(Before I begin with this story. I love to write however my mental disorders make me lose interest and motivation quickly so I figured I would post my story as I write it on this forum and get advice and encouragment from people so I continue my story..since I have never finished one. I biggest hobby is creating characters and giving them detailed backgrounds and this story is the culmination of that as this is the universe in which I am dumping these characters into to. Enjoy the story, please leave something to know you guys are reading it, whether it be a word of encouragment or advice or anything. Oh and yes, each chapter begins with a poem, it;s a tradition for me. Oh..and the first chapters won't have much plot or answers to sorry.)
Prologue
If empathy is no more than a token..
I cry a river in this pouring rain..
My heart sleeps, why won't it be woken..
My lack of caring is killing me..
Father father, this battle is fight is so far no one but myself..
Father father, this devil inside is my own now..
Father father, these tears I cry are for no one but myself..
Father father, I walk this road alone now..
The smoke from my cigerette danced it's way from the fiery amber end and twirled before my eyes in a taunting dance, making sure to remind me of the many times I had failed to leave behind it's sickening kiss. I held the stick loosely on my lips, letting it hang as I had seen the vacant eyed war veteren do at the bar everytime his eyes glazed over and a sickening memory from Vietnam crept over him. It was a look I was familiar with as I got the vacant stare when I became lost in my thoughts which where probably as grim and as sickening as the veterens memories. I rearanged my rear in the tight swingset seat and grimpped the rusted chain tightly feeling the damaged iron's grain's rub against my hands. Using my feet for momentum, I moved my body back and forward, keeping my feet planted firmly to the rocky ground.
Across the street, a woman walked past pushing a stroller and grinning despite the ugly day. I so wished to be able to feel something that could make me smile like that but the constant pain of my life has caused my skin and soul to become numb. Looking back on this memory, I think I remember seeing that same woman sometime later on the news as missing and even later after that when her body and that of her baby's was found in a nearby lake. I have a saying that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled off was convincing the world that he didn't exist, but he does exist in all humanity which is why I lost faith in them so long ago, eben though he probaly exist in me more then anyone else.
I looked up at the skie and sighed. It was one of those days when I didn't want to look at the sky because I knew it;s gray would cause me to sink into a depression deeper then the constant thoughts of corruption running through my head. I craved solitude, craved sin, craved the tranquility that came to me only after the rage. Maddening thoughts about what my life had been reduced to and my thoughts on those humans who had kicked me down so far, where flashing like a picture show through my skull. Asking the "why me" question and wondering what went wrong was useless to me now. The miniscule scarlet traces that enveloped a sight once rich with promise revealed the simple truth that the pain was engulfing me slowly. At times fits would start where consumables wouldn't go down or where later regressed in a purging manner. It was mostly self-induced. I just decided once while crippled under the pressure that I was sick. Sick in the head, sick of my pathetic life, sick for my lack of love. Sick of those who had to rip my soul from myself.
My eyes traced a glancing line across the ground and noticed a an old abandoned razorblade, the rust of the blade giving it a slight bloodstained appearance. Suicide was never an option in my mind, not that it was against any religious codes that I held for myself. It was more of a belief that suicide was the weakest refute to life's drudgeries. Then I would become one of the multitude of lost souls who had no voice beyond a meager last request. Besides, no one loved me and by killing myself it would mean I didn't love myself, then my existance would have meant less then it did already. No, after being left in a barren wasteland of hurt and deciet, death itself would not dwell within me. I tossed the cigerette and stodd up from the swing. A few painful steps later and a strong wind which before had been sheltered from me by a large tree aside the swing, hit me causing me to hug my stolen windbreaker closer to my bruised body which made me twinge in pain. I flicked the cigerette and began the journey down the road of staking out a place to sleep for the night, since my former gang had abandoned me, I would once again have to resort to a warm heater or an alley compared to the ratty house I had enjoyed for months and amongst us street kids was considered bliss.
They where so unlike my parents who had rejected me on sight and finally kicked me out when I was thirteen causing me to hate the world, my former gang atleast gave me a chance, they saw something in me and allowed me to be with them. Of course violence and manipulation would become my occupation for them but love which I had never felt before was worth it. I cared for each of them above myself , for they had taken a humble creature in and thus transformed me. They made me love them so. I was so naive. It was conditional love, I did what they wanted and they gave me affection, I knew this now. I rubbed a still bleeding wound on my arm and sighed at the memory. How could I have lived with myself for beating up an old woman and taking her money and for refusing this, they betrayed me, beat me and left me open for the world to hurt They hated me now and taunted me with words. This hate forced it's way into my body and now I had to transform again to survive. I now knew that caring was a luxury I couldn't afford and like love, I couldn't hope to attain.
