Failure In Relationship?

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Do you ever feel like a "failure" in your relationship and that things will just never be right because you don't know what to do to fix the problems?











My bf and I have been having a lot of miscommunication lately. He has been working long days and with my work until late as well, we don't see each other very much. For me, this is completly devestating because I value our time together above everything. Him, on the other hand, is fine with how things are and it does not bother him that we rarely see each other. That's not the point that bothers me. What bothers me is that he doesn't seem to get it that it does bother me and it seems to me that he is being inconsiderate of my feelings about this.

Then there are my trust issues that I struggle to deal with nearly every day. I feel like I am doing better at trusting him, but I don't think that he sees it that way. Sometimes I get doubts in my mind and so I will ask him about his day more so then other times because I need to clear up assumptions in my head and it makes him upset. He gets upset because I don't always trust him. I understand that. Yet, I don't feel like he is being understanding of my feelings. He knows that I struggle with trusting because of my past and that trusting is not easy for me.

I also have been struggling with viewing TV shows. There are some shows that I absolutely will not watch because of the sex/nudity, etc...but it has gone too far now. I myself can't even view commercials that advertise women's products because they make me feel insecure about myself and who I am.

I feel like such a failure in my relationship. My bf doesn't think that I show him any support with his job (hence my other post in WD) and I feel like a failure because I can't just make myself trust probably one of the most trusting guys that there is.

I love him, but I don't want to be seen as a failure in my relationship when I struggle so hard to work on everything.

 

[ChildOfGod20]

i'm so sorry starling. i don't know what to say bc i don't really have trust issues. i used to have tiny trust problems when i wasn't sure if we were meant to be together forever. but now that i know we are, they have gone away bc i know that he wouldn't mess up God's plan. i do have one suggestion though. THROW YOUR TV AWAY. honestly. if it is making you insecure, get rid of it. it was making me insecure too so i don't watch anything other than the news and documentaries and stuff like that. and i don't read magazines with celebrities in them anymore. i know it sounds extreme but if even the commercials are making you insecure then get rid of it. there's no need to feel so down. your boyfriend is with YOU because he likes YOU. and even if you were ugly, which you aren't bc i've seen ur pictures, your boyfriend would still think you were the most beautiful girl bc he is in love with YOU.

 

[ByLoveAndGrace]

Agreed on the TV issue. I hate the commercials. They are indeed able to make women insecure. My advice would be to stop watching the channels you are, OR, this is what my family did, they got one of those DVR cable systems, where you can fast forward through commercials, and rewind tv shows etc. So we can fast forward through bad scenes in shows, or through all the commercials etc. It's so convenient, and then you don't have to watch the stupid things. hehe.

 

[SoC]

Or... get rid of the TV. That works too.

*didn't read all of the posts or read them fully, just the one above this one*

 

[Leanna]

Well I have a biased point of view, but it seems to me that your boyfriend is part of the problem. I have never dated a guy who chided me on my insecurities. Guys can make you feel special, amazing, one of a kind.... and then you are more secure about yourself. Or they can blab on and on about trust and see how far they can push you. Your boyfriend appears to be the second kind. I would just break up with him and wait for a guy who makes you feel like one of a kind. My husband does that for me.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Well, I feel like throwing the TV away would make me less insecure...but that is not the way to go. The more that I try to eliminate the things in my life that make me insecure, the more problems that I have. I want to find to get things back in my life and be able to ignore these things like I used to.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Well I have a biased point of view, but it seems to me that your boyfriend is part of the problem. I have never dated a guy who chided me on my insecurities. Guys can make you feel special, amazing, one of a kind.... and then you are more secure about yourself. Or they can blab on and on about trust and see how far they can push you. Your boyfriend appears to be the second kind. I would just break up with him and wait for a guy who makes you feel like one of a kind. My husband does that for me.

Yes, but when it affects him, then I can't expect him to always be ok with it. It makes him feel unrespected and unloved....and under those circumstances he gets upset at times.

 

[ByLoveAndGrace]

If you don't mind my asking... has he ever given you reason not to trust him?

 

[Mskedi]

Relationships go through cycles of respect. Just keep the communication open and see how things go. Instead of focusing on giving him some space, you could find something to do that you enjoy but he doesn't now that you have more free time.

It works for me, anyway. If I'm waiting around for my boyfriend, I'm bitter, but if I'm off doing something fun while he's off doing something else, we're both happy.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

If you don't mind my asking... has he ever given you reason not to trust him?

No. My mind says that I do because he used to have a problem with looking at women. At least I thought so. Other than that, no. He has never done anything to break my trust.

I had a bad past, and trusting is very difficult for me as a result.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Relationships go through cycles of respect. Just keep the communication open and see how things go. Instead of focusing on giving him some space, you could find something to do that you enjoy but he doesn't now that you have more free time.

