Fear of Adultery

[JillLars]

This is kind of an odd question, but I thought everyone here would have some insight...

I am getting married next September. My fiance and I have already committed ourselves to one another, and to God. I know that he is the one I want to spend my life with, and I am ready to put work into it as well because I know that a lifelong committment is not always an easy one to make.

My parents divorced about 1.5 years ago. My mom cheated on my dad numerous times during their marriage. My mom was raised Christian, so I wouldn't think she would be a person to commit adultery, but like all other sins, we all have areas where we falter.

Anyways, I find myself afraid of adultery. Not that my fiance will cheat on me, but that I will cheat on him. I would never, ever, ever want to hurt him like that, and I make sure I never put myself in situations where I would be tempted by other men. My fiance and I have also talked extensively about how we will keep our relationship in check so that things don't get so out of hand that one of us would seek love and companionship elsewhere. I think that I am just afraid that because my mom (and so many other women) went into their marriages vowing fidelity, and then broke that promise, that I could falter like they have.

Does anyone know what I am talking about? How do I get over this?

 

[Jenna]

*nods* I know what you are taking about.

Maybe to some extent, the fear is useful. There are times in marriages when many women feel neglected and/or hurt, and feel the temptation to turn to other men. It honestly does seem that at these times of emotional vulnerability, many women falter.

I've found that some of the best ways to cut off possibilities for this kind of behavior are things like keeping Christian girl friends, reading through Scripture often when I am upset, along with learning how to best serve my husband in times of trial. When all else fails, I "flee" temptation. That can be anything from turning off the computer to walking away from a conversation. It hasn't failed me yet. lol

 

[JillLars]

Thanks Jenna. I am glad that someone else understands what I am talking about.

The other day, I was watching "Montel", and the show was about adultery. When asking a woman how her affair started she said, "Our legs touched, and I didn't move away."

Sometimes I feel like I am overly concerned with fleeing temptation, but after watching that show, I think its good that I avoid situations that could cause me to stumble.

I don't have a lot of Christian girl-friends, and sometimes I feel like temptation (especially of a sexual nature) is such a taboo subject that I don't feel comfortable talking about it with other people. I am glad I have friends on CF that I can talk to about this, cause it has been weighing on my mind a lot lately.

 

[Jenna]

I can definitely empathize with you. There was a time that I thought that I was above "cheating", but I came awfully close at one time because I allowed my emotions to rule me when I was feeling rejected and alone. Thankfully I was held accountable, and basically was given hell. (lol) While I didn't have anyone at that time to talk to, the loving aid of many beautiful women here have helped me to understand my feelings and bolstered my spirit to do what is right by my husband and God, no matter how icky I feel.

I would agree that if there is any decision to make, I would rather ere on the side of caution.

 

[Mayzoo]

Don't know if this will help, but it is similar. At some point you have to become aware of who you are. What you stand for. Then you will better be able to say....I am not my mother and I will not follow in her footsteps, because I am me.

I was abused many different ways by my mother (details not relevant in this case). I have always been afraid of having children because I would be "prone" to repeating her misdeeds. My mother also professes Christianity with her mouth.

My desire to have a child finally overwhelmed my fear. I have a wonderful 2.5 yr old daughter. I have never even thought the horrid things that my mother both said and did. My mother began abusing my daughter when my daughter was 10 mo old. It took a couple months for it to become overt and alarming. It definately opened my eyes about the fact that I have the right to make my own choices in my behavior. When my daughter was 15 mo old, I severed contact with my mother, and told her not to contact my family anymore. I told her to stop, gave her time to change, she refussed, so I was left no other choice in my mind. My daughter will not undergo what I endured by anyones hand.

Through a lot of healing, introspection and seeking the Lord, I came to the realization that I am my own person, I am not destined to repeat my mother's choices. I am not perfect by any means...but I am not my mother either. I am destined to make all new mistakes . But, by trying my best, constantly being vigilant, I know my daugter will benifit.

