Falling for Coworkers

[Cavalier83]

Greetings and Happy Holidays!

I've made different posts here through the years, so I promise I'm not a one-post wonder.

A new girl just started here at my place of work a few months ago. Our personalities click well, and she has all of the qualities of being pretty, smart, in the Faith....We also have great conversations about sports.

As the weeks go on and on, I am developing stronger emotions for her and I really can't help it or do anything about it!

Through separate conversations, we have reasons for not dating coworkers. That's also not a bad thing, since we are at different stages in life. I'm peaking in my career, and ready to settle down. She's still fresh out of college, and acts like it sometimes.

That said, the friend zone is not a terrible thing since its best we don't date. I just cannot seem to stop falling for her.

Even during the holidays, I was quiet and snappy towards family members I normally would NEVER have been that way towards.

Any advice is greatly appreciated! It's eating me up!

 

[rickster]

In my opinion, you have three options.

1) Ignore your self created rule and date your coworker.

2) Follow your self created rule and don't date your coworker. Severely limit your contact with her. You have an intense crush on her, and spending a lot of time around her will drive you crazy since you choose not to date your coworker. Its better for your mental health long term if you stop seeing her. Why tempt yourself with something you can't have?

3) Follow your self created rule and don't date your coworker. Continue to have lots of contact with her since you want to maintain your platonic friendship. You consider it rude to end this friendship, just because you have a crush on her. And you're man enough to place your feelings aside and still be friends with her even though you like her more than a friend.

Let me preface this by saying I think the rule of not dating your coworkers is a good rule. It's likely a net positive.

If you're very risk averse, I would say #2 is the best option. You minimize creating a bad work environment if she rejects you or if you do date her and have a bad break up. You avoid any potential work faux pauxs being a couple at work doing couple things. You also save pain to your psyche. You're not constantly seeing her reminding you of the forbidden fruit. However slowly dwindling your time with her, without coming off as weird/rude/strange is tough to pull off.

Depending on where you are in your life I could see #1 as the best option. Reading your last thread it sounds like waiting for the right circumstance to date someone is not really what you want to be doing. Your biological clock is ticking. You're at the age where your friends are getting married or already married. Some are even having a child, or maybe their second or third. And the thought of why haven't you been able to get into a long term relationship frequently poisons your mind. You're at the point where you're having second thoughts about dating coworkers. You almost don't care about unwritten workplace rules as the pressure from society and the pressure on yourself to pair up is too great. If what I am describing sounds like what you're experiencing, then I would recommend this option. If she meets your faith, personality, and looks criteria then go for it, as long as work relationships are permitted. Ask her to meet you outside of work.

Option #3 is not what I would recommend. The friend zone is a terrible place to be if you have a crush on your friend. It's way too hard to be friends with an attractive female you like more than a friend. I know from experience.

None of these options are easy. You have to weigh your personal boundaries/beliefs with work etiquette.

 

[Dave-W]

How big is your age difference?

 

[Cavalier83]

Honestly, I'd give anything to not be so attracted to her, but it just happened.

I didn't really set forth a rule about dating coworkers. Workplace drama is just something I've never messed with.

To answer the above question, I'm 32 and she is 24. She's about a year out of college and sometimes acts like it (swearing, drinking) which also bothers me as well.

 

[rickster]

I didn't really set forth a rule about dating coworkers. Workplace drama is just something I've never messed with.

And it's probably served you well for many years. Do you want to break the status quo?

To answer the above question, I'm 32 and she is 24. She's about a year out of college and sometimes acts like it (swearing, drinking) which also bothers me as well.

How big of a deal breaker is that for you? Everyone is flawed to an extent. I don't know you, but it sounds like you are self sabotaging yourself with this statement.

 

[Cavalier83]

I honestly don't expect perfection from anyone.

But, it's always good to have standards.

 

[Dave-W]

To answer the above question, I'm 32 and she is 24.

That is 8 years difference. Not good but it is workable.

She's about a year out of college and sometimes acts like it (swearing, drinking) which also bothers me as well.

OK - that would bother me as well. Those attributes are not conducive to a christian relationship or marriage.

You said she was a believer. "In the Faith" was the term you used. So ask her about those lifestyle choices she is making. Does she think they are appropriate for a believer.

 

[Cavalier83]

Thank You!

In all likelihood, I know we shouldn't be dating... Especially, for those reasons.

She's really not a wild person, but those things do occur.

I just know that when the attraction itself sets in, there's nothing I can do about it!

This isn't for the pure joy of self-torture... I just wish I could control my emotions!

 

[Dave-W]

I just know that when the attraction itself sets in, there's nothing I can do about it!
This isn't for the pure joy of self-torture... I just wish I could control my emotions!

This is a strong crush. They happen.

Before I got married I had 3 really strong crushes. I do not think #1 or #3 knew anything about my crushing on them but #2 probably did, because her best friend found out. I never dated any of them, and #1 I never really even spoke to beyond an occasional "Hi!"

But the fact is that you can get over a crush; even a really strong one. It takes time; and not pursuing it on any level.

 

[Deidre32]

Never ever everrrr get involved with coworkers. A bad idea...always. On occasion, it may work out, but most of the time, it doesn't...and then you still have to work with the person. I never got involved with work people, but have seen this type of thing play out. Just a friendly warning. lol

 

[Cavalier83]

I appreciate all of the help and advice. Although I'm still fighting it a bit, I'm doing far better than I was when the post was made.

It feels almost like I was being tested, to see if I could handle a relationship... Not necessarily her, but dating in general. Especially, since I haven't had a girlfriend in so long. If so, I probably didn't score very well considering how stressed out I have been.

I'd hate to stay single forever, but not if there's this much stress involved!

Any input or advice??