The wind was beginning to take it's toll and my windbreaker was losing the good fight in keeping me warm. My eyes began to dart amongst the buildings, hoping a shop would pop into view so I could step inside and pretend to be a customer so I could bask in central heating but the first building to catch my eye was a large stone building, the ever so powerful cross ontop of it, a church. I suppresed a smirk at the idea of a god and prepared to step on but my need for warmth overshadowed by pride as another powerful gust swept past me and caused me to run inside of the masonry like a soldier in battle. The inside of the building was humble, unlike the opulent gold and glass pictures that I expected the inside of a church would look like but I preferred this over the richness I was exptecting. Being in a plac elike that would make me feel even more of a heathen then I was. I sat in one of the wooden pews and scanned for any eyes inside the building who might be watching me unfavorably but noticed it was empty. How could they trust keeping an unoccupied building unlocked?
Another smirk came to my face as I realised that this real estate could prove valuble for me when it came for a place to stay at night as I layed down on the pew, being sure to make a game of running my muddy boots along the carved wood of the pew. I took one last look around and closed me eyes, the last thing I saw was the statue of a man on a cross looking down at me sadly. That image prevented me from sleeping, I mean who can sleep with somone watching them, let alone Jesus. I sat up abrubtly and stare dthe atue down as if expecting it to blink before me and hung my head. I ran my fingers through my hair and felt a bleeding lump on my head which I had missed before and sighed. A flashback took me over of the preist who came to us when I lived at the Youth Center of course because of my gang, I was no longer accepted there. The preist talked to us about Jesus and God and Christianity and unconditional love. Love. That word struck me in my memory like a hammer.
I so longed to believe it was true to truly be loved unconditionally. I looked at the sad eyes of the statue and wondered if it all could be true and that he could love me. I remembered too what the priest had said about confessing my sins to him and being allowed this love but I arrogantly refused him but now for a strange reason I wished I hadn't. Maybe I could cut straight to the big man himself and I looked at the statue and I confessed, nothing ceremonously. I didn't expect anything and to me it was a game but maybe I could feel something, but normally logical mind overcome by a brief moment of desire. I professed my anger and anguish and soon found myself not even taslking of my midoings but reciting my life like an autobiography, the story of a little scamp no one cared for. I wiped a tear from my eye and looked up at the statue, expecting something, hoping for this rush of love or a light to descend upon me but the bleakness of the gray coming through the window made me sink deeper into depression. I was used to dissapointment.
I hung my head and shook it accusingly, taking one last look at the statue and deciding I could no longer remain in the building. I stood up from the wooden pew and traced my fingers along it's egdes, enjoying the rough and unpolished feel of it and walked back outside, the wind immediatly gripped me again as I clenched my teeth and hugged myself to fight it. I still wonder how things could have been differant if I hadn't been on that street at that time, but my last memories from this life where of the ratty Cadillac my old gang use to use coming down the street, stopping in front of me, the windows rolling down and a sound like thunder overtaking me, then pain, then nothing. I looked down at myself but couldn't find a trace of my existance. All I knew was that I was floating in an incredibly blinding light and for some reaosn i felt at peace. Then they came into focus, and instantly I knew, I was loved and would be loved. How foolish I was to forget that history repeats itself.
Chapter 1: New Life
A fallen angel sits outside the gates to paradise..
No one to turn to and no where to go..
A lonely life is all that's left..
Tears start to fall as the heart mourns..
He flies away into the dark night..
I snapped out of my memory with a jolt and opened my eyes. Most people have nightmares when they sleep but my own memories are nightmares. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and stretched, my wings tucked tightly against my back and hidden by my clothes shivered longing to streth themselves but they ahd to remain hidden. Yes, I have wings something a living person on this planet should never have, but I did now, many did now. We came here when us stars fell from the heavens. My name is Dante and I am a fallen angel. The gray sky was probaly the only thing the same about my first time on earth and my current one, before I was a normal human in a city but now all that remained of the city was ruin and the rest of the world was nothing but barren wasteland and now I had wings. During my time in heaven, the world had changed, wars, famines and the greed of man had brought on a premature apocolypse to the Earth, not that I cared, I was amongst the clouds feeling love for the first time.
God was my dearest friend, I did everything he asked I held him higher then I could any other person in return for the love I felt, shame good things don't last. The damage to the earth was permanent but my Lord still hoped man could redeem themselves, of course they where all dead so new man had to be created and so it was. I always felt that in God's eyes, I was the best of them all, he truly did feel like my father and maybe that is why I felt so betrayed when he told us all to bow before the new man. Why was this new man greater then me and deserving of this. I was here before him, he should have to bow to me besides the first comandment orders me to only worship God, and that is what I did. In the huddle of bowing Angels, i turned my back to the humans and continued to bow before my father. How was I to know others would follow me and try to overthrow God and for this, I was expeleld from heaven, forced to live eternity on earth with the very humans who in my eyes had lost me the only love I ever had....