If you do the introspection, healing, and look to the Lord....I am confident you will be fine.

 

[JillLars]

Thanks Jenna and Mayzoo for your insightful responses.

I guess that I shouldn't be afraid of mistakes I haven't made yet. Maybe that fear would even lead me into those mistakes. I will try to be more introspective and remember that I am my own person. I also try to concentrate on the fact that I have a wonderful fiance, he takes wonderful care of me, and has always been so supportive of me.

 

[Saint2be27]

Awww Jill,

I remember this fear....well. It can be very scary because NO ONE is above adultery, we all seem to hit times when we are weak, needing affection or whatever the personal need is.

I seem to remember an episode on Dr. Phil where he asked a very mature couple (dont remember how long they had been married but I know it was a LONG time) how they had held their marriage together and she stated, "they were never out of love at the same time". I think their is a lot of truth to that.

A few things I've picked up in 9 years of marriage is....
*communication, be open with each other
*hold each other accountable w/o nagging (lol I have found recently this is possible)
*pray together
*remember the verse Eph 5:33...love and honor. Honor is a big thing to a man just as us wives need to be shown love.

May God bless your marriage, may it be built on a foundation of Christ

 

[JillLars]

Thanks for your advice saint2b27. We are trying to keep Christ at the center of our relationship, and I think that will help a lot.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

You are very blessed, too, to have a supportive fiance who takes a serious interest in your spiritual wellbeing. It prevents a whole host of problems.

I think for a woman trying to avoid this situation, the best thing she can do is keep his need for intimacy fulfilled and be very gentle with his ego, and here's how it helps her: he will do everything he can to step into the role she needs him to fulfill as a man and meet her emotional needs. When her emotional needs are met, she is far less likely to respond to a man whose ego needs boosting because his wife isn't fulfilling his need for that.

 

[InTheFlame]

Pay close attention to when you're feeling attracted to other men in the slightest. It WILL happen. Sit down and work out why - eg. did you have an argument with your husband the night before? Have you been losing intimacy because you're starting to take each other for granted? etc. Each time you do this you can gain valuable insight into 1. how to make your marriage even better, and 2. when to be especially on-guard against temptation.

Hope that helps.

 

[mghalpern]

This is kind of an odd question, but I thought everyone here would have some insight...

I am getting married next September. My fiance and I have already committed ourselves to one another, and to God. I know that he is the one I want to spend my life with, and I am ready to put work into it as well because I know that a lifelong committment is not always an easy one to make.

My parents divorced about 1.5 years ago. My mom cheated on my dad numerous times during their marriage. My mom was raised Christian, so I wouldn't think she would be a person to commit adultery, but like all other sins, we all have areas where we falter.

Anyways, I find myself afraid of adultery. Not that my fiance will cheat on me, but that I will cheat on him. I would never, ever, ever want to hurt him like that, and I make sure I never put myself in situations where I would be tempted by other men. My fiance and I have also talked extensively about how we will keep our relationship in check so that things don't get so out of hand that one of us would seek love and companionship elsewhere. I think that I am just afraid that because my mom (and so many other women) went into their marriages vowing fidelity, and then broke that promise, that I could falter like they have.

Does anyone know what I am talking about? How do I get over this?

Your post is not odd at all. Both men and women often struggle with the thought that they may (or could) have an adulterous affair at some point. This could actually be a healthy "fear" or thought if it is used to keep you sensitive to the possibility that it "could" happen. We should never think we are above committing any type of sin in our lives.

I will tell you that in my six years of marriage (even in the last nine and a half month that we have been separated) there have been thoughts and opportunity of having relations outside of my marriage. As a matter of fact, one of my clients (about four months ago) came on to me so strongly that I had to basically rebuke her and let her know that what she had said was inappropriate (though, I thought to myself, flattering). A few things that I have done to prevent falling in this area are:

1. I know that God sees everything that I do and I don't want to fail Him;
2. I always remember how much I love my wife and how damaging this would be to our marriage;
3. This would be a terrible witness to the other person and would be very disrespectful to them (as well as the Lord and my wife);
4. I never find myself alone with a woman other than my wife;
5. I have told a couple of women that I have been very attracted to the truth about my attraction and that I certainly don't want anything to ever happen between us;
6. I have to cast out any thoughts/fantasies immediately/repeatedly when they come to mind (this is just a lie from Hell), and;
7. Because I happen to do quite a bit of counseling (more often for females than males), I never meet them in a private location. We are always where others can "watch" us (but not hear us very well).