It works for me, anyway. If I'm waiting around for my boyfriend, I'm bitter, but if I'm off doing something fun while he's off doing something else, we're both happy.

Well, sometimes I get bored, but because of the hours that I work, it's just mostly about us not being able to spend much time together. He is simply ok with it and I am not because I value time together more than he does.

 

[~Nikki~]

No. My mind says that I do because he used to have a problem with looking at women. At least I thought so. Other than that, no. He has never done anything to break my trust.

I had a bad past, and trusting is very difficult for me as a result.

I know, it's very easy for your bf (or in my case my hubby) to get tarred with the same brush as everyone else. For me I used to know a lot of unsavoury characters, and even some of the behaviour I witnessed by Christian guys left me thinking that no one was worth trusting. And then I met my husband. And tarred him with the same *untrustable* brush. Fortunately he loved me enough to marry me anyway and we've been working on all this stuff, because quite honestly he is the most trustable guy in the world, and treats me like, well, wonderfully. So I've learnt to trust him, but also I've made a *choice* to trust him. He's never given me any reason not to, so I had to decide that I would choose to trust. And since then things have gotten a lot easier. And I *do* trust him comletely. He's wonderful.

I think I kind of decided that the thoughts and insecurities I was having were not from God, and that God wanted me to be whole, and also not to wreck my husband through no fault of his own, but purely through my mistrust...and I decided to put into action the *love* chapter in 1 Corinthians...it says that love always hopes, doesn't seek its own, does not act unbecomingly, is not provoked, is not jealous, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things etc... So I decided that if I wasn't doing these things then I really wasn't loving my dh as the Bible says I should love him. So I prayed and asked for God's help and then made the choice to love instead of doubt. It's taken a while because my brain's been programmed through past experience and what I've seen around me...but my mindset has changed dramatically. I also decided to do what it says in Philippians (and it does take some self control and help from God), that instead of dwelling on bad thoughts, when the thoughts came I'd decide to think of good, praiseworthy and excellent things instead. Again it's a choice. You don't *have* to think bad things. You can put the thoughts out of your head and think good things instead, and after a while it becomes more natural, and the bad thoughts lose their power to torment.

God bless...

 

[~Nikki~]

Well, sometimes I get bored, but because of the hours that I work, it's just mostly about us not being able to spend much time together. He is simply ok with it and I am not because I value time together more than he does.

I honestly don't think he doesn't value time together with you...

men are different from girls. They handle things differently. They are generally able to file stuff away for later. Like once when I was stewing over something a guy from my church said to me, "but can't you just take it out of your brain and file it for later..."

What??? I'm a girl, I can't do that. I need to stew on it til it's resolved, lol. But if he didn't want to think about something he didn't.

My husband is much the same in the sense that if something stops us from seeing each other, or if he had to go away on business he wouldn't like it and he'd miss me, but that wouldn't stop him from going because he'd see that he had no choice in the matter. He has to provide for us so he does what is necessary. Doesn't mean he won't miss me, but he's probably able to file that emotion away for later so that it doesn't interfere with his work. It's not that I'm second place - he just doesn't have a choice. He has to work.

I'm willing to bet it's the same with your bf. He does what he has to do. It's just that he's a guy and thinks logically about these things...as in, well it can't be helped - just have to get on with it. Whereas we tend to think with our feelings a bit more. Our actions are often ruled by feelings where guys generally think logically, often being able to leave feelings to one side until the logical stuff is out of the way. It's just the difference between *most* guys and *most* girls...

BUT...one thing I will say is that when we're insecure and demand that they phone us etc etc, or demand that they give things up in order to appease our feelings, all it does is feed our insecurities, teach us how to manipulate to get our own way, and puts them off us. When my hubby phones me between meetings it's because he wants to and because I haven't railroaded him into it...he feels free and because of that he *wants* to phone to tell me he misses me etc. But if I tried to demand, then to him it feels like I'm forcing him and it has the opposite effect to the one I wanted. Not saying that you do this...just saying to be careful that you don't let hurt feelings dictate the way you relate to your bf. Yes he does need to understand your feelings, but it's not a one way street - you also need to understand his.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I know, it's very easy for your bf (or in my case my hubby) to get tarred with the same brush as everyone else. For me I used to know a lot of unsavoury characters, and even some of the behaviour I witnessed by Christian guys left me thinking that no one was worth trusting. And then I met my husband. And tarred him with the same *untrustable* brush. Fortunately he loved me enough to marry me anyway and we've been working on all this stuff, because quite honestly he is the most trustable guy in the world, and treats me like, well, wonderfully. So I've learnt to trust him, but also I've made a *choice* to trust him. He's never given me any reason not to, so I had to decide that I would choose to trust. And since then things have gotten a lot easier. And I *do* trust him comletely. He's wonderful.

