

Funny you would say this. This is exactly how I have referred to it, when I've discussed it with my best friend. I can say this, it is like clockwork just like a period is. And btw, we are not on the same cycle

There use to be a sociological theory about the male cycle. Don't know if it still holds water or if they've abandoned ship on that one.
It is odd though that it goes that way. Any possible triggers work, home etc.. Does it happen around the time of the month when you pay most of the bills? Finantial stress can get to anyone.

 

[GinnaBee]

Personally it sounds to me like he has a medical condition, or needs some kind of medication. I'm not one to jump towards things like that, but he really should have an evaluation done. He sounds manic depressive to me, or something like that.

Then again, maybe he's just immature.

Do you guys have a church you go to where there are other men he could get together with to pray and be accountable to one another? That could be helpful.

I'm sure you're right. I have looked up symptoms of manic depression, and there are numerous matches. He does need to have an evaluation, and I've tried to convince him of this. We do have a church, and actually several groups he could join. I will be certain to suggest this. Thank you for your answer!

 

[Revived]

Wow...I was this guy in so many ways

Bear with me, I have some advice and resources for you. Stay strong in the meantime ... God can fix this!

 

[GinnaBee]

There use to be a sociological theory about the male cycle. Don't know if it still holds water or if they've abandoned ship on that one.
It is odd though that it goes that way. Any possible triggers work, home etc.. Does it happen around the time of the month when you pay most of the bills? Finantial stress can get to anyone.

I'd be interested in reading up on this theory. I have never noticed any triggers. I sometimes wonder if it may be low self esteem. He often is intimidated by learning any new skills, even learning how to operate a new cell phone stresses him out. He has been in the same industry for the past 25 years and will often talk of how he wish he knew another trade. However, he doesn't have any confidence in himself to learn anything new. I always tell him he can do anything he puts his mind to but honestly, he doesn't believe me.

 

[LovesToBless]

Seems to me like perhaps he grew up with being put down? A person like that doesn't "believe" the things that someone else says if it's super ingrained in them.

For example, I have a friend, who was bullied growing up. Her faith is strong, her marriage is strong, but I can tell how it still impacts her all these years later.

And...with all due respect to you...we're only hearing one side of the story...which is always the case with any of these types of threads, so please don't think I'm singling you out for my comment.

I hope you don't give him the impression that you're thinking of leaving, as that wouldn't help someone who has low confidence in themselves.

 

[fairygailie]

i agree your husband needs help. sounds like mine. he would never get help, because he's have to ADMIT he's got emotional problems, and he'll never do that.

all i can do is hope to get outta here.

 

[GinnaBee]

Seems to me like perhaps he grew up with being put down? A person like that doesn't "believe" the things that someone else says if it's super ingrained in them.

For example, I have a friend, who was bullied growing up. Her faith is strong, her marriage is strong, but I can tell how it still impacts her all these years later.

And...with all due respect to you...we're only hearing one side of the story...which is always the case with any of these types of threads, so please don't think I'm singling you out for my comment.

I hope you don't give him the impression that you're thinking of leaving, as that wouldn't help someone who has low confidence in themselves.

From being around his family, I don't see any evidence that he was brought up that way and I have never heard him mention that he was ever talked down to in his youth by anyone. I guess that doesn't completely rule out the possibility of it, however.

I have not mentioned anything of possibly leaving him. As a matter of fact, I have discussed the issue with him today, but only by giving him the opportunity to suggest what he thinks will help avoid any more possible outbursts. I want him to feel he has the power of fixing himself, not him having to feel like he has to follow my rules of what I think we should do. We have both agreed on what I consider a constructive plan, and are prepared to follow it when we are faced with it again. Possibly ending the marriage never came up and I pray that it never gets to that point. That would, of course, be my last resort. Thank you for your answer!

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

Hossannainthehighest:

I have expressed my views on it, and usually after the fact. I think your plan could be a possible solution and I'm willing to try it. Years ago, I had at times made a verbal note to him of warning signs and he had only disagreed with my observation and continued with the cycle. But I think if I tell him that we can follow this plan together, maybe he'll see a solution as well (one without having to go to the doctor) and will be willing to cooperate with me. Thank you for your answer!

you're welcome...
i'm thinking though, if he disagreed with your observation and continued the cycle, then following a plan together may not work...initially...
What i'm suggesting is that you verbalise the plan and then put it to action whether or not he agrees, so in effect YOU are changing the cycle regardless of whether he joins in to change it at first.
If you are no longer around to listen to his continuous complaints then he will by default have to do something different...What you are doing then is changing your part in the relationship, and maintaining your peace by not having to put up with the behaviour you dont want, and also in a sense forcing him to change what he's doing (since you aren't there to hear it), without actually having to say much or nag.

 

[LovesToBless]

From being around his family, I don't see any evidence that he was brought up that way and I have never heard him mention that he was ever talked down to in his youth by anyone. I guess that doesn't completely rule out the possibility of it, however.

I have not mentioned anything of possibly leaving him. As a matter of fact, I have discussed the issue with him today, but only by giving him the opportunity to suggest what he thinks will help avoid any more possible outbursts. I want him to feel he has the power of fixing himself, not him having to feel like he has to follow my rules of what I think we should do. We have both agreed on what I consider a constructive plan, and are prepared to follow it when we are faced with it again. Possibly ending the marriage never came up and I pray that it never gets to that point. That would, of course, be my last resort. Thank you for your answer!

My mistake, I'm sorry about that. I took this sentence in your opening post - "I cannot tolerate this from him much longer" - as an indication that you were perhaps thinking about leaving. I guess perhaps I've seen that type of thing from others who were looking to leave a marriage.

That's wonderful that you've come up with a constructive plan that is his own formulation. I agree that will make him feel more in control of working on the issue in his own way.

I hope whatever is at the root of his problem that you two can work it through and get to a healthier place. It certainly sounds like you have a lot going for your marriage.

God bless you both.