Hope this helps...Michael

 

[JillLars]

Wow, you all have offered great advice. I appreciate it a lot. I feel much better knowing that I am not weird for having this fear.

 

[Jill Ann]

Michael--

I completely agree with everything you wrote in your very WISE post. But there was one thing you said that jumped out at me and I have to address it.

You said: "I have told a couple of women that I have been very attracted to the truth about my attraction and that I certainly don't want anything to ever happen between us"

I have to tell you this is a VERY dangerous thing to do!!! Telling someone (other than your wife) that you find them attractive plants a seed that may have never even been there before (on their part). Why would you feel the need to tell another woman you find her attractive??? This is what people do when they are interested in dating someone and a way of putting "feelers" out there to see if the other person will take the bait. The only woman you should be talking to about an inappropriate attraction you have should be your wife...although this is hard to do, it is what will keep your marriage open and honest and it will kill the sparks of inappropriate attraction faster than anything else you can do.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Jill, I agree with both of you: it could cause a stumbling block, or (and I think this is what Michael had in view), sometimes women don't realize they're doing something that is a stumbling block. When he lets her know, she may be more sensitive to how she's coming across, and not be offended if he says he can't talk to her anymore or what have you.

I would think twice before mentioning it to the spouse, though; it may be one of those things you talk to with other guys (or if you're a woman, to other women) and keep things feeling secure for the wife. If he tells her, she may blow it up to be more than it really was, or stop trusting him when he has every intention of dealing with it and keeping his affections focused on her. It could do damage to the marriage.

 

[mghalpern]

Michael--

I completely agree with everything you wrote in your very WISE post. But there was one thing you said that jumped out at me and I have to address it.

You said: "I have told a couple of women that I have been very attracted to the truth about my attraction and that I certainly don't want anything to ever happen between us"

I have to tell you this is a VERY dangerous thing to do!!! Telling someone (other than your wife) that you find them attractive plants a seed that may have never even been there before (on their part). Why would you feel the need to tell another woman you find her attractive??? This is what people do when they are interested in dating someone and a way of putting "feelers" out there to see if the other person will take the bait. The only woman you should be talking to about an inappropriate attraction you have should be your wife...although this is hard to do, it is what will keep your marriage open and honest and it will kill the sparks of inappropriate attraction faster than anything else you can do.

Jill, I agree with both of you: it could cause a stumbling block, or (and I think this is what Michael had in view), sometimes women don't realize they're doing something that is a stumbling block. When he lets her know, she may be more sensitive to how she's coming across, and not be offended if he says he can't talk to her anymore or what have you.

I would think twice before mentioning it to the spouse, though; it may be one of those things you talk to with other guys (or if you're a woman, to other women) and keep things feeling secure for the wife. If he tells her, she may blow it up to be more than it really was, or stop trusting him when he has every intention of dealing with it and keeping his affections focused on her. It could do damage to the marriage.

Thank you to both of you. I appreciate what you have both said and where you are both coming from. I also agree with both of you. First, I do believe there are times (and people) who it would be the worst thing possible to tell them that you have any kind of attraction to. On the other hand (and in my case), this was done in a way to not hide something (in darkness) that could actually cause a greater problem later. These two sisters were very understanding and knew that we had to keep our discussions from "getting away from us." I was important that I acknowledged our self-awareness, so we would both be very cautious. Second, I would also agree with both of you about telling your spouse. Depending upon the relationship you have with your mate, you may or may not be able to mention something that can be as threatening to them as this. In a very mature and healthy marriage, this is most appropriate, an older couple that I refer to as Dad and Mom have this kind of relationship. When he has any lustful thought or an attraction to another woman, he immediately tells his wife and they pray together about it (exposing it). This is what I believe all marriages should strive for. However, not all couples are in this place of relational/spiritual maturity and revealing an attraction or lustful thought about another person could be, and usually is, very detrimental to your relationship. Thank you again for your comments. I hope my postings are helpful. I know that many of you reach me through your postings...Michael

 

[Jill Ann]

Michael and Whitehorse-

Thanks for responding back.