I think I kind of decided that the thoughts and insecurities I was having were not from God, and that God wanted me to be whole, and also not to wreck my husband through no fault of his own, but purely through my mistrust...and I decided to put into action the *love* chapter in 1 Corinthians...it says that love always hopes, doesn't seek its own, does not act unbecomingly, is not provoked, is not jealous, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things etc... So I decided that if I wasn't doing these things then I really wasn't loving my dh as the Bible says I should love him. So I prayed and asked for God's help and then made the choice to love instead of doubt. It's taken a while because my brain's been programmed through past experience and what I've seen around me...but my mindset has changed dramatically. I also decided to do what it says in Philippians (and it does take some self control and help from God), that instead of dwelling on bad thoughts, when the thoughts came I'd decide to think of good, praiseworthy and excellent things instead. Again it's a choice. You don't *have* to think bad things. You can put the thoughts out of your head and think good things instead, and after a while it becomes more natural, and the bad thoughts lose their power to torment.

God bless...

Yes, trust is a choice. That is what my bf tells me. He chooses to trust me. He wants me to choose to trust him.

And we have a difference here too. Your husband married you despite your issues. We aren't moving forward in the relationship because he wants me to trust him first. I understand where he is coming from, but trusting him doesn't come easy.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I honestly don't think he doesn't value time together with you...

men are different from girls. They handle things differently. They are generally able to file stuff away for later. Like once when I was stewing over something a guy from my church said to me, "but can't you just take it out of your brain and file it for later..."

What??? I'm a girl, I can't do that. I need to stew on it til it's resolved, lol. But if he didn't want to think about something he didn't.

My husband is much the same in the sense that if something stops us from seeing each other, or if he had to go away on business he wouldn't like it and he'd miss me, but that wouldn't stop him from going because he'd see that he had no choice in the matter. He has to provide for us so he does what is necessary. Doesn't mean he won't miss me, but he's probably able to file that emotion away for later so that it doesn't interfere with his work. It's not that I'm second place - he just doesn't have a choice. He has to work.

I'm willing to bet it's the same with your bf. He does what he has to do. It's just that he's a guy and thinks logically about these things...as in, well it can't be helped - just have to get on with it. Whereas we tend to think with our feelings a bit more. Our actions are often ruled by feelings where guys generally think logically, often being able to leave feelings to one side until the logical stuff is out of the way. It's just the difference between *most* guys and *most* girls...

BUT...one thing I will say is that when we're insecure and demand that they phone us etc etc, or demand that they give things up in order to appease our feelings, all it does is feed our insecurities, teach us how to manipulate to get our own way, and puts them off us. When my hubby phones me between meetings it's because he wants to and because I haven't railroaded him into it...he feels free and because of that he *wants* to phone to tell me he misses me etc. But if I tried to demand, then to him it feels like I'm forcing him and it has the opposite effect to the one I wanted. Not saying that you do this...just saying to be careful that you don't let hurt feelings dictate the way you relate to your bf. Yes he does need to understand your feelings, but it's not a one way street - you also need to understand his.

You're so right about the logical part! That makes so much sense and I've seen it. You put it so well. He does know that when he has to do something...he just does it.

Thanks for the good advice

 

[~Nikki~]

Yes, trust is a choice. That is what my bf tells me. He chooses to trust me. He wants me to choose to trust him.

And we have a difference here too. Your husband married you despite your issues. We aren't moving forward in the relationship because he wants me to trust him first. I understand where he is coming from, but trusting him doesn't come easy.

Yes I am very blessed in that regard.

And I was also willing to marry him despite the things he struggles with. Neither hubby nor I were issue free, so we both decided together that our philosophy would be "healing at any cost" and that we'd help each other become whole, that we'd never turn away from any issue no matter how painful, but we'd both be there for each other to help each other through the pain and hurt and come out the other side a changed person. But we determined all that before we got married...that with God's help we'd never quit until we were whole...and each of us knew that the other one meant it 150%...we knew that we weren't just saying it to make the other one think everything would be rosy...we knew without a doubt that we would never give up - for one, because we saw the damage that each of us had had done to us, and didn't want to wreck our relationship with each other, so we did it because we want a healthy and godly relationship. Also, we didn't want to pass our screwed-up-ness onto our kids, so we needed to work on that in order to give our kids a fighting chance of being ok, and also we believe that God wants to heal us of these things (though we have to do our part in forgiving, not bearing grudges, changing our mindset etc) so that we can function effectively for Him and His glory...so having reasons to work on things really helped us, and both of us having common goals as to why we wanted to change actually helped us to understand and encourage each other, and be the strong one for each other when one of us is weak...

