Failed marriages

[Windmill]

Hi there all

I am just starting out in life- I'm young, I'm free, and the world is mine to make of it what I will.

I am expected by those around me to some day get married.

But it seems every relationship I read about like on here on CF gets horrendously stagnent or ends in a divorce.

It is discouraging to see the only happy couples are the ones freshly divorced and rewed.

I am wondering, are there more happy marriages that I don't see? Can marriage be successful? Or shall I spend my life celibate and never marry?

 

[dayknee]

Im sure there are happy marriages everywhere. There are quite a bit here as well. In this particular section of CF there are areas for those who are struggling in their marriage or are divorced. CF makes up a very small percentage of unhappy marriages on this forum.
It shouldn't be anything that you should feel worried about in regards to your own future happiness. It should serve as information for you to maybe even strive or work harder in your marriage (when you get married).
Alot of the things that happen are not always things that are controlable in peoples lives. People only know how to try to make the best of things and do so based on advice,help, counseling or the bible. Maybe it just goes to show others that there are devestating things that happen in a marriage that are beyond someones control.
And sure there are those who might be happier being divorced, but you have to know what their marriage was like to really understand that.
Dont' worry about your future or any future relationship. People are more often lucky in their marriages then not. You are just seeing and reading about the "not".

 

[searle29678]

A lot of times, people only really talk about their problems and they don't celebrate the good in their relationships. I will say that mine has been troubled and there have been times when I wanted to leave...but I stuck it out.
There are a lot of marriages that seemingly can't be saved for one reason or another, but there are many many many marriages out there that can rise above the troubles and end up being great. You just have to have TWO people that really want to try.

 

[jelvenko]

I can see why you would say this. And I agree. It does seem like a lot of the married people on here just complain all the time. I know I have done my fair share. (Mostly in the In-Law thread...) But at the same time I try to brag about my husband as much as I can. There are some threads for people to brag about how wonderful their spouse is. I try to post in those as well.

From what I have seen, and it's not just on here, people feel that they can hide behind the internet. Some of the things that are posted here, I don't think some of these people would go out and announce to their neighborhood. But they feel comfortable enough to complain to a bunch of strangers (which basically is what is happening). Yet if you were to meet this same person out on the street they would tell you how wonderful their marriage is. Simply because on internet you don't physically know the person, and the chances of meeting them are very slim. So they feel that what they say won't come back and haunt them. Or that it can't be used against them at all.

So even though it may seem that there is a lot of complaining about marriages on here, there is also a lot of good and happy marriages that are the first marriage. My husband and I are proof of this. BUT, you need to realize that marriage isn't always a bed of roses. Even though we are happy with each other we still have our moments when we just need to step back, and take a breather. Usually one of us will go into the other room, or will go outside, or to the store when it gets to that point. Usually in an hour or so though we have calmed down and talked things out like rational adults.

When you do find the man you want to marry, make sure to work on communication BEFORE the wedding. It will make things a little easier AFTER you get married.

 

[Stephen Kendall]

Explore your faith in God and Christ. Establish it with the understanding that comes from real effort and need. It is hard to need faith when you are so young. The world looks more interesting than faith, but your faith that you should find is a shelter and source of refuge from that big careless world out there. Your faith is also a drive for marriage purity and strength. When you find your faith and thirst for righteousness, the Lord's will, then you are ready to find your match. If you fall in love with the Spirit of God and want to be a missionary, you will pray and look for the man out there who also is with you along side your journey.

Why go to the extreme, missionary work? Is it extreme? If God' Spirit fills you in a church or helping hands to others, then that is your place for now. The thing is that people fall in love with a corrupt big beautiful world out there and yet haven't really found the Will of God in their lives. They call themselves Christians, as though their body of faith will be fulfilled without a spirit of zeal for God (seeking righteousness and His will; finding peace, love and fulfillment).

What you are looking for is dimly lit in a church, but glows brightly with your personal desire and will to form a relationship with the Father through Christ. The church of fellowship is wonderful to share and strengthen each other, but its limitations and improper will (lack of zeal for God) hold you back. Use the church for your growth, but you must work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, a love for God. By the way, in your marriage, it is best to have some fear and trembling for purity sake and deep love for your husband.

I don't know if I helped you, but spiritual growth will make you strong for him; and to be able to find him. If you are honest with God, then you will be able to find a man who is also honest. That is critical in a marriage. Love will overcome lust in a good marriage. What does that mean? Our bodies are designed to be flowing with hormones, but our spiritual nature with God's will is flowing with love. Both are purposeful for marriage, but love will exceed where hormones can not. Love your husband and give to him yourself, beyond the domain of hormones. Marriage is about the feelings of love 24/7 and not the moments of hormones (24 minutes to 70). By the way, controlling computer usage is important. We must discipline ourselves and find time for each other, our churches and our relationship with God.

May God be with you young woman and help and bless you all the days of your life.

 

[snoochface]

Yeah this is like going to an AA meeting and feeling discouraged because it seems like everyone in the world becomes an alcoholic.

There are plenty of people here who have wonderful, happy, long-standing marriages. You'll see them giving advice sometimes to the people who are struggling, but this forum isn't really conducive to many threads and discussions along the lines of, "I'm so happy! Are you happy too??" -- you know what I mean?

Plus, a lot of times people don't want to flaunt their happy marriages here when they know there are a lot of struggling people. It would seem boasting and sometimes cruel.

So don't be fooled by what you see here, there are plenty of healthy and sound marriages out there. You just need to find a better environment for an equal sampling. Maybe check out your women's ministry at your church.