(I have to get to bed, the rest of Chapter 1 will be up later.)
If empathy is no more than a token..
I cry a river in this pouring rain..
My heart sleeps, why won't it be woken..
My lack of caring is killing me..
Father father, this battle is fight is so far no one but myself..
Father father, this devil inside is my own now..
Father father, these tears I cry are for no one but myself..
Father father, I walk this road alone now..
The smoke from my cigerette danced it's way from the fiery amber end and twirled before my eyes in a taunting dance, making sure to remind me of the many times I had failed to leave behind it's sickening kiss. I held the stick loosely on my lips, letting it hang as I had seen the vacant eyed war veteren do at the bar everytime his eyes glazed over and a sickening memory from Vietnam crept over him. It was a look I was familiar with as I got the vacant stare when I became lost in my thoughts which where probably as grim and as sickening as the veterens memories. I rearanged my rear in the tight swingset seat and grimpped the rusted chain tightly feeling the damaged iron's grain's rub against my hands. Using my feet for momentum, I moved my body back and forward, keeping my feet planted firmly to the rocky ground.
Across the street, a woman walked past pushing a stroller and grinning despite the ugly day. I so wished to be able to feel something that could make me smile like that but the constant pain of my life has caused my skin and soul to become numb. Looking back on this memory, I think I remember seeing that same woman sometime later on the news as missing and even later after that when her body and that of her baby's was found in a nearby lake. I have a saying that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled off was convincing the world that he didn't exist, but he does exist in all humanity which is why I lost faith in them so long ago, eben though he probaly exist in me more then anyone else.
I looked up at the skie and sighed. It was one of those days when I didn't want to look at the sky because I knew it;s gray would cause me to sink into a depression deeper then the constant thoughts of corruption running through my head. I craved solitude, craved sin, craved the tranquility that came to me only after the rage. Maddening thoughts about what my life had been reduced to and my thoughts on those humans who had kicked me down so far, where flashing like a picture show through my skull. Asking the "why me" question and wondering what went wrong was useless to me now. The miniscule scarlet traces that enveloped a sight once rich with promise revealed the simple truth that the pain was engulfing me slowly. At times fits would start where consumables wouldn't go down or where later regressed in a purging manner. It was mostly self-induced. I just decided once while crippled under the pressure that I was sick. Sick in the head, sick of my pathetic life, sick for my lack of love. Sick of those who had to rip my soul from myself.
My eyes traced a glancing line across the ground and noticed a an old abandoned razorblade, the rust of the blade giving it a slight bloodstained appearance. Suicide was never an option in my mind, not that it was against any religious codes that I held for myself. It was more of a belief that suicide was the weakest refute to life's drudgeries. Then I would become one of the multitude of lost souls who had no voice beyond a meager last request. Besides, no one loved me and by killing myself it would mean I didn't love myself, then my existance would have meant less then it did already. No, after being left in a barren wasteland of hurt and deciet, death itself would not dwell within me. I tossed the cigerette and stodd up from the swing. A few painful steps later and a strong wind which before had been sheltered from me by a large tree aside the swing, hit me causing me to hug my stolen windbreaker closer to my bruised body which made me twinge in pain. I flicked the cigerette and began the journey down the road of staking out a place to sleep for the night, since my former gang had abandoned me, I would once again have to resort to a warm heater or an alley compared to the ratty house I had enjoyed for months and amongst us street kids was considered bliss.
They where so unlike my parents who had rejected me on sight and finally kicked me out when I was thirteen causing me to hate the world, my former gang atleast gave me a chance, they saw something in me and allowed me to be with them. Of course violence and manipulation would become my occupation for them but love which I had never felt before was worth it. I cared for each of them above myself , for they had taken a humble creature in and thus transformed me. They made me love them so. I was so naive. It was conditional love, I did what they wanted and they gave me affection, I knew this now. I rubbed a still bleeding wound on my arm and sighed at the memory. How could I have lived with myself for beating up an old woman and taking her money and for refusing this, they betrayed me, beat me and left me open for the world to hurt They hated me now and taunted me with words. This hate forced it's way into my body and now I had to transform again to survive. I now knew that caring was a luxury I couldn't afford and like love, I couldn't hope to attain.
