First, it is important for the children's sake that you and your husband quit fighting when and where they hear it. Since they go to school and your husband's hours are not regular, you at least have some times when it is just the two of you in the house. That is a better time to discuss it. Also, what is probably happening is you are going in to a discussion right after what you disagree with has happened and you are hot under the collar to start with and he's probably still running on emotions too so it turns into a fight that doesn't fix anything, it's better to wait until you are both cooled down before discussing it. And that's what it needs to be is a discussion and not a fight.
There is another thing that happens if you go after your husband right after he does it. It comes across as if you are the parent and he is the child and you are going to discipline him. Even when they would normally agree, most men will push back if they feel they are being disciplined by their wife. If he does something and you are right there saying don't do that, bad boy, bad boy. Well the whole thing becomes ego and who's in control here and nothing tends to get resolved because giving in becomes to him a who't the boss here type of thing and that means he digs in and defends his position even if it's not defensible.
Your finances really probably aren't that bad but you have to get away from the idea that whatever came in can be spent right away. When people's incomes are not steady, that means that you have to get some saved up, so when he gets some good weeks, there needs to be money set aside for the not so good weeks. Certainly, until that time, you need to adjust your living, whether that is getting rid of some luxuries or just not buy things you don't really really need, until you get some money built up you need to live like each week there isn't much available to spend.
See, unless you change your spending habits, it won't even fix things if you work because you will still spend everything. There is no amount you can earn that can't be easily spent, you must become a saver to get the security you want. Spend less than you make and you will become rich, spend what you make or more than you make and you will always be poor or one day away from poor.
There is still the option of you working, I would be pretty sure that in your area there are car dealers that will take weekly payments and you can even pay the insurance as you go. Neither option is the cheapest way to go, but you are the one saying you don't have many options. Anyway, you would need to be in the situation where you have employment that will bring in more than the payments, insurance and operating and you get a low priced auto and you go to work. The auto probably won't look like much, rusted out ones or one that has cosmetic collision damage are probably you best choice at this point. But anyway you buy a low priced auto, really should be less than $1000 and you go to work. You pay it off quickly, and then you start really sticking your earnings into savings to give you the cushion you need to smooth out the bumps. You say you can't afford payments but you projected $150 a week over your costs if you worked, you can find a car that would be significantly less than that, trust me.
Another option would be to have a rummage sale or sell things you don't really need in order to get the car. That would avoid having to put full coverage on an old car and would make it much easier to find a suitable private sale car.
You could even buy a car with you credit cards, but I fear that part of those bills that you have to pay all the time are already credit card payments, maybe they aren't, maybe you have done the right thing and resisted the credit cards to smooth out the bumps and then not paid them back but left the balances until "things are better." But it would be really typical if you already have balances and so can't use them for a car.
You know, even those people that have jobs that pay the same every week but spend everything don't have the security that you desire. They could walk into work tomorrow and be told that they aren't working there anymore. The only real security is to have enough to get by at least for a reasonable period of time. See I'm not to sure if you really desire it, because you told me you have cell phones and cable tv and such. So what you are really saying is it is more important to you to have cable tv than the lack of security that you blame on your husband's job, but really probably doesn't have much to do with his job. If he was earning more, and you were still spending it, you wouldn't have security, just it would eliminate those uncomfortable times where you couldn't continue to spend your security.
You both need some real help in learning how to "fight" I'm afraid it is all who is right and who is in charge and ends up having very little to do with issues and since giving up is impossible in a power struggle, issues do not get settled or solved, just the lines get drawn and the battle starts. You really must make it about issues and the issue needs to be spelled out, and it must be where both of you try to solve the issue to both's satifaction. It's really something that is very easily worked on in couple's counseling, but quite difficult talking like this to just one. I know money is an issue, and you are probably earning plenty to not be eligible for most free or reduced fee counselors so it would be a question of if your church has a program or a pastor that can help you. Or maybe an elder that helps couples such as yourself. It is relatively easy in person, because the two of you start a discussion and when it gets off track, the counselor can step in right then and stop it and say this is what you did wrong and why you shouldn't do it. And after the two of you understand things then it is simply a matter of working at it and forgiving each other slips and falls and it really can and often does change very rapidly.
Now on to the disciplining a bit. What do you do to discipline? I was wondering if you actually do require your kids to listen to you when you tell them to do something or not to do something. And by listening, I mean listening the first time, not after repeated "requests" that finally get you serious enough to actually do discipline or punishment.