 

[James 1:27]

My husband and I have been married for 26 years. Most of our years have been happy ones, some of them challenging ones. However, we are now living the fruit of not giving up. We are now unified with each other and God. If we had given up during the trials a few years back, we would have missed out on the blessings we are experiencing now. My advice? Make sure you marry someone who loves God with all their heart and loves you just the way you are and decide together to never give up on your marriage. Don't fear getting married, but don't rush it either. Pray for God to send the person for you to marry. Pray, pray, pray!!

Blessings.

 

[Ryanswife]

Many people go into marriage with the "well if it doesn't work out then there is always divorce" mentality and at the first sign of trouble they bail out. Marriage is hard and if you are willing to work at it, it can be very happy and rewarding. There are many happy marriages, but I assure you they have had there not so happy moments, but the thing is when the not so happy moments come around and you both commit to get through them then your marriage will usually come out stronger. Of course, there are many different circumstances and that does not always apply to every situation.

 

[razzelflabben]

Hi there all

I am just starting out in life- I'm young, I'm free, and the world is mine to make of it what I will.

I am expected by those around me to some day get married.

But it seems every relationship I read about like on here on CF gets horrendously stagnent or ends in a divorce.

It is discouraging to see the only happy couples are the ones freshly divorced and rewed.

I am wondering, are there more happy marriages that I don't see? Can marriage be successful? Or shall I spend my life celibate and never marry?

My husband and I have been married 21 years and are happy. Does that count?

Here is what I can tell you about the secret. 1. God, it takes a Godly marriage (at least one based on biblical principles 2. the husband has to love the wife, truly love her (see biblical love) 3. the wife has to accept that love (see biblical submission) 4. perseverance, don't give up, all relationaships have moment in time that all seems lost, ours did to. But we persevered through it, taking our covenant with one another seriously and the end result is a love stronger than what we started with.

Hope that helps.

 

[Ryanswife]

At one time my own marriage was seemingly a lost cause...now it is a wonderful marriage and all I have prayed for, for a very long time.

 

[LoisGriffin]

Many people go into marriage with the "well if it doesn't work out then there is always divorce" mentality and at the first sign of trouble they bail out.

Maybe I just don't know the right people but I don't know anyone who has gone into marriage with that attitude. I do agree that some give up way too soon though and some get married for the wrong reasons.

 

[Ryanswife]

I have heard that very expression from friends several times. Of course, they were quite young and they are obviously divorced now.

 

[LoisGriffin]

Thats just depressing to know that people would make a serious commitment like marriage and be looking for a way out before they even start.

 

[Ryanswife]

Divorce is so rampant and people have become so desensitized that they aren't making a serious commitment...they don't even know the meaning of the words.

 

[Windmill]

Thanks guys This has been encouraging.

 

[No-L]

I am not going to come in here saying my marriage has been bliss from day one, nor will I tell you that it has been horrible from the start but, what I will tell you is this...
It has defenitly been worth it!!!! When and if you get married, don't ever give up, keep dating and you will be happy overall.

 

[katautumn]

Windmill, please don't be discouraged. You're still young and have plenty of time to worry about marriage. Don't abandon the possibility due to the poor choices or hardship of others. Yes, my first marriage ended in divorce. I married young and I married a guy who ended up becoming abusive. It happens, but I was too young and too inexperienced to see the early warning signs while we were dating.

Marriage ranks right on up there with parenting - it's probably the hardest job in the world. The reason why so many marriages fail is because many people assume that if a person feels like they're "the one", the relationship will just fall into place. They give up and expect the relationship to run on auto-pilot. It doesn't work that way. It's not a 50/50. It's 100/100. It's about giving and expecting nothing in return. It's about being yourself and completely vulnerable. It's about being able to be there for them when they're sick or they've lost a loved one. It's about never holding grudges. It's about being with someone who will never expect you to compromise on the big stuff, but you're willing to compromise on the small stuff.

 

[Antje]

I consider myself to have a happy marriage! Sure, it's only been 3 years, but I anticipate many future years of happiness because we have a really solid foundation of trust and commitment to the relationship. It's not perfect, and possibly never will be, but overall marriage has been an overwhelmingly positive experience for us.

 

[captiveheart]

My wife picked up her wedding ring yesterday after having it resized and attached to the engagement ring. November 8th was our 11th wedding anniversary and the last few months have been the toughest.

I thought it was rather symbolic of where we are today in our relationship though. She said she thought it was shinier than it was when I gave it to her. The two rings for years have slid against each other all of these years and now are bound tightly together. And the ring fits well now where it tended to bind, cause irritation and pressure before.

I never expected to go through what we went through recently but I think we have passed through the toughest of it and are actually stronger now for having been through it.

Don't expect a relationship to be easy and keep your personal relationship with God tight.

 

[hsmommyofmany]

oh honey, i hate to burst your bubble...but marriage is not a fairy tale and unfortunately most people go into it with the attitude that it is going to be everything the dreamed. when they realize it is alot of hard work, alot of people give up.

i think if you have the right attitude and get married for the right reasons then YES you can be successful. marriage is a contract, both parties have to decide they want to commit to that. the passion fades after a while and then you just have to learn to retool adn rework things.

my husband and i have our fair share of problems, some of them serious but i take my marriage vows seriously and believe that God has put us together for life. we do what we can to make it work.

there are times where i certainly feel like it would be so much easier to just leave but i do not think that is what God wants. i think people who get married based on their emotions of being "in love" soon realize that that passion does not last for long. love is a choice...it takes work.

dont give up...just because you hear all the negatives does not mean there are not as many positives. as with everything, people are much more likely to complain about negative things than to praise the positive.

the best advice is dont rush in to anything, listen to God, keep your purity, be prepared from the beginning that there will be challenges with the person you marry...no matter how PERFECT they see at first...you will be challenged.

do not be discouraged. God has a plan for you...perhaps that is to stay single...perhaps not...but sont give up on it just yet.