The wind was beginning to take it's toll and my windbreaker was losing the good fight in keeping me warm. My eyes began to dart amongst the buildings, hoping a shop would pop into view so I could step inside and pretend to be a customer so I could bask in central heating but the first building to catch my eye was a large stone building, the ever so powerful cross ontop of it, a church. I suppresed a smirk at the idea of a god and prepared to step on but my need for warmth overshadowed by pride as another powerful gust swept past me and caused me to run inside of the masonry like a soldier in battle. The inside of the building was humble, unlike the opulent gold and glass pictures that I expected the inside of a church would look like but I preferred this over the richness I was exptecting. Being in a plac elike that would make me feel even more of a heathen then I was. I sat in one of the wooden pews and scanned for any eyes inside the building who might be watching me unfavorably but noticed it was empty. How could they trust keeping an unoccupied building unlocked?
Another smirk came to my face as I realised that this real estate could prove valuble for me when it came for a place to stay at night as I layed down on the pew, being sure to make a game of running my muddy boots along the carved wood of the pew. I took one last look around and closed me eyes, the last thing I saw was the statue of a man on a cross looking down at me sadly. That image prevented me from sleeping, I mean who can sleep with somone watching them, let alone Jesus. I sat up abrubtly and stare dthe atue down as if expecting it to blink before me and hung my head. I ran my fingers through my hair and felt a bleeding lump on my head which I had missed before and sighed. A flashback took me over of the preist who came to us when I lived at the Youth Center of course because of my gang, I was no longer accepted there. The preist talked to us about Jesus and God and Christianity and unconditional love. Love. That word struck me in my memory like a hammer.
I so longed to believe it was true to truly be loved unconditionally. I looked at the sad eyes of the statue and wondered if it all could be true and that he could love me. I remembered too what the priest had said about confessing my sins to him and being allowed this love but I arrogantly refused him but now for a strange reason I wished I hadn't. Maybe I could cut straight to the big man himself and I looked at the statue and I confessed, nothing ceremonously. I didn't expect anything and to me it was a game but maybe I could feel something, but normally logical mind overcome by a brief moment of desire. I professed my anger and anguish and soon found myself not even taslking of my midoings but reciting my life like an autobiography, the story of a little scamp no one cared for. I wiped a tear from my eye and looked up at the statue, expecting something, hoping for this rush of love or a light to descend upon me but the bleakness of the gray coming through the window made me sink deeper into depression. I was used to dissapointment.
I hung my head and shook it accusingly, taking one last look at the statue and deciding I could no longer remain in the building. I stood up from the wooden pew and traced my fingers along it's egdes, enjoying the rough and unpolished feel of it and walked back outside, the wind immediatly gripped me again as I clenched my teeth and hugged myself to fight it. I still wonder how things could have been differant if I hadn't been on that street at that time, but my last memories from this life where of the ratty Cadillac my old gang use to use coming down the street, stopping in front of me, the windows rolling down and a sound like thunder overtaking me, then pain, then nothing. I looked down at myself but couldn't find a trace of my existance. All I knew was that I was floating in an incredibly blinding light and for some reaosn i felt at peace. Then they came into focus, and instantly I knew, I was loved and would be loved. How foolish I was to forget that history repeats itself.
Chapter 1: New Life
A fallen angel sits outside the gates to paradise..
No one to turn to and no where to go..
A lonely life is all that's left..
Tears start to fall as the heart mourns..
He flies away into the dark night..
I snapped out of my memory with a jolt and opened my eyes. Most people have nightmares when they sleep but my own memories are nightmares. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and stretched, my wings tucked tightly against my back and hidden by my clothes shivered longing to streth themselves but they ahd to remain hidden. Yes, I have wings something a living person on this planet should never have, but I did now, many did now. We came here when us stars fell from the heavens. My name is Dante and I am a fallen angel. The gray sky was probaly the only thing the same about my first time on earth and my current one, before I was a normal human in a city but now all that remained of the city was ruin and the rest of the world was nothing but barren wasteland and now I had wings. During my time in heaven, the world had changed, wars, famines and the greed of man had brought on a premature apocolypse to the Earth, not that I cared, I was amongst the clouds feeling love for the first time.
God was my dearest friend, I did everything he asked I held him higher then I could any other person in return for the love I felt, shame good things don't last. The damage to the earth was permanent but my Lord still hoped man could redeem themselves, of course they where all dead so new man had to be created and so it was. I always felt that in God's eyes, I was the best of them all, he truly did feel like my father and maybe that is why I felt so betrayed when he told us all to bow before the new man. Why was this new man greater then me and deserving of this. I was here before him, he should have to bow to me besides the first comandment orders me to only worship God, and that is what I did. In the huddle of bowing Angels, i turned my back to the humans and continued to bow before my father. How was I to know others would follow me and try to overthrow God and for this, I was expeleld from heaven, forced to live eternity on earth with the very humans who in my eyes had lost me the only love I ever had....
(I have to get to bed, the rest of Chapter 1 will be up later.)