I suppose though, that the decision to get married might have been different had one or both of us decided that change was too painful and that we'd just stay the way we were...
Not that I married him in order to change him, and not that he married me hoping to change me. It's just that we knew that each of us was determined in our own minds to take responsibility for our own behaviour and thought patterns and that we would just help each other when needed...

 

[Mr.Cheese]

At least you recognize your baggage. You're young trust and security are hard enough to develop without having been hurt.

Sometimes being in a relationship when we don't have ourselves sorted out only makes the sorting that much harder.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Yes I am very blessed in that regard.

And I was also willing to marry him despite the things he struggles with. Neither hubby nor I were issue free, so we both decided together that our philosophy would be "healing at any cost" and that we'd help each other become whole, that we'd never turn away from any issue no matter how painful, but we'd both be there for each other to help each other through the pain and hurt and come out the other side a changed person. But we determined all that before we got married...that with God's help we'd never quit until we were whole...and each of us knew that the other one meant it 150%...we knew that we weren't just saying it to make the other one think everything would be rosy...we knew without a doubt that we would never give up - for one, because we saw the damage that each of us had had done to us, and didn't want to wreck our relationship with each other, so we did it because we want a healthy and godly relationship. Also, we didn't want to pass our screwed-up-ness onto our kids, so we needed to work on that in order to give our kids a fighting chance of being ok, and also we believe that God wants to heal us of these things (though we have to do our part in forgiving, not bearing grudges, changing our mindset etc) so that we can function effectively for Him and His glory...so having reasons to work on things really helped us, and both of us having common goals as to why we wanted to change actually helped us to understand and encourage each other, and be the strong one for each other when one of us is weak...

I suppose though, that the decision to get married might have been different had one or both of us decided that change was too painful and that we'd just stay the way we were...
Not that I married him in order to change him, and not that he married me hoping to change me. It's just that we knew that each of us was determined in our own minds to take responsibility for our own behaviour and thought patterns and that we would just help each other when needed...

Since you had these issues, were either of you a bit fearful, doubtful or anxious about the thought of getting married? Were there any worries?

 

[~Nikki~]

Since you had these issues, were either of you a bit fearful, doubtful or anxious about the thought of getting married? Were there any worries?

In regards to the issues we had, we didn't have any doubts about getting married...

(Edit to add: Doh! I just remembered - there was one time after I mentioned something, that he was a bit freaked out and did question to himself...
And there was a time when I thought I wanted to give up on myself (when I truly realised how much I had to work on) and that it'd be much easier to carry on as I always had been because I didn't want to face myself...but I'm pretty resilient and after a slight self doubt tizzy I was up to the challenge again...)

I guess I saw enough of his character and complete honesty with me even if it killed him, that I knew that he'd never stop working on things...and vice versa...he saw enough of my struggles and willingness to change that he knew I wouldn't give up.

And I'm not saying that we struggle all the time, but in retrospect I think it was pretty tough to start with (ok, it was a nightmare). I mean, if you'd asked me then whether it was tough or not I would have said no it's just normal, but looking back I can say that our marriage is already *totally* different to what it was, and so much better (like 100000 times better already) that I sometimes wonder how he survived me back then, and in retrospect I'd say we've climbed mountains together.

I guess because we didn't meet til I was 29, I'd gone along for years travelling to different places, making friends with people all around the world, and had been very independent, that I never really realised how disfunctional I was until I met my dh. There's something about a close relationship that brings you face to face with yourself and it really hurts. You suddenly see that you've been cruising through life ignoring everything that hurts, and that now you have a chance to face things and work through them together, or you shy away from the challenge and go back to being the way that you were with no change but no husband either...

My dh and I were right for each other in every respect, and we realised that we'd lose each other if we weren't willing to make changes that would be painful at first but worth it in the end. Again, not because I demanded that *he* change, but because I saw the need in myself, and I guess I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and when I truly realised I was a mess, I was determined to sort it out.

And my dh didn't demand that *I* change, but he demanded change of *himself*...

I think if we'd demanded each other to do the changing, then it wouldn't have worked, but because we were both willing to face up to our own difficulties, we knew we'd be ok.

So back to your original question...
He was and is perfect for me in every way, and I wasn't about to lose him over a some issues in himself which he already recognised and was working on...

And for some reason, he reckons that I'm perfect for him in every way, and he wasn't about to let me go over the things that he'd seen me work on, and knew I would continue to work on.

I guess as well, that each of us saw more faults in ourselves than in each other...

Maybe for us because we didn't meet until our laaaaate twenties, we'd already seen enough in terms of other people's relationships, as well as having started to confront our own issues that for us we knew what was workable and what wasn't...I guess we knew it'd be tough, but with our willingness to change, and with God's help we'd both be whole. And yep it has been tough, but so worth it.

Ok I think I've rambled enough for a while...but feel free to keep questioning if you need to...