I, too, am in agreement with what you both said in your posts....and the word that kept coming to mind as I read was "wisdom". How refreshing.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

My parents had an awful marriage. But this marriage is my marriage. I am not afraid of following the example I had. I know what kind of marriage I want and that is what I work toward. As far as adultery I like to say that even suparman had his kryptonite, so none of us shuold ever think we are above a behavior. Thus we take steps to prevent flirting with the behavior. As far as adultery goes and ounce of prevention saves a world of trouble. People don't get ugly or unattractive or uninteresting after you get married.
I will never have alone time with any female friend. Which is a sacrifice cause one of them it would be great to go have coffee with. I love her to pieces. But I have to maintain a distance. That's the key is maintaining distances when you're married. Marriage is a sacrifice of a lot of things.
I used my parents' negative example to show me the kind of marriage I refuse to ever have.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Maybe this might have something to do with preventing adultery too, so since we're on the subject, how do you handle friends who are the opposite sex? Do you talk to them still? Almost all my friends before I was married were of the opposite sex, so that left me in quite a pickle. How do you witness to someone you care about without opening yourself up to trouble? (My spouse has moved to another state and is unavailable to step in, and I've pretty much lost contact with all those opposite-sex friends for the sake of my spouse.)

 

[mghalpern]

Maybe this might have something to do with preventing adultery too, so since we're on the subject, how do you handle friends who are the opposite sex? Do you talk to them still? Almost all my friends before I was married were of the opposite sex, so that left me in quite a pickle. How do you witness to someone you care about without opening yourself up to trouble? (My spouse has moved to another state and is unavailable to step in, and I've pretty much lost contact with all those opposite-sex friends for the sake of my spouse.)

Are you married yet living apart, or separated? I too have mostly been friends with the opposite sex because I tend to relate much better to women, but I (even though I have been separated from my wife since January) don't have any intimate/private relationships with women now. Which basically means that I now have very, very few relationships at all. Men tend to be a lot more superficial than women and I was raised by two women (my mother and older sister), so I operate on a deep and emotional level most of the time. I find myself occasionally trying to build more male relationships, but I'm also a person who believes that married people ought not have very many single friends (most especially, close intimate friends--same or opposite sex) because it often conflicts with married life. I also believe that we shouldn't abandon singles and I think we need to be examples/mentors to them as well, yet we really need to regulate these relationships...Michael

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Are you married yet living apart, or separated?

Both, as strange as that may sound. There is a strong affection between us and professionally we're very much involved with each other, pretty much on a daily basis, but faithwise we see things very differently, and that has been the main cause for concern. While the move was job-related, there doesn't seem to be much progress in the area of resettling both of us in one state, although that has been my pointed goal.

I too have mostly been friends with the opposite sex because I tend to relate much better to women, but I (even though I have been separated from my wife since January) don't have any intimate/private relationships with women now. Which basically means that I now have very, very few relationships at all.

I'm sorry, bro. I know how that goes.

Men tend to be a lot more superficial than women and I was raised by two women (my mother and older sister), so I operate on a deep and emotional level most of the time. I find myself occasionally trying to build more male relationships, but I'm also a person who believes that married people ought not have very many single friends (most especially, close intimate friends--same or opposite sex) because it often conflicts with married life. I also believe that we shouldn't abandon singles and I think we need to be examples/mentors to them as well, yet we really need to regulate these relationships...Michael

Very true-good point.