See multiple requests are going to build up pressure in your husband, he was expected to obey as a child and he expects your chidren to obey as well, he is correct in that, even if his style of discipline is not the best.
See if your kids don't do what you say the first time. Then your husband is going to continue, because when he steps in they stop don't they?
Right now your husband is right that your disciplinary system is not working and you are right that his system is unnecessarily harsh. See he is thinking the strong words are necessary because that is what works, but the words really don't need to be so harsh, what needs to be known by the children is that the words must be obeyed.
This is kind of a classic thing, you, their mother are concerned about their feelings and so you don't really discipline them you beg and ask them to please listen. As selfish children, they will do basically what they want to until they either get tired of the game, or realize that they have pushed things so far that they are indeed in danger of discipline.
Your husband has other priorities, he is not concerned with hurting their feelings, they know if they don't listen to him right away, they are in danger of discipline so they do what he says. But I am guessing that often the punishment comes along with the first time your husband says something. He is really kind of honoring the fact that your requests to the children "count" but I doubt that you see it that way. See this a bit of a guess but you are seeing the punishment as severe because you see it as if the infraction that results in the punishment is some stand alone offense, and I'm guessing if I got in your husband's mind, he sees it as a pattern of continuing disobeying and I would guess that the big punishments often come when you have told the kids at least a couple of times to do something and then he steps in and dishes out the punishment. At this point, the kids as far as your husband is concerned are basically "hardened criminals" with repeated offenses and the punishment is getting ratcheted up.
I would suggest that the best solution is to take control back from the kids. To do this, you set up a set of chores for each child, and a set of basic rules. Along with this there is going to be a set of punishments set when you and your husband are not mad and there should be some rewards for faithful obedience as well. Here is the thing that seems almost counterintuitive, the punishments and rewards don't need to be large, only punishment needs to be consistent and larger than the rewards obtained by disobedience. Rewards also don't need to be large, matter of fact, small is better because if large, it gets to costing too much so the rewards aren't given. And the rewards do not need to be financial at all, it could be taking the time to play a game the child likes or going to the park or almost anything. You need to come up with the punishments and rewards and it should be both you and your husband, set it up, but even if he doesn't want to participate, you can control your children so it will work as long as you have the backbone to follow through.
This will stop a lot of the continuous conflicts because it will be there in black and while and they have only themselves to blame, and don't nag them, you can remind them a couple of times but it shouldn't be like you order them, because that's what the rules are doing, so you don't want it to be, we follow the rules and do our work when mom ( and dad) tells us to. Another important thing is that at least some things need to rely on them all doing their part. If one screws up they all suffer in some way, by this you get the children to help you control the children. And it has the benefit of making them much closer than they would be as a bunch of individuals competing for your time and resources.
Anyway another thing that you need to change is that your children need to learn to obey the first time. You can just stop the yelling, but also any repeated pleadings for their cooperation. You tell them once nicely to do something, there is a moment given where if there is a reason why they cannot do it right that minute they need to bring it up, and say they will do it in a certain time. And then it is left to them. If they don't protest and don't do it or if they don't do it when they said they would, then they are punished. Like I said doesn't need to be a big thing, it really shouldn't, it is just that disobedience results in punishment. Let's say your kids are of the ages where time outs are apporpriate, then they, instead of doing what they wanted to do, get to go and spend time in a boring time out place. And the time out place needs to be boring. Then after the timeout you take them immediately to do what they were supposed to do in the first place.
If the time has elapsed without action from them you go to them, you get their attention, you tell them what they were supposed to do, and then you tell them that now they must first go to the time out place for the prescribed time and then they are going to do it. If they don't go to the time out place on their own, you simply take their arm firmly and you take them there.
The idea is that they learn they might as well do something the first time because they are going to do it anyway, and the only difference is the boring time out.
You actually apply and do these things and you will find that in all likelihood your husband won't have so much steam coming out of him all the time.
The other thing it gives you is credibility with your husband because right now your husband is saying that your discipline is not working and I fear he is correct, so you need to develope a style that works and eliminates what you are concerned about.
So fundamentally what I am saying is that you have to scrap your current system because it really isn't working. And either at the beginning or after awhile your husband needs to scrap his system because that wasn't working either. And what you need to do is create a system that works.
That's probably as clear as mud. But I hope you get the basic ideas.
Marv
So we have these problems but they seem to only be a problem for me.
